Tag: Religious Texts

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (27/365)

The Performer Guy  held the Christ like Pose for a few seconds before breaking into a full blown Gregorian Chant. Lee found it admirable that the Performer knew Latin since who the fuck spoke Latin as it had already been  declared a Dead Language?! Once the Performer was finished singing He placed the Hammer down laying along the 2 by 4 with a Bizarre Ritualistic sense of Reverence.

Next the Guy retrieved an Old Beaten Up Bible, and a Rickety Music Stand from behind the wings. He opened the Bible to a Pre Marked Page, and started to Read the part of the Bible about The Last Supper  in a Booming (almost Sing Song like) Baritone. Just as Lee was entertaining the idea of a second Bathroom break things started to pick up.

        

The Preformer started to speak Faster, and Faster like an Auctioneer on Crack Bender as His words began to Blur together Indecipherably. As He was reading at this point the Performer reached down and extended the bottom part of His Foreskin. He then held the section of His Foreskin in place using the insanely sharp looking Tip of the Massive Looking Nail.

Suddenly the Performer screamed out “THE BODY OF CHRIST!!!” like His fucking Life depended on it. This Snapped the Meager Audience back to Reality. As soon as He finished the word Christ the Performer picked up the 5 pound Hand Held Sledgehammer in His right Hand, Raised it High over His head, and then He brought it down (with all the might He could Muster) onto the Head of the Nail in one swift Blow. The Hammer struck the Nail with the loud Metallic Twang of Metal meeting Metal head on. The Nail Plunged almost all the way through the fucking 2 by 4 .

        

It was then that 3 of the 11 Audience Members present got up and left looking repulsed and pissed at the same time. Lee figured this Performance was like the others designed as an over the top Circus of Shock and Awe. And Lee would be damned if He was going to be the so called first on to flinch. This was an Abrasive Performance Art Showdown, and Lee was about to fucking loose.

The Performer returned to Reading about the Last Super from the Old Beaten Up Bible. This time His speech sped up much faster than the last time around, and Lee figured thats the way it is when you just impaled your Penis in front of a fucking Live Audience. As the Performer was building up Steam a Stage Hand in a Slayer T-shirt not so subtly snuck out and handed the Performer a Regular Standard Household Hammer.

        

This time the Performer Screamed Out “THE BLOOD OF CHRIST!” before taking the Claw of the New Hammer, and Violently Pried  the Nail out of the Board and His Foreskin. As soon as the Nail exited His Flesh a fucking torrent of blood came gushing forth like somehow His dick had been transformed into a fucking Fire Hose it was truly unreal.

The Performer jumped back from the 2 by 4, and took His fucked up Foreskin and tried to pull it over the head of His cock. This looked to Lee like  a strange attempt to stop the Profuse Amount Bleeding by turning His cock into an impromptu Water Ballon of sorts. Maybe the first thing the Performer (being uncircumcised) though of when looked down at His Bloody Bellend the first thing that popped into His head was Sausage. And thusly He was trying to use His Foreskin to create a kind of Casing if You will. Aside from the Odd Reasoning behind the Weiner wrapping idea it also was failing to work as copious amounts of Blood was being Splattered all over the fucking Stage at this point.

        

Stay Tuned Kiddies for the Next Stellar Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (28/365)

Thanks for Reading,

   By Les Sober

Biblical Bewilderment: A Couple Questions for Christians.

I believe the Bible is a very good read, and recommend giving it a read.

I also DO NOT Believe that the Bible is in anyway a Religious Text.

I’m from the School of Thought that the Bible serves a Moral/Ethical Guide, a “How to Live a Good Life Manual” if you will. The Bible in My mind is an equivalent of  Esop’s Fables for Adults. Thats to say each story while entertaining has a distinct and definite Moral/Ethical Lesson contained within.

I consider Myself a Spiritual Person rather than Religious. Not that there is anything wrong per say with Religion itself its when Man gets involved, and creates ORGANIZED RELIGION.

Organized Religion is a Bastardized form of Religion in which Man takes precedent over His God. So when it comes to Religious Texts/Training/Teachings/Education/Interpretation Man Himself dictates Organized Religion in His understanding NOT THE WORD of a God.

That aside I remain open minded to the Possibility of Christianity, BUT I have some pertinent questions for Currently Practicing Christians of ANY DENOMINATION.

   

Let US Begin.

Why is there a 800 year old gap between the Writing of the actual Bible and when it was first complete?

Some blame the Dominate and Ruling Roman Empire for being so Anti-Christian that they banned any Christian Religions Texts or Teachings.

This drove Christianity underground for a time, and the Partitioners had to hide in the shadows using an oral tradition to keep the Bible/Bible Stories/Teachings alive in this period of oppression.

   

I’m not debating this Roman Empire Oppression, BUT Why didn’t some Partitioners just move out of the Roman Empire, and Practice Christianity in Peace and free from prosecution.

And also have you ever played The Telephone Game then you know how distorted and twisted a single sentence can become in a matter of just a couple of minutes. Now imagine an Telephone Game that spanned 800 fucking years. See what I’m saying?!

Question Two How can Jesus who was a JEW (The Jewish Faith has suffered the most oppression and persecution for practicing Their Religion, and Christianity played a HUGE PART) somehow end up becoming the Savior of a completely different Religion?

   

I mean for example Buddhism didn’t commandeer say Muhammed from the Muslim Religion to use Him as Their Prophet, Leader or Messiah.

Question 3 How come the first half or The Old Testament of the Bible t(he Primary Christian Religion ) was written by Jews?

I wouldn’t attempt to take the first half of a Religious Text, and then rewrite the second half modeled on My particular and different Religion.

Question Four was addressed in  The Kevin Smith’s movie Dogma. The question is once Jesus talked to the Angle Micheal, and was informed of Who He really is/ His purpose where did He disappear to for 30 years?

Jesus was approximately 8 years old when He learns His ultimate Fate, and then He vanishes for three fucking Decades only to return on the Bible as a full grown 38 year old man with NO EXPLANATION?

Question Five pertains to the Crucifixion or more over its Biblical Depiction. It is a fucking Scientific and Anatomically IMPOSSIBLE to Crucify a Person threw the Palms of the hand as show in countless Christian depictions of Jesus. Quite simply the weight of the Human body combined with Gravity would cause the Hands to tear in half.

      

Also Nailed person threw Their feet while they are placed one on top on the other is also completely impractical in the act of Crucifixion. More than likely the feet were secured by placing the victims feet on side of the Cross, and then nailed in place next to/around the ankle.

Question Six is of all the improbable Stories in the Bible We are supposed to believe Jesus DIED for 3 days only to Rise from the Dead as if to say “See They TOLD YOU I’m the Messiah!” before then ascending to Heaven?

Question Seven is how can Jesus be The Son of God while simultaneously being God as well. How do does a Father physically become His own Son? This is either a bad case of Schizophrenia or one of the most famous cases of Inbreeding ever recorded.

      

Question Eight is about the Christian Depiction of Jesus as a Pale White Man with or without a full beard, Blue Eyes, and long blonde hair? Its been Historically PROVEN if Jesus did in fact exist He would have been Mediterranean meaning He’d been a Person of Color with Brown Eyes and Black Hair.

And since We are on the subject of Christian’s version of Christ why when depicted on the Cross Jesus again personifies the epitome of what most people would consider quite attractive?

I mean He’s  got a 6 pack of Abs, Not an ounce of body fat, and is Ripped long and lean like a fucking Professional Swimmer?

   

Question Nine is about Religious Relations. Since as aforementioned Jesus was Jewish, AND the First Half of The Bible was written by The Jews how the fuck do Christians Historically to Condemn/Dislike/Disparage/Prosecute/Criticize/Dismiss The Jewish Religion/The Jews?

Without Judaism Christians wouldn’t have Jesus as Their Messiah, and Only Half of a Bible? If anything it looks like to me that the Christians should be thanking the Jews for all the fucking Help by providing some founding of fundamentals of The Christian Faith.

   

Last Question is Number Ten. How is it The Jews according to Christians were the sole reason for They Crucification and Subsequent Murder of Their Messiah (aka Jesus)? Last time I checked it was THE ROMANS who condemned Jesus to Death by Crucifixion.

Now true The Romans had some assistance locating Jesus thanks to JESUS’S DESCIPLE JUDAS?

   

There is a Theory Juda’s last name which in the Bible is Iscariot is more than likely a corruption of the Latin Sicarius (defined as  “Murderer” or “Assassin” which seems very fucking convenient considering the Story. Now Sicarius were a Jewish Group who were the most Radical and Fanatical Sect of Judaism.

This to Me seems WAY TO FUCKING CONVENIENT, and its as of now Judas’s last name debate is UTTERLY UNFOUND and is NOT an indisputable fact by Theologians. So Judas’s possible Last Name or a Variant is just a Hypothesis or in Lay Man its just a GUESS OR SOMEONE’S PERSONAL BELIEF.  

Thanks for Reading    By Les Sober

God & Satan Enemies Of A Different Color

Preface: Most people know the story of God casting Satan from Heaven because Satan wanted to take control of Heaven.

  1. It all started when God got bored and created people to entertain him (the original reality t.v.) which pissed off more than a few Angels due to their jealousy of God’s infatuation with his new creations.
  2. Satan was not only an Angel he was the Angel of Light effectively he was God’s right hand man. Satan gathered a group of like minded angels bound together by their hate of humanity and God’s preferential treatment of people. Once Satan had assembled his crew they picked a fight with God by trash talking Humans, a fight that Satan lost.
  3. God banished Satan (along with his traitorous posse) from heaven.
  4.  BUT GOD DID NOT BANISH SATAN TO HELL. God decided if Satan hated man more than anything then Satan’s punishment was to walk among man for eternity.
  5. From this point out God and Satan were deemed to be immortal enemies clashing in a constant war of conflict as each tries to win more souls than the other.

The Question: Now I have read the Bible and I like most have a few questions. The first and foremost I question the relationship between God and Satan as far as the traditional belief. As I stated earlier in #5 God and Satan are supposed to be the ultimate foes, yet in the Bible there seems to be a good bit of dialogue between God and Satan. This alone strikes me as odd considering their intense and eternal war of good versus evil after Satan got his ass evicted from his Heavenly home.

The best example in my mind of God and Satan’s rather unorthodox relationship lies in the story of Job. Here is a brief run down summation of the story of Job as told by me (Less Sober).

One day God and Satan (post battle for Heaven) were hanging out together which seems to me like a mighty oxymoron. Why would God and Satan hangout together if their such intense enemies that they actually went to war against one another?

While God and Satan are lallygagging about God starts to brag a good bit about his follower Job and how much Job loves God with undying loyalty. Satan decides to bust God’s balls a bit about this oh so holy and devoted Job guy. Satan makes a side comment to God that its totally obvious the only reason Job gives a shit about God is because Job has a sweet life. Job had a big house, a lot of land, a wife, tons of kids and a productive farm, BUT if Job didn’t have all the perks then he’d abandon God flat out.

Now this conversation seems to follow suit with the relationship described in the Bible between the two Deities, God says something positive and Satan then undermines it with negativity. HOLD ON MY FRIENDS This Is Where It Gets Really Weird.

God decides based on what Satan said to make a bet. YES IT WAS GOD who made the bet WITH SATAN. In some versions of this story some of the faithful claim Satan proposed the bet to God, but sadly no it was all God’s idea.

The bet is this: God allows open hunting season on Job enabling Satan to do whatever horribly wicked shit he could think of to torment Job. If Job remains loyal to God in spite of all the suffering Satan rains down upon him God wins, but if Job succumbs to Satan’s vile endeavorers then simply Satan wins.

Satan then proceeds to run shop on Job. Satan kills all of Jobs crops, kills all of his animals, all of Job’s servants, burns his house down, and kills all of Job’s sons and daughters while they ate together. Job remains standing God.

Round Two Satan struck Job with sores from head to toe. Here Job’s wife does something strange she tells Job to CURSE God and then die. Its the dying part that confuses me because why would she want her husband dead considering Satan killed the rest of the family at this point. Anyway I digress. Job for his credit did not curse God nor did he die, but he did at one point wonder why his God was allowing all this foul shit to happen to him, and at one point even asks God to let him die (assumedly to avoid further torture). Job through it all sticks by God and remains faithful by not sinning in cursing God.

God immediately declares himself the victor to Satan, and then shoots down to Earth to tell Job to shut up and stop asking questions for God works in mysterious ways.

In Summation allow me to state my opinion on the story/subject matter at hand. This is how I see it in all honesty. It appears to me that instead of being eternal enemies God and the Satan had a more personal relationship (as opposed to one ruling Heaven and the other Hell completely independent of one another). To me its more like two best friends who started a business together and the business started to flourish making all involved very happy. Then one friend makes an executive decision about staffing without consulting his friend and partner first. This leads to resentment, tension, stress and anxiety plaguing the friendship driving the two friends apart. Finally one of the friends has had enough and attempts a hostile takeover of the company only to fail, and thus the partnership dissolves spectacularly along with the friendship over an argument on how the company should be run. As the years pass the two friends begin to reconnect yet both are still pissed about their falling out as each blames the other for their failed friendship. Though God and Satan don’t ever reconcile they form a new love-hate relationship because though they had a shitty falling out their friendship out weighs the one vicious fight over difference of opinion.

 

 

Interpreting Angels by Spacedog

I’m a firm believer in the fact that sometimes creativity, thoughts, and even emotions come from places completely outside of us. I struggled with this for many years during my drug addiction. I felt all the thoughts that blew by on the wind, that other people were having but never my own. I could not feel my own I was blocked, so naturally I thought all the good, bad, and ugly around me were me. There is a lot more bad and ugly apparent to the naked eye.
It is very good to say that the vast majority of the time now I can differentiate between the two. However when the thoughts are simple, pure, and genuine I do not really try and think, “Well where the hell did that one come from?”. We all like to believe that every good thought, intention, or deed comes directly from within us but sometimes it does not. Sometimes it is from an angel.
I believe in a lot of things. Most people that consider themselves religious would probably cringe when told all the different bits and pieces that my inner knowledge feels to be true. Most non-religious people might even feel the same way. I am who I am. There is one thing that I do believe. That is in angels.
Not in a traditional king james bible sort of way however. Angels can be dead or alive to me. Some peoples pure presence alone or amazing aspects in people that well frankly suck. I consider an angel to be inspirational. Some people can only retain that inspiration for short periods.
I admit I have had a few conversations in my life where I have completely shocked myself by some of the things I have said. Even while being the complete paradox of it. Talking about how great life is while considering suicide; talking someone out of using drugs while I was doing them on the other end of the phone line; the list goes on and on. Some may say hypocrisy . I say angel.
Am I calling myself an angel? Hell to the no. Touched by one? Much more likely.
Many of us believe in ghosts and entities that haunt, so why couldn’t there be angels?
We all have our gifts. Whatever moves you and drives you.
If you know what it is go after it wholeheartedly but do not succumb to the first inkling of failure.
If it is another person, then I really hope for your sake you are their sound producer, their roadie, their secretary, or perhaps if you like cigars their intern. Otherwise you will be disappointed when all the roses die. All roses die it is only their scent that lingers. Sometimes the scent is not enough.
When people leave us too soon, whether through death or any variety of factors we always question ourselves. Here is a little poem I’ve always liked.
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need
you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part
or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered
and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON,
it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
those things you must build upon
in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person/people (anyway);
and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. (Author Unknown)
So while we are generally confused, saddened, and distraught when old things end, we must move forward. The train can only go forward and not back. Sure we can pause to reminisce. Just don’t get stuck in the quicksand. Our friends, new and old, would not want us to be stagnant. I would rather be mobile and saddened, then like the great wall of china and mildly happy.
As for the poem, I truly believe that friendship is clairvoyant. One of my friends, who I would talk to generally everyday, would always call me at unusual hours. 6PM here, none at all there, 3AM here, 1PM, midnight, you get the picture. 90 percent of this time I could pinpoint within 30 minutes when he would call. I get urges for the same songs as others at the same times. It is uncanny. The list is endless.
So anyway I would like to thank the angel(s) that made this writing possible. I could not have done it on my own.
Do you ever feel an unknown, other worldly presences pushing you forward? I know I do. Otherwise I’d be writing about lesbians.

The Conflict of Crucifixion

Admittedly I’m not the most religious person but I know enough of christianity to be a bit curious. Heres the issue at hand Jesus was crucified as depicted in the bible and their were 2 criminals who were also crucified at the same time. Its the 2 convicts that caught my interest because of the factual history of crucifixion and its relation to christianity. People have crucified people through out the annals of time be it for such reasons as politics, religion, money or war. Granted there were who only knows how many innocent people who became collateral damage, but with that said in spite of the brutality of humanity there were legitimately tons of criminals of all types murderers,rapists,thieves etc. who were caught and crucified. So considering that innocent victims as well as convicted criminals were executed by crucifixion as was Jesus isn’t using the sign of the cross as a christian icon a conflict of interest per say?!