Tag: Observational Humor

The Id, Ego & Super Ego as Explained By Me Less Sober

The Principles of The Id,Ego and Super Ego construct was created by the acclaimed Godfather of modern Psychology the one and only Sigmund Freud. Now its a fairly well known fact that Freud prescribed cocaine as part of his patients therapy, but what is far lesser known is the fact Freud not only prescribed cocaine to his patients he also used cocaine. The question remains at what point in Freud’s carreer did his cocaine use affect and subsequently undermined his work. Lets face the facts, no one listens or believes the ramblings of a coke head no matter how smart they may have been before succumbing to the negative affects. So without further a due  here is the Id, Ego and Super Ego explained by yours truly.

The Id: First we start with what Freud referred to as a person’s Id. The Id is the part of a person that is primally hedonistic, its the part of a person that lives to drink,fight,fuck and indulge in any and all hedonistic activities no matter the consequences (consequences don’t exist in the Id’s world and if they did the Id wouldn’t care less about them)) If you think of the Id, Ego and Super Ego as members of the same family the Id would be the “Problem Child”operating with beyond ruthless abandon. The Id would be the wild younger brother who only gives a shit about himself and what he wants to do which is essentially to indulge deeply in pleasure seeking activities. The Id’s motto is “Long Live Me and Fuck Everyone who disagrees or tries to stop me!!!”

The Ego: The Ego is born from the so called wisdom of experience through the countless trials and tribulations that are life. The Ego is the Goodie-Goodie straight A over achiever older brother of the family. Being the “sensible one” puts the Big Brother Ego at constant odds with its younger brother the Id. The Ego’s job is to counter act the insanity of the Id at all costs. If the Id wants its entire face tattooed then the Ego must automatically stop the Id from doing so by dominating the outcome. Thus the relationship of the Id and Ego is a nonstop, full throttle, extremely intense, passionate and brutal argument over every subject under the sun in an eternal battle of wills.

The Super Ego: Now with the Id and Ego being in constant disagreement there is a need for The Super Ego or the Parental Figure of this little family. The Super Ego incorporates the learned values and morals of society, and acts mainly as a   referee meets politician meets police officer. The Super Ego’s job is to defuse conflict between the Id and The Ego and to broker a truce. If the Id is screaming bloody murder about a Full Face Tattoo, and the Ego is yelling at the top of its lungs that a facial tattoos are for degenerate criminal prone anti social cretins its the Super Ego that steps in. The Super Ego must find a acceptable compromise for the War over facial tattoos. The Super Ego can for example say  “Lets let the Id get a tattoo BUT somewhere thats not the face.” this hopefully appeases the Ids desires and give into the Ego’s need for control over the Id.

So in conclusion though you may consider yourself a singular person there are three distinctly different personality traits locked in endless combat and compromise inside your mind. You have the self indulgent Id with sometimes darker impulses (i.e. “Carl stole my promotion and I’m gonna kill him/beat his ass/burn down his house etc) You also have the Ego that allows you to maintain an acceptable/normal life regardless of its disagreements with the Id. You also out of necessity have the Super Ego, and lets face it without the Super Ego humans would never have evolved since they’d be stuck in a constant struggle to make even the simplest decisions.

Definitive Proof Even Apple Doesn’t Know How The iCloud Actually Works

Note: The Gentlemen who left comment about how he was hacked resulting in the loss of years of work I’d like to dedicate this post to you.

A Couple of years ago when My Wife and I got new Smartphones we decided for safety reasons we would get the “Find My Fucking Phone For Me” App, BUT to do so one was required to sign up for the omnipresent mystery known as the iCloud (I believe the i stands for Idiotic) so we did just that. Everything was totally normal for the next couple of weeks as life continued unobstructed . Then one day I woke up, had my coffee, smoked a joint ,and then I picked up my phone to check one of my never ending lists of possible work projects and the list was gone. In fact all my lists had vanished along with all my work files from the last 2 1/2 years. I dropped my phone and ran to find our Iputts and all my work had disappeared there as well. I then began grabbing any and every linked  computer driven device in the entire house, but every device I checked was blank my work was now officially missing in action.

I called the Apple help line and explained that I’m very pissed and even more confused as to why a service thats SOLE FUCKING JOB is to store information/photos/videos is unable to find even a single shred of my work. Obviously the Customer Service Drone was completely baffled and quickly called in a Supervisor. Again I explained the situation and again this time the Supervisor told me how utterly odd my debacle was. Over 90 minutes later I got off the phone with the Supervisor not having accomplished a single damn thing, I didn’t even get a basic explanation as to what the hell was going on.

Over the next 6 weeks I was constantly on the phone with the Apple people daily and was getting nowhere fast. Each time I’d call it was the same story all over again I’d let them know the problem, the Phone Drone would throw their preverbal hands in the air, transfer me to slick Supervisor who would tell me “This has never happened before…” and that was it. I talked to 7 different Supervisors in total none of which had a single clue as to what the problem EVEN WAS none the less attempted to fix it. Finally I had it and told the 8th and the last Supervisor that at this point not only am I extremely angry over the initial problem, but now I was equally pissed off at their company’s complete and apparent incompetence as nothing had changed since my 1st call. The 8th Supervisor had the ingenious idea of calling upon their extensive IT Department to see where they weighed in on the subject at hand.  Within 3-4 days I called the 8th Supervisor (she was the only one that had the wherewithal to give me their extension so I could contact them directly, and avoid the excessive bullshit of constantly repeating my self to the front line Phone Drones.) to check in for hopefully some sort of progress report and she actually had news for me.

What Supervisor 8 told me was that the iCloud had in fact done its job which was to back up and store my shit at which point I felt a bit relieved because it sounded like finally could be fixed. I was totally wrong. Supervisor 8 continued to inform me that the IT Department had contacted her earlier in the day and gave her their official report. In their report the IT Department stated again first and foremost that the iCloud had done its official and designated back up job, BUT the problem was that instead of storing my work in its proper spot the Cloud in its infinite wisdom stored it somewhere else.  The IT Department concluded their report with that as of now they had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE THE CLOUD STORED MY WORK so they obviously can’t do shit until they located where my work was indeed stored at within the Cloud.

This is where our story ends readers because to this very day years later The Apple IT Department has been absolutely unable to locate a single piece my work not a single word.

Vape On This!

Here is a run down on my views on Vaping:

First and foremost lets give credit where credit is due. The group of people who not only introduced America to Vaping ,and led to the first time Big Tobacco took a HUGE HIT in the American market was the Marijuana Smokers. While antismoking groups got larger they embraced Vaporizers (and it was the smartest move) as the new anti-smoking device and they were right. THE POINT IS THOUGH the group of people who introduced Vaping were Pot Smokers. Pot smokers learned that Vaping is much cleaner, smoother and insanely better for your lungs (Combustion out, Convection in as the heat source). So respect to the pot smoking community for bringing the biggest and best of the world of Vaping to the American people.

1. Vaping Marijuana: As stated above its cleaner, smoother and way healthier (because of Convection versus Combustion it removes impurities making it far less stressful on the lungs)

2. Vaping to Quit Smoking Tobacco: Highly effective as well as cost effective, and readily available. It truly is the greatest blessing upon the anti-smoker groups such as Truth.com as the number of tobacco smokers (present and future) plummeted to historical lows.

Side note: I quite smoking using and E-Cigerette which are quite amazing. Not only due they switch Convection for Combustion as the heat source, BUT they also replaced burning solid material (such as weed) for a oil based solution that emits water vapor in place of any smoke.

ITS IMPORTANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE E-Ciggerettes oil’s contain NICOTINE which is highly addictive and is not healthy!!! E-Cigerettes are meant to replace tobacco cigarettes AND THEN like the Patch or Nicotine Gum the user is meant to reduce the dosage of Nicotine until they are completely are weaned off entirely.

3. Vaping For Fun: (No Nicotine, just a wide variety of increasing flavors) Thats just fine, its healthy and harms no one. Go For It.

4. Vaping as a Trend: IF your one of those trendy hipster douche bags who spends ridiculous amount on of cash on those giant 1950’s sci-fi movie looking “Professional Vaporizers” that makes it looks like your holding a fucking DVD player or your entering Cloud Contests (assholes assemble at a Vape Shop and compete by seeing who can exhale the largest cloud of mist or some shit like that) PLEASE KILL YOURSELF NOW AND DO THE WORLD A FAVOR! STUPID PEOPLE WASTE OUR OXEGEN AND TAKE UP LIMITED SPACE!

The Spinal Tap T.V.

  Long ago when my wife and I started dating in early 1776 I was living with a friend of mine named Nightmare. An unusual trend started for a few months where my wife and I would be awoken by my friends/roommates tv blasting at an ungodly volume almost every morning. Finally curiosity trumped annoyance and I out right asked Nightmare what in the name of all things sane was the whole waking up to his tv blaring like a goddamn Imax movie about exactly.

  Nightmare’s response was quick, simple and conciese as he asked me to view a typical evening from his point of view. I agreed as once again my annoyance level was rising like the 1980’s stock market. After meeting up after work back at home base all 3 of us would hangout bullshitting and drinking more than a few beers. As the evening wound down my wife and I would retire to our bedroom as Nightmare retired to his which was right next to ours.

Once everyone was settled in their perspective bedrooms Nightmare would kick on the T.V. for a bit. Then my wife and I would inevitably end up having sex which in turn caused Nightmare to raise the volume on his t.v., but instead of that being the end of it apparently my wife and I would precede to get louder then louder again causing a volume battle with Nightmare’s t.v. until the television’s volume maxed out. Nightmare then at some point had to upgrade his sound system for his television because the max volume wasn’t loud enough. I can only imagine the conversation Nightmare had with the sales guy.

The Cop, The Crooks and The Kegger

It was a night as another night in the small town of Phucitville USA when I along with my friend Space Dog ran into a couple of friends of ours at a local shit strip mall. their names were Firefly and her on again off again love triangle entangled boyfriend Hermoor which is Scandinavian translates into ”War Spirit”. Now the gruesome twosome had gotten themselves into a bit of trouble (selling counterfeit acid) and needed a ride out of town about as fast as they could get one. They asked Space Dog and myself (though I was the one with the car) if they could bum a ride, but this wasn’t just a spin around the block as it were they needed a road trip into the deep south. With Space Dog as my copilot as well as my traveling companion for the return trip I said it be no problem so we planned to meet up the next day and hit the road.

When the morning arrived I drove over to Space Dog”s, picked him up and headed out to meet up with FireFly and Hermoor at the designated location. Once we got to the spot we had to find them in a crowd of people who turned out for some fundraiser “fair” that had been scheduled for the same day. Finally we found them collecting money owed (as he was the biggest drug connection in the entire county in spite of his acid antics) and peddling whatever contraband they had left to fund their/our road trip. At last with cash in hand and out of contraband (accept for the personal head stash Hermoor kept at all times.) we managed to get going as it was going to be quite awhile on the road to say the least. We spent the entire day limping down the highway as my car (being older then dirt) kept over heating every 45 minutes or so (turned out once we arrived to be a minuscule hole in the radiator hose) and smoking weed at every rest area along the way waiting for the car to cool down. Once the sun set traveling was much more productive since obviously it was much much cooler.

It was around 1 am I was driving (Hermoor and I were trading off driving as Space Dog and FireFly where old enough but yet still didn’t have a drivers licenses) I had been driving 6 hours or so straight and started to suffer white line syndrome, thats when your so tired you start to see double as your vision becomes increasingly blurry. I took the next exit I could find and pulled into a gas station at the bottom of the exit ramp. I woke the crew up for refueling the car and ourselves then decided it was time I called home since my family hadn’t seen hide nor hair of me in 72 hours (friends used to call and where told by my family that wasn’t there and had the caller seen me and if so when) I moseyed over to the pay phone (Yup life before cell and smart phones) and called my family collect. No one answered because it was after 1 am in the morning , but the answering machine (yup life before voice mail hard to comprehend even for me) so I left a message saying I was on the road with friends headed into the deep south and would be home in a couple days or so. As soon as I hung up the receiver out of the corner of my eye I saw a fucking cop drive into the gas station and park. Now he didn’t park at a gas pump nor near the gas station’s front door instead he pulled up next to the curb where he could see us and us him (common cop tactic to intimidate so if the civilian acts nervous because fuck their being intimidated on purpose then the cunt cop can fuck them over 9 ways till Sunday.) The first thought that went through collective conscience was “FUCK! Now what the hell we do??!”

What you must understand is the following facts:

  1. I was 19 and my friends were 17-19 years old so to the cops we were a group of young punks.
  2. There was the matter of the various contraband items that comprised Hermoor’s head stash in the car.
  3. We all were exhausted not to mention stoned as Tommy Chong at the time.
  4. We had out of state plates on the car (a natural attractant of unwanted police attention) too.
  5. We had by this time ventured into the religious region of the south and we obviously weren’t church going folk.
  6. Cops are BIGGER assholes in the religious religion of the south BIG TIME.
  7. The way we were dressed made us stand out like the Las Vegas strip. I was wearing a leather biker jacket (no shirt), worn as worn can get jeans, a pair of shot out shit kickers and a dog collar with pad lock. Hermoor was sporting his Black Metal Scandinavian heritage gear that consisted of a Leprous Troll T-shirt, combat boots and some sort of Norwegian viking kilt. FireFly was sporting a tie dyed sun dress and was barefoot like some wannabe woodland hippy elf. Lastly Space Dog was wearing a Sonic the Hemp Hog T-shirt, ragged jean shorts and a stuffed pair of Doc Martins.

At this point we figured all we could do is prepare for the worst and hope for the best as we were destined to get royally fucked with and likely over by this deep south son of a bitch pig. The cop after pausing an exorbitantly long pause (also designed to instill unease in citizens by the cocksucking cops.) rolled down his window and asked us strait away if we were coming from the local collage kegger party to which we responded that no we hadn’t been at the party as we were out of staters just stopping off to get some gas before moving along. Once again there was a longer then normal drawn out pause on the crappy cops end. After his 2nd planned pause the cop said something we had never anticipated so much it almost turned our brains into shit with utter surprise and awe. What follows is almost verbatim but time has worn my memories so its not quite a direct quote.

Cop: “Have you all coming from the kegler down at the college?”

Us: “No just getting some gas and heading out back on the road and not aware of this or any kegler.”

Cop: “Well then, I’ll tell you how you can get there….”

The cop went on to give us complete details and directions to the party before telling us rather cheerfully to be safe, take it easy and safe travels before rolling up his window and slowly driving off into the shadowy vail of night.  As soon as he was out of sight we jumped in our car and drove like a motherfucker as far away from there as we could get.

Nice not to get arrested for once, not to mention a cop has never given me directions to a college kegler or any party for that matter. Luck be a lady tonight.

 

Donald Trump President or Pervert?!

I have it on good authority that presidential candidate Donald Trump has one hell of a skeleton in his closet. Donnie Trump is banned from the entire continent of Africa, if Donnie ever sets foot on African soil he will be arrested and promptly executed for Environmental Desecration and Wild Life Endangerment.

Why you ask? Well I’ll tell you. In his 30’s to late 40’s our possible president went through a serious Beastiality phase. So Donnie Trump would book secret “Safari Vacations” to various parts of Africa to shoot his personal Beastiality porn, by him for him type deal.

2 Strange Facts on the Subject:

  1. Donnie while fucking Lions would be heard screaming “Your no king of the jungle, I AM! I’m the KING of the JUNGLE,  all you are is the king of my bitches! I’M SIMBA BABY, I’M MOTHERFUCKING SIMBA OF THE WORLD!”
  2. While getting banged by Hyenas Donnie Boy could be heard mumbling meekly “Mother knows, Mother knows best and she will teach me!”

Interesting side note and biological fact:

Hyena’s sexes are notoriously hard to distinguish say field researchers due to the fact female Hyenas have a Faux Penis,  so female Hyenas literally know what its like to give birth through their penises.