Tag: road trip

A Road Trip Tip So You Don’t Get Screwed Over

A While Back My Wife and I had to go on a Road Trip to of all fucking Places fucking Florida. My Wife’s Family Predominately Live in Florida so We head Down there about 4 times a Year to Visit Them. Now to be fucking Clear I actually do Like My In-Laws, BUT for the Record FUCK FLORIDA. I fucking Can’t Stand Florida which was a Glorified Swamp filled with Moronic and Insane Assholes running around like the fucking Wild West. Over the Last 5-6 Years Florida went From a Shitty Swamp to an ABSOLUTE AND UNADULTERATED FUCKING SHITHOLE Populated by Scum of the Lowest fucking Order. And No I don’t give a Flying Fuck about Disney or fucking Universal or The Kennedy Space Museum since I’m Not a fucking Little Kid so Don’t Bother Mentioning Any of Them.

We always Leave on a Friday so My Wife Doesn’t get fucked out of P.T.O Hours (Paid Time Off) and We Usually We Drop Our Dog’s off at A Friend’s House in the Late Morning, Drive Home, Pack the Truck, and Hit the Road. This Particular Trip though all fucking Hell was Breaking Loose at My Wife’s Job so We had to Switch Up Our regular Routine. We Dropped the Dogs Off first fucking thing in the Morning and Them We headed Home so My Wife could get to Work. She didn’t get back Home Until 6:30pm and then We packed the Car and Hit the Road by 7:15pm. We finally reached Our Destination in Fucked Up Florida at about 3 am to find a Cold Front had rolled in and it was Non Stop Raining.

My Wife went in to the Hotel where We had made a Reservation fucking WEEKS BEFORE We were coming to Check In and all that bullshit. I waited for Her to Return to the Truck accept it was taking an Unprecedented Amount of Time and was getting Quite Pissed Off. I continued to Wait without doing dick because When I get Pissed Off I turn into a Raging Asshole which tends to make shit worse. After what seemed like for-fucking-ever My Wife came Walking back it to the Truck with a Extremely Displeased Look plastered across Her Normally Calm Face. I instantly knew by Her look Something Seriously fucked up had Happened and Now We were going to be Scrambling at 3 am in the fucking Rain to find a Solution to this Surprise Problem. And I was Right on Point with My Assumption.

When She hopped Back into the Truck She informed Me that the fucking Hotel decided to SELL OUR ROOM in spite of the Fact We had Paid for it in fucking Full when We made the motherfucking Reservation. The Issue was since They Sold Our Room to Some Asshole the Hotel affectively had ended up Double Booking the goddamn room. The Result of this was We were fucked out of Our Reservation, its was Cold and Rainy, and at 3 am We had No Where to Stay. We pulled into a Parking Spot at the Hotel since We didn’t have a Clue what the fuck to do about the Bullshit Situation and Sat in Our Truck Brainstorming. As I mentioned I was already Pissed because I was Worn Out from the Road so I was on the Verge of Totally Losing My Shit at this Point.

I asked My Wife what the fuck the Person Working had to Say about all this fucking Bullshit that had Ended Up fucking Us Over. She replied that there was Only One Employee who looked like She graduated from fucking High School Yesterday and that this was Her first Day on the Job. The Bottomline was the Employee was Inexperienced and Utterly Incapable of Dealing with the Problem and in all Due Favor had Called the On Call Manager for Help. Between it being 3:30am and the Manager being a Total Prick Didn’t’t answer Their fucking Phone leaving the Employee ass out to Defend for Herself. Since I knew if I walked into the Hotel Pissed as a motherfucker I most likely would End Up Walking Out in fucking Handcuffs (because Someone would inevitably call the Cops) decided to Conduct all Conversations with said Employee via the Phone.

First thing First I called and Demanded the Employee call Her Manager and Blow Their Phone Up until They fucking Answered. Well That Didn’t Accomplish a damn thing. Next I asked Her what the fuck about the Fact We had Pre Paid for the fucking Room and since We got screwed over We wanted Our fucking Money back incase We Located another Hotel with a Vacancy. The Employee then tells Me that the Hotel will definitely Refund Our Money BUT it Couldn’t be Done Until Tomorrow because She didn’t have the Authority to do Refunds. For the Record I knew that this Employee was the Lowest Person on the Totem Pole and as such had No Real Power or Authority to do much of Anything other than Apologize.

Keeping this in Mind when I have to Deal with Customer Service I try Not to Abuse the Customer Service Rep. I know They can’t really do Much if fucking Anything to Help Me so I make Sure to Say shit like “Your Employer”, “Your Boss”, and Call the Company Out by Name. I fully fucking Understand Why People get Angry in these types of Situations and Tend to Vent Their Displaced Anger on/at the Customer Service Rep. That is Why I make sure to Call the Company Out by Name or Say Shit like “I know its not you…” or “Your Employer…” or  “The People Running the Company…” because again Yelling and Cursing at Someone with No Actual Authority is Futile because They lack Any and All Power to Do Jack Diddly Shit. The Best Part is Customer Service Reps get Screamed at and Insulted Daily by Pissed Off Jackasses so When They Encounter a Customer Who Doesn’t Automatically Unleash Their Fury Upon Them are Very Appreciative. Their Appreciation translates into Them going above and Beyond, doing shit They Normally wouldn’t, to Try and Really Help You Out (Mind You Though even with the Best Intentions They have Little to No Authority) as Best They can instead of Sticking to the Script so to speak.

The Next Half Hour the Employee desperately called Other Hotels in the Area trying to Find One We could go to with just One Problem. As I mentioned We drop Our Big Dogs off at a Friends, Yet Our the Little Dog Travels with Us. I told the Employee that the ONLY fucking Condition We had was whatever the fucking Place was it had to be fucking Pet Friendly which seems simple enough. While the Employee did Find Several Places every time She called Me Back it turned Out She had fucking Forgot that the Place had to be Pet Friendly. Since this was Her fuck up and Her’s alone I began to get Far More Aggressive and asked Her why it was so fucking hard to remember one fucking thing because Now She was wasting My fucking Time as We sat in Our fucking Truck in the fucking Parking Lot in the Rain like Assholes.

Luckily While I was attempting to Deal with the Situation with the Employee My Wife was Calling Hotels as Well looking for an Alternative for Us. And Low and fucking Behold My Wife found a Place Near By, Pet Friendly, and had a Vacancy. At that Point I told the Employee that My Wife had figured something out since the Employee was fucking up time and time again. I then suggested the Employee find another fucking Job and One hopefully She’d be better at. I also took a moment to Shit Talk the Useless Manager and while doing so Asked if Said Manager would be working Tomorrow which They were. I did in fact call the Manger Jerk Off the Next Day and Ripped Him a New Asshole, and meanwhile all this pathetic fuck could say was that He didn’t appreciate My use of Foul Language. I reminded Him I’m legitimately Pissed the hell off at getting fucked Over and Offered to come Down to the Hotel so We could Discuss the Matter of the Room and My Language in Person which He Declined.

The Moral to this Story is a Simple One: ALWAYS Cover Your Ass. I had experienced My Parents and Others Over the Years calling Hotels to Verify that They are Coming which I always thought was well Retarded. I thought so because if You make a fucking Reservation then that takes care of it because that’s what the fucking purpose a Reservation serves. Needless to Say I fully understand that Calling to Confirm Your Reservation is Retarded BUT unfortunately fucking Necessary Bullshit. Thus I will be calling to verify My Hotel Reservations from Now until the End of My fucking Life because I swear to fucking God I’m NOT going through that Shit EVER Again.

It is What it Is,

 By Les Sober

Thanksgiving Shits And Giggles Featuring Woody Scream

Well We are Finally getting Our shit together since We got clusterfucked in-between a fucking a Surreal Road Trip and the Thankless Toils of the Thanksgiving Holidays. I’m currently working on a Post pertaining to the Aforementioned Road Trip, but it’s Slow Going since it’s such an Infuriating Story I have to take frequent breaks so I don’t Actually Punch My Computer Screen. That aside I felt the need to Address the Utter Nonsensical Onslaught of the so called Holiday Season in the Meantime. To Keep some sort of Order and Assemble some sort of fucking Sanity I will be Using the FYB Tried and True Bullet Point Format.

  • Pre Show Prep: My Wife and I have been Drafted over the Recent Years into the Unwelcoming Ranks of Holiday Responsibilities and Assorted Bullshit. So this Includes the Relentless Cleaning Up the House in Preparation of the Forthcoming Company. This obviously makes fucking Sense, and We have No Qualm with Doing. The Problem is My Micro Managing Obsessive and Franticly Stressed Mother who can make You Feel like You’re Losing Your goddamn Mind since Her Anxiety is fucking Infectious. She whips Herself up into a fucking Frenzy Running around like a fucking Lunatic starting Numerous Projects Simultaneously while Simultaneously Finishing None of Them. It’s what We unaffectionately refer to as My Mother’s Manic Host Mode where She acts like Her Life and Reputation is Teetering on the Brink if Her House isn’t Absolutely Spotless and has been Cleaned to the Highest Hospital Standards.

The Funny thing is It’s just Family Who are the Mellowest and Undemanding House Guests You can Have for fuck’s sake. My Mother seems to be Operating under some delightfully Demented Assumption that if The Family Arrives to find even a Single Speck of Dirt on the Bottom Stair (leading up to the Front Porch) It’s All Over in an Instant. As if My Fellow Family Members would Cast a Disgusted eye Upon the Psec of Dirt, Turn Around on Their Heel, March back to Their Cars, Lod up, and Yell before Speeding Off into the fucking Distance “WHAT A FILTHY HELLHOLE! SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU GUYS AND YOUR PIG STY! WE WILL NEVER SET FOOT ON THIS SOIL AGAIN AND WE DISOWN EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU DISAPPOINTING AND FILTHY FUCKERS!!!” It’s Insanity Incarnate.

               

THE KIDS: The Two Boys are Still just Shy of becoming Teenagers and as So were Willing to Speak and Interact with Us on a Consistent Basis during the Trip. Meanwhile Their Sister being 16 Years Old is Undoubtedly a Full Blown fucking Teenager. She had Her Face in Her Phone the Entire fucking Time because Her Life currently is all About Socializing and Friends, Friends, and More fucking Friends! I do have to give Credit where Credit is Due for Her Part She refrained from being the Classic Anti-Social Hormonal Horror Show Three Ring Circus of Bullshit. The Trip was Free from Conflict, Argument, Hissy fucking Fits, Screaming/Yelling, Door Slamming or Anti Adult/Authority “I am My Own Person” Self Indulgent Self Righteous Sixteen Year Old Psychodrama. So That Was A Pleasant Surprise.

The Reservation Situation: My Mother being from an Older Generation is still totally Hung Up on the Restaurant Reservation Scenario. The Problem is that Unless it’s some Super Trendy Fine Dining Hipster Restaurant or Perhaps an Old School Steak House Throw Back Dinosaur then You Don’t actually need a Reservation. Unfortunately as Time Evolved and Moved on My Mother Did Not budge an Inch. So One Night We were going out to Eat and Automatically My Mother becomes Fixated as Fuck on the Fact the Place Didn’t Take Reservations, BUT where Kind Enough as to make Note that a Party of 10 was Headed Their Way (I assume this was complete horseshoe to placate the Madness that is My Mother. Also I don’t Blame Them a Bit since My Mother is well let’s say Intense and Leave it at That.

               

As We are Driving to Said Restaurant My Mother goes into Panic Mode when My Cousin Texted “Do we need a reservation?” and that’s all it Took for My Mother to Head for the Races. The Next thing We know My Mother has Engulfed Everyone in the fucking Car into Her Web of Sheer Madness as We all Scrambled to Solve the Situation (aka Attempt Get My Mental Mother to Calm the Hell Down). Finally the whole Reservation Hullaballoo died Down Five Minutes before We got to the Restaurant. Just for the Record the Drive was 42 Minutes Long and it took only Two Minutes before My Mother got Triggered by the Innocent Reservation Question. That Means the Reservation Dilemma essentially lasted the Entire Fucking Ride.

Once We Enter the Resturant even though it’s 8:30 on a Saturday Night was like a Scene from a Shitty B Comedy Movie was Empty as Empty could be. The Only other fucking People there besides Us are the fucking Staff. That’s it just Us and the Boarded looking Staff After all the Old School Reservation busllshit Versus the New School No Reservation Needed the place Didn’t have a Single other Customer. It was so Dead in there I honestly felt fucking Bad for the Poor Waitress who just so Happened to Be the Nicest, Professional, Personable, and Kickass All Around Waitress I have Even Encountered. The way I figured it She was Financially fucked since Working at this Particular Restaurant was making Her a Damn Thing, or She was One of the Working Poor who had Several Restaurant/Food Service Jobs just to be able to Scrape By. All I hope is She finds a Better and More Lucrative Job then the Graveyard of a Restaurant where She is currently Employed.

                  

Litter Patrol: We live so Far Out in the fucking Middle of Nowhere USA that We Don’t have Trash Pick Up so No Garbage Men/Women or Trash Day. Instead We have to Haul Our own Stinky Shitty Trash down to the Town Dump (Which is Actually just a Parking Lt with a Bunch of Dumpsters line up Designated for Different Shit (Example: Plastic, Yard Waste, Metal Etc.). One of the Unfortunate Side Effects of this and People be Lazy as Fuck is there is a Real Litter Problem. Along some Stretches of Road there’s all kinds of Shit like Fast Food Containers from Places that are fucking 30-45 Minutes Away, Old Tires, Beer Cans/Booze Bottles (There so Many I swear Every motherfuckier in Town is Drunk Driving), Broken TV’s, Ratty Ass Furniture like Old Worn Out Love Seats and Shit, and a Shit Ton of Rotting Plastic Bottles.

This lead to My Mother having the Idea to Subtly Suggest that Why the Family is here that We clean up Along Some the Roads that Run Through the Vast Property. This was a Nice and Generally Well Received by All until My Mother started to get fucking pushy as Shit Pushing the Issue and Badgering Everyone. I told Her it was fucking Insane that She went fro Subtle Suggestion to Full on Demanding Compliance Immediately. First Off Not everyone Agreed to Help which was Fine and Expected, but then My Mother got bent because My Cousin wouldn’t Allow the Boys to go Out and Collect Trash on the Side of the Road because it would be Dangerous. She was and is Absolutely right on that one it is fucking Damn Well Dangerous.

                   

The Speed Limit is 55 and as You can imagine People average 65 or Higher and the fact there is Only 3-4 Police Officers allows People to Drive even More like Total Assholes. Then there are Several Blind Curves which are just begging to be the Sight of a Fatal Car Accident so again Imagine People Speeding around Blind Curves would You want Your Kid Standing There Fuck No You Wouldn’t. Lastly the Road is a Main Route for Eighteen Wheeler Logging Trucks which as We all Know take Forever and a fucking Day to Slow to a Gradual Stop.

At Last My Wife, My Cousin’s Husband (looking to escape the Chaotic Confines of the House), My Mother, and I Headed Out to Help Tidy up the fucking Roadside. Now after spending 3-4 Hours Ranting, Raving, and Being a Total Dick about the Whole Thing My Mother Collected One Bag of Trash in 15 minutes and Then Declared She was Tired and Done. The Three of Us remained and Managed to Pack 22 Trash Bags to the fucking Gills with Roadside Garbage. Not too Shabby for damn Near Forced Labor.

The Getting Ready Dilemma: This is the Asinine bullshit that I Hate the Most out of all the Family fucking Nonsense is the Getting Ready Principle. This happens Every fucking time before Every fucking thing We plan to Do when the Family is in Town. As the Deadline Approaches Family Members mingle around Idly just Killing Time fucking with Phones, watching TV, Reading a Book (Yes some of Us still Read fucking Books so Fuck You if thats weird to You), or smoother Mindless Time Wasting Activity. The Point is this getting Ready to Leave Limbo is We aren’t even Interacting with one Another while We wait. It’s like We’re all Hanging around Some Sort of fucking Waiting room for an Appointment that’s Never Coming.

One by One Each Family Member States that They have to Get Ready and then set off to Allegedly do so. I say Allegedly because though Everyone leaves under the Presence of getting Ready to Go NO ONE actually appears to actually be getting ready. This process wastes a good 45 to 60 Minutes as Nothing gets Accomplished while People Drift Room from Room like Human fucking Jellyfish. I detest Downtime I really fucking Hate it because I get Bored Easily, and I fucking Hate Boredom with a Passion so This Aimless Lackadaisical Idiocy infuriates Me to No end. Then just like a fucking Football Game after Squandering a Good Amount of Time in the Final Minutes Everyone jumps into fucking Action. Then all of a Sudden Everyone is Ready and Walking out the fucking Door so what this all Means is They can get Ready in a Timely Manner, but They Delay and Dawdle away a Hour for No fucking Reason Whatsoever. I simply Cannot get My Head Around Such Drivel.

             

Game Night Without The Kids: On One Particular Night the Kids went to Visit some of Their Other Relatives leaving the Adults Alone for the Evening. After the Drinks Started Flowing My Wife Suggested Breaking Out the Game Cards Against Humanity since We were Kid Free, and It’s I think We can All Agree Not a Game for Anyone Under 18 Years of Age (Some May Argue No One Under 21 Years Of Age). For those Who are Not Familiar Cards Against Humanity is an Adult Party Game in Which Players complete Fill-In-The-Blanks Statements using Words or Phrases Typically Deemed Obscene or Offensive in Nature.

Undeniably the Some of the Games Appeal comes from the Fact Younger Generations get a kick out of Hearing Older Generations Curse or Use Sexually Charged Language. The Assumption made by The Younger Generations is that the Older Generation will be Utterly Clueless when it comes to the X-Rated Content. The Ironic thing is the Old Generations DO know about all the Crazy Sex shit it’s They just Don’t know what it’s Being Called Nowadays (Example: Russia used to be The Soviet Union and the USSR in its Past though its Always been the Same Geographical Location).

My Cousin’s Husband remember Playing it one Time Long Ago and was Definitely in Favor of Playing that was Until We actually Started Playing. We were about 8 minutes into the Game when He started to Regret His Initial Endorsement for Playing Cards Against Humanity in the First Place. He was Consumed by Embarrassment and Tried to Avoid dwelling on certain Topics like Describing what the Sex Toy Known as the Fleshlight was to His In laws. My Wife and I were having None of It and Informed Him once the Game started there Wasn’t any Backing Down, Sugar Coating, or Skipping Over a Single Aspect of the Game. Watching My Cousins Husband Squirm Uncomfortably Blushing with Embarrassment was the Highlight of the Game as Far as I’m Concerned.

And So this Brings Us to the End of this Pos on Thanksgiving Tensions. I wanted to End this Post a Little Different from Previous Posts So I Included the Feature Video WOODY SCREAM below to Summarize My Feelings Pertaining to the Hell of the Holidays. Now On to Christmas!

Enjoy.

Thanks For Watching,

 By/Presented By Les Sober 

FYB Update: We’re Back on the Radar

We would like to take a Minute to Thank Our Fans for Sticking with Us even when We suddenly go Off the Grid. The Honest Truth of the Matter is We needed to take a Vacation from 2020 the Year Everything went to Hell in a Hand Basket and Everything turned to Shit. No even a Extremely Hardcore Natural Born Pessimist such as Myself could have predicted a Royally Fucked Up Shit Storm which is 2020. And Lets fucking Face it 2020 has You either so Depressed Your contemplating Drowning Yourself in Your Toilet OR so Enraged that Your Blood Pressure leaves You on the Verge of having a Massive fucking Stroke 24/7.

In Fact We are of the School of Thought that when it comes to the American Timeline that We “13th Floor” 2020 all together. Just as the Elevator’s in Hotel and the like go from Floors 12 to 14 skipping 13 since Plenty of People (More than You Realize) throughout History are Superstitious, and 13 is perceived to be an Unlucky Number. This of course is ridiculous version of Out of Sight Out of Mind and, it Worked as Long as there technically isn’t a 13th Floor (which Obviously there is since You can’t build a Building minus an Entire fucking Floor) People chilled the fuck out.

            

Thusly We hereby Suggest when it comes to the America’s Historical Timeline that We turn a Similar Blind Eye to 2020. It’s really quite simple just like the Elevator’s appears to skip the 13th We should modify The American Timeline. Once 2020 is finally reached its Chaotic and Utterly Fucked up end We erase it We’ll just have the Years go 2018, 2019, 2021 thus Illuminating the Memory and Denying the Existence of 2020 all together.

Anyway We desperately need to take some time off to Clear Our Heads and try to Reassemble Our Decaying Sanity. Just like the Cliche “Change of Scenery” or “Stretch Our Legs” We took a rather Impromptu Road Trip. You see Every Year We visit My Wife’s Family around Mid August for a Group Birthday Celebration. This is Due to the Fact My Wife, Her Two Cousins, and Her Uncle all have August Birthdays. Many Years back the Family decided to do One group Birthday Celebration as opposed to One after the Other after the Other and So On. The Only Issue this Year was They all live in The Great Souther COVID Ridden Swamp know as Florida, and with all the Negative Press on How Florida fucked up the COVID response Worst than Most States made for a Daunting Trip to say the Least.

           

Let’s face it Florida has and Always will be rather Fucked up and Home to a Wide Array of fucking Weirdos, Lunatics, and Fanatics even before the Coronavirus. I mean there actual Slang Terms (all of which are Negative) for Floridians because of Their Odd and Bizarre Mentality or Behavior. One of the Most Popular is the Term “Florida Man” which refers to News Stories pertaining to some Seriously Stupid, Careless, or Out Right Retarded People Joke that the Story has to be from Florida since they’re Known to be Half Assed Idiots. Then there is My Favorite Term “Floridiot” which is Self Explanatory. Lastly since Unfortunately America has been Ravaged by COVID Floridians fall into the Demographic go the Populous referred to as COVIDIOTS. COVIDIOTS are Anti-Maskers, Trump Supporters, COVID Conspiracy Nut Jobs, or Any Dumbfuck that thinks the Coronavirus is Exaggerated or Even a Hoax. Again essential Trump Supporting MAGAssholes.

           

Luckily for Us it Turned Out the County We were Visiting did in fact have a Mandatory Mask Mandate and Enforced (for the most part) Social Distancing which was a Pleasant Surprise and quite a fucking Relief. We only went where Necessary and Avoided Everything Else so No We didn’t go to the Goddamn Beach, Bullshit Bars, or Any Amusement Parks Populated currently by Complete Assholes. Thats not to Say We stayed Totally Hunkered Down in One Place the Entire Time and the Trip was one of the Easiest Going and Relaxing Trips I’ve ever taken to Florida aka Hell. Going into it based on all the Negative News about Florida I figured it be a Bunch of White Trash Trump Supporters running amok Coughing on Everyone, Sneezing on Every Surface while They Gleefully Spit into Each others Mouths.

           

The Most Entertaining part of the Trip was My Wife’s Eldest Cousin Cliff. Cliff was a Fanatic and Adamant Republican before He could even fucking Vote. Well After 2016 and the Following Four Years of the Escalating Destruction of America by an Orange Asshole He has Abandoned the Republican Party and is Now Voting Democrat. But that Not the Entertaining Part as We all Know or recently have become Aware Boating and Dipshit MAGAssholes have become a Hot Topic if You Will. All I can Say about Boaters for Trump is where the Fuck is a Category 5 Hurricane when You fucking Need One?! Anyway My Wife’s Family have always been Big into Boats and Cliff just so happen to have Bought a New Boat Recently.

Apparently one of the First things He did upon Purchasing the Boat was to Equip it with a Flag. Cliff chose a VERY LARGE Black Flag with the Red Lettering that says “FUCK TRUMP”, and Drives it past Boaters with Trump Flags for the Sole Purpose of Pissing Them Off. And Let’s face it Stupid People are Easily Angered. The Best Part if Cliff is an Insanely Intelligent Person Who has A Master Degree in Spanish-American History (The Spanish have a long fucking History in Florida), and He just Finished His Phd Thesis Paper. So when Moronic MAGA Maggots get all Butthurt about the Fuck Trump Flag Cliff and I Quote “I Have No Problem taking on Any of those Idiots.” Let’s Just Say I couldn’t be Prouder and Cliff has earned a Great Deal of more of My Respect.

            

We apologize again for suddenly (and until now Unexplainably) Gone Off Grid as They Say. We are Back and Back with a Fucking Vengeance and We will be Increasing the Amount of Content as a Direct Result. Stay Tuned and Thank You to Our Fans for Tolerating Our Erratic Brand of Insanity.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

Where Ever You Go There You Are

It’s No Secret that I have a Extremely Low Opinion of the Human Race and People in General. I avoid People as much as fucking possible unless I absolutely have to Interact with Them. Recently a Friend of Mine had a Falling Out with one of Their Long Time Friends, and when I heard the Story I gave My Honest, Straight to the Point, No Holds Barred Opinion since I Don’t Pull My Punches. After We talked My Friend suggested I write a Post about it, and so here I am Doing just That.

The Backstory: My Buddy Who I will call “Bob” got a Text from His Long Time Friend I will call “Phil” who unbeknownst to Bob had totally fucked up His Life in Texas. So being one of those People that Blames Everything and Everybody for Their shitty Life, BUT THEMSELVES. That being so Phil decided to up and move to Florida. Phil believes that His moving  would Magically Fix everything Wrong in His Life just by Relocating. The Problem is Phil hasn’t figured out the fact that Wherever You Go You There You Are. Point being You can’t out run Your Problems because You are the One creating the Perceived Problems, and until You work out Your issues They will stick with You no matter where the fuck You may Go.

              

The problem arose when after Impulsively agreeing to let Phil and His Girlfriend crash at His House Bob resized He had made a Mistake. In all due Favor Phil contacted Bob and informed Him of His Situation a mere 3 Hours before planning to arrive at Bob’s House. Phil also just fucking Assumed that Bob would Automatically let Him, His Girlfriend, and all Their Stay at His House. With COVID running amok across America, and a Wife with Pre Existing Medical Conditions Bob realized it be Far too Dangerous (not to mention Idiotic as all Hell) for Phil to Stay with Him. Bob felt bad and Offered to Pay for Phil’s Hotel Room, and Apologized Profusely for His Mistake/Lapse in Judgment, and here is the Final Text Phil sent Bob before Cutting Off all Further Communication.

“Never blamed the virus on you, but still can’t believe that we were turned away after 2 days of hell on the road. I’ve known you for almost 20 years and  “Roberta”(Bob’s Wife) for almost 10 years, it’s not like I’m a total stranger. I know she (Roberta) has never met Amanda (Phil’s Girlfriend), but she is super cheerful and careful because I also have a weakened immune system. We don’t take this Virus Lightly. Can’t believe you couldn’t vouch for us after all we’ve been through and hate that you’re controlled all the time. I know the virus is scary but we were trusting you enough to stay over at your house. Evidently there was no trust in return.”

Well Holy Motherfucking Shit this Text is so Twisted and Ass Backwards I barely Know where the fuck to begin, so I’ll just Start at the Beginning.

              

Phil starts with the Statement that He doesn’t Blame the Virus on Bob well isn’t that fucking Nice of Him. Phil then bitches/Complains about He’s “Hellish” road trip from Texas to Florida. That has absolutely NOTHING to do with Bob at all as Bob didn’t tell You to move or to relocate to Florida that was all Phil’s doing. Phil just comes off like a whiny little Brat who gets angry if He can’t do whatever it is He wants to do which for a grown man is Utterly Pathetic to say the least.

The Next point of Phil’s about being friends with Bob for 20 years and shit is Ridiculous. If Phil was actually as Good a Friend as He apparently claims to be (not to mention for 20 fucking years) He’d understand why Bob had to change His Plan. I mean it’s just A GLOBAL PANDEMIC where America has become the Epicenter , and the Fact Phil was coming from one of the Worst COVID States in the Nation doesn’t Help His argument. That and He stopped over in Mississippi where a shit ton of People like Phil use as the Half Way Point it too is a Highly Infectious Area. The lastly Phil is traveling through Florida yet another Entire fucking State that’s a fucking Hotspot. SO to recap Phil went from Texas to a Well Used Half way stopping point for other COVIDIOTS, and then Travels through Half of Florida just to get to Bob’s House.

Talk about High fucking Risk, and as far as I know Phil nor His Girlfriend where following Coronavirus Protocol like Social Distancing or Wear a goddamn Mask. For All Anyone Knows Phil didn’t practice the recommended Safety Protocols at all, and could have encountered/Interacted/Hung Out with Who fucking knows how many People during his 48 hours on the Road. Not like Any of US was There.

              

Phil then makes the utterly Asinine comment that He “Isn’t a Stranger” as if that means that some how by Knowing Bob thats means Phil and His Girlfriend aren’t an High Risk Factor for Infection. The Fact Their Friends doesn’t even Factor into it, it was just a way of Phil trying to make Bob feel Guilty. Guilty for what exactly for Protecting His Wife and Himself from again A MOTHERFUCKING GLOBAL PANDEMIC that has KILLED over 138,ooo fucking Americans Alone?! Trying to manipulate Your Friend with Guilt to Me means They were Never a Real Friend to fucking begin with, I mean who the fuck does that Immature Childish Shit?!!

Then Phil talks about His Girlfriend who first and foremost is allegedly a Very Cheerful Person. Oh I’m fucking Sorry is being fucking Cheerful a Coronavirus Deterrent, NO IT FUCKING ISN’T. Phil’s Girlfriend’s cheerfulness is a COMPLETELY MOOT POINT as it means fuck all in this Situation. Then Phil say His Girlfriend is Careful, and I’m calling BULLSHIT BIGT IME on that Stupid Statement. If She was in Fact Careful then She would have stayed Self Quarantined in Texas, and Not Travel 2 Days across some of the Most Infected fucking Areas there are Currently. She would have realized the UNNECESSARY and Dangerous Risk a Trip like that would Pose. Traveling was the RISKIEST thing to do during a fucking Global Pandemic, and the Safest would to be to Stay Put and Self Quarantine. Careful My Ass.

                

Phil then adds to the Idiocy buy saying that He has a Weakened Immune System or Pre Exisiting Condition which make Him at the Highest Rick of Coronavirus Infection. Again with a weakened Immune system WHY THE FUCK would You take a 2 Day Road Trip? That makes ZERO SENSE and was an Incredible Stupid thing to do. Also if His Girlfriend was careful She would have NEVER allowed Him to Leave, BUT She didn’t She went with Him. Phil then has the balls to claim that He and His Girlfriend don’t take the Virus Lightly well Again We see Phil’s Actions are the EXACT OPPOSITE of what He’s Claiming. Not to Beat a Dead Horse, BUT taking a fucking Road Trip currently IS THE GODDAMN EPITOME  of taking it Lightly.

The Phil mentions Bob not Vouching for Him, but Vouching for what Exactly?! Vouching that Phil is Trustworthy, a Good Employee, or that He’s COVID Free in spite of the Extenuating Circumstances?! There’s No fucking Context so the whole Vouching For deal is Nonsensical Horseshit. Then Phil claims that Bob is “Controlled all the Time” whatever the fuck that means. What Bob is being controlled by Aliens, Evil Spirits, The New World Order, The Military, The Government, CIA, or Some Evil Entity?! Serious what the fuck is Phil babbling about here I have No fucking Idea I just know its 100% Irrelevant to the Conversation.

                

Finally right at the very fucking end of His Lengthy Text Phil admits or Acknowledges that the Coronavirus is indeed Scary. Well thats News to Me since Phil’s Actions Speak FAR LOUDER than His Feeble Words. Then all of a Sudden Phil Says “We Were Trusting You to Stay at Your House” like Bob, His Wife or His House was the Safety Issue?! It’s Phil and His Girlfriend that Pose the Threat to Bob and His Wife, Yet Phil seems to be trying some Role Reversal Tactic which is a SERIOUS PUNKASS BITCH OF A MOVE. Then Phil goes back to attempting to Guilt Bob with the last line pertaining to Trust.

Phil has the fucking Nerve to bring up the Subject of Trust?  If I was Friends with Someone for 20 fucking Years I’d Trust though They may be Disappointed They would TOTALLY UNDERSTAND Why. The Fact Phil is Bitching, Guilt Tripping, and All Out Arguing the Facts around the Pandemic thats Affecting goddamn Everything (Not just Phil although He seems to Feel He is the Only Asshole on the Planet. Hey Phil YOUR NOT ALONE) just make Phil look like a Really Shitty Friend. Phil is being so Shitty over the Situation most People would immediately reconsider Their Friendship with Phil. Who wants a So Called Friend that Acts like an ABSOLUTE AND UTTER SELFISH SELF CENTERED FUCKWIT??? Phil need to get the fuck Over Himself, Man Up, and Take Responsibility for His Life Not Running Around picking Fights with His Friends for Fuck’s Sake.

              

More Proof People are fucking Idiots. I seriously wonder Sometimes how the hell Humanity has made it this fucking Far without Going Extinct due to Our Own Mistakes, Behavior, and Overall Shitty Attitude. We Pollute the Water, Air and Land while Killing Off Entire Species, and Constantly Trying to Kill Each other its Amazing Humanity has somehow (I assume due to Dumb Luck) hasn’t Gone the Way of the Dinosaurs.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober   

Meet The Goddamn Gallows

Meet the Unique and Almost indescribable Bands of Today The Goddamn Gallows.

Members:

  • Mickey Classic: Vocals and Guitar
  • Fishgutzzz: Vocals and Stand Up Bass
  • Uriah Baker (aka Baby Genius): Drums
  • Avery: Washboard and Accordion (Joined in 2009)
  • Jake Orvis: Banjo and Mandolin (Joined in 2009)

The Goddamn Gallows originated in Lansing Michigan in 2004 when the Three Original Founding Members Mikey Classic, Fishgutzz, and Amanda Kill (who was the Band’s original drummer until replace by Uriah Baker ) met During a Violent Face Scarring Flophouse Fight against Benton Gangbangers.

From  The Goddamn Gallows were Raised on the Road Migrating like  Nomads as They Toured America Playing Gigs. During 2007 to 20011 While Traveling the Nation The Band lived in Broken Down Vans, Storage Units, Abandoned Buildings, Fleabag Dive Motels, Shitty Shoebox Apartments, Homeless Tent Cities, and Squatter Camps. The Band Drove whatever Piece of Shit could get Them to the Next Show, and built a Reputation for Their Live Performances. In 2009 The Band added Avery and Jake Orvis to the Lineup looking to Enhance Their sound.

The Goddamn Gallows Music is as Eclectic and Eccentric as The Band Members Themselves. The Band’s Music is/has been Described as a Blend of the Following: Psychobilly, Punk, Rock’n Roll, Metal, Hardcore, Celtic Punk, Cow Punk, Hobocore, Americana, Rockabilly, Blue Grass, Punk Rock, and Gutterbilly.

FYB has assembled Four of Our favorite Goddamn Gallows Songs, and Their Unconventional Cover of England’s Black/Death Metal Pioneers Venom’s song Classic In League With Satan.

All Videos were Filmed at Live at Various Concerts from over the Years and are as Follows:

  1. Ya’all Motherfuckers Need Jesus
  2. 7 Devils
  3. The Maker
  4. Howlin’ Wind
  5. In League With Satan (Venom Cover)

Thanks for Watching/Listening

  Presented By Les Sober

Conflicting Karma Continues

As some Reader’s may be aware July was a real fucker, but for those who don’t heres a quick summation.

My 10 year old plus Vehicle took a huge shit returning from a rather kick ass road trip. It was asshole of an Alternator so. Next day the Check Transmission light came on, after a waste of my time transmission was fixed. That didn’t happen, a part within the transmission “blew” (the Transmission Guy’s words interpret as you will), and We had to cancel a Birthday Road trip for my Wife.l. Thank Fuck for WARRANTIES! All good Now.

Meanwhile my Wife’s  10 year old Car was at the point where We weren’t going to put another fucking nickel into it. It be an utter waste to invest anymore money in a car that was showing its age, had some minor issues, and some mysterious electrical problem (Toyota Dealer Mechanics couldn’t figure out what exactly it was). We went online like assholes and discovered the electrical issues more than likely was the for warning of a Failing Fuel Pump. The Fuel Pump would cost $1,800 alone so it be $2,000 and change by the end of it for Labor, Taxes, and extraneous bullshit.

So my Wife felt unsafe driving her car anymore so it was the next step is trade this thing in before it takes a total shit on us leaving us out one car. It sucked like nothing else on this planet, it is a truly unique suck. Overtime you had to turn her car on you prayed it fucking start, and then while your driving the son of a bitch you were praying it wouldn’t break down for the last fucking time.

After We had to cancel my Wife’s awesome Birthday Road Trip do to emergency transmission issue reoccurrence. Luckily my Wife had already jumped on the new car train and thoroughly researched various cars she was interested in. And since she knew what she had a top 5 list we decided to check out Dealerships that had one, some or all of the her said choices.

Now to get to any actual real Dealership (Podunk Mitch’s Auto Super Sales holds no water whatsoever.) were all an hour away in the Shitty City. So off we went to check out some possible options for a new car for My Wife. The road to the Shitty City sucks King Kong Cock to drive on. Its currently 2 lanes of heavy traffic bumper to pumper type shit, but they are also doing what seems to be a 1,000 year construction project. This apparently never ending road work requires a wall of cement barricades be lined up like a poor man’s Great Wall preventing all traffic from turning right even say in an emergency attempt to avoid being hit by some jack ass driver.

With that fucking said about half way down the road to the Shitty City to go car shop for my Wife we were spectacularly hit by one of those previously mentioned Jack Ass Drivers.

As We were driving in the left lane next to the cement barriers that went on for fucking miles upon miles when I hear my Wife say something. Now it was;t what she said that got my attention it was the tone of voice she was using. It was the “Oh fuck this shit isn’t gonna be good” type of tone. So I looked over to see her looking over right before the Jack Ass Driver took the fucking rearview mirror of in an explosive fashion.

The Jack Ass Driver pulled into the median and we followed suit. For obvious safety reasons I exited through the Drivers Door to avoid the very real risk of getting plastered by any one of the millfucktillion speeding motherfuckers.

When my Wife got out god bless her she was rattled as the Snake, but overtly concerned about the overall well being of the Jack Ass that just side wiped the holy hell out of us. I scramble out of the drivers side like a baby calf being born and immediately go fucking Nuclear. I started screaming “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”, “FUCK WHERE YOU DOING?!!”, and “YOU TOTALLY FUCKED UP OUR CAR WHAT THE FUCK?!”

It turned out the Jack Ass Driver was in fact a young girl about or around 17 or 18 who was driving her father’s fucking massive SUV so there was no damage to her vehicle not a single fucking scratch. She was quite upset as this was her first accident ever apparently.

Now this wasn’t my first accident by far, but man it was a doozy. The Girl had first hit the Drivers side rear quarter panel. Then her dad’s SUV scrapped across the rear driver’s side door shredding the god living shit out of it. Next the same deal with the driver’s door, and ending with the rearview mirror being completely amputated.

I contacted our insurance people, My Wife called the Cops, and the Girl was Calling Her Parents then Insurance company.

All the while all I could think was that while I did under  my anger I did feel bad for this girl it was totally fucked how different our realities were. For her she would return home shaken but safe, possibly have to pay her Dad back for the fucking hefty ticket, and perhaps lose her driving privileges for I dunno couple weeks to a month?!

Meanwhile for my Wife and I it meant whole lot more. It meant that this crappy kid driver (who was fucking with her phone more than not) had absolutely fucked us out of the last thing we had going (the trade in value) in the “Battle of the Old Ass Cars” because we could live without one, BUT that meant we still needed one safe and reliable car for work to pay the fucking bills.

We then spent the next fucking hour or so baking in the median while again trying not to get fucking killed by the mad ass drivers on the highway. Finally a fucking Cop shows the hell up. This dick gets both my Wife’s and the Girls licenses and announces we’re going to drive to the next exit to a gas station (if you decided not to show he had all the info needed to issue a warrant mind you), and sort things out because and I quote ‘We don’t want to get killed out here.” Now while that makes perfect fucking sense the reality of it is He knew it was dangerous. YET he had no fucking issue leaving us stranded out there for an hour. Fucking Cops.

We drove to the gas station where the Cop ticketed the Girl, the Girl’s goddamn parents show up, My Wife is way too nice, I continued  aggressively venting about how fucked up all this fucked up shit is, and we all went our separate ways.

In the End: We got my Wife a fucking AWESOME NEW CAR the next day, and (My Vehicle has remained issue free as well) thanks to the accident the Girl’s insurance cut us a check for couple thousand and change (plus we did manage to get some cash for the trade in but it barely beat the Junk Yard) so we end up coming out ahead. Can’t argue when life throws you a bone rather than a bastard.

Thanks for Reading, Les Sober.

(P.S. THIS IS THE LAST POST ABOUT FUCKING CARS.)

From Catastrophe Into Conundrum to Conclusion

A few posts back I mentioned My Car took a complete shit on me rendering it useless. I ended up getting it to a Garage where they replaced the Alternator so sucked, but no big deal. I then picked the Car up and drove the 2 hours back home. That should have been the end of the fucking story. Its My Car so it was far from being over.

A day after I get My Car home the goddamn CHECK TRANSMISSION Light starts blinking like an epileptic on Meth. I took it home, parked it, and waited for a chance to take it to my Home Town shop. I finally got My chance on Friday of that week, and I took it in.

The receptionist asked the obligatory “What can we do for you?”, and My Wife told here verbatim “The Check Transmission Light is Blinking so we brought it in.”

Now because it was around 2:30-3:00 pm they stated the obvious that the Car wouldn’t be gotten to until Monday. See I live in a Micro Podunk Town out in the Woods, and around here Mechanics (among many others) are Closed all Weekend.

I called the Shop late Monday afternoon to get a progress report if you will. The Receptionist said He (the Mechanic presumably) was playing catch up as best he could. Now I don’t know for sure but she kept saying “Him” as if they only had one Mechanic which would make sense around these parts. My confusion comes from the Fact that I’ve seen a couple of Mechanics who apparently work there, and its a 8 bay Garage. Who fucking knows  anyway.

I decided not to call Tuesday because the Mechanic obviously was over whelmed with work at the moment. Wednesday was the 4th of July so they were closed which again around here thats just par of the course.

I called them on Thursday, and still the Mechanic hadn’t had a chance to look at it. The receptionist did mention that the Mechanic had had a few free minutes, and was going to run some quick diagnostic test, BUT the machine he was going to use had a dead battery so that was the end of that.

She then let me know the Mechanic was working his ass off Monday, and Tuesday he was at “The Funeral”(this is a prime example of Mirco Town Life. I mean the Receptionist just assumed I knew the person or I at least knew who the hell they were, that they had in fact died, when the funeral was, and that I very well might be attending.), and Wednesday was a National Holiday. Point being its Shitty Timing.

Come Friday I call ONCE AGAIN, and the Receptionist tells me the Problem is the Transmission. WELL NO FUCKING SHIT SHERLOCK. My Wife told her exactly that when we dropped the fucking thing off A WEEK AGO YOU ASSHOLE. That wasn’t all though there was more bullshit coming.

The Bullshit I’m referring to is what the Receptionist tells me next. She tells me that “They” will do SOME Transmission work, BUT there are certain repairs they won’t touch with a ten foot fucking pole. And lucky Me My Car had one of the issues “They” wouldn’t fuck with.

She then refers me to a Shop a few towns over about 45 minutes away that they’ve had a long and extensive relationship Blah Blah fucking Blah. The problem is once again its Friday afternoon so My Wife was working and by the time she got off the Transmission Shop would be closed. And once again we found that the Transmission Shop was CLOSED all weekend.

I parked my Car at a near by piece of property owned by a Family Member. I didn’t want to drive the fucker because I didn’t want to exacerbate the issue just like you wouldn’t want to aggravate an injury.

Come Monday I drove my Car to the Transmission Shop. We walked in the office to find no one there. After standing there for 10 minutes like an Asshole a Shop Mechanic popped in to say the Office Guy is out test driving a customer’s car and will be back soon. This pissed me off to the point I went outside for a smoke to avoid acting like a real dick.

As I finished my smoke a greasy looking guy pulls in, and I assume this is this MIA front desk dude. As I’m walking back the office the Guy calls to me. I walk over and he asks me whats up, and I precede to tell him my transmission light was on I took it in to “I’m not mention their actual name” Shop and they said they wouldn’t do the needed repair so they sent me here.

This asshole looks me dead in they eye and says “We don’t work on Transmissions.” WHAT THE FUCK, YOU OWN A TRANSMISSION ONLY SHOP SO PARDON FUCKING ME??!!! I again feel a over whelming rage coming over me so I told him my Wife was in the office.

We went in and apparently there was a possible issue with the type of Transmission my car had.This is what had led to the Odd statement made by the Greasy Guy, BUT IN REALITY My car had a absolutely STANDARD TRANSMISSION so YEAH THEY COULD FIX IT.

Why the Greasy Guy jumped the diagnostic gun I have not a fucking clue.

I left the car there where the Greasy Guy would run further diagnostics and a drive it to see 1st hand what was going on. What lowered my blood pressure was when the Greasy Guy said he’d do the diagnostics for free. That saved me $90-$120 right there.

Later that Morning The Greasy Guy called me. He told me he couldn’t get an exact pin point on the problem with the Diagnostic Machines so He was going to have to remove the Transmission and “Tinker with it” and take a look.

He then told me how much he charged for this and it stopped me in my tracks because the additional charge was utterly going to fuck up my financial set up as it were. I got lucky again when he informed me that that money WOULDN’T be an ADDITIONAL COST as it would be put words the price of the repair.

I talked to the Greasy Guy Tuesday who said he had NO IDEA who the hell I drove my Car to his shop. See once he removed the Transmission, and opened it up a shit ton of its parts fell the fuck out all over the garage floor. The Transmission was THRASHED.

He said he could rebuild it, and that would fix any and all Transmission issues. I called my Wife to confer. My Wife and I had been spending our free time wondering if it could be repaired or did it need to be replaced all together. At the same time we were playing the “Price of Repair Vs. Getting a New Car in the Battle of Whats The Best Financial Strategy.

I asked The Greasy Guy if he did do the repairs or whatever would the car be reliable (in all due favor its a Older Car) or would investing the money in a New Car be a better Idea. No one wants to make the mistake of holding on to an aging car and end up dumping way too much money into its ongoing list go repairs.

The Greasy Guy said outside of the shitty Transmission that the car was in great shape, and would be good car for quite awhile on. I then authorized him to repair it, and He said he’d be in touch.

I waited but didn’t hear shit Wednesday and din’t bother calling either.

I called The Greasy Guy Today and he reported that the Transmission had been rebuilt, reinstalled, BUT the Mechanic working on it gave it a test drive and had heard an unusual noise. The Greasy Guy was going to test drive it himself, and then put it back up on a lift to take a look. He said he’d be in touch in a couple of hours.

At this point in the game I was loosing my fucking mind. WHAT could possibly be the Problem now? Its been over 2 weeks total I’ve not had my car and Our Micro Town doesn’t have Public Transportation in any form whatsoever, No Taxi or Professional Car Services, and No Uber so without my car I’ve been isolated out at the Lake. All I can say is CABIN FEVOR IS VERY FUCKING REAL.

The Greasy Guy called back an hour or so later to tell me everything had been sorted out and that I could pick up my Car tomorrow anytime after 10:00am.

I couldn’t be Happier.

Thanks for Reading,

  Les Sober

The Stranded and The Strange

My Wife and I were on our way home Sunday evening, and 2 hours from home (just short of the State Line) started acting up.

We stopped briefly to let the Dog make a shirt in the dirt, and when we got back in the car wouldn’t turn over though it was trying. So we luckily added Road Side Assistance to my Auto Insurance Policy so I didn’t feel real shitty about the car being problematic. We called the Insurance Company only to find out that they can’t tow the car until tomorrow, AND they had a asinine NO DOGS in Truck Rule. What that meant was I could get my car home yet my Wife and I were still stuck looking for a way home.

There is always one person you can rely on and thats your Mother. Unless Your Me. I couldn’t reach my Mother by phone or text, so I decided to continue texting. She finally responded by informing me she couldn’t talk (though she was made well aware that this was an emergency situation) but hey good luck and keep your chin up. Apparently what I have learned along the way this time is my ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY HAS NO IDEA WHAT THE DEFINITION OF AN EMERGENCY IS. They seem to think an Emergency is the exact same as a Favor. At that point I stopped trying to communicate with her.

Being that we live in a rather Rural area there are NO BUSES, TRAINS, SUB WAYS or TAXI/CAR SERVICES. All I could think of was to try Uber in spite of my opinion of Uber which was and is its a good idea on Paper, BUT with the World’s shittiest Real Life Application. Since like I said we live out in the fucking Woods there was only ONE SINGLE UBER DRIVER in the ENTIRE COUNTY. We scheduled the Uber but when she showed up she immediately informed us she WOULD NOT take us to our actual destination because it was to far for her. I already being an Uber Hater felt even more justified in my disgust of all things Uber.

Since as I said having limited choices of just one We took the Uber Driver up on her offer to give us a lift about an hour down the road which was better than nothing which we had in spades. The ride ended when We ended up AT South of the Boarder the Timelessly Racist Truck Stop meets a Motel, Mall, and Attractions (i.e. Live Reptiles and the Famous Sombrero Tower). The Uber Driver was absolutely awe struck by all the Tacky Tourist Neon Lighting that lit up South of The Boarder like a Poor White Trash version of Vegas.

Again I started an attempt once again to try and get a ride from my Mother who continued to ask if we had though of, and then went on to describe every fucking scenario to see if we actually had. Desperately I tried not to curse Her out for her interpretation of what an Emergency is. All I’m saying is if you fucking fall off a fucking ladder, and call 911 your not asking them for a favor.

My Mother is fixated then on utterly pointless points saying We should get a Hotel room, and I told her that the RIDE emergency would be the SAME the next morning as WE WOULD STILL BE STRANDED. There wouldn’t be any New Options springing up over fucking night or anything.

The Uber Driver started to feel a bit guilty, but I think she actually felt shitty about dropping us off still up the Shit’s Creek without a Paddle. Well whatever her reasoning was she offered to drive us another 46 miles down the road to the next town putting us about 100 miles or so from Our Home Office. We obviously agree and thank her because the cliche was ringing true in “Something is better than nothing”.

The Driver called to Uber Office because it wouldn’t allow her to sign on and accept the ride. She proceeded to launch into a interesting debate with the Uber Office Rep that lasted the better part of an hour. She was one of those cell phone types that likes to talk on her phone while its on speaker so I was privy to BOTH sides of the Argument as it were.

Long story short Our Driver had crossed a State Line which made Her exempt from accepting Uber Calls, and there was absolutely NO WAY around it. This was kind of fucked as our Driver pointed out the original call Uber sent her way was over a state line so why would they NOW make an issue of it (Point being bottom line some Asshole at Uber has no fucking clue about Geography local or otherwise, and is apparently too stupid to utilize a GPS or an Old School Paper Map)

When it was all said and done We settled on the Ride down the Road for $20 cash and called it a night. FUCK UBER (Not the Drivers mind you). As We got in the car I shot my Mother a text letting her know the current state of affairs, and she texted me back to give her a call when we arrived at our next destination. Our next destination was the Red Roofie Inn we had our Uber Driver drop us at, thanked her for her help, and she drove off into the night.

Luckily for us We had called ahead just in case to make sure the Red Roofie Inn took Dogs and had a Vacancy  which they did. Before totally giving up we hit up Uber one more time, and we were in luck there were 3 Uber Drivers  in this County so that was a definite plus. We caught another break when one of said in area Uber came by to discuss if we could broker a ride (Apparently Drivers can say no to Dogs which is their right its I just don’t know why Uber doesn’t tell them up front.)

BOTTOMLINE: Uber is Unreliable because No Ride is Guaranteed due to World Class Shitty Communication between Uber and its Drivers.

This Uber Driver’s usual Van was in the Shop so she had a hell of a Loaner, I’m not a car guy by any means so I don’t remember the name, but this car had ALL these Dope  bells and whistles. This time we got a Driver who was born for Uber like she walked right out of a Uber Ad itself. To say she was an enthusiastic driver would be a horrendous understatement. So off we sped into the night breathing a massive sigh of relief. Then I got a Text.

You see my Mother had requested that I text her when I arrived at our latest destination, but I forgot because at that point what was the point really. The text was asking where we were, and I texted back we had caught an another Uber and were in route to our Home Office. She then announces that she is on her way having taken 3 and a half hours of aggravation to suit up in her armor, mount her white Horse and fucking help us.

I showed the Text to my Wife because at this point I just didn’t give a fuck about anything other than we were finally on our way back to our Home Offices. My Wife texted with my Mother and arranged for us to meet up with her at a designated exit at a Gas Station. We arrived and thanked our awesome Uber Driver and loaded up into my Mother’s Car.

I don’t remember the ride as I tuned my Mother out being that I was still confused, frustrated, and angry that this whole shit show came full circle after HOURS of unnecessary stress. We finally arrived at our Home Offices at 1:37 am instead of our original ETA of 9:00 pm.

Alls Well that Ends Well I suppose.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober  

Text Poetry That No One Should Read

WARNING DEAR READER:

Even though We here at f-yourblog.com have an open letter statement posted that has a section pertaining to content. The Following Post is the reason We have said section. THIS IS THE MOST OFFENSIVE and OBSCENE Post to date. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

In the past I have posted a couple of SpaceDog’s and my Late Night Text Conversations. I was recently on a road trip that had me headed into SpaceDog’s neck f the Woods. So I texted Him a short 4 line limerick that then gave birth to an entire poem written on spontaneously on the spot while stuck in a real bumper fucker of a traffic jam. A few minutes later SpaceDog hit me back with a Nasty bit of Poetry of His own also pertaining to the same person. See one of the things SpaceDog and I have in common are a bunch of people we both Hate and Despise to NO END WHATSOEVER. To handle this deep disgust We mock these people viciously in an arena where NOTHING IS OFF LIMITS EVER.

Here is My Poem I sent SpaceDog:

THE BAD ASS BALLAD OF BRITTANY:

People laugh and people scoff,

But Brittany cut her pussy off,

She’d have Wild Fetish fits,

While Strange Men shit on her Tits,

She used so much lube She bought Stock,

While sucking on an Old Man’s Cock,

She’d fuck you till you bounced off the Walls,

She’d Swallow, Eat Ass, and Gargle Balls,

When She heard of Bukaki,

She said “thats for ME!”,

She always had problems with her legging,

When some Dude’s Ass She was Furiously Pegging,

No Secret Brittany Licked some Slit,

Nibbled on Crackhead Clit,

She Shot Heroin that was Top Notch,

She injected into her stank Crotch,

Filled with Pervert’s Jizz,

She Loves The Biz,

Now She has Lost All Hope,

She’s Sucking Dick for Dope,

Made Her money on her Back,

Spent it all Smoking Crack,

Her Vag is riddled with STDs of Every Kind,

She’s Drinking Mad Dog 20/20 to unwind,

She’s Pregnant again and She Knows the Institution,

She’ll go back to The Free Clinic for her 100th Abortion,

She’s a 3 Hole Super Slut,

Mouth, Vag, and The Butt,

She sits on the corner smoking a PCP Laced Blunt,

While Passerby’s on the Street gag at the smell of Her Cunt,

It looked like a sloppy Hot Roast Beef between Her legs,

As Her Live In Gimp Grovels, Moans, and Begs,

She can Cream Pie like no other,

She once even fucked Her own Mother,

Started a Porno Web Cam,

Where She’d eat Her Sister’s Clam,

She’ll fuck every last one of the 42 of us,

As Long You don’t mind Her Pussy Puss,

Her Scab covered Genitalia,

Just the Smell Could Kill Ya,

She’d let you Tittie fuck Her for just a Dollar,

You could finish on her face and its No Bother,

She would go insane if you wanted to run a train,

Just as Her Baby was Aborted so was Her Feeble Brain,

Gang Bangs made Her Wet,

Bath Salt Abuse made Her Forget,

Molested by Her Step Brother,

Preformed Oral sex on her Mother,

A Homeless Alcoholic Hooker,

As a D-List Stripper No One would Book Her,

She loved taking Golden Showers,

She’d sell Her body at all hours,

She can really go to town taking on a Taint,

She does shit that makes Hardcore Porn Stars Faint,

She has to be to remain the Rim Job Queen,

She was a regular at The No Tell Motel,

In Her Own Ejaculation Soaked Hell,

She was a truly Bitter a real  Bitch,

Who’s pounded out pussy tended to Itch,

Her Vaginal fuck Flaps hung down by Her dirt covered Knees,

A Vile of Crack would pop out of Her Ass when She would sneeze,

Track Marks under Her Muff,

Taking 56 cocks a day can be rough,

She would Masturbate in a Fury,

Behind the Dumpster in the Ally,

She’s fuck you for Food,

She’ll fuck a Girl, a Sheep, and a Dude,

She was a Donkey Show Star,

At the Sleaziest Bar,

So absolutely fucked up and utterly Dumb,

No wonder The Stupid Slut is coated in Cum,

She  used to shoot Golf Balls out of Her Snatch,

And Golf Tee’s out Her Ass just to Match,

She’s Dirty, disease ridden Prostitute,

There is NO Dispute,,

She used to run through Police Barricades,

While Screaming “I have FULL BLOWN AIDS!”,

She constantly Battled the Clap,

Under a Bridge SHe’d take a Nap,

She was a Tramp among Tramps,

She’d take Cash, Drugs, or Food Stamps,

She just a low rent junkie,

a Drug Mule Flunky,

A rotten, scummy Hell of a Gutter Whore,

I hit the Road, I could stand Her NO MORE.

 

What? You were Warned So if your Offended in any way…..

For those Reader’s who are around I will be posting SpaceDog’s Reply Poem Tomorrow without Fail Friends.

Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober