Tag: Rome

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (26/365)

As it turned out The Dueling Ted Nugents clashing in a Inflatable Kiddie Pool filled with Spam turned out to be quite Anticlimactic. As instead of flat out Brawling the Two Teds were having a choreographed Fight which looked to be a Hybrid of Professional Wrestling and Kung Fu. To make it suck even worse They were fighting in a Slow Motion Matrix Style Rip Off.

Lee couldn’t tolerate the Slow Motion Slaughterfest in Spam a moment longer so He opted to take a leak. Lee descended the Stair case back into the Dismal Lobby where He searched for the Restroom Door. Lee located it at last over on the Far Wall past the crappy Concession Stand.

        

Once Lee reached the Restroom Door He pushed it open only to discover it didn’t lead to an actual Bathroom, But to the Cramped Trash Packed Ally  next to the Theater. Lee figured when in Rome (or an Ally in Rome in this Case), and walked over to the nearest Dumpster. Lee was being extremely cautious no to step on any of the Garbage that was strewn about the Ally. The last fucking thing Lee needed was to catch Hepatitis or Herpies in addition to witnessing this ridiculous Performance Art absurdity.

Lee went back into the Theater and returned to His seat. Once seated Lee noticed the Two Teds had vacated the Stage, and the Next Act was now on Stage. Thank fuck thought Lee taking a piss had been the perfect way to avoid anymore Spam induced Shit. On Stage there was a Man who looked to be in His fifties suffering from a classic case of Male Pattern Baldness leaving His remaining hair looking like a Common Clown Wig.

        

He was Shirtless and Lee was truly dumbfounded by how much fucking Body Hair this Guy had. There was so much hair that it looked to Lee like this Guy had missed a step or two in the Evolutionary Process. Serious Lee thought this Guy must be the Subject of a ton of Bigfoot Sightings, and the Unknowing Star of hundreds of Sensational Bigfoot Captured on Film Videos. Lee figured that a real live Specimen of a Bigfoot is essentially a Cryptozoologist’s Wet Dream come True.

The Man who too Lee’s disappointment was wearing a pair of Kaki Slacks instead of say Shorts or possibly a swim suit who fucking knew in a Venue like this One Lee found Himself in currently. The Man on Stage also had on a Pair of Black Dress Shoes so Lee couldn’t see how Big win fact this dudes feet were, and couldn’t help wondering if the Black Shoes were intentional to hide perhaps this Guys Big Feet?!

      

The an went over to the Side of the Stage to retrieve a couple of Saw Horses, a 2 by 4, a 5 pound Hand Held Sledge Hammer, and a Nail that honestly could have been a fucking Railroad Tie. The Man set up the Saw Horses about 4 feet apart and then He places the 2 by 4 across them like a Balance Beam. The Man then took the Nail and Put it in His mouth Sideways Biting  Down on it Gingerly. He perched the Hammer balancing it precariously at the far right end of the 2 by 4.

Once the Performer Guy had his Set Up as situated He nonchalantly took His pants off folding them delicately before placing them at His feet. Again to Lee’s dismay The Guy managed to remove His pants OVER his Shoes depriving Lee of yet another curious glance at the size of His feet.

        

The Man then pulled His Boxer Shorts down to His ankles in one fluid motion, Stood Up, Plopped His Flaccid Penis onto the 2 by 4 in front of Him, Took the Nail out of His Mouth with His left Hand, Picked up the Hammer with the Right, and the Blurted out “I GIVE YOU…THE CIRCUMCISION OF CHRIST.” before holding up both the Hammer and Nail in outstretched Arms in a Crucifix Pose.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrows Harrowing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (27/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Quiz’s Quintessential Answer Key

Do to the insanely rigorous, highly detailed, and labor intensive nature of said Quiz only the TOP 20 Answers are Listed.

For the Rest of the Answer Key Results just shoot Us a Email at fyourblog404@gmail.com that simply says “DECODER RING”.

The Grading System is Strait Forward: Each Alphabetical Letter has been assigned a Numerical Value. Once You answered ALL 25 Questions You simply add up Your answers. Then check the Total against The Answer Key Located Below.

A. = 1,  B.=2,  C=3,  D=4,  E=5 and So On and So Forth.

      

The Top 25 Answers:

  • If You answers are ALL ODD: Your a fucking Wild Card. You deal in the Unconventional, and Unorthodox which leads some People to call You an Innovative Genius or Batshit Crazy. Your intensity drives Your Creativity, but if left unchecked it spiral out of Control words Self Destruction. Your walking an EXTREMEly thin line between Your own Personal Utopia or Your own Personal Hell on Earth. Remember Swords only have Two Sides.

      

  • If Your Answers were ALL EVEN: Your a walking talking Text Book Personality. Your Bland and Mundane the equivalent of a Blank piece of Copier Paper .You never allowed Yourself to Be Yourself, and thus suffocated  your Personality under Your own self implemented Restrictions. Break The Cookie Cutter that Molded You and Find Yourself before its TOO LATE. DOn’t let Your fucking disappointment drive You into the Grave of Regret.

      

  • If You Scored 1-24: Your indecisive I bet You take fucking forever to make a discussion. STOP ANALYZING EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE! Rock The Fucking Boat and Live DON’T JUST EXIST.

      

  • If Your Scored a 25: Break out the Tin Foil and Start making Hats, and Hanging Coat Hangers from Your Ceiling because Your about to be ABDUCTED BY MOTHERFUCKING ALIENS.

      

  • If You Scored 26-29: You will Travel to The Land of the Rising Sun more commonly known as Japan. You will go to Climb to the Summit of Mount Fuji. Unfortunately for You You hike through the Northwestern Flank of Mt. Fuji through Aokigahara Forrest or as its more commonly known The Suicide Forrest. Aokigahara is Notoriously known as the  WORLD’S SECOND MOST POPULAR SUICIDE LOCATION. You like so many others will simply Vanish never to be seen again. NO SWIMMING IN THE SEA OF TREES KIDS.

  • If You Scored a 30: Your a Trendy Hipster. Commercialism Defines You, YOU ARE YOUR POSSESSIONS. Your a fucking Sheep moseying to the Slaughter as it were. You should seriously think about doing the ENTIRE WORLD a fucking Favor and Hurry up and Die. Sorry You just SUCK that BAD.

      

  • If  You Scored a 31-39: Your Genetically Prone to Bear Attack so watch Your ass in the Woods. Smokey is NO Friend of Yours I assure You of that. He too is a Bear and will maul You possibly to Death just like Yogi or Boo Boo.

      

  • If You Scored a 35: You Have Genital Herpies, but hey thats better than fucking AIDS. Best You Stock up on Valtex now before its TOO LATE.

      

  • If You Scored a 36-39: You Will Be Killed By Spontaneous Combustion. Wish We had some advice unfortunately there is NO RESEARCH or Reliable Available Data on the Phenomenon.

   

  • If You Scored a 40: You will be part of the Colonization of Mars so Set Phasers to Stun, and Have a Safe Trip. Happy Travels and God Speed You Black Emperor.

      

  • If You Scored 41-44: We hate to be the ones to break this to You. Your Guardian Angel is a Demon in Disguise. We Recommend You See The Catholic’s about a Exorcism or Seek out a Reki Master to rid You of this certain Divinity Based issue. Tell Linda Blair Hi For Us.

      

  • If You Scored 45: Congratulations Your Related to Caligula one of the Sickest and Twisted Roman Emperors in all of Human History. Sorry not everyone can be related to Tom fucking Cruise or some other Famous Asshole.

      

  • If You Scored 46-49: You are Destined to be killed prematurely by a Tragic and Freak Colonic Accident. Talk about the Shit Hitting the Fan.

      

  • If You Scored a 50: WINNER, WINNER CHICKEN DINNER & GIVE YOURSELF A CIGAR. Make it a Fidel Castro Turn in His Grave.

  • If You Scored a 51-54: You will make Your Fortune by Buying Pork Belly Stocks and Selling Gold (Stocks). Just ask Mortimer I’ll bet You a Dollar He’s Trade Places with You in a fucking Heart Beat baby.

      

  • If You Scored a 55: Live Like An Angel, Die Like a Demon because You will certainly be Killed By Death. We’re NOT just spitting Venom are We Lemmy.

      

  • If You Scored a 56-59: You will be the First Person in History to Invent an ACTUAL WIDGET. You can use Economics to bring it to Reality.

      

  • If You Scored a 60: Your Not Real. You Believed Yourself into Existence. You Imagined Your Fiction into Fact. Keep the Faith or Literally Fade Away.

      

  • If You Scored 61-64: Your Your Own Doppelgänger a Non Biological related look a like Double (often considered Evil or Supernatural by Nature) of a Living Person. Technically You shouldn’t even still Exist. The belief goes if One meets Their Doppelgänger They BOTH WILL CEASE TO EXIST. You see  They cancel Each other Out of Existence like adding a Positive and a Negative Number. Well at Least Germany is Nice this Time of Year.

  • If You Scored a 65: Break Out the Spandex because You will be joining an 80’s Hair Metal Cover Band destined to become Local Legends. Just be sure to Remember along the way That Every Rose Has Its Thorn.

   

  • If You Scored 66-69: Get ready You’ll be Heading to Ozzy Osbourne’s Final Final Tour when it comes to your particular Town/City. You will have seats in the First Row Front and Center, BUT OZZY will be Tripping His Balls Off on a cocktail of Hallucinogens. Under the Influence Ozzy will Hallucinate that Your a Giant Fruit Bat, and will Bite Your fucking Head Off. At Least You won’t need to get Rabies Shots.

  • If You Scored a 70: You will have an illustrious Career as a Glu Sniffing Rhine Stony Professional Line Dancing Disco Cowboy. So Break Out the BeDazzler and Go fucking Nuts!

      

  • If You Scored a 71-74: You will become The World’s First BITCOIN MULTI BILLIONAIRE, The King of Crypto Currency. Unfortunately its NOT a RECOGNIZED CURRENCY by the Rest of the World so Spending it will be impossible. At least You can treat Yourself to one hell of a Dark Web Shopping Spree.

      

  • If You Scored a 75: You will be the One to Find Jimmy Hoffa who then union discovery will make You Disappear. At least its better than finding The Infamous  Bum Farto (and YES Bum Farto is/was a Actual Real Life Person, He’s good for a Google.)

      

  • If You Scored a 76-79: You will Win a Noble Prize for Your Research and Development of Robotics. Then You will venture into Fringe Robotic Sciences and start Experimenting on Yourself. Eventually You will become a Certified Cyborg, BUT You’ll have become Addicted to Robotic Body Modification. You will keep going until You in the end are 100% Robot. Look on the bright side Perhaps SkyNet is Hiring.

      

  • If You Scored an 80: You will Abandon Your current life, Home, Friends, Family, and Possessions for a Life as a Carnie bouncing From County Fair to County Fair, and Traveling Circus to Traveling Circus. You’ll become a Functional Alcoholic with a growing Meth and Pain Killer Addiction. You will Die leaving a 90 Pound, Toothless, Jaundice Ridden, Sickly Yellow Colored Corpse. You should have Listened to Nancy fucking Regan and just said NO.

  • If You Scored a 81-84: You will get Married and have a large Family. You will still live close to Your Parents and Siblings. You will have a successful enough career in Your Profession of Choice, and as so You will want to Care for Them incase You Die suddenly. So You get a Hefty Life Insurance Policy. 6 Months Later on One of Your Family Members (possibly working with One or More additional Family Accomplices)  will Murder You for the Life Insurance Money. Remember kiddies One of the FASTEST way to get Yourself Killed is Buying Life Insurance.

      

  • If You Scored a 85: You will become hopelessly Addicted to Hardcore Fetish Pornography and as a Result You will for Go Sleep and Food until You’ve Literally Masturbate Yourself to Death. Remember Kiddies TOO MUCH of a GOOD thing can fucking kill Your ass.

  • If You Scored a 86-89: You will meet Your Idol, Murder Them, and Take Their Place. DYI Bodysnatchers.

      

  • If You Scored a 90: You will be the First and Only Person to Navigate down to the VERY BOTTOM of The Maritime Trench more than 36,201 feet Below Sea Level. You will see Wonders that No other Human has ever laid eyes on. You’ll see Aquatic Sea Creatures No One even knew Existed. You will see the Secrets Beneath The Sea no one has been able to See, but not due to a lack of trying mind You. Sad to say You will never be able to tell a single Soul what You saw as You will Be Devoured by a Undiscovered Species of Giant Predatory and Deadly Jellyfish.

      

  • If You Scored a 91: Your Fate is Sealed. You one Day take a Tour of the Distillery where Your Favorite Alcoholic Beverage is Made. During the Tour some impatient Asshole will shove His/Her way forward from the Back of the Group to the Front. Inevitably this Unknown Asshole will invariantly push You into a MASSIVE Fermentation Tank where You will Drink Yourself to a Euphoric Death while waiting to be fished out. So much for Drinking Responsibly.

      

  • If You Scored a 92: Well We’re not sure what the fuck to say really. 92 is obviously a PERFECT Score, Yet NOBODY IS IN FACT PERFECT. As far as We can tell You must be an Inter Dimensional Entity or Being from a Parallel Universe. Thats It. Thats all We got.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Absurdia Menu InTro: Meet Our World Class Staff (Head Executive Chef & Sommelier)

Our Head Exclusive Executive Chef is The World Renowned Chef Jumalallinen Syo known around the Globe for His Innovative and Unconventional Cooking Style.

Syo was born on July 22, 1929 in London England Considered The Culinary Capital of The Northern Hemisphere, and is famed for being the most Important City in The World for Restaurants.

Syo’s Father Chef Guihart Guildersleeve Syo was the number one sought  after Chefs of His Time having earned 47 Michelin Stars over the course of His 47 year Career in The Culinary Arts.

    

Growing Up Syo was only permitted to Read Cook Books, and Traveled Extensively with His Father during His formidable years Studying, Learning, practicing, and honeing His Culinary Craft.

In His Travels Syo experienced The Global Palate, and upon returning Home to England opened His first Restaurant the now Legendary La Hedoniste at the tender age of 18. La Hedoniste (French for Hedonist)  Modeled itself Aesthetically after The Great Banquets of Ancient Egypt,Grease, and Rome with a truly decadent Menu to Match the Ambiance.

    

In the following Years Syo went on to Winning The Following:

The Skanji Od Kuhanja Ward (1939)  The German’s Billig Isst Competition (1942), The Chef of Chefs Contest Title (1950), The Annual Foodie Award (1999-present),  Mongolia’s Minii Iljig Idekh Grand Master Championship held Only Once in a Decade (1980) , The Independent Press Fuck Guy Fieri Award (2015-Present), and the Prestigious Oral Academy’s Ooh La-La Grant for Culinary Creativity (2012).

Syo joined The Absurdia 24 hours after it opened in 1999, and along with His Sous Chef and (4th Cousin Removed) Sir. Chauncey Wellington has been blowing the minds of Food Critics, Fanatics, and Professionals for the past Decadent Decade Elevating Culinary Cuisine to a New Level of Palatable Perfection.

Our Exceptional Sommelier Bebado Iezersana was Born April 1, 1919 at The Highly Revered Pijak VinYard which is considered by Those in the know as The Finest Vineyard in Finland.

As a Child Growing Up Bebado’s Father Afengi Iezersana only allowed Him to Eat the Various Types of Wine Making Grapes. At the young age of 9 Bebado was given His first Glass of Wine a  PIAT Les Boudots 1928 (a Bottle of PIAT Les Boudots runs for 474,000 Euros or Over $500,000 U.S. in Today’s Market.)

At the age of 9 Bebado attended The Elite French Vin Blanc Academy where he spent the next 10 years intensively studying the Various Grapes used in the making of White Wine (such as The Sauvignon, Chardonnay, and Riesling) in excruciating  depth and detail.

Once His 10 year Tutelage ended, Bebado now 19 traveled to the remote Romanum Island,Chuuk, Micronesia to take a Decade long Internship with the reclusive “Wizard of Red Wine” Pierre La Rouge.

Having Mastered all Knowledge of Red Wine making Grapes such as the Merlot or Cabernet Sauvignon for example by age 29 once again Bebado packed up His meager belongings, and continued His Educational Adventures Abroad.

Bebado’s journey then led Him to Johannesburg South Africa in search of the Champagne Prodigy, and World’s Number One Authority on the subject of any and all things Champagne Pezsgos Alom. Under the strict mentoring of Pezsgos Alom Bebado became a Bonafide French Historian who expertise was The History of The Champagne Region in France.

10 Years later Bebado had surpassed Pezsgos Alom who promptly went down into His Grand Wine Cellar, and Drank Himself To Death on some of the World’s Finest and Rarest Champagnes. His last words where:

“I am a Ship, Champagne is My Captain, and The Captain always goes down with the Ship.”

On His way to America Bebado was contacted by Barclay Grande Moccia of the Rose-Blush Institute of Pink Wine. Barclay offered Bebado a Scholarship to Rose-Blush to which Bebado replied that He rather be forced to drink Fortified Wine for the rest of His Life than give a single moment of His time with such Trendy Trash, and that Rose/Blush Wine was a Sin against Dionysus (The Roman God of Wine).

In 1973 Mr. Eddie Osterland was Awarded the First Ever Master Sommelier Certification, and instantly became Bebado’s Idol and personal Hero.

That was Until 1984 when Mr. Fred Dame became the First Person to Pass all Three Parts of the Master Sommelier Examination at Once which is known called Winning The Krug Cup (The 3 Parts are:  Part 1. Theory (Oral Not Written) Part 2. Deductive Tasting of 6 Wines. Part 3. Practical Wine Service.)

More motivated than ever by His New Sommelier Icon Fred Dame Babado recommitted Himself to a Life Long pursuit of Wine Enjoyment and Knowledge. Babado took the Court of Master Sommeliers Introductory Examination January 1, 1985 scoring a Total of 101/100.

Bebado signed up the next day for the Court’s next Examination to become a Certified Sommelier. On January 3, 1985 Bebado aced the Exam with a Record Total Score of 102/100.

Bebado Passed The Court’s Advanced Sommelier Exam (without taking the Recommended 1-2 years of Preparation) on January 4, 1985 with a Total Score of 103/100.

Finally completing His Education and Certification on January 5, 1985 Bebado took The Court’s Master Sommelier Examination Winning the Krug Cup in RECORD TIME OF 51 Minutes and 15 Seconds with a Total Score of 104/100.

Since Passing The Court of Master’s Introductory to Master Sommelier Examinations in under a Week the World was Bebado’s Oyster. Bebado had His pick of the World’s Finest Restaurants like Pretentious Pretentious, and working along side The World’s Top Chef’s such as Chef Willard Z. Dullard.

Bebado made Absurdia His Home on February 5th, 1999, and has been dazzling Our Patron’s Pallets with The Finest Wines, and Food Pairings. The Absurdia is referred to as “The House Bebado Built.”

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober