The Violent World of Death Match Wrestling

I have Fell in Love with Hardcore Extreme Wrestling One Fateful Day when I stubbed across an ECW (Extreme Championship Wrestling) Barbwire Match Featuring Hardcore Icon Terry Funk versus The Homicidal, Suicidal, Genocidal Sabu. It was like nothing I had ever seen but with the Blood and Violence along with a Frenzied Philly Audience chanting things like “Fuck Him Up!” or “WE WANT BLOOD!” had Me Hook line and Sinker.

            

This Match is Legendary because during the match Sabu accidentally Split Open the Inside of His Left Bicep. Instead of Stopping the Match and seeking immediate Medical Attention Sabu had His Manager Bill Alfonso fetch Him a Roll of Medical/Athletic Tape. Sabu then wrapped Up His Bicep and continued to Wrestle until the End of the Match some 22 minutes or so after the Injury. In Fact Sabu Won by tying Tery Funk to a Table using Barbed Wire, wrapping Barb Wire around His Mid Section, and then Sabu put Funk Through the Table. As soon as the Sabu pinned Funk a Small Team of Crew Member wearing Protective Gloves ran out armed with Wire Cutters and proceeded to cut the Two Wrestlers Free which took Quite a While.

           

Until that Day the Only Wrestling I was familiar with was the Dueling Spandex Soap Opera Promotions/Federations WWF (Now WWE) and Their long time Rival the Now Defunct WCW (World Championship Wrestling). Now I was watching Wrestlers that looked like Real Life Bad Asses They weren’t all 6′ 5″ with Bulging Muscles clad in Horrendous Spandex sporting Long Hair. ECW was Nothing Hollywood it was Rough, Raw, and Totally Original.

ECW oped the Door of Extreme Wrestling Spawning Many Imitators most Notably The West Coast’s XPW (Xtreme Professional Wrestling) which is No Longer in Existence. Tragically ECW’s Days Were Numbered and Eventually after a Massively Successful Run Exposing America to Extreme Hardcore Wrestling facing Bankruptcy was Purchased By Sack of Shit Vince Mcmahon who’s first Action was to Dissolve the Company and fire the Entire Roster Almost. The ECW Talent Vince Kept were Under Utilized, Marginalized, and General treated like fucking Trash until They left or were Fired.

Luckily for Extreme Hardcore Wrestling Fans the Void was filled by New Jersey’s Own Combat Wrestling Zone (CZW) founded, owned, and Operated by John Zandig until He retired do to the Massive Amounts of Abuse HIs Body had taken over the Years (For Example: During a match Zandig jumped off a fucking 30 Foot Ladder resulting in a Compound Fracture, thats the one where the Broken Bone protrudes through the Skin for all to see.)

Zandig took the Ball from where ECW left off before its Untimely Demise, and ran with it like a motherfucker taking Hardcore Extreme to New Levels of Violence. Zandig coined the term for His New Band calling it “Ultra Violent” Wrestling. Zandig wasn’t just the Founder, Original Owner, and Original Operator He was also a featured Wrestler who participated in some of the Most Outrageously Violent Matches in CZW History.

 

Zandig was also a Very Intelligent Business Man as well as one Hell of a Wrestler in His own Wrestling Company He knew at the Time being an Indie Promotion was Harder than ever. The WWE had bought out WCW which is the equivalent of Coke ending its Rivalry with Pepsi by Buying The Pepsi Corporation, and ECW the Extreme Hardcore Pioneers had also fallen Victim to the relentless WWE. So Zandig started Inter Federation Promotions with Other Indie Companies starting Rivalries and Feuds between the Different Rosters. This allowed Wrestlers from outside Promotions to come and complete in CZW and Visa Versa.

Also to His credit Zandig spent a good portion of His Wrestling Career Wrestling in Japan primarily in/with Big Japan Pro Wrestling Company where He was Introduced to the Most Brutal and Bloody form of Wrestling: THE DEATH MATCH. Zandig saw the appeal of Death Match Wrestling with American Audiences, and introduced American Wrestling Fans to Death Match Wrestling.

Zandig even set up 2 Special Yearly Death Match Wrestling Specific Events the First was the Annual CZW’s CAGE OF DEATH Tournament and KING OF THE DEATH MATCH Tournament which became HUGE Hits with Hardcore Wrestling Fans.

          

CZW’s Death Match Weapons Include, But are NOT Limited to: Steel Folding Chairs, Tables, Ladders of Varying Size, Thumb Tacks, Florescent Light Tubes, Panes of Glass, Staple Gun (to prove its real Wrestlers will Staple a Dollar to Their Opponents Cheek, Lip, Tongue, or Forehead), Gas Powered Weed Whacker, Battery Powered Jig Saw, Large Syringes (to Prove They are Real Wrestlers stick them through Their Opponents  Cheek or Lip and then Squirt out Saline), Barb Wire, Metal Garbage Cans, Stop Signs, Kendo Sticks, Wooden Food Skewers, Salt (to pour on or in Opponents Open Wounds), Barb Wire Baseball Bats (a Baseball bat with an Excessive Amount of Bar Wire Wrapped around it), Flaming Tables, and even have a “Fans Bring The Weapons” Matches which Allows to Fans to use the Same or Similar Materials to construct a Weapon to be used in the Match (Obviously Nothing Inherently Fatal)

            

Its NO SECRET I am a Huge fucking Fan of the Viceland Channel and when They announced They would be doing a Series focusing on Different Forms of Wrestling from Around the World I was Ecstatic to say the Least. Vice’s Reporting is Original, Intelligent, In-Depth, and Extremely Well Done (No Pun Intended) thus I assembled the Following 3 Vice Death Match Videos. Enjoy.

Hope You Enjoyed The Trip Down the Bloody Ultra-Violent Hardcore Death Match Wrestling Rabbit Hole to Hell.

  Presented By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (26/365)

As it turned out The Dueling Ted Nugents clashing in a Inflatable Kiddie Pool filled with Spam turned out to be quite Anticlimactic. As instead of flat out Brawling the Two Teds were having a choreographed Fight which looked to be a Hybrid of Professional Wrestling and Kung Fu. To make it suck even worse They were fighting in a Slow Motion Matrix Style Rip Off.

Lee couldn’t tolerate the Slow Motion Slaughterfest in Spam a moment longer so He opted to take a leak. Lee descended the Stair case back into the Dismal Lobby where He searched for the Restroom Door. Lee located it at last over on the Far Wall past the crappy Concession Stand.

        

Once Lee reached the Restroom Door He pushed it open only to discover it didn’t lead to an actual Bathroom, But to the Cramped Trash Packed Ally  next to the Theater. Lee figured when in Rome (or an Ally in Rome in this Case), and walked over to the nearest Dumpster. Lee was being extremely cautious no to step on any of the Garbage that was strewn about the Ally. The last fucking thing Lee needed was to catch Hepatitis or Herpies in addition to witnessing this ridiculous Performance Art absurdity.

Lee went back into the Theater and returned to His seat. Once seated Lee noticed the Two Teds had vacated the Stage, and the Next Act was now on Stage. Thank fuck thought Lee taking a piss had been the perfect way to avoid anymore Spam induced Shit. On Stage there was a Man who looked to be in His fifties suffering from a classic case of Male Pattern Baldness leaving His remaining hair looking like a Common Clown Wig.

        

He was Shirtless and Lee was truly dumbfounded by how much fucking Body Hair this Guy had. There was so much hair that it looked to Lee like this Guy had missed a step or two in the Evolutionary Process. Serious Lee thought this Guy must be the Subject of a ton of Bigfoot Sightings, and the Unknowing Star of hundreds of Sensational Bigfoot Captured on Film Videos. Lee figured that a real live Specimen of a Bigfoot is essentially a Cryptozoologist’s Wet Dream come True.

The Man who too Lee’s disappointment was wearing a pair of Kaki Slacks instead of say Shorts or possibly a swim suit who fucking knew in a Venue like this One Lee found Himself in currently. The Man on Stage also had on a Pair of Black Dress Shoes so Lee couldn’t see how Big win fact this dudes feet were, and couldn’t help wondering if the Black Shoes were intentional to hide perhaps this Guys Big Feet?!

      

The an went over to the Side of the Stage to retrieve a couple of Saw Horses, a 2 by 4, a 5 pound Hand Held Sledge Hammer, and a Nail that honestly could have been a fucking Railroad Tie. The Man set up the Saw Horses about 4 feet apart and then He places the 2 by 4 across them like a Balance Beam. The Man then took the Nail and Put it in His mouth Sideways Biting  Down on it Gingerly. He perched the Hammer balancing it precariously at the far right end of the 2 by 4.

Once the Performer Guy had his Set Up as situated He nonchalantly took His pants off folding them delicately before placing them at His feet. Again to Lee’s dismay The Guy managed to remove His pants OVER his Shoes depriving Lee of yet another curious glance at the size of His feet.

        

The Man then pulled His Boxer Shorts down to His ankles in one fluid motion, Stood Up, Plopped His Flaccid Penis onto the 2 by 4 in front of Him, Took the Nail out of His Mouth with His left Hand, Picked up the Hammer with the Right, and the Blurted out “I GIVE YOU…THE CIRCUMCISION OF CHRIST.” before holding up both the Hammer and Nail in outstretched Arms in a Crucifix Pose.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrows Harrowing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (27/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

The Theater of the Absurd: The 4 Cornered Circle

Ladies and Gentalmen for ONE NIGHT ONLY Little People Enterprises presents:

The Federation 3 Way Dance!!!

XDW (Xtreme Dwarf Wrestling)

vs.

HMW (Hardcore Midgit Wrestling)

vs.

PWA (Pygmy Wrestling Alliance)

Come and Join us IF YOU DARE for a Night that will live in INFAMY as

Ying&Yang The Sumo Wrestling Brothers from Asian eXtreme Wrestling

take on NO OTHER THAN America’s LPW Tag Team Champs,

The Munchkins of Madness (Killer Klebba and Coleman Cox)

for the FIRST TIME EVER in LPW a C4 EXPLODING RING OF DEATH!!!

When The Bell Rings BLOOD, GUTS, AND BUTTS WILL BE EVERYWHERE!!!

You’ll Also Will See

The Henchmen Nick & Knack vs. Rappaport’s Revenge

in a FLAMING FUCKING TABLES CAGE OF DEATH MATCH!

COMPLETE WITH TUBS OF ALIVE AND LIVID ELECTRIC EELS!!

The Tag Teams Crotch Shot vs. The Disciples of Dinklage in a

KING OF KINK BARBWIRE DILDO LOSER LEAVES TOWN PRO WRESTLING PORN MATCH!!!

4 FOOT LONG SOLID LATEX DILDOS  WEIGHING IN AT 5.5 POUNDS WRAPPED IN GRADE A TEXAS BARBWIRE!!

Half Pint vs. Knee High

in an EXTREME STEP LADDER MATCH for the fucking XDW Micro Weight Championship Belt!

Tom “Fucking” Thumb vs. The Tiny Terror Known only as WARWICK

in a 20,000 THUMBTACK – 1,000 LIGHT TUBE

DOUBLE HEADER OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION for the

HMW Hardcore Tag Team Titles!! THERE WILL BE BLOOD! EMTs ONSITE!

THEN THE MANIACAL MAIN EVENT: THE OOMPA LOOMPA APOCALYPSE!

7 Way match for the PWA Intercontinental Belt featuring:

Will “Badass” Barty, Bollocks O’Hare, Lil Omen, Rumpelstiltskin,

Mini Man, Sean Shorty, and D-Veto compete in a

FANS BRING THE WEAPONS MATCH “I QUIT” MATCH!!

Fans Bring an ARSENAL OF IMAGINATIONS Brought to Life to inflict PAIN!

THERE IS NO PIN, NO COUNT OUT, NO TAP OUT!

The Only Way To End The Agony is to SURRENDER and say “I QUIT!”

This Night of Inter-promotional Independent is NOT for the FAINT OF HEART OR WEAK OF STOMACH!!

Come SEE THE SHOW BANNED IN 49 STATES for Excessive Violence and Bloodshed!!!

There will be BLOOD, BROKEN BONES, BRAIN DAMAGE, BEER, and BRUTALITY in ABUNDANCE!

THIS ISN’T WRESTLING, IT’S A FUCKING WAR!!!!

BYOB/BYOD

MUST BE 21 WITH VALID ID TO ENTER.

 By Les Then Sober Productions..