The other Day as I’m enjoying my coffee along with some Bong hits when I was informed by one of the Kiddies (a semi “affectionate” nickname I have bestowed upon our 3 Interns. Our Part Time Staff of 2, and Our 2 Full Time Employees are referred to as the Children) informed me We apparently had a rather sudden plumbing issue. When I asked what seemed to be the particular plumbing problem was per say I was informed the Toilets were filling BUT NOT Flushing. In addition the damned Dishwasher, and the washed up clothes Washer both decided to start spouting spurts of water from the valves on the their respective walls.
This was symptomatic of 1 of 2 most possible scenarios. The First is the Main Drain was Clogged, and the Second would be an issue with The Building’s Septic System. I called our Contractor Jamison who referred me to his Plumbing Guy Lazarus Riggs who I called immediately. I had to leave a message which seriously aggravated the shit out of me as I hate waiting for anything especially if its an emergency/Immediate attention. Lazarus did call back though in a prompt and timely manner. I told Lazarus what was going on and he graciously said He’d swing by shortly and check the septic situation out (though it was raining like a motherufcker, and had been for the past 2 days, and Lazarus mentioned during our phone call that he “Didn’t particularly like getting Wet.”)
When Lazarus arrived I realized there was the minor issue of I had no damn idea where the fuck the Septic Tank actually was (We bought the Building from The Bank so not like they gave us blue prints and shit) So Lazarus armed with a 5 foot long solid steel Pry Bar deal (it looks like a giant Railroad Spike), and with it he proceeded to wonder around in suspect areas spearing the ground as He went like some Norse Viking Warrior trying to Impale Satan Himself. After searching for more than several minutes Lazarus’s mighty Steel Staff hit a Solid spot that wasn’t a Rock. Lazarus then started to feel out the perimeter of what he believed whole heartedly was the Septic Tank.
While Lazarus was working on that I mentioned that putting the Septic Tank on the side of the Building that had the most fucking Trees was a monumentally Moronic move to which Lazarus agreed. When Lazarus finally uncovered enough of the outline to the Septic Tank outlined We ran into yet another issue. Instead of building the Septic Tank vertically or Horizontally they built it on a fucking 45 degree angle diagonally. What made this plumbing abomination even more insanely idiotic was by choosing to to build the Septic Tank that was that two thirds of the actual Septic Tank was buried under a set of exterior stairs leading off the huge as hell Front Porch.
As my face quickly spiraled from slightly flushed with insurmountable irritation to borderline maroon with out of control Anger Lazarus told me we might not yet be totally screwed. As it were there were two types of Septic Tank lids one thats a simple cap that can be popped open to inspect the Septic Tank, and the other type was a Slab cover which sounds exactly like what it is. If there was a Cap Top we’d be fine and if not then it was back to the drawing board as those who like cliches would say. Unfortunately as you might imagine (as our regular readers are aware of things here always seem to go bizarrely) it wasn’t a Cap Top but the Shitty Slab Top variety.
I then asked Lazarus to hold on a minute which he was glad to do as I gave my Wife (who was at work) a call to report that We found the Septic Tank, its ridiculous location and asinine positioning as well as the dueling cap issue at hand. I did this as a curtesy because the last goddamn thing I need is my Wife coming home and seeing a pile of wood and shit because then she’d wonder what the fuck her impulsive Husband was or had been up to in her absence. She of course agreed we had to do whatever it was we had to do because leaking appliances and un-flushable toilets were un-fucking acceptable. I returned to tell Lazarus I would be right back as I was retreaving some additional tools from the garage out back to assist us in dismantling the exterior staircase. In the end all it took was Lazarus on one side with his bad ass Steel Bar and I on the other opposing side armed with a 10 pound Sledge Hammer to quickly abolish the stairs completely.
Lazarus uncovered the rest of the Slab Top and started to pry it off like some Asshole Indiana Jones loving Archeologist on a History Channel Special on the opening of some far forgotten King/Queen/Emperor’s long lost Tomb. At this point I was freaking the fuck out because I was utterly convinced the Septic Tank was completely and totally compromised, and would have to be replaced due to extensive Root Damage (to the tune of $7,000). Luckily it wasn’t quite as bad as I expected. The pipe that emptied from the Building into the Septic Tank itself was chocked up like a son of a bitch with goddamn Roots. There was also a MASSIVE ball of Roots like a cancerous Septic Tank Tumor further complicating things as it were.
Lazarus started the laborious and strenuous job of removing the Root Tumor if you will using a Hatchet, a pair of Tree Limb Cutters, a Hand Saw and a sharply nosed Shovel. I started to stack the pieces of the obliterated stairs trying desperately not to get scratched or punchered on one of the seemly hundreds of rusty old ass nails that stuck out of the wood like a metal Porcupine’s quills. Lazarus succeeded in removing all of the Big Ass Root Tumor entirely, though he did have a few doubts along the way, and he managed to unclog the Pipe.
I thanked Lazarus for all of his help and expertise, and he charged me $100 for 2 hours of labor in the rain (Can’t beat Southern Country Prices). I called my Wife to give her the all clear, and headed off to my Art Studio to continue work ing on a current Sculpture Project. We have absolutely no plans whatsoever to replace/build the Exterior Stairs obviously as not to block the top of the Septic Tank (it doesn’t functionally matter as the stairs were a secondary set more for aesthetics than use). We have also administered a Yearly Root Killer, and a Septic Tank Shit Sludge maintenance as temporary measures, but ultimately the Trees have to go and the sooner the fucking better to avoid a Serious Septic Situation.
Thanks For Reading,
Les Sober 