Tag: pleasant surprise

College Writing Class and The GG Allin Incident

It was the First Day of My Creative Writing Class My Freshman Year of College and the Professor Passed out one of those “Getting to Know You” Work Sheets. I understand the Point, but I have to wonder How Many Teachers/Professors Actually give a shit enough to Read Them. Since this was a Creative Writing Class this particular Questionnaire had all the Stereotypical Questions One might Expect for a Writing Class. All the Questions were Absolutely Cliche like “Why do You Like Writing?”, “Why Did You Choose to take this Class?, and “Who’s Your Favorite Writer?

                  

I was slowly and quite begrudgingly filling out the Questionnaire while thinking to myself what a fucking waste of Time it was, and then I noticed the Last Question. It stood out since it had Nothing to do with Creative Writing whatsoever. The Question was simply “What’s Your Favorite Song?” followed by the Instruction to Add the Musician or Band Who preformed the Song as Well. I couldn’t for the fucking Life of Me figure Out Why this Particular Question was on the Sheet since it seemed really quite Random. All I could come up with in the End was I assumed We were going to Study Lyrics as a Form of Creative writing which it is if You stop and Think about it. You know what They say about Assuming right it makes an Ass out of You and Me and its 100% True as I learned Once Again.

               

I have to Admit that Up until this Point whenever I was Asked to Fill Out one of these First Day Forms I pulled My Punches. Now before Anyone gets all uppity and Points Out that I frequently say that I DO NOT Pull My Punches I did have a Somewhat Valid Reason. Since I have Extreme Interests (be it Movies, Art, or Music for Example)  I was Always Concerned that if I answered Honestly that it would inevitably come back to Haunt Me. What I mean I didn’t want the Teacher to Read My Answers and think to Themselves “This Kid could be Problematic”or “I better Keep an Eye on That One He could be Trouble.”, or “Judging by these answers the Kid must be a Serious Slacker.” or Anything Remotely Negative.  Ironically I didn’t want Them to Assume Shit about Me especially Based on some Stupid First Day of Class Questionnaire.

                  

This Time though I decided that this wasn’t bullshit High School anymore this was fucking College, and for the First Time I’d answer the Questionnaire Honestly without Sugar Coating Shit. At that Point in My Life I was really into GG Allin (and I still am), and My Favorite Song by Him was “Bite It You Scum!” which is an Extremely Defiant Anti- Authority Anthem if there Ever was One. I figured it wouldn’t amount to shit anyway since I believed that at Best the Teacher/Professor skinned them quickly and then put them in some fucking Drawer where They wouldn’t see the Light of Day. Feeling Righteous as Humanly Possible I wrote My Answer, and that was that or so I thought.

               

As it Turned Out this Professor did in Fact Read the Answers written by Her Students, But that’s just the Beginning as I found out. Unbeknownst to the Class She not only Read the Answers She tracked Down Each Song, and before Class Once Everyone was Present and before Class actually Started She’d Play One. Now She would never disclose Who’s Favorite Song it was that was being Played that Day and I certainly Appreciated the Anonymity of it all. I also figured that once She read the Song Titled She’d decide to Skip Me altogether and Who Could Blame Her. GG Allin is Not what You’d call Family Friendly as its filled with Obscenities, Vulgarities, Delt with Sex and Drug Use, Anti-Authority, and a Healthy Dose of Violence. If by some chance of Divine Intervention She had decided to Hunt Down a Copy of the Song as Soon as She Heard it She’d throw My Questionnaire immediately into the fucking Garbage (Again I couldn’t Blame Her for thinking the Song was Highly Inappropriate). I took solace in the Fact that at least I answered Honestly and Bottomline was that’s all that Mattered to Me.

                    

The Class Progressed from there Uneventfully We came to Class, Listen to a Song, Had Class, and Went Home to do whatever Assignment We had been given. We Studied Diligently for Tests, did Our Best on Pop Quizzes, and Labored Endless Hours on Our Mandatory Presentations (The Presentations were 10-12 minutes Long and Chronicled the Life and Work of an Author of Our Choice). Then We hit the Halfway Point and We were faced with the Dreaded Midterms. The Midterms were a Serious Game Changer as the Professor would see How well We were handling the Class. I mean You can Bullshit Your way Through a Test/Quiz You may Not have properly prepared for if You have to, But the Midterms were No fucking Joke. I did My part and Studied My ass Off for the Midterm and it was a Thankless Grind of Author’s Names and Works, Subject of Multiple Books, and Pertinent Dates/Events in the Author’s Lives along with more Personal Biographical Information.

                    

Finally the Day of the Midterm was Here it was Now or fucking Never. I got to Class early since being Late for a Midterm was Frowned Upon and would get You into some Pretty Deep Shit with the Professor. I sat at My Desk and tried like hell to Calm My Racing Mind and Quell My Fears of Failing for what seemed like a fucking Lifetime and Then it Happened. I was in My Pre Midterm Meditation when all of a Sudden to My Great Surprise I heard the Opening Chords of GG Allin’s Song “Bite It You Scum” and Almost Fell on the fucking Floor Out of fucking Shock. I couldn’t believe the Professor had Found the Song, Listened to It, and then Deemed it Alright to Play before Class. I was also Impressed that She had managed to Locate a Earlier Recording before GG’s Voice was Destroyed By Booze, Drugs, and Non Stop Screaming/Yelling (in the Last Years of His Life GG sounded like He had just Gargled Broken Glass before Singing).

                    

I am just as Amazed Today as I was Then by these Series of Events, and have a Great Deal of Admiration and Respect for My Creative Writing Professor. To Her Credit at the End the Song being an Earlier Recording Ended in a Haze of Distorted Guitar while GG Ad-libbed with a Bunch of Profanity Laden Babble. The End line of this Rendition GG Blurts Out “You Fucking Pig! You Fucking Whore!” at which Point the Professor Quipped “Oh My” and Shut the Song Off. Again I couldn’t Blame Her and I was just Impressed She played it Period. As a Result of these Events I will Never Forget My College Freshman Creative Writing Class until the Day I Die.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober   

The Cop, The Crooks and The Kegger

It was a night as another night in the small town of Phucitville USA when I along with my friend Space Dog ran into a couple of friends of ours at a local shit strip mall. their names were Firefly and her on again off again love triangle entangled boyfriend Hermoor which is Scandinavian translates into ”War Spirit”. Now the gruesome twosome had gotten themselves into a bit of trouble (selling counterfeit acid) and needed a ride out of town about as fast as they could get one. They asked Space Dog and myself (though I was the one with the car) if they could bum a ride, but this wasn’t just a spin around the block as it were they needed a road trip into the deep south. With Space Dog as my copilot as well as my traveling companion for the return trip I said it be no problem so we planned to meet up the next day and hit the road.

When the morning arrived I drove over to Space Dog”s, picked him up and headed out to meet up with FireFly and Hermoor at the designated location. Once we got to the spot we had to find them in a crowd of people who turned out for some fundraiser “fair” that had been scheduled for the same day. Finally we found them collecting money owed (as he was the biggest drug connection in the entire county in spite of his acid antics) and peddling whatever contraband they had left to fund their/our road trip. At last with cash in hand and out of contraband (accept for the personal head stash Hermoor kept at all times.) we managed to get going as it was going to be quite awhile on the road to say the least. We spent the entire day limping down the highway as my car (being older then dirt) kept over heating every 45 minutes or so (turned out once we arrived to be a minuscule hole in the radiator hose) and smoking weed at every rest area along the way waiting for the car to cool down. Once the sun set traveling was much more productive since obviously it was much much cooler.

It was around 1 am I was driving (Hermoor and I were trading off driving as Space Dog and FireFly where old enough but yet still didn’t have a drivers licenses) I had been driving 6 hours or so straight and started to suffer white line syndrome, thats when your so tired you start to see double as your vision becomes increasingly blurry. I took the next exit I could find and pulled into a gas station at the bottom of the exit ramp. I woke the crew up for refueling the car and ourselves then decided it was time I called home since my family hadn’t seen hide nor hair of me in 72 hours (friends used to call and where told by my family that wasn’t there and had the caller seen me and if so when) I moseyed over to the pay phone (Yup life before cell and smart phones) and called my family collect. No one answered because it was after 1 am in the morning , but the answering machine (yup life before voice mail hard to comprehend even for me) so I left a message saying I was on the road with friends headed into the deep south and would be home in a couple days or so. As soon as I hung up the receiver out of the corner of my eye I saw a fucking cop drive into the gas station and park. Now he didn’t park at a gas pump nor near the gas station’s front door instead he pulled up next to the curb where he could see us and us him (common cop tactic to intimidate so if the civilian acts nervous because fuck their being intimidated on purpose then the cunt cop can fuck them over 9 ways till Sunday.) The first thought that went through collective conscience was “FUCK! Now what the hell we do??!”

What you must understand is the following facts:

  1. I was 19 and my friends were 17-19 years old so to the cops we were a group of young punks.
  2. There was the matter of the various contraband items that comprised Hermoor’s head stash in the car.
  3. We all were exhausted not to mention stoned as Tommy Chong at the time.
  4. We had out of state plates on the car (a natural attractant of unwanted police attention) too.
  5. We had by this time ventured into the religious region of the south and we obviously weren’t church going folk.
  6. Cops are BIGGER assholes in the religious religion of the south BIG TIME.
  7. The way we were dressed made us stand out like the Las Vegas strip. I was wearing a leather biker jacket (no shirt), worn as worn can get jeans, a pair of shot out shit kickers and a dog collar with pad lock. Hermoor was sporting his Black Metal Scandinavian heritage gear that consisted of a Leprous Troll T-shirt, combat boots and some sort of Norwegian viking kilt. FireFly was sporting a tie dyed sun dress and was barefoot like some wannabe woodland hippy elf. Lastly Space Dog was wearing a Sonic the Hemp Hog T-shirt, ragged jean shorts and a stuffed pair of Doc Martins.

At this point we figured all we could do is prepare for the worst and hope for the best as we were destined to get royally fucked with and likely over by this deep south son of a bitch pig. The cop after pausing an exorbitantly long pause (also designed to instill unease in citizens by the cocksucking cops.) rolled down his window and asked us strait away if we were coming from the local collage kegger party to which we responded that no we hadn’t been at the party as we were out of staters just stopping off to get some gas before moving along. Once again there was a longer then normal drawn out pause on the crappy cops end. After his 2nd planned pause the cop said something we had never anticipated so much it almost turned our brains into shit with utter surprise and awe. What follows is almost verbatim but time has worn my memories so its not quite a direct quote.

Cop: “Have you all coming from the kegler down at the college?”

Us: “No just getting some gas and heading out back on the road and not aware of this or any kegler.”

Cop: “Well then, I’ll tell you how you can get there….”

The cop went on to give us complete details and directions to the party before telling us rather cheerfully to be safe, take it easy and safe travels before rolling up his window and slowly driving off into the shadowy vail of night.  As soon as he was out of sight we jumped in our car and drove like a motherfucker as far away from there as we could get.

Nice not to get arrested for once, not to mention a cop has never given me directions to a college kegler or any party for that matter. Luck be a lady tonight.