Tag: Proctologist

Texting In The Eye of The Shiticane

Once again I find myself having to Apologize. Repeatedly in Our continuing attempt to raise f-yourblog.com up to its full potential have suffered another self induced delay. Well what can We say other than We fucked up, BUT We are working diligently to defuckulate the situation.

As it were We had f-yourblog.com had the offer of a lifetime so passing on it wasn’t even considered and option. Thus We have been away somewhere across The Pond for the last 10 days being Spoiled like motherfuckers. I’ll leave it at that for now as it will be covered in a Piece to be posted in the immediate future.

As soon as I was Stateside I texted SpaceDog and preceded to have yet another of Our Legendary Texting Sessions, and This One Made The Cut.

So without further ado I give you TEXTING IN THE EYE OF THE SHITICANE:

SpaceDog: Oh Shit were u in Italy? I think that’s where u told me u were going at one point. Oh you missed it a 120 minute trump shitshow press conference. Highlights include him saying Democrats are gonna dig up dirt on george washington and that the world at the UN was laughing with him not at him (complete with nonsensical 10 minute explanation)

Les: Yeah We were in Tuscany. 120 minute trump conference…did Hell freeze over while I was gone?! Did hear trump got his fat orange ass laughed outnof the UN LMFAO!!! So officially the entire fucking world is mocking the shit out of trump while laughing right in his fucking face!!!

SpaceDog: Fuck u diane lane. I mean nice. Nah he was talking a lot of crazy all week cuz the UN came to NY.

Les: We should lock the White House down like a CDC Drill, pump it full of MDMA through the AC Vents and let the GOPieces of Shit rape the shit out of each other to death. Problem Solved.  MDMA or Flakka Smoke. MDMA is too good for those fuckers! BATH SALTS IT IS!! That way the scumfuckers can eat each others faces while violently raping each other’s orifices beyond Surgical Reconstruction. LMMFAO

SpaceDog: Yeah bath salts. Maybe flake for trump so he’s also disfigured as he’s getting eaten. OK I’ve taken matters into my own hands.

Les: Seriously who the fuck goes to Medical School and decides to be a fucking Proctologist or Urologist?! I mean its the actual shittiest/ pissiest job of fucking medical Professionals?!!

SpaceDog: I’ve been deleting games and quitting games from my phone and computer so far taking me 2 hours. Trying to give all my shit away so i have no desire to fucking play.

Les: Someone’s parents happy about that? Like do they go to cocktail parties and brag their asses off about their wonderful son The Rectologist Ass Doctor OR do they just leave the Ass Doctor part out and just refer to their kid as Doctor?! DAMN.

SpaceDog: IDK maybe someone that likes seeing a lot of dick, but idk its not like u are seeing good dick. I mean i guess u are comparing best case scenario for dick and all i guess.

Les: That’s dedication to the cause. 2 hours of deleting shit?! You sure you don’t work for the government? LOL!

SpaceDog: Like maybe one day u see someone 60 and say we;; I’m glad my balls may only sag a little bit and do not touch my knees. Yeah hillary had me delete some emails. It was mainly 90 minutes in one game mindlessly donating tokens.

Les: DICK WARS on FOX this Fall!

SpaceDog: Then finding  all the games in hidden places on my computer like a 14 year old with porn magazines or a guy trying to hide booze from the wife.

Les: So what finally made you want to get out of gaming? At 60 I’m tucking my testicles into my knee socks.

SpaceDog: Because I’ve been doing it 10-12 hours a day for 6 years.

Les: 90 minutes thats kinda hardcore.

SpaceDog: I keep going to all kinds of anonymous meetings and they tell me its not a problem even though I’ve told 3 different sponsors (recent) and 11 in total over the course of my life.

Les: LMFAO! BOOZE! PORN MAGS!

SpaceDog: Makes me think if dammer ever went to AA or NA they would say “Well as long as you are not drinking and reading the big book I really don’t see any issue with you eating a few boys every once in awhile.

Les: I apologize I haven’t smoked in 9-10 days and my Wife got CHinses Food so I’m all fucking over the fucking fuck

SpaceDog: No ganja in Tuscany? Haha i had Chinese today i think the greasy ass egg roll threw me into a rage.

Les: I looked into where you can get it and like America either you know a fucking guy or find a guy that knows a fucking guy. They said students and places with a younger demographic areas were where to look. That though is just painfully fucking obvious. Italy does sell legal “Marijuana Light” called so because of its fucking low ass THC level.

SpaceDog: The O’douls of Reefer

Les: Bullseye!

SpaceDog: I guess Amsterdam or Portugal would be better, actually even Canada is better.

Les: Its low as fuck all compared to the killer shit America is growing now a days and shit. People called it “fake weed” and complained about it giving them headaches and shit.

SpaceDog: I mean the cheapest legal place is Uruguay but I’d be scarred I’d get abducted there. Yeah if its from a machine its bound to be crap.

Les: Yeah I do love weed but not even I am going fucking anywhere near Africa, fucking everything in Africa fucking kills you. There was a store that was faker than fuck called CANNABIS that I looked into after hearing a ton of people shit talking it. Everything says Marijuana on it BUT ITS CBD ONLY, no THC whatsofuckingever. Its a classic fucking bait and switch false advertising scam.

SpaceDog: Uruguay is in South Africa but Africa yeah 1000 x’s over i don’t wanna go there. Maybe Casablanca if i can go back in time to when the movie was made or ancient Egypt but fuck current Africa. Oh whoopee do LOL! Thought i did almost buy gummies with CBD and melatonin but the dude wanted $30.

Les: Its all derived from the same fucking plant, but these cunters where misleading people by making them think they’d get a buzz, but it was just CBD your not getting Amsterdam Merch Here.

SpaceDog: Oh yeah so i may be quitting beer specifically because that entitled douchbag supreme said he really liked beer 15-20 x’s during his hearing. Maybe i will start the red wine. That’s the only booze i projectile vomit. That’s always fun.

Les: Kavanaugh is a complete CUNT, that fuck is getting raped by Hitler in Hell the fucking piece of living breathing fucking shit. CASTRATE KAVANAUGH! Cut his rotten cock off. AND NOW the rancid pecker fucker ruined BEER?!! GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. Is there any fucking thing Trump and his GOPieces of Shit don’t fucking shit all over for fucking fucks sake. Waterboard that Supreme Court Cunt with Natty ICE till he’s fucking deader than dead the asshole deserves it. Well if you gotta vomit projectile is the best way to go I believe.

SpaceDog: All things projectile is better except when you jazz past your face and have no idea where the wad landed.

Les: Who the fuck green lit Murphy fucking Brown 2018?! How the fuck is Candice Bergeron not dead as fuck?!

SpaceDog: Out of all the reboots (including Fuller House) it is by far the worst.

Les: Thats why I where a face mask when I jerk off.

SpaceDog: I fell asleep 3 different nights trying to watch.

Les: Yeah but unlike typically rebooted shit their continuing it like it never went off the air or some fuckshit, I mean Candice looks like a blonde Liza Minelli. Botox Bombed out Blound. I guess 45 to 50 fucking facelifts at least, and she still is older than fuck, and not that mush better looking in spite of the gross amount of Plastic Surgery. No one remembers that fucking show so in the end who fucking cares?! LMMFBO!

SpaceDog: They should remake this horrible show. Watch “Dangerous Women TV Show Intro” on Youtube. I vaguely remember my parents watching it and it not being very funny. Not the women murphy brown not so funny.

Les: Yeah it was all political as shit. “The Series Return” that’s how fuck me Fox is billing this Bullshattery.

SpaceDog: Only one I’m honestly glad returned from the dead is Will and Grace since no one seems to be in much of a hurry to do it. Christ sometimes i think I’m gonna have to do it myself. Though that Australian show with the gay guy was good. The Stuff nightmares are made of. It’s like they sewed together the faces of all the dead Golden Girls to remake hers.

Les: I think bringing back Will and Grace would definitely be interesting shit. TV has become boring as shit. I’d especially like to see it comeback under your direction. That be entertaining.

SpaceDog: Its been back gonna be year 2 this year.

Les: What Australian Show was that?! I must have missed that one? Getting older is a shit reason for being absent minded. What Really?! Dear fucking Christ on a cocking where the fuck have I been? Oh wait living under a fucking rock apparently.

SpaceDog: Please Like Me…..i think it’s on HULU. The main guy is gay but thats mostly it besides the guys he dates. It was on the networks on some weird channel i never heard of that got axed.

Les: Cool I just scored my Brother’s HULU password so GAME FUCKING ON!

SpaceDog: Do u use IMDB? If i sign up for an account, do you know if i can get alerted to when actors/actresses have new projects coming out? Like how Spotify tells me about albums and concerts.

Les: Sounds like one of those shows ahead of its time and shit so at the time the general moronic public couldn’t understand it and it met an untimely demise.

SpaceDog: Yeah its pretty fucking dark sarcasm humor not all daisies and bullcrap.

Les: I’m not even sure I can recollect what the hell IMDB is, I’m the Technology Anti-Christ or some shit.

SpaceDog: Internet movie database

Les: Dark Sarcasm I’m in.

SpaceDog: I see one hot guy in one movie and i cyberstalk everything they’ve been in.

Les: I really wish I knew of this database much fucking sooner.

SpaceDog: And drunk tweet them and shame delete in the morning.

Les: LMFBO! Shame Delete!!

SpaceDog: I just assumed everyone knew. I’ve been on the internet since AOL.

Les: Think we have all but been there. I’m a Techtard. I’m always having to fucking catch the hell up LMTB!

SpaceDog: The biggest “celeb” that responded was the sprint/Verizon guy. Can u hear me now? Trump would say thats bigly sad.

Les: That be trump for you that fat orange fucktard, that baby dick having bitch boy, could he want to fuck his daughter any more?!! The fat filthy son of a bitch scumfucking scumfucked scumfucker scumfuck! ORANGE WANK MAGGOT! I can’t WAIT to shit on Trump’s fucking grave. I’m talking downing Exlax like Beer before hand and a German Industrial Institutional Grade Enema on Site.

+I sent SpaceDog one of those Personalized Emojis that fucking look like you. It’s one of the really fucking random shit that just appears from time to time. Its Me holding the 50 pound Shit Emoji thats as big as my Avatars fucking head. And not only does the Shit Emoji have the classic Smile and Wide Eyes but this one has a bright pink ribbon on top. My avatars head is slightly tilted with a slight smile that makes me look like a fucking sociopath.+

Les: WTF is this emoji for?! I had to wait a fuck long time for an opening anyfuckingwhere to use this absurd fucking thing.

SpaceDog: Idk 1) when i tell you that may fiber is working? 2) I just gave someone Benefiber recently maybe then? 3) can’t wait to shit on your face 40 text it to the Wife immediately before you give her a Dutch Oven.

Les: It looks like I came to your house, rang your fucking doorbell, and then presented you with a 50 pound pile of shit emoji like some fucking welcome to the neighborhood type shit cake or perhaps its a congratulatory “Its a Girl” new born baby gift?! Or just plain old pile of shit thats as big as my fucking head with a bow on the bitch to make it what a fucking present?! IT FUCKING DOESN’T ADD UP BABYCAKES! #3 Winner Winner Chicken Dinner! Second Place #4.

SPaceDog: Third place i shit so hard your toilet is clogged u need a plumber. They need a guy with his asscrack showing emoji.

Around this Time Gorged on Opulent amounts of Chinese Take Out, and High as a fucking Kite I fell the fuck asleep so sue me. And thus concludes this installment of Les and SpaceDog’s Textology.

 

By Les Sober & SpaceDog 

Canine Carnage: Looks Can Be Deceiving

About 12 years ago I was working as a Veterinary Technician (Vet Tech for short) at Eccentric Animal Hospital run by Dr. Eccentric. It was business as usual as Dr. E saw routine morning appointments. The 11:30 appointment was for a dog who had been excessively dragging its ass across the owners pricy carpet and was increasing obsessed with it’s butt. When the dog showed up for its appointment it turned out to be a very friendly and affectionate ( I’m talking Disney cartoon level cute till you puke here) 5 year old,67 pound male Golden Retriever named Tucker who was not neutered. Tucker’s owner was a rather pleasant middle aged woman named Ditsy who was a bit mentally out to lunch.

I escorted Mrs. Ditsy along with Tucker into one of the exam room where Ditsy filled out the new client paperwork, and I took Tucker to get weighed. Now the layout of the exam room is key. There was the first door leading from the waiting room into the exam rom, and a second located at the back that lead to the Lab, Surgical prep, Xray,Surgery room etc. The room’s measurements are approximately 8 feet long and 5 feet wide I know that sounds more like prison cell then an exam room, but checkout your veterinarian’s exam rooms for comparison purposes. The middle of the room had a 3 1/2 foot examination table protruding from wall that was around 4 feet in height. This made a for very close quarters when with a dog that size the owners’s sitting on the exam room bench, and the Doctor,dog, and I are on the small floor space in front of the owner (to say wiggle room was scarce would be a humungous understatement.)

After a basic once over Dr.E stated his primary diagnosis was a impacted anal gland. For those who aren’t in the know when it comes to anal glands they are 2 glands located just inside a dog’s rectum. The anal glands express the most foully vile smelling fluid (like the farts of SATAN)  If you have ever had the displeasure of not only smelling, but never forgetting that pungent oder you know what I mean. The reason for this is when your dog takes a crap and the feces is excreted past the anal glands it causes them to express( the putrid smelling) fluid that serves as a personal calling card. Now if the anal glands are impacted they can’t express the anal gland fluid which then build up like water behind a dam. If untreated the anal gland becomes extremely infected and will then rupture like a giant shit filled blister. In Tucker’s case it was so early in the game that if it was a impacted anal gland was the problem then it could be solved right away by manually expressing the blocked gland. Granted this is not a the most pleasant of problems to solve, and to the animal it feels like the equivalent of your Proctologist trying to pop a pimple inside your butt during a prostate exam if you will.

So with that said Dr.E and I got ready do to the deed. Dr.E put proceeded to put on the classic latex gloves, grabbed the tube of lube (because animals don’t need to be treated by animals.) and a couple sheets of paper towel to catch the expressed anal gland fluid. Tucker was facing towards the wall with his rear facing the exam table directly behind him so I squatted down on the balls of my feet and placed my left arm around his neck and my right arm around his waist to properly restraint him. I’m well aware that this restraint technique looks like a combo of a wrestling move and an MMA choke out hold, but I assure you it all serves a purpose. If you control the head you control the body and to help control the body you have one arm secured around the animals waist. As soon as Dr. E took a knee behind Tucker I felt Tucker tense up and then become absolutely rigged as if he was flexing ever muscle in his body simultaneously. I knew things were getting off to a potential dangerous start then Dr. E touched Tucker’s rectum, and Tucker royally up and lost his shit as fast as a starter’s pistol and the clash of carnage was on. I knew I couldn’t escape out the 1st door into the waiting room because it was behind me, and even if I did reach it I’d have to open and close it allowing more time to get injured. When I knew I couldn’t restrain Tucker any longer I announced that I had to let go, waited for Dr.E to back off to safety, eyed the owner and let go. At this point Tucker was growling loudly and aggressively while showing his teeth all which means a high risk of attack.

As I was releasing my hold on Tucker I shifted my weight so I had a strait shot out the 2nd door into the Lab/Surgical area, and not only that the 2nd door was a sliding pocket door which as even open at the time. Now as I started to stand up Tucker swung his head wildly to his left in a violent U-turn type motion just in time to severely bite at my left ear. Now I say “Bite at” because Tucker didn’t move quite as fast as me he couldn’t bite down directly on my ear. What did happen was his Canines caught my outter ear. TO CLARIFY what you think is your ear is actually called THE AURICLE and the VESTIBULE (depressed part of you outer ear directly outside the ear canal. As Tucker was closing his mouth his aforementioned canines (upper and lower) tore the top of my inner and ripped it down so it looked like a theater curtain that had fallen to expose the bare cartilage wall behind it. Once I was upright I strode out the 2nd door slamming it behind me. I remember just standing there while stating in a raised voice just under a yell “My fucking ear, he bit my fucking ear now I’m bleeding all over myself.” As you can imagine my heart was POUNDING as the adrenaline surged through my veins like 100,000 volts of electricity being that head wound in general bleed like a son of a bitch my ear was no exception. I could hear the owner Mrs. Ditsy asking repeatedly if I was alright and was extremely concerned I’l give her that, but I was aggravated as all get out and tuned her out.

Well the receptionist got a photocopy of her driver’s license before Mrs. Ditsy took Tucker home. Since that had been the last appointment of the morning there was time to figure out what the hell to do next.  I hate hospital’s and I hate emergency rooms even more as I think they both are essentially EXPLOIT PATIENTS FOR PROFIT institutions. So in spite of having rather good health insurance I wasn’t going to an ER hell or high water. Dr.E volunteered his services as he could do exactly the same thing the ER would do, but Dr. E would do it absolutely free where its a $900 ER bill for literally walking in the door (which automatically starts your bill at $900. ) I agreed and Dr.E numbed up my ear with Lidocaine and simply stitched my ear back into one singular piece. I then called my mother because it occurred to me I hadn’t a clue when I had my last Tetanus shot, and good thing I called because it turned out my last Tetanus shot was 10 years in the past so I went with my Wife to the local MD Now walk in medical clinic and told them I had been bitten by a dog while at work, and I would thus be needing a well over due Tetanus shot. I noticed that after the informing them I was first and foremost bitten on the ear by a dog (I  explained I worked as a Vet Tech and it was an owned animal code for rabies shot is current) the front desk personel where staring intently at my ear until realizing I wasn’t bleeding because I had stitches in my ear. So of course out of curiosity and a bit of concern they repeatedly and excessively asked who in fact had stitched up my ear for me. I was aware that in Canada if a Veterinarian works on a human they lose their vet license, are heavily fined and possibly could face some jail time. If I’m anything I’m insanely loyal (I say insane because even loyalty can be too much of a good thing if shit gets out of hand) I finally answered them and all I said was “a friend” helped me out. Several other staff members asked me the same question over and over again (sometimes they would just reword the question before asking it for the thousandth time) and all I would say every single time without fail was a friend helped me out and stitched me up.

NOTE TO READER: If your thinking how in a (fully staffed )professional medical clinic no one there could piece it together? I told them I got bitten at work. I also told them I’m a veterinary technician.  I told them I work for a Veterinarian in his Animal Hospital. Yet NO ONE could figure out the blatantly obvious that the Veterinarian was the one who did the stitched me up. CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT INSANE. Its just the god’s honest truth, no one there could put it all together. Its like the most fucked up game of Clue ever.