Tag: porn

Flags, Days, and Ideas

So I do not have any idea how I came across this little tidbit I thought I would share. I find most things on the internet in a very random fashion. I think I was looking up British things, or British slang, or British boys, or text messaging abbreviations or what not.

Well actually it probably was something more like looked at a porn. The guys name was chris. Looked up christmas next. Singing christmas carols to myself. What holiday is today? That timeline is a bit too structure though. Probably was more like hearing lyrics in a song which brought up a random emotion I had to look into.

Law Day????

So yes Happy Law Day! Oh and loyalty day as well. Both holidays which were put into place by President Eisenhower. While the rest of the world has festivities to celebrate International Labour Day, we have Law Day.

Apparantly our president thought that these holidays were communist in nature. The exact reasoning behind this I have no idea, however this is from the party that brought us Freedom Fries, global hatred, and the great depression. So why not try to make us different from the rest of the world??

I mean if we want to get really conservative about things maybe then we shouldn’t really be allies with England. I mean you know we did war against them in the 18th century.

Or maybe we should reverse Jim Crow or teach more intolerance to our children under the guise of religion.

Loyalty Day????

As for Loyality Day, I have nothing against this one. If it means pledge of allegiances to the flag 100 times while standing on one’s head by all means do it.

However I think this holiday is rather dumb and repetitive. Shouldn’t we be loyal everyday of the year? I mean it falls along the same lines as Mother’s Day for me. I cherish and love my mother dearly but do I really need a special day set aside for me by Hallmark to buy her a card and some flowers???? I think it just gives stupid people a reason to be an ass 364 days of the year and then suddenly swoop down in their blazes of glory like some great big hero.

Yeah, hero of the douchebags.

Recommendations

So as my recommendations for this day, there are several. First, if you think the rest of the world is wrong and that today is a communist holiday by all means bust out your law books, dress like that annoying guy in the informecials with the flag shirt on, buy some whiskey, get a mullet, and start a random witch hunt.

However if you think the rest of the world is not wrong, formulate your own minor protest along with me. Break a law. Yes! Break a law!

Please do not break a major law. I don’t need to hear on the 6 o’clock news how some moron with an IQ of 80 raped a pig to teach them a lesson about the swine flu or how some dillweed was told to break the law and decided to piss in the middle of a supermarket (but in the Depends section, I mean that the responsible thing to do).

Minor, minor, minor. Roll through a stop sign going 5. Eat one too many grapes at the grocery store (however many that is). Play your music too loud in the car. Or any other law you deem to be completely stupid that will not get you jail time or a fine.

If you lack the capacity to do this it is okay. But if you do something silly and agree with me that the rest of the world is not celebrating a communist holiday, by all means post your mini infraction here.

I plan to play my music too loud and smoke cigarettes in the car in a town where it is considered illegal to smoke in the car!!! Oh no.

By SpaceDog  

Senior Citizens & The Sex Shop Showdown

One Day I was hanging out with my dear friend The Armenian at his Grandmother’s house drinking Gin and Tonics of all fucking things. For the record I hate Gin, and think the only people on Earth who should drink it are The British Elderly. My personal feelings aside Gin was all We could steal from My Mother’s Liquor Cabinet the previous night.

Once We were dead drunk We wondered around and came upon a Bus Stop so We got on the next Bus that came without regard to where it was actually going. 10 minutes or so later We found out that it went to the local Mall. This was of course AFTER We had gotten OFF the Bus. We stumbled around trying to find a way to get the fuck away from the Mall when We came across a couple of Girls named Ryder and Debs (Short for Debra) sitting outside a Mall exit. They happened to live in the neighboring town of Addison which was cool because We were sick of the girls in our town.  We struck up a conversation, and short story short We became friends with some romantic relationship shit along the way.

It was a slow Sunday when The Armenian and I were doing a lot of nothing when We decided to head over to Addison to do a lot of more nothing with Ryder and Debs. We drove over and picked up Ryder and Debs and proceeded to drive around aimlessly smoking pot and talking shit. This was our favorite time killing pastime as our towns were small and full of Assholes.

Once We succumbed to the so called “Munchies” We stopped at a Local Diner called The Crystal Diner on Route 99. Now Route 99 was the main highway and commercial strip that ran through Addison. It housed everything from Grocery Stores, Fast Food Restaurants, bowling ally, a 2 screen movie theater, a Dunkin Donuts, Clothing Stores, Etc.

The most note worthy thing about Old Route 99 was at the far end running out of town nestled between a Gas Station and a Music store back from the road was a Adult Book Store (AKA Porn Shop). The Porn Shop was a small grey cinder block building with a Blacked out front window and parking in back. The Crystal Diner just so happened to be located across the street a few doors to the right. As We came out of Crystal The Armenian noticed there was quite a commotion going on over at the Porn Shop. This was something that could not and should  be ignored and We headed off words the Porn Shop on foot.

As We got closer We saw that there was a decent sized group (13-15) of Senior Citizens gathered outfronnt of the Porn Shop Entrance. Once We got to the edge of the Porn Shop’s tiny front parking lot We couldn’t believe what We had come across. The Senior Citizen’s were a all female Neighborhood Church Group protesting the Porn Shop in a growing intensity. They were waving signs saying shit like “Sex is for Procreation NOT Recreation”, and shouting “Hell No The Smut Must Go!” while waving their hands in the air.

We stood there smoking cigarettes watching this drama unfold. Finally it was getting old and We were about to go back to the car when the shit hit the fan. 3-4 of the Little Old Ladies bum rushed into the Porn Shop. A minute or so later one of the Little Old Ladies came out and held the entrance door wide open. The next thing anyone knows Sex Toys and Porno Movie DVDs come flying out the door and rain down in the parking lot. This really riled up the other Little Old Ladies into a Senior Insanity driven Frenzy as they started shouting encouragement to the “In Store Invaders” as it were. There’s nothing as absurdly entertaining as watching one Little Old Lady throw a Neon Pink Double Headed Dildo out of a Porn Shop while another Little Old Lady Shouts “Sex Toys are for SINNERS!” or a Little Old Lady picking up a Inflatable fuck doll (that happens to be a fucking Alien, it was like 6’4″, Black Almond Shaped Alien Eyes, “Total Recall” Tits (3), and Purple) and waving it wildly around screaming “Alien Sex Dolls are an Abomination !!!”

 

At last the Police Showed up to disband the Senior’s and We took off post haste as We hated Cops and were Holding a Variety of Substances in our car. To this day I can close my eyes and see the entire ordeal which still makes me laugh my cinical ass off every time without fail my friends.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober