Tag: religious protests

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (13/365)

Lee placed the keys back into His pocket, and went to Open the Door to see if and how He could help this Odd Little Old Lady who was lurking just outside the Door. As soon a Lee had Opened the Door the Little Old Lady with 6 or 7 of Her Friends in tow riffled past Lee in a Single File line like Their fucking lives depended on it. Once They had barraged in gaining access to the Porn Shop the spread out in all directions like CockRoaches when the Lights come on. Before Lee even knew what was happening a Second Set of Old Women came raging through the Door looking like some sort of Demented Calvary in Homemade Shawls.

“LETS GO, LETS GO LADIES, LETS GO!” barked the Little Old Lady who first ran in. She apparently for all intensive purposes looked to be the Leader of this maundering Street Gang of Geriatrics. Next this Little Old Woman started a raucous chant of “PERSECUTE PORN PEDDLERS AND PERVERTS!!!”

It was then that Lee took notice that the Majority of the Old Ladies were wearing matching Easter Yellow T-Shirts that had a Large Cross on it with the words “Grandmas For God”. Holy Shit Lee thought excitedly I know exactly what the hell is going on now this is the Hardcore Christian Group Grandparents of God (and Yes the Little Old Men wore Grandpas For God T-shirts) who had been making waves in the News recently.

The Grandparents For God had been targeting Strip Clubs in They’re Smite The Strippers Campaign. Before that the Group landed in the Lime Light for Aggressively Protesting the last lingering Pornographic Magazines, and Their Publishers with Their Keep Porn Out of Print Program. Lee simply couldn’t wait to see what the fuck these Fanatical Old School Fire and Brim Stone Christian Coalition was up too.

    

“Alright YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO, LETS PURGE THIS PLACE OF PORNOGRAPHY AND ITS PERVERSIONS!!!” Yelled The Little Old Lady Leading the Onslaught while raising Her clenched Fist high in the air as if it was the Summer of 1969. These were some Militant Missionaries who’d stop at nothing to Accomplish what They viewed as God’s work, and apparently God want Them to Persecute the Social Evil’s of Pornography in all its forms of Fornication.

Upon hearing the Battle Cry to Action the Horde of Nursing Home Soldiers of God erupted into an Apocalyptic Super Storm of Self Righteousness. The Old People Protesting started grabbing Merchandise from everywhere in the Store while one Old Lady who looked to be in Her late 90’s held the Door open with her Unsteady liver spotted Hands. Lee suddenly returned to reality, and realized He had to do something about this Religious Riot that was Unraveling before His eyes.

    

“Alright LADIES, LADIES What is going on Here? What is the Problem here? Please STOP acting so insane and just TELL ME what Your ISSUE IS.” Lee pleaded mustering all the Humility He possibly could.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Crazy Installment of

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (14/365)

Thanks for Reading,

   By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (12/365)

The rest of the Day was painfully slow at The Porn Shop with just a sparse handful of Walk Ins off the Street, but no real customers to speak of. The Owner Lee had been told upon His hiring that if Sales were Slow, and it was costing more money to stay open than was Cash coming through the Door to just Lock Up early and knock off early.

It was common sense and Lee rather not be stuck at the Job if there wasn’t anything going on since Battling Boredom was Lee’s primary goal in Life. It’s why He had decided to dedicate the rest of His days on Earth Observing Humanity for one reason and one reason only that being People if nothing else were quite Entertaining.

    

Lee had also adopted a Socrates approach to the rest of His Life which was He accepted (and also admit if and when need be) that He in fact didn’t know jack shit about a single goddamn thing. This way His Ego wouldn’t interfere with what Other People could Teach Him.

People Lee had found were willing (or felt compelled to) talk about subjects that They knew little to nothing about at Length. Lee found this occurrence fascinating and figured that People did it for One of Two reasons.

        

First off it was an obvious Social Pressure. No one wants to be Left out of the Loop, and No One wants to be the designated Office Idiot. The Other reason for the was phenomenon was Ego Driven. People simply felt that on some level They had to prove Their Knowledge or Intelligence to Others when the chance presented itself. Bottom Line in Lee’s onion was People just like to Hear Themselves talk while being paid attention too.

Lee got Himself ready to leave gathering up His belongings, Counting out His cash Drawer, Shutting Down the Shop  Computer, Sexting up whatever was needed for the following Day, and systematically shutting the lights off as He went. Everything was going smoothly, and uneventful. That was until Lee went to finish His final Closing Time Task of Locking The Front Door thats when things got REALLY Interesting.

      

Lee walked over to the Front Door with Keys in Hand ready to lock up and Leave when He noticed the Little Old Lady standing directly on the other side of the Glass Door. Even thought the Glass door like the few Shop windows were Tinted Heavily, but Lee could still see the facial features of the Little Old Ladies due to the fact She was standing so close to the Door Her nose was almost smushed up against it.

As He peered through he Door at the Old Woman the first thought that crossed Lee’s mind was that This was Definitely going to be something different. Again for the Second time that Day Lee felt the Surge of Curiosity well up inside of Him.

        

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Installment of Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher ( 13/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Senior Citizens & The Sex Shop Showdown

One Day I was hanging out with my dear friend The Armenian at his Grandmother’s house drinking Gin and Tonics of all fucking things. For the record I hate Gin, and think the only people on Earth who should drink it are The British Elderly. My personal feelings aside Gin was all We could steal from My Mother’s Liquor Cabinet the previous night.

Once We were dead drunk We wondered around and came upon a Bus Stop so We got on the next Bus that came without regard to where it was actually going. 10 minutes or so later We found out that it went to the local Mall. This was of course AFTER We had gotten OFF the Bus. We stumbled around trying to find a way to get the fuck away from the Mall when We came across a couple of Girls named Ryder and Debs (Short for Debra) sitting outside a Mall exit. They happened to live in the neighboring town of Addison which was cool because We were sick of the girls in our town.  We struck up a conversation, and short story short We became friends with some romantic relationship shit along the way.

It was a slow Sunday when The Armenian and I were doing a lot of nothing when We decided to head over to Addison to do a lot of more nothing with Ryder and Debs. We drove over and picked up Ryder and Debs and proceeded to drive around aimlessly smoking pot and talking shit. This was our favorite time killing pastime as our towns were small and full of Assholes.

Once We succumbed to the so called “Munchies” We stopped at a Local Diner called The Crystal Diner on Route 99. Now Route 99 was the main highway and commercial strip that ran through Addison. It housed everything from Grocery Stores, Fast Food Restaurants, bowling ally, a 2 screen movie theater, a Dunkin Donuts, Clothing Stores, Etc.

The most note worthy thing about Old Route 99 was at the far end running out of town nestled between a Gas Station and a Music store back from the road was a Adult Book Store (AKA Porn Shop). The Porn Shop was a small grey cinder block building with a Blacked out front window and parking in back. The Crystal Diner just so happened to be located across the street a few doors to the right. As We came out of Crystal The Armenian noticed there was quite a commotion going on over at the Porn Shop. This was something that could not and should  be ignored and We headed off words the Porn Shop on foot.

As We got closer We saw that there was a decent sized group (13-15) of Senior Citizens gathered outfronnt of the Porn Shop Entrance. Once We got to the edge of the Porn Shop’s tiny front parking lot We couldn’t believe what We had come across. The Senior Citizen’s were a all female Neighborhood Church Group protesting the Porn Shop in a growing intensity. They were waving signs saying shit like “Sex is for Procreation NOT Recreation”, and shouting “Hell No The Smut Must Go!” while waving their hands in the air.

We stood there smoking cigarettes watching this drama unfold. Finally it was getting old and We were about to go back to the car when the shit hit the fan. 3-4 of the Little Old Ladies bum rushed into the Porn Shop. A minute or so later one of the Little Old Ladies came out and held the entrance door wide open. The next thing anyone knows Sex Toys and Porno Movie DVDs come flying out the door and rain down in the parking lot. This really riled up the other Little Old Ladies into a Senior Insanity driven Frenzy as they started shouting encouragement to the “In Store Invaders” as it were. There’s nothing as absurdly entertaining as watching one Little Old Lady throw a Neon Pink Double Headed Dildo out of a Porn Shop while another Little Old Lady Shouts “Sex Toys are for SINNERS!” or a Little Old Lady picking up a Inflatable fuck doll (that happens to be a fucking Alien, it was like 6’4″, Black Almond Shaped Alien Eyes, “Total Recall” Tits (3), and Purple) and waving it wildly around screaming “Alien Sex Dolls are an Abomination !!!”

 

At last the Police Showed up to disband the Senior’s and We took off post haste as We hated Cops and were Holding a Variety of Substances in our car. To this day I can close my eyes and see the entire ordeal which still makes me laugh my cinical ass off every time without fail my friends.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober