I was 13 years old and it was the beginning of Summer Vacation. The first 2 weeks went splendidly as all I did was fuck off with friends all day, and cause minor trouble as our Town was boring as shit. Then one random morning I woke up with what felt like the worst cramp of my life in my lower left side. In addition I was nauseous as all get out as the pain increased to the point I walked virtually bent over at the waist. After a couple of days of this my Parents took me to our family Doctor. It took him less than 30 seconds to double check his almost instant diagnosis, and then informed us it was Appendicitis that would require immediate treatment. So instead of heading off to camp the next day I headed off the the local Hospital.
Now Appendicitis (along with Tonsillitis) are the two easiest fucking things not only for a Doctor to Diagnose its equally as easy for a Surgeon to remedy through simple Surgery. As one might imagine it plays out as your sick, you go to doctor, doctor makes his/her diagnosis, go strait to the nearest Hospital, get Admitted, and then immediate Surgery. This is specially important for Appendicitis as the longer it goes untreated the higher the risk it could rupture causing Secondary Infection(s) a real bitch.
Well thats not quite how it went with me thats for fucking sure. The first part went normally until I arrived at the Hospital as shit went down hill from there rather quickly. Now once I was admitted in stead of preforming the needed immediate (not quite an emergency but pretty damn close) Surgery they did the exact opposite they waited. They waited for the sole fucking reason of using me as a case example for the small Army of Interns. The next 36 or so hours Doctors came in and poked and prodded the shit out of me in-between marching in groups of 6-10 Medical Students/Interns?Residents.
Nothing like lying in the Hospital as your Summer Vacation rots away, but to be treated like a fucking Lab Animal was the worst of it all. Doctor’s are such disconnected Cunts, they really are. Doctor’s have no what they call Bedside Manner, and Bedside Manner translates to Talking/Treating the Patient like a human not a project. So all these Medical Motherfucker’s keep parading in apparently whenever the fuck they felt like it.
Finally they preformed the Surgery or Appendectomy, and shit went back to normal as far as protocol was concerned. I hung out post Opp for a day or so and the Hospital Released Me. Once again I settled into a regular Summer Routine until one day I woke up sick as a dog. I a fever, Cold Sweats, Nausa, Diarrhea, No Appetite, and all that Super fucking Flu symptomatic shit. Again after several days it became apparent this wasn’t a cold, flu or food poisoning and I went back to the Doctor. He couldn’t tell us the root cause, but he did strongly advise taking me back to the Hospital and my parents did.
Long story Shorter I was readmitted, examined, and tested. The Doctor’s came to the conclusion that (and this is the only fucking way we found out this even happened as in They never said shit about it) because my Appendix had in fact Burst that there were 2 pockets of Infectious Puss lingering around the Surgical site like two Sepsis Clouds. The Doctor’s next task was to locate the pockets of infection, and then administer proper treatment due on location alone.
Long story shorter I had to go through 2 additional Surgical Procedures to actually drain the infections. Now of these 2 Procedures I’m only going to take the time to address is the first of the two. This is how it all went down. One of the Diagnostic Tests was an MRI which located the pockets of infection in the first place. Now based on the MRI Results the Doctor’s opted to preform this fucked up little maneuver. This one must remember was in the days LONG before Twilight Anesthesia was even considered. In spite of lacking the current anesthetic options of today came over to me (I’m shirtless and still laying prone on the MRI Machine arms stretched above head) and inform me their going to attempt to drain one of the pockets of infection right then and there. Their reasoning was that it was very close to “the skin” if by that you mean under all 5 layers of skin and then the subsequent muscle. They then I shit you not hit me with 17-21 shots of Novocaine in my abdomen as Anesthetic.
Then this little feeble wobble of a man came out of the control room and over to me. This guy looking like a goddamn 5th grade Science teacher mustache, Bowtie, and all. This douche informs me that he is going to take a very thin needle (about 2 feet long I shit you not) and then jam it into my abdomen. From there he is going to manual suck out the puss and shit with a large syringe attached to the other end of the motherfucking needle.
Things didn’t start well as the Fat Fuck stabbed me and fucking missed the Soft Ball sized pocket of infection in spite of being able to see exactly where the fuck it was. Once we withdrew the needle he had to insure there was no internal bleeding by pushing down with all his might (not to mention body weight) on the injection site. He then manages to finally after over a fucking hour of this horse shit torture got the job essentially done. To this day if I ever see this Guy on the street I’m going to stab him repeatedly in his fucking fat little face with a rusty Screw Driver, Just Saying.
With the pockets of infection drained I spent a few more days on intravenous Antibiotics, and then sent on my way once again. Summer was back on track for the next 3 weeks anyway. See this is where shit gets really weird. I woke up one day exhibiting the exact same symptoms of Appendicitis though my Appendix for all incentive purposes had been Surgically removed over a month ago at this point. Needless to say I was off to and readmitted to the Hospital. I honestly have no fucking clue why my parents would take me back to that Shithole Hospital for a 3rd time, but I digress under protest.
Long story shorter the Doctor’s spent days subjecting me to what turned out to be every test in the fucking book to No Avail. The Doctor’s were perplexed as they to couldn’t figure out how a surgically removed Appendix could affect someone with a classic example of Appendicitis. After toiling away with machines and men in the Lab they were no closer to finding the reason. Exasperated and exhausted the Doctor’s came to talk to us about what the fuck to do. The Doctor’s started by stating the now obvious that regardless of all the fucking tests, everything for all intensive purposes looked absolutely normal.
This left the Doctors with only one last option and that was to do an Exploratory. See Exploratory Surgery sounds all nice and fucking official with a hint of NASA to it, but here is what Exploratory Surgery is in Laymen’s terms. Exploratory Surgery means going more Medieval in Medical Methods. That is the Doctor’s can’t figure out why your sick so they actually cut you open, and literally poke around like a car mechanic under the hood of a car. Thats it, they slice you open to actually see if they can find shit out first hand since the million dollar machines produced shit as far as results.
What they found was truly intriguing. Since the Scumbags waited so long before operations that my Appendix had ruptured, and ruptured spectacularly (meaning huge amount of infectious collateral damage) that we all knew already. The Doctors went on to explain that the middle of my Appendix blew the fuck up when the Appendix ruptured, and when the Surgeon went in initially he removed the base or bottom part of the affected Appendix. Now what no one could have foreseen the Tip of the Infected Appendix broke off with a independent blood supply (not sure to this day exactly what the hell that means), and then slid down by my right Kidney. Once it reached my right Kidney it proceeded to hug up against it so tightly that on tests it just appeared to be part of the Kidney’s natural exterior.
The odd thing (at the time it didn’t compute with my parents) was my Parents were approached several times by various Doctors not associated with my case reassuring them the Hospital handled my case fine, and all this other shit was unavoidable. What that says to me is “We fucked up bad, but we don’t want to get the shit sued out of us so we’re backpedaling to save our asses with False Reassurances.
Any who for all the bullshit, time, and consequent suffering I did achieve one thing note worthy. On the Medical History for said Hospital I’m on the Books as the only Patient to have His Appendix out Twice.
Thanks for Reading,
Les Sober 
Presented by Les Sober 
