Tag: rural America

The Unraveling of a Small Town Arson

Even in a tiny rural town shit happens just not nearly as frequently as in more populated areas at least. Last night though a lot of shit was happening in the wee hours of the morning.

The original details as discovered and spread by the Locals:

At 4:oo am a fire of undetermined origin had broken out a utterly destroyed all three store fronts where the fire occurred. It sucks because this is a egonomivcaluy depressed area and these 3 stores where in the small handful of local businesses that have avoided bankruptcy. There was a secondary reason the fire sucked was the owners of the 3 stores had insanely awesome antiques such as an original Model T car and 1900’s all oak Soda Bar that also were destroyed in the fire.

Now this is where small town life gets even smaller. Right after the fire and I mean the very next day as soon as the sun came up. The town split into 3 schools of thought.

School 1 Thought it was just a run of the mill accident due to old buildings with sub par electrical wires and shit.

School 2 Thought it was Arson caused by Vandals or some mentally ill drifter sort of person/persons.

School 3 Thought it wasn’t a random act of Arson, but a very specific target indicating a Family Feud that got well out of hand, and some one involved went rage crazy and was all ‘I’M GONNA BURN YOUR BUSINESS DOWN YOU BASTARDS!” Seriously feuds and grudges go far down here. An Example being There are 3 families who all own section of property. 30 plus years of futile arguing and disagreements (as well as a shit ton of underhanded and actually illegal shit going on) has lay way to intense resentments. The current generations involved in this land deal are still holding onto the grudges of the past generations.

Well why the Towns people speculated on the Local Police and Fire Chief had figured out what happened, who did it, and promptly arrested them. See there was a 4th School of Thought that no one attended, and that was Theft.

What Really Happened the the Night of the Arson. A local podunk officer was slowly cruising down Main Street at 4 am when a “an old and very beat up Chevy” came speeding out of the ally by the 3 stores that were burned. The speeding car almost t-bones the cop car, but luckily a collision was avoided that time.

People down here have a tendency when confronted by the Police to try and out run them. This case was absolutely no different. Immediately after almost causing a serious car wreck the Old, Beat Up Chevy takes off like his ass is on fire. A Police chase issues inevitably leading to the suspect driving too fast on windy ass roads until he drives off the road into a tree/drainage.

Again thats exactly what happened next in the story. The Driver survived the initial collision at least long enough to narc out his partners in crime. When inspecting the wreck the Police found the obvious reason for the Arson to cover a Robbery. The Chevy was crammed full of $1,000’s of dollars worth of merchandise from all 3 stores, and at that point they drew their conclusion. The Robbery wasn’t a personal matter nor Arson for Arson’s sake, but it was in an attempt to try and destroy all the physical evidence from the Robbery itself.

No one is sure if the Driver is alive, but his two crew members have been arrested and charged with Breaking an Entering, Arson, Resisting a Police Officer, Fleeing the scene of a crime, Grand Theft of over $1,000, and perhaps more but I don’t know currently so I for one WON’T Speculate.

Thanks For The Read Reader,

Les Sober 

Neighbors are a Nuisance

Its really no secret that I despise Neighbors and basically have spent a good deal of avoiding or ignoring them which has worked well for me. Neighbors are nosey, opinionated, annoying, time consuming obstacles. Neighbors  serve no true purpose accept to bother you with these moronic social protocols (and social norms ) as much a humanly possible until you actually feel that your loosing your godforsaken mind.

Things unfortunately change in this case we made a geographical change moving out of the Great Southern Swamp to The Southern Country. One side effect of living here is the fact that the people here are insanely social and gossip is their bread and butter. I’m not social and I hate gossip. Lucky for me very few of our Neighbors actually live here year round so the benefit being that we only see them once in a blue moon for a few days and then their gone again for months. The house to our left is used as a family meeting/vacation spot which means their never around. The house on the right is the same story accept the people on the right their there even less which is wonderful.

Now with that said We did officially meet the couple that lives on the right of us once and I’m guessing We will never speak with them again. See heres the unfortunate events that doomed anything social between us and the Neighbors occurring ever again. We met them one afternoon when My Wife and I were hanging out on our home office’s massive front porch. The Neighbors happened to be out in their front yard doing mundanely routine lawn care crap at the same time. Eventually the Neighbors came over and introduced themselves and we introduced ourselves in return, and then proceeded to shoot the inanest of shit. After a few introductory minutes the Neighbors finally returned to their yard and life went on.

