pet owner – f-your blog

Man Or Beast Both Have Nipples: A Tale Of The Stupidity Of Humanity

There Countless times a Day I wonder How the fuck some People can/are so fucking Stupid that They’re the reason the Saying “Too Stupid to Live” exists in the First fucking Place. This particular Saying Pertains to People so Horribly fucking Stupid it’s Amazing They haven’t inadvertently Done Themselves in by Simple Being so fucking Stupid. This is a Story about One of these Monumentally Moronic People and Sad to Say it’s Not only True, But the Client Depicted in the Story is an Actual fucking Person.

Allow Me to Set the fucking Stage. I had been working as a Vet Tech (a Vet Tech is to a Veterinarian as a Nurse is to a Human Doctor) for 16 Years before I started working for a Notoriously Unconventional Vet. I should have known what the fuck I was getting into Since My Wife had worked for this Vet Previously. After Several Years along with some a SERIOUSLY Insane Situation (which is a Whole Different Story for another Day) My Wife Ended up Quitting, and taking a Job at a Local Animal Shelter’s Veterinary Clinic. Now being an Unconventional Person Myself I got along quite well with this Veterinarian Who We will call Dr. Rich for all intents and purposes. Basically I don’t want the Guy to find out about this Post and taking Legal Action Against Me. Trust Me Stranger shit has Happened in Life, and He is a Strange Guy.

Lastly the Shittiest Part of being a Vet Tech isn’t Dealing with Patients which is rather Complicated from the Get Go. What I mean is Animal Patients obviously Can’t Talk (Parrots Excluded of Course for Vets who Treat Exotic Animals as Most Don’t) so They can’t Explain What Hurst or Where it Hurts or Any Symptoms Period. In All Honesty the Worst fucking Part of Working in a Veterinary Clinic/Hospital like I said isn’t the 4 Legged Patients it’s Their 2 Legged Owners. In General Not only are Owners various Levels of Problematic They can also be Outright Assholes. Here is a Quick Example for You. A Man came in and Signed Off on His Dog’s Neutering as well as all the Bells and Whistles.

It’s Important to Point Out that Dr. Rich being Unconventional didn’t Require such things as Pre Surgical X-rays for Dentals for Example though He stated His Opinion that it could never Hurt to do Pre Surgical Shit such as Pre Surgical Bloodwork. After that He left it up to the Owner’s Digression Especially since Money is a Major Factor as is Anything fucking Medical. Now when the Time came for this Dumb Son of a Bitch to Pick Up His Dog and Pay His Bill He proceeded to have a Full Blown Shit Fit about it. The thing is the Client had NO REASON to Complain because the Dumbfuck never ASKED how Much it would Cost before He went ahead and Authorized Everything. On Top of the Shithead arguing Over His goddamn Bill Dr. Rick worked in a VERY Wealthy Area which made things Even More Aggravating as fuck.

You see 90% of the Clients were Empty Headed, Day Drinking, Plastic Surgery Enhanced, Botox Junkie Trophy Wives Devoid of Intelligence and Personality alike. I’m not fucking Joking when I say there was a Neighborhood where if You bought a House for $750,000 Your Neighbors would think/say shit like “Poor You, You can only afford to buy a House for $750,000.” behind Your back. That and I’ll NEVER forget this Bratty Wealth Flaunting for Clout Stupid Bitch Who came in to Pick Up Flea and Tick shit for Her Dog. After Paying She lingered around like a fucking Stank Ass Fart so She could Talk about How Rich She Was (which is a fucking Joke since Eery last goddamn Dollar She Spent wasn’t Earned by Her but Her Husband again These are Trophy Wives or Eye Candy for Cash). Anyway She’s Bitching that Her Husband wanted the Credit Card Company American Express to give Her one of Their Elitest of the Elite Black AmEx. If You Don’t know about the Mysterious AmEx Black Card You’re Not the Only one by Far. Simply put You can’t Apply for One AmEx has to give You One since to get One You have to Spend a MINIMUM of $250,000 a Year using it.

Lastly on the Subject of Exceptional Assholes was a Woman who was buying Dog Food who was standing behind another woman who was paying Her Bill. The Entire Time the Woman in front is Paying the Lady standing behind Her started gawking at the Woman’s Obscene Wedding Ring sporting a Grotesque Diamond. Long Story short the Two Women started a Heated Clout Debate over Who’s Ring was Better and what Their Rings were Worth. This was an utterly Pointless Situation started by One Rich Asshole just to Talk shit to Another Rich Asshole. Finally it’s worth Noting that the Sickeningly Extravagant Diamonds in those (and Other) Rings are Worth so Much that Rich Assholes have Them removed and Store Them in a Bank Safety Deposit Box. The Actual Real Diamonds are Replaced with Usually High End Crystal.

I think its Safe to Say that We all Know Wealthy People are Monumental Motherfuckers.They think because They have Money Everyone Else should give Them whatever the fuck They Want Whenever They want it. Money may be the Root of All Evil, but it Also the Great Stupefier of Humanity since as Soon as Someone gets Rich Their IQ’s Lower and They increasingly Act like Total Entitled Asshole that We have All come to Hate. These are the Kind of Assholes that Recoil at the word “No” because They’re so used to People kissing Their Asses enabling Them to act like They have No Idea that No is an Actual Word. Lastly I’ll add that when it comes to Difficult Clients the Veterinary Clinics/Hospitals have a Code for them which is PIA. PIA is Reserved for Habitual Crappy Clients, and Stands for “Pain In The Ass” so if You happen to see this written on the inside of Your Pet’s File best to Reevaluate Your fucking Life.

On this Particular Day one of Our PIA Clients called Frantic about Her Dog. She wasn’t an Outright Asshole She was just so God Awful Stupid that it made Dealing with Her feel like Pulling fucking Teeth. I will simply Refer to Her as Moronic Mary for the Rest of this Post. I asked Her what the Problem with Her Dog was and She said the Following. “I was watching Talkshows while I was Petting My Dog. I rubbed His Belly and I felt a Bunch of Little Lumps, and I Don’t Know if Their Insect Bites or Tumors Do You think My Dog has Cancer?” At this Point I had to Remind Her that I wasn’t the Actual Vet and even if I was I can’t Diagnosis Her Dog over the fucking Phone. This only served to get Her more fucking manic then She already was. I informed Her that luckily We had a Cancelation for an Afternoon Appointment and I would gladly Pencil Her In. She then damn well Demanded to have Her Dog seen IMMEDIATELY! She Fully Expected Us to Drop whatever We were Doing, and Clear the Vet’s Schedule for the Day to Dedicate 100% of Everyone’s Attention on Her Dog and Her Dog Alone. Moronic Mary Tried Again and Again Futilely to Force Me Somehow giving Her what She wanted. It was just Another Rich Asshole Preaching from the The Billionaire’s Big Book of Bullshit.

Well Finally the Time came for Moronic Mary’s Afternoon Appointment which She was around 20-25 minutes late for. Now I’m going to take a Moment to Vent here so Hold On. You see I don’t fucking Understand how a Pet Owner can be SO Concerned about Their Pet that They Demand to be Seen IMMEDIATELY (in a Non Emergency Situations), and After the Nonsensical Drama They then Show the fuck Up Late. You just want to get in Their fucking Face and and Scream “SERIOUSLY YOU ASSHOLE I THOUGHT YOU WERE SO FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT YOUR PET EARLIER THAT YOU PITCHED A FULL ON FIT, AND NOW YOU STROLE IN HERE LATE LIKE IT’S NO BIG DEAL? FUCK YOU BUDDY.” Talk about being a Self Centered Self Serving Piece of Shit with Absolutely No regard for Anyone Else but Now I will Digress.

I escorted Moronic Mary and Her Dog into an Exam Room and let the Dr. Rick everything was Set. Dr. Rick entered the Exam room Dressed in in a Ugly Cliche Hawaiian Themed Scrub Top (without a Shirt underneath mind You as is the Practice) Worn Jeans, and clunky old brown Work Boots, and Trade Mark Sunglasses. He came in with a Smirk which was an Indicator He wasn’t looking forward to Dealing with this Particular Client, and 10 to 1 He was going to Talk a Little Shit/Malevolently Fuck with Them to make it worth His While. Also in All Honestly it was always Extremely Entertaining when He opted to fuck with Difficult or Dumbass Clients making the Whole Ordeal somewhat Tolerable.

I lifted the Dog which by the Way was a King Charles Spaniel which was one of the More Popular Breeds in the Area. I guess Someone/Something has to Keep the Drunken Trophy Wives Company since the Husbands were Workaholics and 99% of Them sure as Hell didn’t have Kids Either. So I do the Whole Restraining or Preemptive Restraining to be More Exact. The Preemptive Restraining is like a Hug where You Place one Arm Under the Dogs Belly in front of the Back Legs like a Seatbelt. Your Other Arm you put Around the Dogs Neck like a Canine Version of a Headlock, and the Reason for this is if the Dog Acts Out be it due to Pain/Discomfort or Aggression You again Act like a Seat Belt and Tighten Your Grip Accordingly (Just in case Anyone was fucking Wondering). Moronic Mary was all Flustered and was acting as if She was on the fucking Brink of a fucking Panic Attack, or in My Personal Opinion She was Acting like a Tweeked Out Meth Addict. Dr. Rich started His Physical Exam where He ran His hands Over the Dog from Head to Tail feeling For Injuries/Pain/Abnormalities/Joint and Spine Issues etc.

After letting Moronic Mary simmer in Her own Insanity for a minute or two Dr. Rich at last asked Her what the Reason was that She had brought Her Dog in. Well being fucking True to Form Moronic Mary starts to Retell the Story She Told Me Only this Version was Longer, More Detailed, More Dramatic than the Previous Telling. The Entire time Moronic Mary is ranting away like a Possessed Woman Dr. Rich just Stood There Examining the Dog with a Shit Eating Grim plastered across His Face. Once Moronic Mary literally ran out of Breath Dr. Rich informed Her that during His Cursory Exam had Not Felt any Abnormal Lumps. He then Asked Moronic Mary to Please Show Him exactly what the fuck She was Talking About.

We then Proceeded t get the Dog to Lay Down on its Side so Dr. Rich could Checkout these Mysteriously Non Present Lumps when Moronic Mary located Them to Show Him. This is when the STUPID SHIT HIT THE FUCKING FAN. Moronic Mary proceeded to Show Dr. Rich the Unknown Lumps which in Reality were the Dog’s Nipples, BUT That’s Not All! Dr. Rich with a look of Disbelief informs Moronic Mary that the Lumps She was concerned with are in fact just regular old Nipples. What Moronic Mary Said Next I will remember to the fucking Day I Die “But…He’s a Boy Dog???” at which Point Dr. Rich looking a little Unsure of How to Handle Someone so Painfully Ignorant. Lucky for Him Dr. Rich was Quick on His Feet and Calmly and as Politely as Possible all things Considered that Yes Her Boy Dog has Nipples just like Her Husband is a Boy and He Too has Nipples.

So in Summation an Adult Woman felt Lumps on Her Dog’s Belly, Freaked Out, Called The Vet in a Panic, Acts Demanding and Belligerent. She then precedes to Show the fuck Up around 20-25 Minutes Late Only to Diagnosis Her Boy Dog with Nipples. This Dumbfounded the Moronic Client Who for some fucking reason Though Men of the 2 or 4 Legged Didn’t have Nipples since They Don’t Nurse Babies. Then a Highly Educated Veterinarian had o Explain the whole fucking “Men have Nipples Too” impromptu Anatomy Lesson pertaining to Humans and Animals. Now after Reading this when I say the VAST MAJORITY of People Today are fucking Fucktarded Idiots I dare Someone to Argue with Me (Only Partially Joking).

It is What it Is,

By les Sober

The Backyard Beasts Big Break

It was just one of those mundane and utterly uneventful night a few days back that was until 4:07am. And then all fucking Hell broke loose. My Wife had passed out in her favorite Lazy Boy Recliner around midnight or so, and I dozed off around a little before 3 am.

The Backyard Beasts had been more vocal than usual that evening which now that I think about it was some serious foreshadowing. It was the wailing, Whining, loud, and virtual nonstop barking of the Backyard Beasts that woke my very unamused Wife who then yelled about being woke up due to the son of a bitch beasts. This in turn immediately woke me up and I glanced at the clock which read 4:07 am.

My Wife was shuffling like mad around looking for a flashlight and her shoes. My shoes where near by under the coffee table so I snatched them up, put them on, turned off the alarm system, found my keys, unlocked the door, and bounded out to the front porch.

I start scanning the yard squinting like a motherfucker because we don’t have street lights being so far out in the woods. I cursed out loud for not getting a hold of a flashlight myself as I stared into the night. The I saw it. It was big solid black silhouette standing at the edge of the yard between two trees. The only reason I could see that much was thank to the aid of our neighbors rather promenade out door lights. Their lights backlit the street just enough to see the contrast between the black of night and the black of the beasts.

I yelled to my Wife that there was another Beast out here and that was exciting ours evidently though I was completely wrong. This is not uncommon here in the Woods where people let there dogs roam like free range chickens out and about at all hours doing whatever they please.

I then had a odd feeling and then it clicked. This wasn’t a neighbor’s Beast, it was one of ours, the Brother Beast. I ran down into the yard words the Beast shouting his name, and He came right over. I took hold of his collar with an steely grip of a fucking Bear trap.

My Wife had ran directly to the back gate (instead of entering from the house where the Beasts are forbidden to go) and opened it to go see what she could find the fuck out. In opening the back gate she inadvertently let out the 2nd of our pair of Beasts (their a Brother-Sister Team who are the absolutely inseparable. The Girl won’t follow her Brother so she stayed put in the yard and lamented loudly pleading with her Brother to come the fuck back already.) The Girl then decided to go rejoin her Brother and tore off like a fucking rocket into the dead of night.

My Wife ran passed me to corral the Sister Beast as I passed her with the Brother Beast in tow. I put the Boy Beast back into the confines of the backyard, and went to help my Wife. All of a sudden I hear her proclaim allowed that she has BOTH Beasts now. I holler back that I’m going to get some leashes to tie up the Beasts while I go inspect the backyard to see where the Beast escaped from.

I searched relentlessly checking the fence, the yard, and looked for any clues such as did he go under or over the Fence? Was the back gate to the yard eft unlocked? That kind of shit. Well after inspecting the backyard I was stumped. So I did the only thing I could and that was to take the gamble. The gamble being that if I had my Wife return the Beasts to the backyard that instead of waiting for me to leave and then escaping again, but rather the Boy would be stupid enough to just go for it right in front of me. Luckily it was the latter.

The dumb bastard trotted around to the opposing side of the house, walked over to the far side of the Air Conditioner, crouched down to the ground by the section of the fence that meets the Home Office, and started to crawl under it like some solider at boot camp running a obstacle course. I hurried over, bent down, and grabbed the Beast at the base of his large tail. As I retrieved the Boy Beast from out under the fence I informed my Wife I found his way out.

I then set to work fixing the issue the best I could with what I had available at 4 fucking AM. First I used some small fence stakes to secure the bottom of the fence like doctor Frankenstein stitching up his Monster. I the placed to long and rather weighty spare wooden beams at the base to help block the dig site/zone. My Wife and I went inside to catch our breath. Then the Mournful Howling started up again. I ran out front and again spotted our Boy bouncing around gleefully in the front yard without a care in the world. I managed once again to catch hold of his collar and wrangled him back into the backyard.

I immediately went to inspect the escape site and saw he had maneuvered the beams out of the way and tore up/out damn near every fence stake. So this time we decided it be best to just section off that small 5 foot long and 3 foot wide area until morning (when I could go to Home Depot and load up on cinder blocks to line the bottom of the fence with. Dig under that you big bitch is the motto) We had a massive and heavy piece of Ply Wood left over from the construction of my Art Studio I had held onto. This was perfect for the job of blockade. It was Long enough to block the space, tall enough neither Beast could jump or climb over or under it, and it was pretty damn heavy.

My Wife and I were on the porch winding down off our adrenaline fueled frustration when we heard deliberate scratching of claws against wood. We both ran out back again and saw that the leaning Ply Wood wasn’t going to cut it by itself as the Boy Beast was creeping through the space behind it. I went and got the previously used beams and wedged them up against the Ply Wood, but we still need more. I found some old, solid wood barn type doors left over from the previous owner and I knew they had some serious weight to them so I leaned both of them up against the ply Wood, andante again my Wife and I retired to the House.

Yet again We heard the Boy Beast testing the viability of the Ply Wood wall and for what seemed like the 5,000th time went to go evaluate the escape situation. We came to the conclusion the Ply Wood needed yet MORE securing so I went and fetched some of the mock rout iron gates that came in sections down at the Home Depot’s gardening center. I used the pieces of gate the pin the Ply Wood to the Air Conditioner, and it held fast.

Finally my Wife and I got a few more hours of sleep before waking for work. My Wife went off to work as per usual, and I fired up my Lap Top. Then after about an hour or two I heard the Girl Beast’s cry of desperation. I ran to a back window and peered out only to see that fucking son of a bitch Boy Beast standing on the dirt road behind our home office happier than a Prize Pig in shit. I went out and pretended I was giving his Sister a treat (I always give the Beasts a treat before heading out anywhere.), and just like a sucker at a used car dealer he bought it.

I then called my Wife in a foul fit of anger (and exasperation) and told her what happened, and that outside of killing them or myself had come to the end of my rope. She instructed me to house the Beasts on the front porch until she got off work. She said right after she got off she’d head over to Home Depot and pick up the cinderblocks.

I followed her lead and stashed the Beasts on the front porch for the day. I couldn’t help it though I had to see how the hell the Boy had pulled off yet another escape. I was truly surprised at what I found. The Ply Wall was perfectly still intact. After further inspection I realized the Boy Beast I climbed up and over the Air Conditioner Unit to circumvent the Ply Wood, and then simple jumped down the other side into the separated section to dig under the fence.

That evening my Wife returned home with the cinderblocks, and I went about building a Fence Bottom Cinderblock Barrier. Before I laid the cinder blocks down I used a couple sections of the mock fence as anchors. I simply slid the legs of the section of mock fence between sections of the chain link thus pinning it to the ground. The Boy Beast did try and escape again to no vail, but not due to a lack of trying. All I had to due to secure that bottom section of the fence was to tweak the cinderblock’s formation. And all is quite on the Western Front as some would be apt to say.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober