Tag: pets

Creeptopia’s Most Wanted: “BUG-Eyed Bill”

Welcome To Today’s FYB Post Featuring CREEPTOPIA’S MOST WANTED: “BUG-EYED BILL” By Artist, Musician,  2D/3D Animator, and Creator of the Creeptoons Series Matt Duncan. “BUG-EYED BILL” is a Spoof (for Those Old Enough to Remember) on the Widely Popular True Crime Television Show “AMERICA’S MOST WANTED” Hosted By John Waters, and Dedicated to bringing Criminals At Large to Justice.

Creeptoons take place in the Fictional Land of Creeptopia and are Disgusting Yet Lovable Monsters, Mutants, or Freaks that Live in the Clogged Arteries of The Mind come to Life. The Grim Creeptoon Characters are a Demented Blend of  Both The Adorable and  The Macabre.

PLOT: Traumatized as a Young Boy by the Slaughter of His Pet Pig  named Belinda “Bug-Eyed Bill” later in Life becomes Infatuated with the Daughter of a New Neighbor who Shares the same Name as His Beloved Dead Pet Pig………

Thanks For Watching,

  Presented by Les Sober  

The French Fry Fiasco

While We were Living in the Great Southern Swamp We owned a French and an English Bulldog Both of Which Were Rehomes. Wally the Male English Bulldog’s Original Family realized while They Loved Him They simply Didn’t have Enough Time to Care for Him. The French Bulldog was a Recently Retired Show Dog and Champion, and Her Mom (who breed French Bulldogs in Addition to The Dog Show Shit) was getting Out of the French Bulldog Breeding Game to go Back to Breeding Boxers.

These Two  Bulldogs just so Happened to be Two of the Coolest Dogs We have had the Pleasure of Sharing Our Lives With. I fucking Hate People who say “Owned” when it comes to an Animal because its fucking Demeaning. It’s a fucking Living Creature it is Not the Equivalent of a TV or some shit. The Situation behind Pet classification is fucking Stupid as Pets are in the Eyes of the Law Property exactly like a Sofa or Video Game System. That is Absolutely and Totally fucking Ridiculous on Every Level.

One Night in Particular I was Home Alone Drinking One Too Many Beers, and Bullshitting with Some Buddies on the Phone. When My Wife got Home from Work (around 10:30 pm or so) She had Missed Dinner, and I had been so Wrapped Up in Fucking Around I hadn’t Eaten Either. So My Wife went Out to Score Some Fast Food Bullshit for Us God Bless her because I would have been Pissed if I was Her. I mean She got off work Late after something like a 14 Hour Shift only to Find Her Husband Drunk, Giddy, and with Nothing whatsoever for Dinner. Not exactly the thing Anyone would be thrilled to come Home to After a Brutally Long Day on the Job. While My Wife was Out retrieving Our Dinner I finished My Last beer, and Decided to Roll Up a Joint for After Diner. I rolled up the Joint and Placed it Next to My Pack of Cigarettes (Yes I was a Smoker, Key Word being Was since I quite Several Years Ago) on Our Coffee Table and Played with the Dogs Until My Wife Returned.

              

Now I had a Bad Habit as a Pet Owner of Sharing Any French Fries I had with the Bulldogs Who Thought it was a Fabulous Thing for Me to Do. Also When I had Been Drinking (which I honestly did way too much of at that Point in My Life) I tended to Throw the French Fries on the Floor in Front of the Dogs. I opted for this Method because it was Much Easier to Throw the Fries on the Floor Rather than Handing The Dogs Every Single fucking Fry. I would tend to Get Overly Enthusiastic during what I referred to a Fry Feeding Frenzies and Would Toss Several Frys at one Time. That Night was No Acceptation by any means as I Happily Threw Virtual Handfuls of Frys to the Dogs. As the Fry Count diminished I resorted to Tossing a Single Fry each time to the Dogs instead of Blanketing the Entire Living Room Floor with a Bounty of Frys.

Once We had Finished Dinner My Wife went to take a Shower to Relax and Unwind after a Tough Day at Work. I threw the Fast Food Trash away and strolled back into the Living Room with a Full Stomach and an Alcohol Drenched Liver. I plopped Down on the Couch in My Usual Spot, Stretched, Sighed, and decided to Watch The Canadian Television Show Trailer Park Boys on Netflix (Heres a Tip: Watching The Trailer Park Boys Intoxicated is a fucking Fun Time if I ever had One). A Few Moments into the Show I remembered that I had Prepared a Joint for an After Dinner at which Point I was Very Happy with Myself. That was Until I went to get the Joint and Realized it Wasn’t Were I Left It. Now having racked up an Insane Amount of Hours Intoxication I had learned along the Way to Expect shit like this to Happen. I then began My search for the Wayward Weed by first Looking to See if I put in My Cigarette Pack to Keep it Safe during Dinner. Unfortunately for Me it wasn’t, But I knew that in these cases Whatever I may be trying to Locate it won’t be in the First Spot I look.

                  

I then Proceeded to See if it had Rolled around and was Lost in the Chaotic Chaos of the Coffee Table. I sifted through Beer Caps, Ashtrays, Magazines, Game Controllers, and Other Debris that had Collected upon the Table during the Events of the Day. Still the Joint Eluded  Me at Every Turn. I then I scanned the Floor Around where I was Sitting to See if it had just Rolled Off the Table onto the Floor. After assessing the Joint had not Rolled off the Table onto the Floor where I could have Spotted it with Ease I moved on to the Next Portion of My Search for the Missing Sativa. I got down on all Fours (Ironically like a Dog) on the Floor and ran My Hand Under the Edge of the Large L Shaped Couch. Again I came up Empty Handed as it was apparent that the Joint had not Rolled onto the Floor and then Under the Couch.

I then took a Moment to Collect My Scattered Thoughts and Again Scanned the Immediate Area trying to Figure Out where the Damned Joint had gotten off to. As I sat there I noticed That Wally was sitting on the floor directly to My left and Dozy Directly to My Right. The Gears of My Muddled Mind began to Turn as I started to Put the Pieces of the Puzzle Together at Last. All of a Sudden I had a Moment of Clarity and Instantly it became Crystal fucking Clear to Me what Had Transpired. In the Hectic Hubbub of Dinner I had Mistakenly Picked Up the Joint Thinking at the Time it was Just Another French Fry in the Mix. It had become Painfully Obvious that the Case of Mistaken Identity had Resulted in Me Tossing the Joint instead of a The Standard French Fry. I searched Everywhere once again to make Sure beyond a Reason of a Doubt that’s What I had Did, and thats Exactly what I had  Done.

I wasn’t Upset about Losing the Joint, but I also wasn’t sure what Effect it might have on whichever Dog ate it. Once My Wife was out of the Shower and Dressed She returned to the Living Room, and Upon seeing the look on My Face (One of Guilt mixed with Drunken Disorientation) asked What Happened. I immediately launched into a Diatribe about the Mistaken Fry Deal which Ended up with Me Babbling in Circles like a Drunk Dog Chasing its Tail. My Wife didn’t freak out which I took as a Very fucking good Sign so I stopped Holding My Breath and Waited to Her what She had to Say on the Subject at Hand. My Wife Wasn’t Worried or Too Concerned, But Erring on the Side of Caution and Believing in Safety First instructed Me that We needed to Keep an Eye on the Dogs just in Case. Since My Wife and I were both Vet Tech for Over 10 Years Apiece We were Confident We could Handle this Mishap without Further Complication.

Now while this seems as Simple a Task as They Come there Certain Traits in Bulldogs that made it Impossible to Discern Who ate The Joint. First Off They are by Nature  Lazy as Fuck to the Point People Joke that They tend to Look Stoned Normally. So Acting Slow and Dopey is just the way Your Average Bulldog’s Behaves in General. Secondly Bulldogs are Natural Born Gluttons so Using the Munchie Factor as an Indicator was also Null and Void. Bulldogs Think with Their Bellies, and Would Actually Eat Themselves to Death if given the Chance. The Bottomline here is there was No Accurate Way of Telling Who ate the Joint because Bulldogs Naturally Exhibit the Symptoms Associated with being Stoned. In the End the Dogs were Fine as if Nothing had Happened, and I made sure as Shit to Insure Nothing like that Happened Ever Again.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober    (Pt1234am)

HAMSTER HELL and HAMSTER HELL 2

2012’s Hamster Hell is by the Talented Claymation Creator Lee Hardcastle and Features the Music of Shit The Bed. Hamster Hell follows a Young Kid who Secretly Hides His Pet Hamsters from His Parents Under His Bed. Along the Way the Naiver  Kid Learns some Grim Life Lessons the Hard Way While He tries to make Sense of it All.

  • Chapter 1 Arrival
  • Chapter 2 Wife
  • Chapter 3 Fun World
  • Chapter 4 Escape
  • Chapter 5 Disorder
  • Chapter 6 Mother
  • Chapter 7 Punishment
  • Chapter 8 Death

Enjoy.

Hamster Hell 2 (Which Premiered on Sept 1st 2020) Follows a Young Hipster  who Attempts to get Rich Quick by Posting Pictures and Videos of His Pet Hamster on Social Media. The Young Man’s Girlfriend isn’t at all Happy about His the so called Business Venture Until She sees the Money Making Potential. This is a Tale of Exploitation Personified in the Age of the Internet where Social Media is King.

  • Chapter 1 Ms. Cupcake
  • Chapter 2 The Accident
  • Chapter 3 Deformed
  • Chapter 4 Play Dead
  • Chapter 5 Fortune
  • Chapter 6 Heaven

Enjoy.

 

Thanks for Watching,

Presented By    Les Sober & FYB  

(Pt1205Am)

How Is That Dog Not Dead?!

Back when I was a Kid about once a Year or So My Family would load up in the Car and Head to Maine for a Week Long Get a Way. My Parents would rent a House along with Their Friends The Higgins (who had Two Kids yet They were Much Older than Me so They weren’t around A lot), and We would all meet up at the Rental House on the designated Date of Arrival. We wouldn’t do any type of Touristy Cliche Family Oriented bullshit We just enjoyed Nature and Each others Company. It was a Simpler Time for Sure.

This was back in the Day before Dog Boarding became a Trend so My Family would take Our Golden Retriever Tasha along for the Trip with Us. The only issue with having the Tasha with Us on these Trips was She suffered from Extreme Separation Anxiety. Again this was back when People didn’t know what Separation Anxiety even was and, People were Baffled to why They’re Dog’s were being so Neurotic and Destructive. The problem at hand caused Tasha to flip the fuck out when We left the House without Her and She’d bolt around the House knocking over furniture, Breaking Shit, and Chewing the Front Door Frame like a Starving Piranha.

           

Thats wasn’t all it didn’t end with just the Typical Separation Anxiety Behavior like I said earlier Tasha was afflicted with a Extreme Case of Separation Anxiety which caused Her insane Behavior to Escalate beyond belief. Once Tasha had gotten Her self completely Frantic She would actually JUMP THROUGH A WINDOW like some sort of Action Movie. Thus during one of Our later Trips to Maine My Parents and Their Friends went around the Entire House Barricading the Windows like something out of a fucking Zombie Movie. They Blocked Windows with Bookcases and Over Turned Tables among other things until the House felt more like fucking Fort Knox. Satisfied the Dog and House were Safe and Secure We all went out for Dinner at a Local Restaurant without a second thought.

After having Stuffed Ourselves on Lobster and Other types of Maine’s wonderfully Fresh Seafood We headed directly back to the Rental House. When We arrived My Parents were thrilled to see the House hadn’t been Trashed (just minority discombobulated), and there was No Sign of Damage to the Door due to Frenzied Chewing. Everyone was so elated by the fact the House and all its windows were in Tact No One Noticed that Tasha who normally would bum rush Us upon Our return was No Where to be Found. Slowly the Our Group spread Out to investigate, and as the search continued there still was not a single sign of the Dog. My Father then speculated that Tasha being unable to escape by jumping through a fucking Window as Per Usual had retreated Upstairs to hide under a Bed or in a Closet instead.

         

My Father promptly went up stairs to see if His Hypothesis was indeed correct, but the Dog still remained Illusive as Ever. In a matter of no time at all Everyone was upstairs searching under beds, in Closets, under/in piles of discarded Clothes, Bath Tube, and anywhere They could think of that the Dog possibly could be. Again the Search turned up nothing at all and now Everyone felt as if They were losing Their fucking Minds. Everyone split up after the Upstairs Search Party to continue to Search for the Missing Dog. It wasn’t soon before everyone was strolling around the House utterly Befuddled by it all. Everyone of Us ended up pacing around asking questions out loud like “Did We Lock the Back Door?”, “Where could Tasha Be?”, “Where did the Dog disappear to?”, “This doesn’t make sense!” and other such questions.

We were so Confused We unofficially ended Our Search to stand around to staring at one another in a Haze Dumbfounded as Fuck. Now Unfortunately it was son many Moons ago I don’t remember exactly Who Discovered what had Happened to the Mysteriously Missing Canine. All I remember is some one Shouting that they had found out what Happened so the rest of Us once again ran up stairs to see what was going on. The second story of the House had a pretty Basic You went up a stare case and once at the top of the Stairs if You looked directly in front of You there was a Long Narrow Hallway with a Natural Wood Floor that reminded Me of looking down a Bowling Ally Lane. On each side of the Hallway there were Two Bedrooms, and if You looked behind You when You were standing in said Hallway You’d see the Bathroom at one End and a Single Window at the Other.

       

When We all clamored upstairs We were informed that the Dog Tasha had in fact Jumped out of the SECOND STORY Hallway Window. We all instantly looked in the Direction of the Window, and it was indeed Broken like a motherfucker. To make things even more Grim below the Hallway Window was the Front Door where the Owner had installed a rather Large Cement Slab to serve as a Rudimentary Porch/Sitting Area. At that point We had to come to grips with the Sad Fact that Tasha had Jumped out of the Second Story Window (with No Way of Clearing the Cement Slab), and Limped or Crawled Off into the Woods to Die as Dogs are apt to do. The rest of the Night We all sat around forlorn as fuck, and in total disbelief at the situation We had returned to after a Nice Dinner Out. Finally We all concluded it was a freak accident, We were all upset by the series of Events that occurred, and that tomorrow would be a New Day and so We went to Sleep.

My Father had a Life Long Habit of waking up Before the Crack of Dawn Typically around 4:30am while the Rest of Us continued to Slumber for Several more Hours. Once My Father had made His mandatory Cup of Coffee He went to retrieve the Morning Paper, and when He opened the Door the Dog was Sitting there waiting. Not only was Tasha Alive and waiting for My Father to get the Paper She didn’t have a single scratch, Bruise, Not even a Limp after Jumping out the Second Story Window onto a Concrete fucking Slab. When the Rest of Us arose at Last We were treated to this splendid tale of Tasha’s miraculous (and equally unreal) Return.

          

Tasha lived out the Rest of Her life without issue and passed at the Ripe Old Age of 14, and until the Day I Die I will never forget Tasha the Luckiest Dog to have Lived in My mind. A Few Years after this volatile vacation We had phased out Our Periodic Trips to Maine but not due to this Incident. It was more than likely due to My Parents Dear Friend Don (who had Moved to Maine with His Wife after He retired from Teaching), and previous Colleeg Pasted of Natural Causes aka Old Age. Thus Maine has a Special place in My Fondest Memories because Alls Well That Ends Well as They Say.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

The Human Hypocrisy in Death

Ever since Humanity Evolved the Intellectual Ability to Comprehend Death, that ALL things including Us will Die, and there’s No fucking Way around it. Due to the Fear of the Unknown (or in this case what May or May not lie Beyond in the Realm of Death) has Spawned everything from Organized Religion to The Exploration for an Actual Psychical Fountain of Youth.

All this Time, Effort, Money, and Concern in an Attempt to Cheat or Deny Death in the End. Forever Chasing The Ultimate Prize, the Trophy of Immortality.

There is though One Fate more Dreaded Than Death Itself, and thats To Linger barely holding on to Life while Sick, Suffering, and Wallowing in Pain.

       

So its No Wonder when it comes to People’s Beloved Animals once They come into Their Golden Years  or to put it simply They Become Four Legged Senior Citizens. Once Our Pets Succumb to the Ravages of Old Age, As Their Teeth turn to Shit, They Loose Weight as well as Muscle Mass, Arthritis Takes Hold, Mobility and Bladder Control become An Issue, Senility, Their Eye Sight Dwindles, The Hearing goes Deaf, and We Deem that as “Having No Quality of Life”.We make one of the Hardest Calls Ever.

It’s said one of if not the Greatest Tragedy a Parent can face is Losing a Child because You’re Not meant to Out Live Your Children .They Out Live You and thats the Way it Is. Now based on that argument Pet Owners go through the same feelings of Loss, Depression, and Hopelessness as Parents do when They loose a Child, BUT Pet Owners will Experience such a Life Changing Loss Many, Many times during Their Lives.

          

As Humans We have Empathy and Compassion for Our Aged Animals, and would Never want to Prolong the Life of a Pet when all it has to Look Forward to is Slowly Suffering as it Creeps towards the Light. That is Why Not Only do We have Veterinarians to Heal/Cure Our Sick or Injured Pets, BUT, Veterinarians Provide a Service that is Alien in the World of Human Healthcare and that’s Euthanasia. And the Reason We have Euthanasia is to Relieve Our beloved Pets from Any and All Further Suffering. We all agree it’s the HUMANE thing to Do.

The Story though is Far Different when it comes to Humans and Death. Human’s for whatever reason can Justify the Sickness and Suffering of Elderly Family Members in particular. When a Relative becomes Gravely Ill and Whose’s End is Imminent We want Them to Be Pain Free and as Comfortable as Possible, BUT WE WON’T LET GO.

          

We throw Time, Money, Diagnostics, Medications, Tests, Medical Machines, Surgeries, and Doctors into the Mix to PROLONG a Loved One because THEY don’t want Them do Pass. People are fucking Selfish. People tend to Act in Their OWN Best Interest (Basically “I don’t want So-N-So to Die”) rather than that of The Sick and Suffering Family Member.

This Behavior has struck Fear into Many a Person’s Heart. The idea of Being Bed Ridden, Muddle Minded, In Pain, Soiling Ones Self, and Inability to Bath or Feed Oneself Trapped in the Confines of a Hospital Bed basking in the Soul sucking Florescent Lights. No One wants to Languish like a Living Corpse plugged into Menacing Medical Machines unable to Decide Your Own Fate as You wait Praying for the Sweet Release of Death.

          

This Fear gave Birth to a New Trend if You will The DO NOT RESUSCITATE (DNR) MOVEMENT.  A DNR is often referred to as a “NO CODE”, an Advance Directive Document that Guides Medical Personnel to NOT PREFORM CPR or Otherwise try to Revive You/Family Member/Dear Friend if Their Heart has Stopped.

Once the Idea caught on DNR LEVELS were implemented which are as Follows:

Level 1: Stay in a Facility, and be kept Comfortable, BUT NOT Given Antibiotics or Other Medications to Cure You.

Level 2: Stay in a Facility and Receive ALL Medications AND Treatments possible Within Said Facility.

Level 3: To Be Transferred to a Hospital from a Nursing Facility, BUT NOT given CPR or Taken to Intensive Care.

Level 4: Be taken to a Hospital and Given ALL  Possible Medical Interventions. DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE.

Note: Level 1 and Level 2 Allow Someone to Die Naturally in Familiar Surroundings. Also Some States use Different Terms Such as:

AND: Stands for ALLOW NATURAL DEATH, used in End of Life Situations to be Clear that an End is Anticipated and the Natural Consequences of the Condition are Allowed to Proceed.

DNAR: DO NOT ATTEMPT RESUSCITATION, this should be Accompanied by SPECIFICS of which Forms of Interventions Can or Can Not be Used if One’s Heart Stops Beating.

The Moral to this Twisted Tale is This: Figure Out Your Personal Medical Wishes, and More Importantly MAKE THEM ABUNDANTLY KNOWN so They will be Honored.

       

(Note: Living Wills Don’t Mean Shit in the Medical World as there is so much bullshit Red Tape that Living Wills are Almost NEVER HONORED because the Hospital and Doctors have to Legally Cover Their Asses.)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober (12:47am)

Quick Quiz Could Change Your Reality

Hello Reader(s),

If You opt to take the following Quiz Please follow these Guidelines:

  • Take Your Time. This isn’t some Convoluted Cosmo Quiz.
  • Think Over Your Answers. Question Everything.
  • BE HONEST. This is not some piece of Fluff Post.
  • This Quiz Could Alter Your Perception of Reality, The World, Humanity, Your Friends, Your Family, Coworkers, Significant Others, Neighbors, The Universe, Yourself, or Life & Death Permanently.
  • Pictures Have Been Added For The Purpose of Stimulating The Your Pre Frontal Cortex While Taking The Quiz.

For those reasons the ANSWER KEY won’t be Posted for a couple to a few Days as again it pays dividends to TAKE YOUR TIME, BE SURE OF YOUR ANSWERS, and BE HONEST (Otherwise Your Only Going To Fool Yourself, and the Quiz will be NULL & VOID.

   

1. Would You Ever Buy Something Off The Dark Web?                                                 A. Sure Why Not?!                                                                                                                        B. No Seems Like A Bad Idea.                                                                                                C. OH HELL YEAH, I’m An Asshole Who Lives Dangerously and Has No Fear Of Death!                                                                                                                                       D. OH HELL NO, I Don’t Want End Up In Prison.

2. Even If Its Prepared Correctly By A Master Sushi Chef Japanese Blow Fish or Fugu still has a 1 in 66 chance of Death When Eaten. Would You Ever Try Fugu?                                                                                                                                              A.  Yes I’ve Heard Its Tasty.                                                                                                    B.  No Thanks I Don’t Have a Death Wish.                                                                      C. I Know What Fire IS So I Don’t Eat Raw Fish. I’m An Asshole.                         D.  What The Fuck Is Wrong With This Red Lobster?!

3.When You Go To The Adult Store Do You…                                                                 A. Buy Something.                                                                                                                     B. Look Around Briefly And Leave.                                                                                    C. Realize You Could Have Done Your Adult Shopping Online.                             D.  I Don’t Indulge In Any Porn or Adult Store Merchandise, and I’m a Lying. I’m an Asshole.

     

4. What Kind of Pet Person Are You?                                                                                A. Rodents (Rats, Mice, Gerbils, Hamsters, Guine Pigs) Because I Forgot About The Black Plague                                                                                                          B.  Dog, Their Mankind’s Best Friend For A Reason.                                                 C.  Cat, They Were Worshiped Egyptians and They Had Pyramids so Thats Cool..                                                                                                                                               D. Fish. I’m a Simple Person Keeping It Simple.                                                          E. Bird. I’m a Masochist.                                                                                                         F. Reptiles. Dinosaurs Baby, Living Fucking DINOSAURS!                                     G. Unconventional (Pot Bellied Pig, Miniature Goat, Tarantulas, Scorpions, Hedgehog etc. I Was Born Without A Identity so Now My Identity Is My Pet. Also I’m An Asshole.

5. What Kind Of Motor Vehicle Is Your Type “Dream Car” ?                                  A. Sports: Speed Kills So Lets Die Fast!                                                                            B. SUV: I’ve Always Wondered What It Be Like To Be a Godzilla Sized Asshole.                                                                                                                                          C. Luxury: I’m a Rich Fat Bastard, and I Want The World To KNOW IT!          D. Truck: Bigger The Truck Littler The Man (Height and Penis)                         E. Motorcycle: Because Car Crashes Can’t Kill You Fast Enough.                         F. Moped/Scooter: I Like Motorcycles, But I’m Too Scared To Own One.

6. What Is Your Preferred Type/Style of Music?                                                          A. Heavy Metal: What I’m Middle Aged and Nostalgic.                                            B.  EMO: I’m Dark, Brooding, Deep and Clinically Depressed.                              C. Classic Rock: I’m a Hippy Hangover From 1969.                          D.Death/Black Metal: We Are All Going To Hell & I Have The Soundtrack!     E. Folk: I’m Heavily Medicated.                                                                                           F. Jazz: I Like Things That Sounds Like Schizophrenia Put To Music.              G. Pop: I’m a Mindless Commercial Lemming.                                                           H. Classical: I Like To Think I’m An Intellectual, I Listen To NPR.                      I. Punk: I Refuse To Admit Punk IS DEAD.                                                                       J. EMD: I’m a Bot.                                                                                                                      K.  Country: I Don’t Mind The Hypocrisy and Commercialism because I Like Horses and Playing Cowboys and Indians.                                                                     L. Talk Radio/Podcasts: I Didn’t Understand The Question, and I’m an Asshole.  

      

7. When Its Comes To Social Media Do You………                                                         A. I Check Once and a While, I Like Keeping Tabs On Shit.                                     B. I Check It Frequently and Often Because I Need To Stay In The Loop.          C. I Check It  CONSTANTLY I CAN’T AFFORD TO MISS A GODDAMN THING  D. I LIVE in Social Media, I’ve Fully Exited Physical Reality                                  E. I DON’T Check Because I Enjoy My Real Actual Life. Shove Second Life Up Your Avatar’s Ass.

        

8. What Kind Of Movies Do You Prefer To Watch?                                                      A. Horror: I’m a Sick and Twisted Little Puppy                                                            B. Action: Lets Blow Some Shit Up Already!                                                                  C. Drama: Because Life Doesn’t Have Enough Drama For Me.                              D. Foreign: I’m Profound & Worldly.                                                                                E. Rom-Com: Sometimes I Need a Break From Eharmony.                                    F. Documentary: Fuck Fiction I Want to Know What Is Really Going On in The World. Fiction, Save That Shit For Mordor.                                                          G. Mockumentary: Fuck Facts I DON’T Want to Know Whats Really Going On.                                                                                                                                                   H. Comedy: The Laugh More, Live Longer Philosophy                                              I. Thriller: I Like Being Scared, BUT I Can’t Handle Hardcore Horror.               J. Rockumentary: I Don’t just Want To Listen To Bands I Want To Know All The Behind The Scenes Shit Too!    

        

9. When I Drink I………                                                                                                             A. Shots! Shots! Shots!                                                                                                            B. Break Out The Beer Bong and Lets Party.                                                                  C. Have a Glass Of Wine With Dinner.                                                                              D. Have A Few Beers To Unwind After a Long Day.                                                     E. Go To The Bar and Shut That Fucker Down.                                                              F. Binge The Frat Life and I’m an Asshole.                                                                    G. Responsibly                                                                                                                            H. Like Theres NO Tomorrow and I Have A Hallow Leg.                                            I. Drink Like My Name IS Andre The Giant.                                                                    J. Drink Night and Day Because I’m an Alcoholic.                                                      K. Drink Cocktails Because I like To Classy Up My Boozing.                                  L. I Don’t Drink because I’m probably a fucking Alien.  

10. Where Do You Aquire Your Pornography?                                                               A. YouPorn.Com                                                                                                                         B. PornHub.Com                                                                                                                        C. Alternate Free Pornography Site.                                                                                  D. I Pay For My Porn Sites Like An Asshole.                                                                   E. Offline. I’m a Dinosaur and Still By Porno Magazines because I Like Reading The Articles.  

11. When It Comes To Trends I………                                                                                  A. Follow Blindly Like a Sheep.                                                                                            B. Make Sure I Conform To The New Trend WHILE Claiming Not To Be a Trend Follower.                                                                                                                          C. Follow Half Heartedly.                                                                                                       D. I Live To Trend, I’m a Hipster Asshole.                                                                      E. I DEPEND ON TRENDS I wasn’t Born With A Personality So I Need Trends To Define Me.                                                                                                                              F. Trends Are For Twats. I’m Not a Twat.

        

12. When I Smoke Marijuana I………                                                                                   A. Puff, Puff, Pass                                                                                                                      B. Break Out The Bong and Bomb it Like Bagdad.                                                       C. Smoke Straight To The Head By Myself.                                                                    D. Call My Friends and Bust Out The Bag/ Bust Out A Bag.                                     E. Smoke The Whole Bag From Beginning To End in One Sitting Like a Super High Hedonist.                                                                                                                            F. Wake And Bake BABY!                                                                                                           G. Smoke Socially because Hey Its Free.                                                                         H. Smoke Until I’m SO STONED I have To Hold Onto A Blade Of Grass To Keep From Falling Off The Planet.                                                                                      I. Smoke Like I’m Giving Cheech and Chong a Run For Their Money.                J. Smoke Like My Names Doug Benson.                                                                          K. Smoke Like a Chimney                                                                                                       L. Smoke Like I’m Trying To Smoke Colorado Dry.                                                  M. Smoke To Unwind After Work.                                                                                     N. 24/7 Like Snoop Dog.                                                                                                         O. Smoke Until The Tellitubbies Talk To Me.                                                                P. Smoke and Run Up a $600 GrubHub Bill                                                                   Q. Smoke Old School and Roll Up A Joint                                                                        R. Smoke New School and Roll Up a Blunt.                                                                     S. I Don’t Smoke Weed I Vape it and lecture People Who Didn’t Fucking Ask How Much Better It Is For You Than Smoking Weed. I’m a Self-righteous Asshole.                                                                                                                                         T. I Smoke SO MUCH Weed I Forgot How Much I Actually Smoke.                     U. I Don’t Smoke Weed and I’m Lying.

13. Air Guitar  OR Air Drums?                                                                                               A. Air Guitar: I Mean They Based The Widely Popular Video Game Rock Band Game on The Principle Of Air Guitar!                                                                               B. Air Drums: You Wanna Really Rock, DRUM SOLO!                                                C. Air Harpsichord: I’m an Asshole                                                                                   D. I play a REAL LIFE Drums/Guitar/Other Actual Musical Instrument.   

14. When It Comes To The Government I Believe………                                             A. Love Those Bastards, Good Job and Wouldn’t Change a Thing.                      B. Its a Necessary Evil                                                                                                              C. Its Time For a REVOLUTION.                                                                                          D. The System is Broken as Fuck, Scrap Current Model and Start Over.           E. Fuck Big Brother Period.                                                                                                    F. ANARCHY Live Free & Die Free.

    

15. When I Gamble I………                                                                                                        A. Play It Safe, And Stick To The Slots Like a Senior Citizen.                                 B.  I Set a Budget Before Hand, and Then Let The Chips Fall Where They May.                                                                                                                                                 C. Play Fast and Loose Because You Only Live Once so Fuck Consequences.  D. Play Like Your Auditioning For The World Series of Poker.                              E. Until I pass Out Or Puke From All The Free Fucking Drinks.                             F. I Don’t Gamble Probably Because I’m an Asshole.

    

16. When It Comes To Racists I Believe                                                                           A. Whole Heartedly In The 1st Amendment.                                                                  B. They’re Good People, and I’m a Trump Loving MAGA ASSHOLE.                  C. Racists Are Entitled To Their Opinion.                                                                       D. Racists Are Entitled To Their Opinion Even if Its Being a Bigot.                     E. Racists Are Fucking Scumbags                                                                                       F. My Favorite Game Is “PUNCH A NAZI”

17. When It Comes To Religion I Believe………                                                               A. There Is a God and We Should fucking FEAR HIM!                                               B. The Bible is a Moral/Ethical Historical Handbook Full Of Valid Advice.      C. God MIGHT Be Real So Better Play It Safe, and Go To Church.                        D. Heaven Or Hell Religion Doesn’t Matter To Me.                                                    E. I’m a Spiritual Person, Organized Religion is Man Made.                                  F. All Hail Mermenozoid!                                                                                                       G. Cults Are Cool so Whats Up With Scientology?                                                       H. Man Created God In HIS OWN IMAGE.                                                                        I. Take EVERY WORD of My Religious Text of Choice LITERALLY Because I’m a Religious Fanatic Like an Vile Evangelical.                                                      J. Science Over Organized Religion.                                                                                      K. There is Something Bigger Than Humans, BUT its Something Like The Universe or Nature for Example.                                                                                        L. The Ancient Greeks/Romans/Egyptians Had It Right.                                       M. How Would I Know About Religion I’m a Reincarnated Flat Worm.            N. See You In The Halls of Valhalla ASSHOLES!

    

18. When It Comes To Exercise I………                                                                               A. Believe My Body Is A Temple and I’m Its Maintenance Man.                           B. I’m just a Few Pounds Overweight, And Not That Out Of Shape so Steady As She Goes.                                                                                                                                 C. I Exercise Now and Then Basically Half Ass It.                                                       D. I’m Fine Buying Fitness Equipment, and Letting It Rot Covered in Dust In My Basement/Attic/Garage as I Always Have.                                                              E. I Love Exercising I’m a Gym Rat.                                                                                   F. I’m a Fitness Fanatic, I’m Running In Place While I Read This.                      G. I Need to Exercise, But Don’t Because I always Put It Off Till Tomorrow Like An Asshole.

   

19. When I Come To The Police I Think………                                                                 A. I Believe They Are In Fact Here To Protect & Serve Us                                         B. They Police Have Some Serious Problems That Need Correction.                  C.  Blue Lives Matter, and I’m an Utter Asshole.                                                         D. The Police Are The Biggest Criminals in America.                                                E. We Should Dismantle The Police System, And Reinstitute State Militias Or Wild West Modeled Sherriff’s Like Wyatt Eurp.                                                           F. The Police Are Just High School Nerds, and Now Have a Badge so They’re The Bully Now.                                                                                                                           G. Good Cops Are A Myth.                                                                                                      H. The Police Are Useless, Vigilante Justice Is The Only Way To Go.

    

20. When It Comes To Snakes and Spiders Which Are You More Afraid Of         A. Snakes: Obviously Remember The Garden Of Eden.                                             B. Spiders: They Can Crawl Into Your Ear, Lay Eggs, and The Babies Eat Your fucking Brain.                                                                                                                              C. Both Whats Wrong With You?                                                                                        D. Neither: I’m The Asshole Exception To The Rule.

 Brought To You By Les Sober

Written By: The University of Psychological Arts, The Synaptic Society,

& The Swedish Institute of Neuropsychology Research and Development.

 

Revised By: The Cerebral Studies Foundation & The Grey Matter Grant

Edited By: The Psychological Sociology Administration of Japan

Published By: InnerSelf Incorporated, Synaptic Storm,

& The Third Eye Institute for Developmental Cerebral Research.

The Backyard Beasts Big Break

It was just one of those mundane and utterly uneventful night a few days back that was until 4:07am. And then all fucking Hell broke loose. My Wife had passed out in her favorite Lazy Boy Recliner around midnight or so, and I dozed off around a little before 3 am.

The Backyard Beasts had been more vocal than usual that evening which now that I think about it was some serious foreshadowing. It was the wailing, Whining, loud, and virtual nonstop barking of the Backyard Beasts that woke my very unamused Wife who then yelled about being woke up due to the son of a bitch beasts. This in turn immediately woke me up and I glanced at the clock which read 4:07 am.

My Wife was shuffling like mad around looking for a flashlight and her shoes. My shoes where near by under the coffee table so I snatched them up, put them on, turned off the alarm system, found my keys, unlocked the door, and bounded out to the front porch.

I start scanning the yard squinting like a motherfucker because we don’t have street lights being so far out in the woods. I cursed out loud for not getting a hold of a flashlight myself as I stared into the night. The I saw it. It was big solid black silhouette standing at the edge of the yard between two trees. The only reason I could see that much was thank to the aid of our neighbors rather promenade out door lights. Their lights backlit the street just enough to see the contrast between the black of night and the black of the beasts.

I yelled to my Wife that there was another Beast out here and that was exciting ours evidently though I was completely wrong. This is not uncommon here in the Woods where people let there dogs roam like free range chickens out and about at all hours doing whatever they please.

I then had a odd feeling and then it clicked. This wasn’t a neighbor’s Beast, it was one of ours, the Brother Beast. I ran down into the yard words the Beast shouting his name, and He came right over. I took hold of his collar with an steely grip of a fucking Bear trap.

My Wife had ran directly to the back gate (instead of entering from the house where the Beasts are forbidden to go) and opened it to go see what she could find the fuck out. In opening the back gate she inadvertently let out the 2nd of our pair of Beasts (their a Brother-Sister Team who are the absolutely inseparable. The Girl won’t follow her Brother so she stayed put in the yard and lamented loudly pleading with her Brother to come the fuck back already.)  The Girl then decided to go rejoin her Brother and tore off like a fucking rocket into the dead of night.

My Wife ran passed me to corral the Sister Beast as I passed her with the Brother Beast in tow. I put the Boy Beast back into the confines of the backyard, and went to help my Wife. All of a sudden I hear her proclaim allowed that she has BOTH Beasts now. I holler back that I’m going to get some leashes to tie up the Beasts while I go inspect the backyard to see where the Beast escaped from.

I searched relentlessly checking the fence, the yard, and looked for any clues such as did he go under or over the Fence? Was the back gate to the yard eft unlocked? That kind of shit. Well after inspecting the backyard I was stumped. So I did the only thing I could and that was to take the gamble. The gamble being that if I had my Wife return the Beasts to the backyard that instead of waiting for me to leave and then escaping again, but rather the Boy would be stupid enough to just go for it right in front of me. Luckily it was the latter.

The dumb bastard trotted around to the opposing side of the house, walked over to the far side of the Air Conditioner, crouched down to the ground by the section of the fence that meets the Home Office, and started to crawl under it like some solider at boot camp running a obstacle course. I hurried over, bent down, and grabbed the Beast at the base of his large tail. As I retrieved the Boy Beast from out under the fence I informed my Wife I found his way out.

I then set to work fixing the issue the best I could with what I had available at 4 fucking AM. First I used some small fence stakes to secure the bottom of the fence like doctor Frankenstein stitching up his Monster. I the placed to long and rather weighty spare wooden beams at the base to help block the dig site/zone. My Wife and I went inside to catch our breath. Then the Mournful Howling started up again. I ran out front and again spotted our Boy bouncing around gleefully in the front yard without a care in the world. I managed once again to catch hold of his collar and wrangled him back into the backyard.

I immediately went to inspect the escape site and saw he had maneuvered the beams out of the way and tore up/out damn near every fence stake. So this time we decided it be best to just section off that small 5 foot long and 3 foot wide area until morning (when I could go to Home Depot and load up on cinder blocks to line the bottom of the fence with. Dig under that you big bitch is the motto) We had a massive and heavy piece of Ply Wood left over from the construction of my Art Studio I had held onto. This was perfect for the job of blockade. It was Long enough to block the space,  tall enough neither Beast could jump or climb over or under it, and it was pretty damn heavy.

My Wife and I were on the porch winding down off our adrenaline fueled frustration when we heard deliberate scratching of claws against wood. We both ran out back again and saw that the leaning Ply Wood wasn’t going to cut it by itself as the Boy Beast was creeping through the space behind it. I went and got the previously used beams and wedged them up against the Ply Wood, but we still need more. I found some old, solid wood barn type doors left over from the previous owner and I knew they had some serious weight to them so I leaned both of them up against the ply Wood, andante again my Wife and I retired to the House.

Yet again We heard the Boy Beast testing the viability of the Ply Wood wall and for what seemed like the 5,000th time went to go evaluate the escape situation. We came to the conclusion the Ply Wood needed yet MORE securing so I went and fetched some of the mock rout iron gates that came in sections down at the Home Depot’s gardening center. I used the pieces of gate the pin the Ply Wood to the Air Conditioner, and it held fast.

Finally my Wife and I got a few more hours of sleep before waking for work. My Wife went off to work as per usual, and I fired up my Lap Top. Then after about an hour or two I heard the Girl Beast’s cry of desperation. I ran to a back window and peered out only to see that fucking son of a bitch Boy Beast standing on the dirt road behind our home office happier than a Prize Pig in shit. I went out and pretended I was giving his Sister a treat (I always give the Beasts a treat before heading out anywhere.), and just like a sucker at a used car dealer he bought it.

I then called my Wife in a foul fit of anger (and exasperation) and told her what happened, and that outside of killing them or myself had come to the end of my rope. She instructed me to house the Beasts on the front porch until she got off work. She said right after she got off she’d head over to Home Depot and pick up the cinderblocks.

I followed her lead and stashed the Beasts on the front porch for the day. I couldn’t help it though I had to see how the hell the Boy had pulled off yet another escape. I was truly surprised at what I found. The Ply Wall was perfectly still intact. After further inspection I realized the Boy Beast I climbed up and over the Air Conditioner Unit to circumvent the Ply Wood, and then simple jumped down the other side into the separated section to dig under the fence.

That evening my Wife returned home with the cinderblocks, and I went about building a Fence Bottom Cinderblock Barrier. Before I laid the cinder blocks down I used a couple sections of the mock fence as anchors. I simply slid the legs of the section of mock fence between sections of the chain link thus pinning it to the ground. The Boy Beast did try and escape again to no vail, but not due to a lack of trying. All I had to due to secure that bottom section of the fence was to tweak the cinderblock’s formation. And all is quite on the Western Front as some would be apt to say.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober  

Our Animal Farm

I’m definitely what people would call an Animal Lover, and yes the cliche is true I love Animals and Despise People. I started to think about all the different pets I have had the pleasure of sharing my chaotic life with over the years, and for prosperity (Mine) decided to do what I do and make a list. I decided to use a timeline format to help grouping and increase clarity. First is the species followed by the pets name.

Growing Up Age: 3 Days Old to 18

A Golden Retriever: Tasha (My Dad’s 1st Dog)

DSH Cat: Little Bit (My Mom’s Cat)

Lhasa Apso: Chuzzle (Suffered chronic ear infections that led to an aggressive and undesirable behavioral problems, but we stuck by him just the same until his natural demise.)

Age 19 years old to 27 years old:

Maincoon Mix: Al (Alize) (was a 5 week old kitten rescued from a dumpster and deflated by hand by a neighbor of mine)

PitBull: VooDoo (Was the last puppy of a litter my co-worker was selling, but her landlord found out and demanded she rid the residence of all Puppies)

Lhasa Apso Mix: Jimbo (I became Jimbo’s Owner abandoned him at the kennel I was working at.)

Iguana: Tribe (A rescue, his previous owner was some kid who ended up going to collage and stuck the unwilling parents with the Iguana)

Bearded Dragon: Drivil (was re-homed to me again due to the fact the child wanted it and the parents ended up taking care of it though they obviously didn’t want to>)

 

Ages 27 years old to Current Age:

Iguana: Gizmo (was captured in the wild by a co-worker who asked me to iguana sit and then ditched him with me)

Pug/Boston Terrier Mix: Rascal (Adopted from Animal Shelter)

Maine Coon (cat): Big Kitty (Was a rescue from an Animal Shelter)

African Chameleon: Not Sure if he/she came with a name. (It was a re-homing as the previous owner bought it as an impulse buy and had decided perhaps that wasn’t the best idea he had ever had.)

Blue Tongue Skink (Lizard): Hook (Hook got his name due to a previous owners neglect that led Hook to self cannibalize, he ate all 4 of his legs, which over the following years became to regenerate. He was re-homed because his owner was suffered a severe head injury while serving in the Military)

Rat: Snafoo (Snafoo spelled this way is short for Snake Food which is what it was intended to be yet the snake gave it a get out of jail card if you will.)

Adabeece: Colombian Rainbow Boa Constrictor (Re-Homed because the owner had to move back home and her parents wouldn’t allow the snake sanctuary)

Monty: Ball Python (Again Re-Homed to me when I worked in a Veterinarians Office because the owner couldn’t treat the snakes chronic dry skin issue. Monty had made a full and significant recovery and if currently fat and happy.)

Love Birds (2): Frick and Frack (I received the love birds from an owner who had accumulated too many to handle appropriately.)

Mollies (fish): Too Many Too Name Individually (Were given to me when a friend of mines shitty girlfriend made him get rid of them.)

Ferrets: Judas (found wondering the streets by a dumpster by some kid who brought him into the Vet’s office I was working at.)

Kabuki: My Wife Bought Him for Me and to give Judas a playmate.

Frankenstien: Came from a co-worker at the Vets office My wife worked at

BooBoo: Re-homed by a friend/co-worker at the Vet office my wife worked in.

Scarlet: Re-homed when her companion died.

English Bulldog:Bubba (We got Bubba when his owner decided he didn’t give a flying fuck about the Dog because he was old and had old man issues, and the Vet I worked for took custody of Bubba from the owner to prevent further neglect, and I ended up bring him home the end.)

DSH Cat: Inky (Was my Wife’s Cat, a package deal who was a stray from the mean streets of NJ)

DSH Cat: Bradshaw (we ended up re-homing Bradshaw to a dear friend because he and Inky actually tried to kill one another, proof animals are capable of hate.)

Hermit Crabs: Various Absurd Names like “The Monster Clint”(I got obsessed with hermit crabs and had a 300 gallon tank that was empty so I decided to convert it into a Hermit Crab “City”)

2 Snapping Turtles: Mrs. Snaps and Mr. Chomps (I ended up rehoming the turtles to a neighborhood acquaintance who had vast experience and love working with wild animals. Last I heard she was feeding them raw Chicken.)

French Bulldog: Dozy (was re-homed to us by a breeder and dogs how pro who decided that she wanted to back to breeding and showing Boxers so she retired all her French Bulldogs, Dozy was a prolific champion who I heard many other dog show people were happy to see go.)

English BullDog: Wally (Re-homed to us when his owner realized he was working more and more which left less and less time for Wally who was stuck in his crate too much for too long.)

DLH Cat: KiKi (Was re-homed to use by an owner who could no longer keep her)

DSH Cat: Mouse (We got Mouse when a dear friend died, Mouse had both her eyes removed at 6 weeks of age due to brutal ulcers that were destroying her eyes.)

DSH Cat: Scooter (Belonged to the same dear friend, BUT was snuck into our house while we were away by our friend. Scooter spent the first part of his life with us holed up in a bedroom closet. He since has broken out of his shell to the point I wish sometimes I could put him back in.)

Miniature Dachshund: Lolly (Lolly came to us from a breeder, see Lolly is white which is synonymous with birth defects. Lolly is completely Deaf and 1/2 blind, but the happiest little fucker I have ever seen.)

DSH Cat: Schmoo (Named for the constant meow meets scream that she made as a kitten. My wife found Schmoo crying under a bush outside our house while hanging Christmas Lights.)

2 Lab/Rottweiler Mixes: Dingus (Gus for Short) and Nymh (Dingus and Nymh are brother and sister puppies we found sitting on the side of a dirt road notorious for illegal Dog Dumping. After we drove past them my Wife called my attention to the review mirror where I saw the Pups chasing after our car for all it was worth.)

 

Thats That for now until another Misfit falls into our laps.

Thanks for the Read as Always,

Les Sober

 

Dirtbags That Ditch Dogs On Dirt Roads

This is one of those tales that comes along when you already think you know what is going on, and then life swings back around and kicks you in the ass.

Before We relocated to the Souther Country We were well aware that the county We were moving to (Crush County) was pretty poor. Due to a severe lack of funds one of the things Crush County was forced to do was close their Animal Care And Control almost 4 years ago. Recently the Crush County AC&C has been trying desperately to reopen in at least some capacity, but are actually have to rebuild the entire system from the ground up.

In addition again due to lack of funds and resources Crush County doesn’t have a single Animal Shelter, and there no established rescue organizations. There are a few so called “Animal Rescues”, but in reality they people mean well (and want to help) its just that they don’t know how to help effectively, and lack the resources to.

To top it all off attitudes towards pet dogs are significantly outdated. What I mean by that is People aren’t on board with spaying/neutering their pets, Dogs are put out in the morning and allowed to roam until they return home at diner time to eat, Collars are a rarity and next to no Dogs with Name/Rabies tags on their collar if they do in fact have one.

Now heres the story.

My Wife and I were driving to the next town over to buy some supplies we can’t get in our Tiny Town. To reach the neighboring town there is a dirt road short cut which we utilize constantly for its convince. Right as we hit the top of the dirt road we saw two Puppies (large breed pups but pups none the less) sitting on the side of the road looking rather lost and confused. We slowed down as we passed them not wanting to accidentally hurt one of them and waved at them. A second later My wife called my attention the to review mirror. I looked into the passenger’s side review mirror and saw the two pups running after our car desperately trying to keep up. We immediately pulled over and stopped the car. We both exited the car and the two pups came running up to us brimming with glee, and we knew that anyway you sliced it these pups were now our responsibility as we weren’t about to leave them where we found them along side of a deserted dirt road.

An old beat up pick up truck came rambling down the road from the opposite direction so when the truck got near we stopped it, and asked the old man driving if he knew who these pups belonged too? He said with all conviction that he had no idea who’s pups they might be. We then asked the old man what exactly should we or could we do to help the pups as we are new to the area? The old man responded with the same previous conviction that we could leave them, Pick them up or Give them to someone we knew and drove off.

Well as I said abandoning the pups was NOT an option and we don’t know anyone yet being the new kids on the block so we reverted back to what we knew and decided to try and locate the owner. Now like I mentioned earlier collars and tags are not a priority here so as you can imagine the pups had neither, but they were well fed and very friendly (not all dogs here are friendly because there is a feral stray dog population which unfortunately is an ongoing and growing problem.) We heard several dogs barking at the small cement bunker looking like house on the corner at the top of the dirt road. We assumed that the pups must have slipped out the fence so we loaded the pups up into our car and drove the 7 blocks back to the corner house. There were approximately 8 adult (possibly few of them were juveniles) running around barking their fucking heads off in the fenced in backyard of the small house. My Wife got out and started to cross the front yard words the front door when the front door opened a fraction and a little old lady stuck her head out and demanded to know what we wanted. We explained we found these two pups and were wondering if they were in deed hers to which the old woman stated aggressively that she “Didn’t have NO Puppies”, and then she provided us with the reality of the dirt road we mistook for an innocent short cut. After stating that she didn’t have any puppies she shouted angrily that the dirt road was a notorious road for dumping unwanted dogs, and that the illegal abandoning of dogs is a frequent occurrence. Then the old woman pulled her head back inside and slammed to door with a vengeance.

My Wife and I once again loaded up the pups and did the only thing we knew we could and brought the pups back to our home office. Our home office has a large fenced in backyard complete with a large one car garage (and of course we all just park out in the drive way) and we decided we could house the pups there until we figured out what the hell we could do.

Now before any over sensitive animal lovers get ready to give us shit because we did’t bring them inside remember and know this we didn’t know if the pups were destructive, how if at all were they house broken, they needed to be dewormed as well as shots and a serious flea/tick bath. We also have 3 cats and a handicapped Mini Dachshund (she was born completely deaf and half blind) already in our Office and din’t know how the new pups would react/behave around other dogs or cats.

My Wife and I as well as our staff are all animal owners and lovers so as soon as we got the pups back to the office and the staff undated we went to work. We secured the gate so the pups would;t be able to take any unauthorized walks if you will. We then cleaned out and organized the garage, loaded it up with beds, blankets, tons of toys, food/water dishes, treats, and put the pups to bed so to speak.

The next day We bathed both pups for ticks and fleas, took them to the local and only Veterinarian for shots and to pick up dewormer, Heart Worm Preventative, Flea/Tick Prevention, and find out when the pups needed their rabies shot. We also went and spent our weekly beer budget at local Pet Stores buying food, treats, more fucking toys and training treats. We also told the various pet shop employees our story and they all said the same thing “You picked them up in your car and took them to your Home Office, Their your dogs you know that right?”

The Pups are brother and sister Lab/Rotti mixes that were around 12 weeks old when we found them on the side of the road. The Boy is an attention whore, Dopey, Wrestling loving big old ball of goofy that earned him the name Dingus (or Gus for short) and his sister is smart as a whip, the shyer of the two, and extremely loving so we named her Nymh (and yes thats a hats off reference to The Secret of Nyhm) We have had them with us for the last 3 weeks and couldn’t be happier. The Pups don’t have any bad habits like digging or chewing, they are EGAR to please, travel great in the car, Intelligent and full of unconditional love. The Pups have already mastered the commands for Sit, Stay and Down and put a smile on anyones face they come in contact with. As far as any backstory for the pups is concerned I Believe the original owner had a litter of pups they were selling, and these two didn’t get bought. Not only did the pups not sell they started to get expensive (they eat like fucking horses) and less puppy like so the owner decided to dump the dogs on the dirt road. Those assholes’s loss so fuck’em I’m not wasting my time being pissed about it as that is a futile activity.

All in All even though the pups fell into our lap I feel it couldn’t be any more fitting for the start of the new chapter in Our and f-yourblog.com’s Lives. I mean we moved to the Southern Country and acquired two pups that were ditched on a dirt road, and will grow up to be some truly great Big Old Country Dogs.

Thanks For The Read

Les Sober

We’ll Make Great Pets? By Spacedog

The first half of my day yesterday was complete garbage. It consisted of sitting in traffic for an hour, getting two different credit cards declined (special shout out to Wawa and Boscovs), sitting in traffic for 2 hours and contemplating peeing my pants because I had a towel to sit on and was on my way home.

As void of intrigue and drama as I tend to be, I chose against peeing myself. This isn’t about pee though. I mean it felt absolutely amazing to do so at that point but that being the highlight of my mediocre day was not quite mediocre enough yet. I decided to do one of the most boring things that the era of the Internet has ever bought upon us. I decided to clean out my e-mail.

Now I have way too many e-mails. I know of 7 different accounts, but there probably exist a multitude of others at very dead sites. AOL, Yahoo, Juno, Hotmail, Myspace. I’d rather not read the ancient e-mails I sent in my 20s or from the dawn of time (the 90s) because well I mostly sit and think who the fuck was that guy.

So I decided to actually open up an e-mail from a random social media site called Hi5. It is not the greatest site but not the worst unless you take into account the people they tell you to speak converse with. I would show my last recommendations but just imagine a cohabitation of meth users, the morbidly obese, and people who look like an attractive young man but sadly the picture is clearly on 1970s quality film.

There is one bizarre thing this site does have. I really have never seen anything quite like it. While Facebook has (or had?) pokes, the gays have their woofs, every site has likes and Myspace has ghosts Hi5 has pets. What is the point of pets? I haven’t the slightest idea. I bought my first pet about six years ago in that time period when Myspace just died and your mom wasn’t quite on Facebook yet.

Every member is up for sale with virtual cash. I don’t know if I started with it or watched a video or two or to earn more but I just started buying cute guys. I wanted a decent amount from each country to diversify I suppose. It was basically just a bunch of clicking and clicking and clicking and I grew tired of it rather quickly.

The entire site as a matter of fact. It is like the Craigslist of social media, an odd blend of when MySpace was legit, old school AOL and creepy guys that lurk in oversized vans. The pet thing made me take the opposite approach though when I got unwanted attention. I would just buy people instead of block them.

And oh I bought them. The straights, the gays, the ladies, I even bought myself a big boned lady with a great big retard smile. I only wasted maybe 2 hours of my life doing this in total of my entire life. I really wonder though what was the point of all of this? I was owned by some lady (or man pretending to be a model, this lady was unreal looking Brazilian goddess). There were many messages of I love you and I love my pets on my page over the past few years which only make me laugh my ass off. I mean I like love and all, who really doesn’t when it comes to it, but this woman took the pet thing all too seriously.

I mean I could message all these pets of mine or meme them to death, but I feel more connected to the people I met on a Greyhound bus 15 years ago, despite not having talked to them in 15 years. I’m clicking on links right now but I am not even really sure why. I could be eating, exercising, masturbating, actually texting more then one person, actually paying attention to my TV or my music which are inexplicably both on for some reason.

I mean I guess it could have been worse. I could have bought only blacks and dreamed of my past life on a plantation but I’m Polish and the only black things we’ve ever owned are prune babkas. I could be a peddler of midgets. This seems like a fantastic type of journey I suppose, except I can’t search for people by height and would probably have to click no about 1,000 times to find one midget let alone an armada of midgets.

I could collect the deformed. I’m pretty sure this would involve way less clicking but since you are the company you keep I would just be the product of looking at ugly people, become incredibly hideous, and 400 pounds while clicking faster then any sized person barring maybe a handful of Korean Starcraft players.

Long story, long… this shit is weird as fuck. In some virtual reality type mall where I could see these people it would be funny to go up and buy people in a window but frankly I’d buy someone naked. So rest assured, I know too will get naked and become one with the night.

If you want to check out these oddities for yourself, head over to hi5.com. Check out the meager selection from the dating pool, the dead accounts, and waste an hour or so buying some pets. I can promise they won’t give you rabies over your connection, but carpal tunnel may be in your future if you happen to be riding the tsunami of boredom.