The next day I got an e-mail from our Realtor (We were selling our Great Southern Swamp vacated Offices) stating the bullshit shoppers were ready to make a real deal and I needed to contact him ASAP. Well I immediately e-mailed him, waited 4-5 minutes and then texted him followed directly with a phone call, but I couldn’t get a hold of him it was as if he just evaporated out of existence. This insane cycle goes on 8 hours or so and I still haven’t gotten a hold of him. A couple of minutes before My Wife came home I get a text from Our Realtor stating he had been called in for jury duty and had spent all day sitting down at the court house. While I was relieved to finally hear from the Realtor and to know what the hell was going on, BUT I was also pissed as a motherfucker because when he knew he had been called for jury duty he should I contacted me then and explained the situation properly.

My Wife gets home and I’m pacing the front porch like a rabid Lion at the Zoo. As soon as she sits down I erupt like a Nuclear explosion and launch into a full fledged Ranting and Raving Fit. I totally forgot where I was in reality as I ramp up more and more as I go getting a real adrenaline high from increasingly getting angrier. I spouted off all kinds of utterly screwed up statements and claims pertaining to our Realtor and the jury duty deal.

Here is an Example: (Note: When I hit lose my shit you know because every other word basically is fuck)

“E-Roc fucking e-mailed me 1st fucking thing and says we got a deal so I fucking have to fucking call him back but the son of a bitch doesn’t answer shit, not a goddamn thing! I texted the shit out of him, did no damn good, no fucking e-mails, no fucking phone calls so I’m fucking wondering what the fuck is going on since theres a sweet deal to get done quickly! Its fucking money, a good bit of fucking money and where the fuck is my Realtor, how the fuck can I get a fucking deal fucking done when I fucking can’t get a fucking hold of my motherfucking Realtor?!! When the fuck did E-Roc become an unbearable fucking asshole, he works for Us so he fucking doesn’t get a goddamn dime till we fucking sell the fucking shitty fucking old ass offices for fucks sake!!”

In the midst of this tirade I happen to suddenly realize where I am and as I turn to face my Wife I see both of our Neighbors milling around in their backyard. When our eyes met they both looked away quick as hell and then  putzed around doing meaningless shit like moving the trash can from one side of the house to the other.

Thusly at this point I think its safe as safe to say we will never be speaking with them ever again as they seemed shell shocked enough by witnessing such a enraged rant laced heavily with profanity.

Oh well shit happens. I’m not losing any sleep over it I assure you my Fine Reader.

Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober 

 

For Shits & Giggles: The Low Country List

Here is a list of a few things I personally find endearing and welcome as part of a simpler way of living. Yet most people it is safe to say would have a rough time adjusting to.

  1. No Night Life by 10:00pm EVERYTHING is closed including Gas Stations.
  2. Its a little more half hour drive to find a Fast Food Restaurant.
  3. Having direct access to Killer BBQ thats only Available 2 days a week (Friday and Saturday 11am to 9pm)

4. There is No Trash Pick Up. You have to load your trash up in your car/truck and drive it to the Local Dump (Closed on Sundays and Wednesdays)

5. You can drive 60 mph where ever you need to possibly go.

6. There is not a single Traffic Light in the tiny town I live in, 1 Street Light in a near by neighboring town, and the town directly next to us holds the record for Traffic Lights at a grand total of 2.

7. There is No Food Deliveries. Not even the token Pizza Place or Chinese Restaurant will deliver so whatever you order you have to pick up so you need to keep your eye on the clock like I said shit closes here early.

8. There No Street Lights. When your driving its PITCH BLACK the only things you can see are the stars and your head lights.

9. Hospitals are not local nor near by. The Hospital ER I had to visit while down here getting married was an hour and a half away from town.Luckily for me my Wife is an Insanely Smart and wildly Intelligent RN.

10. There is only a single Veterinarian there are No other Veterinary options as there are no Animal Emergency Hospitals either. Our Local Vet is a tough as nails 82 year old man who’s mind is as sharp as his wit, but just like the Wild West once he is no longer practicing then the question is Who Will?

11.There is a VERY SMALL Police Presence so Owning (and knowing how to use) a gun or several Guns is considered the logical thing to due in these parts. When We first moved here our extremely rural town of 344 residents spread out through the Southern Country had on 1 Police Officer. Think about that for a minute its mind bending. Our town now as of 3 months ago hired a second Police Officer. That math means only one Police Officer is on duty at a time. Again take a minute to wrap your mind around that little ditty. There are surprisingly more Cancelled Weapons Permits issued here as there are in The Great Souther Swamp, but the attitude here on the subject are in direct contrast to one another. Here people keep Gun Ownership (including Shot Guns and Rifles not just Handguns) to themselves they don’t broadcast it to the fucking world. In The Swamp its a bunch of moronically macho cowboys running around with assault Rifles and shit bragging none stop trying to trick the world into not finding out how small his dick actually is.

12. Everyone has Well Water as the Public Water Works won’t extend their services to remoter areas.

13. People talk and interact with each other, when your out you won’t see a single Lap Top or Tablet. You won’t find people stumbling around with their heads buried in the Smart Phones, in fact its hard to find someone just making a phone call on a Smart Phone.

14. Here Cash is still King, Paying with Plastic is not the norm by far.

There are no Fire Hydrants. This is something you wouldn’t even actually notice until it was pointed out to you by your Insurance Company. Its an Insurance issue because if your house is remotely located (the County doesn’t extend their Fire Hydrant services that far),and the small Fire Station is going to take quite awhile its safe to assume if your house catch on fire theres a HUGE RISK of it burning to the ground.

15. If you need other certain services such as say an Exterminator you ay have to wait a bit because if you live in a remoter location they don’t want to come all the way out for just one call so they bundle them if you will.

16. Lastly, and this I have come to HATE is due to our remote rural geography the Major Internet Providers like Verizon, Adelphi, Comcast, At&t etc. don’t provide service because they aren’t enough people to cover costs and make what they deem as a good profit margin. So what the hell does that mean, well I’ll tell you. It means you have to take a technology specific time machine back to fucking 1982 by which I mean SATELLITE SERVICE. Its pretty fucking safe to say that since 1982 there have been few to none improvements in technology and thus service. Its the same bullshit now as it was then if it rains the service gets sketchy or just cuts out. Now back in the day it was just your cable that went out but with the greedy bundling bastards of today now you Land Line (cell phone service is shady at best, here calls get dropped on a daily basis) Cable AND INTERNET go out. The part that irritates me the most is not only do I have to rely on OUT DATED Technology with Sub Par Service(s) because there is only one Satellite Provider is costing me 3 fucking times more than it did in The Great Southern Swamp.

Thats All For Now Folks, Thanks For The Read

Les Sober

Its All A Matter Of Perspective

I just bought a new property somewhere in Podunkville East Cackalacki and hired a new contractor (not new per say he’s worked with my family on a myriad of projects, but this is the 1st time he will be working with us) named Rock EnRoll. When I was returning home I texted Rock the following text:

“The side gate by the pond in open”

All that meant was exactly what it said as its only value is face value.

Rock called back in less than 90 seconds and was all worked up talking so fast all I heard was his thick as tar southern accent. I was a tad bit stoned and rather exhausted so I handed the phone to my Wife stating to Rock she was the one who locked the property up.

As it turns out Rock doesn’t text and a rule of thumb is you shouldn’t text Rock. This is because in this small part of the country people keep their fucking cell phones in their pockets out in public (that includes placing their phone on table as if to say, “I swear I won’t check it every 2 fucking seconds to see if I got a text or a fucking FaceBook like for the picture of my goddamn dog in a cowboy hat.”) Now due to this technology differential Rock, among many if not almost all, have no idea or concept on/for interpreting the context of the text. I’ll explain.

Rock received the text, read it and interpreted it as some James Bond 007 super secret 911 code for an emergency AND he needed his help immediately. Why did he draw this conclusion I have truly no idea to be blatantly honest.

I mean when Rock read it did he possible think one or more of the following issues was at hand:

  1. My Wife or I had had a severe and most likely life threatening accident.
  2. There were hostile renegade poachers attacking from the cover of the woods.
  3. A Home Invasion was going down complete with guys in ski masks and machine guns
  4. My Wife and I were battling insane Moonshiner’s over still site(s)
  5. Ali Baba and his 40 thieves were attempting to steal shit.
  6. Wife and I were being “TAKEN” by Liam Neeson.
  7. Wife and I were being abducted by Aliens.
  8. Viciously rabid woodland creatures were surrounding my Wife and I.
  9. The house was engulfed in flame and my Wife and I were stuck upstairs.
  10. My Wife, The House and I were being swallowed up by a sinister sink hole.
  11. Leatherface was running at us with his  Chainsaw revving up like a fighter jet engine.
  12. The Hills Have Eyes.
  13. Cannibals were trying to kill us and turn us into BBQ.
  14. Bigfoot was real and holding us hostage.
  15. My Wife and I were in fact secret agents for the CIA and were being targeted by either the drug cartels, mafias, gangs, terrorists or foreign evil governments, and needed impromptu assistancte/help.

That though is only the first part, the second being the gate open part. If we were in fact in immediate danger of some sort why the hell didn’t we say so?! You’d think in an emergency we’d texted “HELP!”, “HELP US”, “911 EMERGENCY!”, “ACCIDENT! Need Help” or “Come Quick we’re in life threatening danger!!” but I didn’t text anything remotely like that that could be misinterpreted or at least that what I thought when I sent the text.

What about the gate being open?! Did Rock think this message of the gate by the pond is open was code for “Help Us, Come Quick! the side gate is open so you can access the property and swoop in and save us from whatever the hell you think the trouble is!”

Well I will never know how a simple one sentence text was thought to be a coded plea for help in a direly dangerous and potentially violent emergency , BUT I did learned my lesson, NO MORE TEXTING ROCK.