Tag: Recovery

Not the Friday I planned

I honestly have to say today was the toughest test on my sobriety in months. Despite no cravings. It gets weirder. I woke up feeling great, had some nice scrambled eggs for breakfast and had a good odd hour (odd hour being 3amish) chat with Les Sober.

Then all shit hit the fan. Mainly because I was trying to be a nice guy I decided to buy vitamins from my new doctors office to sorta show appreciation plus I wanted to take in the scenery on the drive to New Hope. It’s very wooded and hilly and quiet in Pennsylvania besides the cities.

So I took these digestzymes. One pill. Now I’ve been clean from alcohol about 10 months and heroin 18-19 years but I’m not big on dates, I’m bigger on burying the dead corpses of past behaviors I despise. My sobriety method is I feel if I turn around and reflect I will turn into a grain of salt like Lot’s wife in the bible. Anyway I’m glad I’m not a time traveller because honestly I would have travelled back with a shot of whiskey or rum and said don’t take that have this. But since I’m not a time traveller I did take the pill.

I happened to get a bit tired but didn’t think much of it. I threw a little cheese in my egg but even the slightest bit of cheese can make me fall asleep for 10-20 minutes. Woke up heart racing 30 minutes later.

This lasted for about 90 minutes or so and either ended by a few black olives or deep breathing. Probably the olives…. like I was never into martinis or booze with things on the rim, except margaritas. I always think it’s not fair there’s no salted non alcoholic drinks. Even if there were I’m milk, coffee, non tap water or die of thrist.

Anyway ended up calling this woman at the vitamin company who allegedly never heard of such a thing. I was too sick to call her out on her lie but you know what? Let’s just say the FDA is coming for her soon.

Nowhere on the actual bottle was there anything about papaya. Yet on some random literature that came with the bottle it was mentioned as part of their proprietary blend. It’s my fault I took the pill and didn’t ask more questions orginally. However I did find from my mother that papaya was the only food that made her throw up while pregnant was papaya of course.

It’s just hard for me to ask questions of others. I ramble on like a freight train. My ADHD doesn’t really allow me to focus on much and I try to read 8 books at once, all the while trying to learn chemistry, biology, chronobiology, nutrition, psychology literally 3 minutes at a time. I try and help others, not because I want to but feel it is almost my burden or calling.

I mean there is so so much I have to be grateful for. My family, my roof, ability to afford my WOE (way of eating) and a handful of really great friends.

I also have my instincts. (Except with sexy men but that’s too much ramble for one blog )

Honestly my first instinct was to not take this particular enzyme and return it when I saw papaya. This has also been my instinct for over 20 years when it comes to drinking. Honestly the only day it was my first instinct to drink in 20 years was the Eagles Super Bowl parade. I guess this is why I can’t stand AA with people constantly telling me my brain is broke or sloganing me to death. No asshole, honestly I’ve legit been drinking for digestive issues for nearly 25 years.

I’m just so glad the cravings only lasted for those 90 gut wrenching minutes. And completely disappeared afterwards. It may sound silly but 3 black olives sent me back to Earth. It’s a shame I can’t plant an olive tree in New Jersey.

WITHDRAWALS OF THE MISUNDERSTOOD PART 1

Hey Spacedog here….

It’s been a while. There was not going to originally be a post until next week but I just decided yesterday that enough was enough. What is it that I am coming off of you ask?

Well first off, my absence from here is mostly pandemic related. Out of all the billions of individuals in the world, I am probably in the top 1% of people with insane paranoid reactions. Eventually though I kinda grew to like it. I got to wear a mask so no one would know who I was. I didn’t have to worry if suddenly after 8 years of grand mal seizures today would be the day and I’d go straight into the Delaware River on my way to my doctor’s office. And I didn’t have to have any house guests! I became the Maybelline Girl. Maybe she’s born with it maybe it’s Maybelline! I was born for this.

Anyway….

So I’ve got to say I have been quite a bit off about one thing I have been telling people recently. My sobriety date from alcohol…. I really thought I drank this year. Nope the receipts clearly show November 17, 2019. Not that the difference between that and February 1st really matters much to me. All I know is the last 3 times I drank were rum, beer, and sparkling seltzer in that order.  The rum tasted stale so I ended up dumping 4 ozs of a 14 oz bottle. The beer I ended up having to just toss after 5 of 12 because frankly it made me feel beyond shitty. As for the sparkling seltzer it was surprisingly good but actually still made me feel awful afterwards. Most of these manifestations I describe above were physical.

I sorta just quit. I did not need any bells and whistles or pats on the back. I kinda just did it on my own and it was mine and mine alone. No one could brag about how wonderful of a person they were to get me sober (while doing meth on the side, thanks AA Sponsor #6) or how they were so vital to my recovery (Here looking at you Sponsor #4, enjoy the oxys). Frankly I just did not care anymore. I guess I’m at day 275 or 276 or something for those who are counting. Frankly I’m not…..

So what is it I am coming off of right now? It’s nothing sexy or dangerous like meth or heroin or molly or crack or coke. Just some plain old cigarettes and coffee.

I can honestly say I feel entirely better than I thought I would at this point. I am a master at coming off of drugs, but sadly I am a bit rusty. I feel between all the antidepressants, heroin (several times), alcohol, and mood stabilizers I have been in this moment at least 30 different occasions before.

This occasion is really mild. The heroin was the worst by far but only when I was snorting it. I honestly only even got minor withdrawal no matter how much I shot. Alcohol I had about 2 Leaving Las Vegas spells in my 20s, but not really any withdrawal other than that.

The anti-depressants quite honestly to me were the biggest joke as well as the hardest legal drugs I have ever had to come off of. Depakote, lithium, effexor, paxil, prozac, seroquil, serzone. A laundry list of harm to me. Suicidal, emotionless, too much fake joy, sexless, mania, and winner winner chicken dinner homicidal respectively.

I seriously called poison control when it came to the Serzone. I kept thinking of what kind of knives my neighbors had and what it would be like to use them. And my nails look like I applied a bright coat of dark pink nail polish.  P Control literally had no idea how to help me with what was going on. I called my friend Seth on the phone a few minutes later and he informed me he was on that garbage and to have some milk. A minute later my nails returned to normal, my thoughts came back shortly after.

Honestly coffee was going to be a battle for next week to give up but as I settled in on my couch at home I smelled the faint scent of flowers. It was mostly roses but maybe some lavender or lilac. I usually get this when my spirit guide is nearby. Anyway so I figured I’d just go to bed. At 6pm.

Then woke up at 130 and started writing this blog. I think I wholeheartedly can say that 1:30AM is a shitty ass time to wake up. I suppose this would be the absolute perfect time to wake up if I were say a rapist. Boom sober, boom bar, boom victim and whatever else rapey people do in between. Spray themselves down with the most vile of scents. I’m sure there are nice smelling rapists but frankly none of my rapists were Glade Scent Stories inspired. Obscure reference I know…. glade scent stories were this little thing that looked like a CD Walkman and you put the CD in and it would through a few scents per CD.

Physically though I’m feeling pretty good all things considered. I was highly disappointed that I was not able to pick out any online courses last evening but if my path is less than 24 hours off I really shouldn’t let myself worry too much. I really am not missing the cigarettes a whole lot especially without that stupid nicotine patch making my arm itch like crazy.

Coffee…. well I’ve just been trying to find any and all negative information. All I know is it comes from a plant and well I am inching oh so close to the Carnivore Diet or something similar. I still haven’t felt right since I juiced kale, zucchini, brocolli and lime. It tasted terrible. Rape victim of the jolly Green Giant terrible. Threw up 30 minutes later and passed out for 2.5 hours after.

So coffee….wheeeeee….. I probably should have tapered off down to 1 cup a day before I quit but I’m always up for a bigger challenge and a better suffering at this point.  I’ve been drinking 3-5 cups a day for a few weeks. All this self imposed lockdown, this suffering, this absence of bliss will pay off in spades one day I tell myself.

I just don’t want to be half sober. I feel all of these people out there in Alcoholics Anonymous and all these other recovery programs are the biggest bunch of hypocrites on the planet. They are following around a plan based on 80 years of complete horseshit and pseudoscience. I guess I get it though. Most people are too weak and broken to get better on their own. They never seek their answers within and only rely on outside counsel. They drink coffee like fish, chain smoke like the marlboro man, and eat some of the worst cookies on the planet. Like seriously maybe I hadn’t been to a meeting in a while, but Chips Ahoy?

I see most of these people now for what they truly are. A bunch of dry drunks going around who like to preach to others because it gives them a sense of self importance. My way or the highway they say.

The absolute funniest thing about these people is they will engage you in normal conversation until you mention that you are not in AA. It’s like I single-handedly broke the matrix somehow. Seriously far more people get sober when not in this archaic broken program. The effectiveness is probably somewhere between aspirin between the knees and self baptism in your favorite local polluted body of water. I guess I shouldn’t knock anyone though it’s just frustrating.

I was put on this Earth to help others and sometimes I think the only way I am going to be able to do it is lie my teeth off. Sure I can lie my teeth off if I meet you somewhere by random chance….. like if I needed to come up with a BS story for my Grubhub driver or a grocery store clerk. When it comes to write though I don’t have that luxury. It’s just not in my blood. Brutal honesty or no writing. Only two options here.

But the moral of the story is it is only day 2 and day 1. cigarettes and coffee. It would be nice to be able to honestly just listen in to an AA meeting but I know I am not welcome at any. Well of course I am just not one meeting in particular I went to drunk because my wonderful sponsor #3 thought that Tori Amos concerts were going to somehow involve me shooting meth and going to circuit parties.

man I pick the winners! I seriously hope I don’t pick a husband as poorly one day as these sponsors. My award-winning sponsor picking is literally on par with Larry King and his fantastic wife picking. (I have no idea who any of his wives are, but I just assume if that many people would willing marry someone he either has a giant penis or a giant bank account) .

Gotta pick courses now will post tomorrow if I am not dead already.

By Spacedog

Beth Thomas Documentary: Child of Rage (Child Sociopath)

Child of Rage is the 1992 CBS Television Documentary Film about the True Life Story of Six Year Old Beth Thomas. This Bone – Story Chilling with scenes that You WILL NEVER FORGET. The Documentary features Footage of Beth revealing to Her Therapist that She has Tortured Animals and Physically/Sexually Abused Her Younger Brother Eric.

Brief Synopsis:

Jill Tyler and Her Minister Husband Rob decided They wanted to Adopt not just One but Two Children from the American Foster System. In the End the Tylers Adopted Six Year Old Beth and Her Younger Brother Eric. Eric is a Sweet, Shy, and Timid, and it appeared at First that Beth shared the same behavioral Traits as Her Brother. It Turned out that was Not the Case Not by a Long Shot. Beth soon began to have Unexplained Outbursts of Violent Rage for No Apparent Reason whatsoever. In a Short Time Beth’s behavior Deteriorates and Incidents (with increasing Levels of Violence) Start Occurring with Greater Frequency the Tylers went looking for Answers.

The Tyler Approach Beth’s Social Worker Doris and ask Her about the Specifics of Beth’s case file that contains Her Past/Personal Information. Doris Declines to answer the Tyler’s Questions Citing Confidentiality Laws and leave it at that. Times goes by and Beth’s Behavior reaches a Level where Mr. Tyler actually wanted to Keep Eric and relinquish Beth back to the Foster Care System, but Mrs. Tyler refused to give up on Beth.

           

In an unforeseen turn of Events Doris contacts the Tylers and Confesses the Truth of Eric and Beth’s Personal History. Doris goes on to tell the Tyler’s She was Alerted by Phone of a Case of Child Abuse, and She went and Rescued the Children from an Abusive Home (which She admitted was One of the Worst She had Ever seen). When Doris went on to say when She arrived at the Home Eric was in Bad Shape, but Nothing compared to His Sister Beth who even Worse Shape. There were No Adults Present at the Time Doris Rescued the Children as Their Mother was in the Hospital with Pneumonia, and Their Alcoholic Father was off on a Drunken Bender. To top things off Doris informs the Tylers that Beth and Eric in fact have an Older Sister named Stephanie.

Doris along with Mr. Tyler track down Stephanie who a Bitter, Broken, and Damaged Young Lady who was currently working at a Topless Bar. The Story Stephanie told Them was the Stuff that Nightmare are Made of. Stephanie told The Horrible and Harrowing Tale of Sexual Abuse at the Hands of Her Incestuous Pedophile Father. Once Stephanie was Old enough to Fight Off Her Father’s Abuse He began to Abuse Beth who was only an Infant at the Time. Though Thanks to Doris’s Confession the Tylers had the Information They Wanted (and Needed) They still weren’t any closer to the Answer of How Could They or Anyone for that Matter Help Beth overcome Her Childhood Trauma. Its then that Doris suggests a Controversial Treatment for Beth known as Holding Therapy which is Practiced by the Author of the Book Kids who kill (which Mrs. Tyler thought Perfectly Described Beth) Dr. Rosemary Myers.

           

Dr. Myers Examines Beth who Lies in an attempt to Manipulate the Doctor into believing that in Reality there was Nothing at all Wrong. Meanwhile Dr. Myers isn’t convinced in the Least, and employees the Tactic of Reverse Psychology to get Beth to Admit to Her Violent Behavior and Acts of Violence. Dr. Myer ultimately Diagnosis Beth with an Attachment Disorder Known as Reactive Attachment Disorder or RAD.

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is a Condition in which a Child is Unable to Establish Healthy Attachment(s) with Their Parents, Guardian or Primary Care Taker……A Child with an Attachment Disorder feels Unsafe and Alone. Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder have been so Disrupted in Early Development that Their Future Relationships are Seriously to Extremely Impaired and Highly Dysfunctional. This Disorder Stems from Having Suffered Physical/Sexual/Emotional Neglect or Abuse in a Child’s early Developmental Years.

           

Note to The Viewer: It is Important to Note that While the Documentary is Informative it Doesn’t Comment on the Outcome. Thats to say They didn’t take the Time to let the Viewers know what happened to Beth once the Documentary was done filming. Luckily though this Sadistic Story actually has a Rather Happy Ending as it turns Out. Beth has persevered over Her Traumatic Childhood of Brutal Abuse, and earned a Bachelors Degree in Nursing. Beth has used what happened to Her and the Documentary to Help Other Children who are dealing having been Victims of Abuse.

Enjoy.

Thanks for Watching,

  Brought to You By Les Sober