Tag: RV

Crazy People, Campgrounds, and A Crappy Concert

Now I had mentioned in a Recent Post that My Wife and I are in the Habit of Frequenting Our Local Bar called Timeout Tavern. Over Time as One might Imagine We started to meet some of the Local Characters from Our Town as well as the Neighboring Town. One of those Characters is a Man of Few Words who goes by Dee Dee who’ve We seen at the Bar Numerous times before. Well on this particular Thursday (Normally We head to Timeout on Fridays, but this Thursday was My Wife’s Birthday) We just so Happened to Sit at an Open Spot at the Bar that was next to Dee Dee who had been there for some time already.

Dee Dee as far as Dee Dee is concerned was in His Version of a Talkative Mood. This meant We would sit Next to One Another drinking in Silence until periodically Dee Dee would Lean over slightly in Our direction, and then proceed to have talk about whatever topic was on His Mind. These Mini conversations lasted just a few Sentences before Dee Dee would fall Silent once again. At one Point later in the Evening Dee Dee had Invited Us to Join Him on Saturday for Some Event or What Not. Finally Dee Dee decided He was Drunk Enough (and I’m not Talking Shit since He was Visibly Intoxicated, and in all Due Favor so was My Wife and I) and Decided to Head Out. Not Long after Dee Dee’s Departure My Wife and I also Opted to Call it a Night and went Home to Hangout with Our Pack of Dogs.

                    

Friday came and went uneventfully and come Saturday Morning My Wife and I had a Bit of an Issue. The Issue was Due to the Fact all Three of Us (Dee Dee included) were so Drunk that My Wife and I couldn’t Remember what the fuck We had agreed to Thursday Night. So We started Playing the Drunken Memory Puzzle Game slowly Remembering Detail after Detail as We tried to Piece it all together. By 1:30 in the Afternoon We had managed though it was quite a Struggle to Assemble the Pieces of the Puzzle in a Coherent Narrative. What We Deduced was Dee Dee, who Actually lives in the Previously Mentioned Neighboring Town, had Rented a RV Site at Cooper’s Campground which was an Extremely Large local Campground. Dee Dee had invited Us to Stop by His Campsite around 4pm to Tailgate before a Local Band Played a Show at the Campground.

Even After We recounted Thursday Nights Conversation We still had a Number of Problems. First being the Most Obvious was Dee Dee never told Us what the Actual Number of His Campsite was. He Only mentioned that We should Enter the Camp Ground, make a Left, and keep Driving until We saw the Campground Laundry Building. Apparently His Campsite was in the Vicinity of said Laundry. Also Around Here its a Bit Old School because when I asked Dee Dee for His Cell Number so We could Orchestrate Saturday’s Plan He simple Replied “Why? If You come then I’ll just See You There.” which is about as Useful as a Car without an Engine. Also We had No Idea where in the Massive RV Park/Campground the Concert Venue was since We had Never been there Before. I decided the Best Idea was to say fuck 4 O’clock since the Concert was the Main Focus of the Nights Events, and again We had No Real Information on How to Locate Dee Dee or Call or Text Him either. I thought We should Head to the Campsite to get a Literals Lay of the Land so We’d know what the fuck We were getting Ourselves into.

                   

We headed over to the Campground around 5pm or so and Once We arrived We drove through a Small Neighborhoods Worth of RV’s, RV Parking Sites, and Actual Campers in Tents. Then We reached the Main Campground Gate where there were to Humongous Signs Posted Relaying the Basic Rules and Policies of the Park which were Extensive to say the Least. What Pissed ME off at that Moment was the Fact the Campground Charged People who weren’t Current Campers (aka Customers) $5 Per Person to Enter. I though how if I was a Friend or Family Member Visiting How I’d be even More Pissed Off I’d be about the Gate Toll. All I’m saying is You visit someone in a Hotel, Motel, or Air B&B You don’t have to Pay some Bizarre and Bullshit Cover Charge just for Visiting. Anyway We made a U Turn and went back Home considering We didn’t really want to Hangout in a fucking RV Park/ Campground for several Hours Before the Show.

Once We arrived Home My Wife Hit Up the Campground Website for Details since We had Not been able to Scout Out the Location. My Wife confirmed First and Foremost that there was indeed a Concert that Night, and pulled up Some Picture of Where the Show would be Held. The Picture was unassuming as fuck as it was just a Picture of a Large Field on the Water Front. My Wife and I figured that because the Venue was a Campground that They would Erect a Small Stage for the Band to Play on. We assumed then that People Who came Would Bring Blankets or Beach Chairs to Sit On while the Band was On Stage Preforming. We figured We would need some Show Supplies so We went Out and Bought a couple of Cheap Beach Chairs, 3 Bags of Ice, A Cooler, and of Course a Case of Budweiser. Outside the Store We Filled the Cooler with the Ice and Stocked it with the Budweiser before departing. We Drove on Over to the Campsite since it was Now Quarter to Seven and the Show was Billed to Start at 8pm.

                      

Once We Arrived We discovered the Gate Attendant had Left so We were Referred by a Shitty Handwritten Note (Scrawled on a Scrap Piece of Paper Taped to the Window of the Camp Connivence Store which Doubled as the Gate House) to the Two Monolithic Signs Posted on Either Side of the Gate. We ended up having to Fill Out this Basic Form with Our Name, Address, and Vehicle License Plate Number. We then Drove Through the Gate then there was a Beat Up Old Metal Lock Box on Passenger Side which We deposited the Form along with the $10 Entrance Fee. This Pissed ME off because its a fucking Campground so Why the fuck are They charging $5 per Person just to Enter? Who or What the fuck do They think They Are some Trendy fucking Nightclub or Some Shit? I dunno but I digress.

20 Feet into the Park and I’m already Stressed Out by the Absolute Clustfuck Labyrinth Arrangement of the RVs/Campsites. Instead of using the Traditional Tried and True Lay Out in a Grid Pattern with Neat Rows of RVs/Campsites with Adequate Streets running Between the Rows. This Campground looked as if the Owner had Squeezed every last Camper/RV/Campsite They could onto the Property to Maximize Their Profits. This created a Chaotically Disorganized Landscape of Oddly Angled Cramped RVs/Campsites that were packed so Close Together that if You stepped out Your Door You’d be a approximately 2 Feet From Your Neighbor. Privacy seemed to be Totally Non Existent, and that would Definitely Drive Me fucking Insane as I relish My Privacy.

                    

To make Shit even More Nerve Racking there was a Main Road and I use that word Loosely that ran Around the Entire Perimeter of the Park. If You actually wanted to Access Anything in the Park You had to Navigate a the Maze of Haphazardly Placed RVs/Campsites using a Cramped Network of Streets that in Reality were Glorified Dirt Paths wide Enough for a Single Golf Cart to Drive on. One Thing We noted was to further Aggravate Me and the Situation Itself was There was the Utter and Total Lack of Signage so We had No fucking Clue where We were or Where We were fucking going. Meanwhile as We drove at a Whopping 3 Miles an Hour since I Drive A Half Ton Dodge Ram 1500 Pick Up Truck, and since Whoever Designed the Campground had Miserable Concept of Spacial Recognition ever Where We went was the Definition of a Tight fucking Fit. The Campground Layout was Completely fucking Random, but there were Other Exacerbating Factors We had to Content with.

The First Issue was there was a Ton fuck of People there were Walkers, Joggers, Men, Women, Kids, Senior Citizens, and Pets Milling around. Now with all of the Randomly Placed RVs/Campsites all I could think was “Holy Shit this is a fucking reciepy for a fucking Disaster. The Whole Time at any Second I expected Someone or Something to Walkout into the Street without even considering They could be Hit/Run Over by My Big Ass Truck. Then there were the goddamn Golf Carts that were all over the Place, and Who’s Occupants were Annoyed They were Forced to Pull off to the Side of the “Road” to make Room for My Big Goddamn Truck. That and Every Golf Cart seemed to be Driven by an Oblivious Idiot (Most were Deep into a Day Drinking Drunk as at Least 1 of Every 3 People I saw were Holding Beers) who had the Attention Span of a fucking Goldfish. The Day Drinking Drunks weren’t just Idly Driving around in Golf Carts They seemed to make Up a Majority of the People Staying at the Campground. Again All I could think is that One of These Dipshit Drunks would Stumble or Fall Flat on Their Face in the Road and End Up being Run the fuck Over (and more than Likely Killed).

                    

There was one thing Though that I did find Fascinating and that was that the Campground was Over Run with Rabbits. I’m Not talking the Normal Wild American Rabbit Species You’re accustomed to seeing Oh No these were Some Breed of Domesticated Rabbits. They came in a Variety of Colors, Pure Black, Black and White, Tan, Brown, Tan with Brown Markings Etc., and these fuckers were so goddamn Big You could have Picked One Up and Cradled it like a fucking Baby. No One in the Park in the Campground even Acknowledged the Rabbits Presence Though They were Everywhere. The Rabbits were Laying in the Road, Running Between or Under RVs, Hanging Out in Small Groups on Spontaneous Grassy Plots located around the Park.

The Other Weird thing was I had never Heard about the Campground Rabbits and I’m a Local. Usually when Places have an Unusual Oddity such as these Rabbits the Business uses it as a Promotional Tool to Cash in on the Eccentricity, but Apparently Not in this Case. I even Hit Up Ye Old Internet the Next Day to see if I could find any Information on these Mysterious Rabbits. While there were Slews of Reviews that all Mentioned or at Least Alluded to the Rabbits but that was All. I posted on one of the sites asking if Anyone Knew the Origin Story behind the Rabbits, Yet Unfortunately I fucking Forgot the Specific Website (and was Unable to Locate it at a Later Date). I figure Especially being in the Country that these Rabbits had been Kept for as Show Rabbits, Raised as Farm Rabbits, Raised for Food, or Possible as Pets. As these things Go I believe some of the Rabbits Escaped and spawned a Full Blown Breeding Rabbit Population. I still am curious as fuck to Know the Exact Details and will Keep Seeking Out Any and All Information Pertaining to the Campground Rabbits.

                   

After Roaming around this Campsite Hellscape We rather quickly came to the Conclusion that We would just Head to the Show Venue (wherever the hell it was) because Meeting Up with Dee Dee was a Virtual Impossibility. We continued to Drive meandering to and fro until Thank fucking Christ We found the Venue sheerly by Chance. We pulled into the Grass Parking Lot, and I immediately Noticed things were Not as We had Anticipated Not in the Least. When We Pulled into the Lot We saw a Large Cinder Block Building Painted a Nauseating Shade of Pink. I assume the Building originally was a Garage for Maintenance/Groundkeepers Lawn Mowers and other Tools of the Trade. I thought this because there was a rather Large Garage Door that was wide Open and We could See (and Hear) the Band doing Their Soundcheck. Now it was 7:40 pm and the Show was set to Start at 8pm on the Dot, But the One thing We didn’t See was Anyone Else. The Parking Lot with the Acceptation of My Wife and I was Completely Empty there wasn’t a Single Person to be Seen.

Eventually a Small Handful of Campground Campers trickled in on Their Golf Carts. We Spoke with a Man familiar with the Campground and asked what the fuck was the Deal since We had Obviously made the wrong assumption with the whole Tail Gating thing. He informed Us that there wasn’t any Tail Gating and the Campground Owners would Toss You out and Ban You for Life if They Caught You. I’ll be fucking Damned if I get thrown out of a fucking Campground that’s for Sure. Then He informs Us that They do Sell Beer there accept its Cheap Shitty Beer in Clear Plastic BBQ Cups all White Trash and shit. I am a Beer Lover but after already Buying a Case of Good Beer sure as Hell didn’t want to have to Sell Out more Cash especially for Horse Piss Beer. Lastly the Man Mentioned there was a goddamn Cover Charge in Addition to the $10 Park Admittance Fee. This Seriously Chapped My Ass I mean I paid $10 already just to get into this Hellhole 3 Ring Shit Show of a Campground, and the Idea of having to Pay a Cover well Fuck and That.

                    

At 8:15 pm I decided it was time to Re-Evaluate the Situation. Since I tend to be Anti Social and Standoffish so I felt I had to Lawyer My Point. I pointed out that Perhaps making Plans Late at Night at the Bar while Drunk wasn’t the Optimal Scenario for making Plans. Also We didn’t have Dee Dee’s Phone Number or Campsite Number and We didn’t even have a Clue where the Laundry was (which if You remember was Our one and only Reference Point). I then Proceeded to Point Out the Fact it was a Lame Local Bar Band so it wasn’t Worth it Literally and Figuratively. I added to that its a really bad sign when You show up for a Concert Twenty Minutes before the Show Starts and there is No One There. I made sure to point out that the Few People who Finally Showed Were Campers Not Locals, and if We wanted to get to Know More People talking to Vacationing Campers was a Waste of fucking Time. My Wife being the Optimist suggested We wait a Little Longer before Leaving just to See if Things Picked Up and being the Pessimist I reluctantly Agreed. At 8:30 pm My Wife Agreed with Me that it was Time to Throw in the Towel and Call it Quits.

In the End We left the Campground and Drove over to Our Favorite Watering Whole Timeout Tavern and Proceeded to have a Ultimately Awesome Evening. I have yet to see Dee Dee again but I’m sure I will in Time, and When I do I can’t wait to ask Him What The Fuck the Whole Ordeal was About. Until then it was a Intensely Bizarre Adventure and at Least it makes for an Interesting fucking Story.

Thanks For Reading,

   By Les Sober  

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (44/365)

The Walls of Dizzy’s cramped Apartment were caked in layers of overlapping Dust combined with an ample amount of Dirt. The Light coming through the Windows had an Oddly Orange Tinge to it from the Thick Layers of Cigarette Smoke that had Coated the Glass over time. Dizzy had wildly plastered a Handful of Posters across the Dingy Walls in a Extremely Manic Fashion.

There was a Promotional Poster for Budweiser complete with the Trade Mark Clydesdale Horses bounding through the Snow with the Budweiser Wagon in Tow. There was a Black Light Poster of an Alien Smoking Pot using an Astronaut’s Helmet as an Impromptu Intergalactic Bong. Then there was the Poster of the Self Proclaimed Devil Worshipping DJ MC SATANIC D eating Dinner Outside while fondly looking at Trump (and His Administration) Impaled on Wooden Pikes. Obviously the Poster had been a Tribute of Sorts or Paying Morbid Homage to The Historical and Homicidal  Vlad The Impaler.

       

Across from the Large Windows on the Opposite side of the Apparent was a Small make shift Kitchen straight out of Any Collage Dorm USA. There was a Mini Fridge that Housed nothing but Beer. There was Microwave perched on Top of the Mini Fridge that looked like if You ate anything that came out of it You’d contract a Super Strain of E-Coli and Literally Shit Yourself Inside Out. There was a Sink and Counter combo that looked like it had been Stolen Out of a Classic Vintage Volkswagen RV or Perhaps Salvaged from a Mobile Home Trailer Fire.

Lee got off the Crap Covered  Couch and started to walk around the Cluttered Confines  of the Apartment looking for the Bathroom as the Vast Amounts of Beer He had consumed earlier was Battering the Hell out of His Bladder. Lee located the Bathroom without issue and having once Entered the Bathroom Lee really wished to Hell He Hadn’t. The Bathroom was Unbelievably Horrible and Seriously Sickening. It was so Bad it made a fucking Truck Stop Restroom look like a Sterile Operating Room by Comparison.

The Bathroom Fan was Broken and there wasn’t a Window so there was No Ventilation so entering the Bathroom the First thing Lee had to deal with was Stagnant Staleness in the Air. The Bathroom Sink smelled like a fucking Arena Urinal from all of Dizzy’s intoxicated and fucked up Friends Pissing in it rather using the Toilet. The Mirror above the Sink had been Smashed by Either a Person’s Fist or Face, but it was impossible to tell at this Point though there were still trace amounts of Blood on it.

        

The Toilet which had once been Sterling White was now an  Industrial Shade of Grey Tagged with a Slew of Black Streaks of Varying size. It appeared at Some Point Someone who more than likely was Intoxicated came into the Bathroom probably wearing Boots, and for some reason took Acceptation to the Toilet and Tried to Kick it into Pieces. Alas Due to being  Intoxicated the Angry Assailant’s Kicks couldn’t actually connect with the Toilet to cause any real Damage. It Appeared that Instead the Furious Kicks just Scuffed the Toilet as They Glanced Off over and over.

Lee strode up to the Toilet, unzipped His Fly, whipped His pecker Out, and Noticed a Hand Written Sign stuck on the Wall above the Toilet with a piece of Black Electrical Tape. The Writing Scrawled on the Paper read “HEY YOU ASSHOLE! DON’T FLUSH YOUR PUSSY PLUGS, DEPOSIT IN TUB.” Lee could only assume the Term Pussy Plug was a Crude reference to Tampons, and He immediately Zipped Up and Walked out of the Bathroom without even Using it (or looking behind the Tattered Scum Coated Shower Curtin).

Be Sure To Tune In Next Week for The Next Insanity Laced Installment of………

LEE  JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (45/365)

Thank for Reading,

  By Les Sober (12:46am)

Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Part 6

April 15th: Malice arrived at their suite at the Hard Rock Casino in Mackinaw Michigan (which back in the infamous 80’s was considered on the same creative social scale as NYC or LA.), and waited for their newly assigned opening act by their record label Razorback Records.

While they waited Malice free based a Kilo of 91% pure uncut Columbian Fish Scale while simultaneously  consuming 15 cases of beer, 19 bottles of Whisky, and an ounce and a half of PCP Laced Mushrooms, and ate 7 sheets of Acid (because waiting is boring so why not party your fucking face off they figured.) Plus the bands Lawyer TR McCoy and their Manager Harold Slickmann  had instructed the Band to DO NOTHING while they worked out the issues with the Band’s current Record Label Razorback Records.

As for Razorback they needed to put a tour deal together fast as fuck. Razorback Due to the  current disputes with Malice over creative control had lead abrupt cancellation of the remaining  Tour leaving them in the lurch like a motherfucker. They had to finish out as many of the original Tour dates as humanly possible to avoid backlash from pissed off Malice Fans.

Now due to all the drama Razorback was unhappy with Malice and that  played a part in their decision to hire The Assholes.The Assholes were at the opposite side of the spectrum from Malice.

Malice was a Glam Metal Band used to the luxurious life in LA being fawned over by press and fans alike for several months and had forgotten their entire lives previous to being famous. This I think most people can agree the massively exprbinte and copious amounts of Narcotics combined with Severe Alcoholism was/is to blame for the Band’s Unique Amnesia.

The Assholes on the other hand were a Trio from the Shitty Streets of the Shittiest Slums in Swansea Wales’s poverty stricken Industrial District. They grew up broke as fuck with Father’s that slaved away in the Various Factories or Sold Drugs. They had Mother’s that Worked 3 jobs cooking and cleaning (for the elite assholes living a life of splendor in the Huge Mansion’s in the Country) or Turning to Prostitution, Drink, and Drugs.

The only issue was The Assholes were currently on a Tour of their own with their fellow band The Squatters who hailed from Leeds and had similar backgrounds as the members of The Assholes. Not to mention the group’s singers met in the drunk tank one St. Paddy’s day after grossly over indulging in an obscene display of Alcohol throughout the day.

For this particular Tour The Assholes and The Squatters had combined both bands into one collective group they were calling The Asshole Squatters.

This lead Razorback to bend over backwards and take it in the preverbal metaphorical ass to put together. First Razorback had to hire The Asshole Squatters (not just the Assholes by themselves) because their management claimed it would be easier to promote the new 2 week Tour since two thirds of the audience already recognized the name.

Second Razorback would have to Pay the Appearance fee for The Assholes, The Squatters, and The Asshole Squatters as each group would be billing them separately. Razorback would also be financially responsible for their other expenses such as Travel, Room and Board. The Assholes also demanded that Razorback reimburse everyone involved in/with the last two weeks of the Asshole Squatters Tour that would be left ass out in lieu of The Assholes embarking on the new Malice Tour.

Razorback not having a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of had to agree to any and all conditions set forth by The Assholes or The Squatters. In the end the tiny new 2 week tour cost Razorback $12.3 Million in extra expenses.

April 16th: Malice had a pre tour meeting where they met The Asshole Squatters for the 1st time over Cocktails at the exclusive Club Pretentious. The meeting was a short one. The Members of The Asshole Squatters  spent most of their time chugging pints of Guinness, doing Irish Car Bombs, Rough Housing, Head Butting one another in some Bizarrely Violent Drinking Game (which they themselves had created just a couple of weeks ago while on a brilliant bender.)

Malice sat back drinking Bottomless Hurricanes (with Mescal on the side) watching their new opening act getting Raging Alcoholic Type Drunk, and snorting massive rails of Cocaine off a gaggle of clamoring wannabe Groupie’s Tits.

The 2 Bands barely spoke to each other and as for The Asshole Squatters they seemed to be mocking Malice throughout the entire ordeal. It was hard for Malice to determine if the Asshole Squatters were indeed mocking the shit out of them or was this the classic absurd comedic Wit the British were known for.

Troubled by the shitty meeting Malice’s manager Harold Slickmann sat down to discuss the matter with The Asshole Squatters Manager Sly Slapper over diner (at The Lux Barroom and Fine Eatery mind you). Slapper’s take on the situation was it was just a case of “Clashing Ego’s”and it would be no problem at all. He assured Slickmann that the Tour would be nothing less than copacetic once the Band’s Ego Issues calmed down.

This was a boldfaced lie and Slapper the slippery shit was well aware.

April 17th: To insure there wouldn’t be any further issues before the start of the tour the following day each Band’s Manager spiked ALL the Band Members mandatory morning Bloody Mary’s (which were made with 191 proof Grain Alcohol or as its more commonly known Moonshine) with a heavy dose of Horse Tranquilizers .The intensity of the Moonshine did a wonderfully brilliant job at disguising the foul taste of the ground up Horse Tranquilizers.

This effectively rendered both groups unconscious for 18 hours straight.

When the time came the Band’s Personal Medical Team would hit them with a Epinephrine  Shot via an Epi Pen, and BAM everyones awake, on their feet, and energetic like a Rocket Shot up their Ass.

April 18th: It was around 11 am when the Bands began to board their respective Tour Buses each suffering from a serious Horse Tranquilizer Hangover. It wasn’t until well past Noon that the Tour was finally on the road. The first show was in Saugatuck Michigan at the Tubular Theater.

Before the show even started the problems began. When Malice arrived at the Tubular Theater they were met the first problem head on. The members of The Squatters being arrested by Immigration Officers. Malice’s managed Harold Slickmann quickly jumped of the tour bus and made a mad scramble words The Squatters manager Sly Slapper.

According to Slapper the band was being detained and deported back to England to stand trial. The Squatters were charged with 117 counts of Vandalism, 91 counts of Destruction of Private Property,  88 counts of Destruction of Public Property, 351 counts of Public Drunkenness, 57 counts of Urinating in Public, 22 counts of Defecating  in Public, 117 counts of Breaking and Entering (The band had a issue with breaking into Liquor Stores after closing time in search of yet more Booze), 144 counts of Public Nudity, and 121 counts of Indecent Exposure (The band also had an issue with having sex with Fans/Groupies in Public).

To make a shitty situation even shittier the Fans(who had been waiting for 16 hours straight) out front for the doors to open were well aware of what was going on, and they were getting more riled by the minute as they watched one of the bands they came to see being arrested at the concert venue.

Malice who had extensive experience dealing with amped up and angry Fans from some disastrous concerts of their own. They immediately put a plan into action as the inevitable Riot was building rapidly. Malice gathered up their instruments and amps aboard their tour bus, called in a massive Beer Order with a local Beer Warehouse a few blocks from the show, and lastly they grabbed a duffle bag containing 5 kilos (11 pounds) of Pure uncut Bolivian Blow.

The scene outside had gotten savage as the Show Promoter had already called in the Cops. Malice Fans were pissed off at the Asshole Squatter Fans for fucking up the show, The Squatters Fans were enraged that the Band was being Arrested, The Assholes were angry about everything in general, and all the Fans were mad the Police had been called.

The high level of surging emotions had given way to pushing, shoving, insults, violent threats, minor vandalism, and the start of empty Beer bottles being thrown around in random response to the current state of affairs. The Police had called in back up and as Malice got ready to put their plan into action the SWAT Team rolled in.

Malice slowly opened the Emergency Hatch located on the roof of the Bus and crawled out onto the Bus’s Roof. They then had their Roadies hand up their instruments followed by their Amps. Malice also had their Roadies hand up several Confetti Cannons they had brought on tour. Once on top of the bus with their gear and supplies Malice started to assemble their standard stage set up transforming the Bus’s Roof into an impromptu stage.

As soon as the set up was complete Malice started playing Misfit Covers as loud as their equipment would allow. This sudden musical onslaught brought the chaos and conflict to a stand still as the stunned Fans and Police Officers alike looked on.

Malice capitalized on this by announcing that this was now a FREE Parking Lot Show and then fired off their Confetti Cannons that they had loaded up with the Cocaine. A giant white wave exploded over the Audience with a lingering cloud behind it as everyone there went fucking insane.

The Police were just happy to have the Riot haunted so they let Malice slide on the whole Huge Cocaine Cloud (and assorted shit like that) just as long as they got the fuck out of town immediately following the Parking Lot Show.

And thats exactly what they did.

April 19th: Malice was contacted first thing in the morning by their current Record Label Razorback Records. Razorback was absolutely irate about the previous night’s show which was also the first show of a ad-libbed Tour.

Malice had their Lawyer TR McCoy step in as mediator on their behalf. McCoy stated it was fucking insane that Razorback was even angry to begin with. McCoy went on to say that Malice had nothing to due with the Show going to shit. Malice wasn’t the ones being arrested, their Fans weren’t the ones pissed off by the arrest, and if it wasn’t for Malice’s quick thinking under extreme pressure in an emergency situation had in fact ENDED the Riot.

Razorback being complete and total  bitches switched the topic of the conversation to what they were going to do moving forward post riot. The tour they said would continue but because of last night fiasco being blasted across national television had been forced “due to circumstances beyond their control” cancel that nights show.

Razorback sited that the change was do due to “Unforeseen Expenses” complied with the exorbitant expenses used for putting the current Tour together in the first place was putting Razorback on the verge of filing Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. And because of the severity of the situation would require Razorback’s full and undecided attention putting the Tour on the back burner for a while.

You see the unforeseen expenses Razorback incurred were from a legal dispute between Razorback and The Squatters.

The Squatters claimed that since their arrest, and subsequent deportation was due to charges that were racked up from their previous Tour. And since the charges were not related to this Tour they deserved to be paid every single cent agreed upon by Razorback and The Squatters per their contract.

Razorback had to hire a full on legal defense team of Lawyers to handle the impending Lawsuit and their Counter Suite. According to their Lawyers Razorback considered their contract null and void as soon as The Squatters violated the terms, and thus were owed jack shit as far as they were concerned.

Malice’s Lawyer TR McCoy sighted a “Conflict of Interest” on Razorback’s part as far as Malice was concerned, and was planning to take them to court over it as soon as he got back to his office. Unbeknownst to Razorback at the time was that McCoy was already well at work putting a lawsuit against Razorback on Malice’s behalf. Malice was ultimately looking to terminate their contract with Razorback Records by any means needed.

April 20th: Malice curent Unnamed Tour with the Assholes was scheduled to play The Wicked Room in Grand Marais Minnesota. Once they Bands showed up there was an empty parking lot and a massive pile of what appeared to be charred bricks mixed with assorted rubble. There was a note from the Wicked Room’s Staff addressing the issue taped to a bottle of Croatian Rum that was standing atop the pile of aforementioned bricks and rubble.

The Note Read: To Whomever it may concern,

We the loyal staff of the Wicked Room have the misfortune to inform you that the Owner of the Club (Dolt Devonshire) ruptured a gas line in the basement, and blew the Club sky high while attempting to commit Insurance Fraud.  So Sorry We know this Sucks.

With the nights Fans only moments away from the defunct venue the Bands had to figure out what the fuck to do. Neither Band wanted to relive the previous nights shit show nor could they afford any more shitty press.

Then The Assholes Singer “Bloody” Sod Bollocks announced that since Malice had saved their asses last night that tonight they would be repaying the favor. In all actuality The Asshole could have give 2 shits about Malice they just thought it was a proper venue to showcase their Hardcore Thrash Punk music. That combined with the fact The Assholes were chomping at the bit to play to help vent some of their built up frustrations.

Malice decided to take their Fans in attendance that were pissed off by the fact Malice wasn’t playing to an all night drinking binge at a local Dive Bar and Shitty Strip Club Called  Beef Curtains.

Even though The Assholes acted like they didn’t give a flying fuck what Malice did they took Malice’s Stripper Boozelooza as slap in the face. They thought if Malice and their sniveling Fans didn’t care about the show well fuck them and fuck that.

April 21st: Malice spent the day at the Hotel Spa recuperating from their legendary hangovers, and The Assholes spent the day Drinking and Drugging like no tomorrow.

The 2 bands met up at that nights Venue The Radical in Bayfield Wisconsin. The tension was tenable as the Bands circled one another lingering like fucking Vultures waiting for their meal to finally die.

The Assholes went on first and played their first two albums (“Fuck You and The Finger” and “The Toss Pot Teachers”)  in their interiority.  The Band then went on to play 3 separate encores each consisting of 3-5 songs each. The Asshole’s finally played their closing song their current hit “Fuck Me Dead”. By then they had cut into Malice’s set by a good 45 minutes or so.

Malice was furious as they took the stage 45 minutes late. Malice used the show to mainly test out the audience’s reacting to some new songs they were coming up with for the New Album they planned to record as soon as they possibly could. Malice was sure to pepper the New Shit with some of their Big Hits to keep the Fans excited.

All in all the audience response was overwhelmingly positive as far as the new material was concerned. In fact Malice’s new Power Ballad “I’d Never Call You A Bitch Baby” garnered such a response from the Fan’s that they decided later that night that it would be the first single released.

Malice celebrated all night and into the following day until that nights show.

April 22nd: When Malice’s Tour bus rolled into The Spectrum in Elkader Iowa to find that The Assholes had already arrived and were in the middle of their soundcheck.

Malice walked into their dressing room to find it Trashed, Thrashed and Totally fucked. It smelled like a Truck Stop Bathroom mixed with a well used Locker Room. Every single piece of furniture (including the trash can) was busted and broken to pieces. The Catering table was upside down which was ok because it looked as if someone shit on the food platters anyway. Not to mention their toilet bowl was on fire reminiscent of a childhood campfire.

Malice’s blood boiled as they had fucking had it with The Assholes and their shittier than shitty bullshit. Luckily before all hell broke loose Malice’s manager Harold Slickmann arrived in the nick of time to prevent a brewing Shit Storm from becoming a Category 5 Shitnado. Slickmann swore up and down that if Malice played the show he would put and end to The Assholes dilemma.

Malice begrudgingly took the stage and the crowd went buck-fucking-wild sending Malice’s spirits soaring. The show was going exceptionally well until “Bloody” Sod Bollocks came staggering drunk as 10 Sailors (on well deserved Shore Leave) combined. Bollocks slowly made his way to the side of the stage just as Malice launched into (what they believed on audience response) was their new upcoming single “I’d Never Call You A Bitch Baby”

Once Malice got to the chorus of “…I’d never call you a bitch Baby” Bollocks armed with a Military Grade Bullhorn would yell at the top of his intoxicated lungs “Because I call you a cunt!”

Malice’s more than temperamental frontman Izzy Sane let Bollocks get away with his rude interjection twice but not a third time. Sane dropped his microphone, picked up the stand, swung it up over his head with both hands, and bolted to wards Bollocks like a Meth addicted Rodeo Bull. Once Sane reached Bollocks Sane brought the Heavy Metal Base of the microphone stand down on Bollock’s head like a Sledge Hammer.

The base of the Microphone stand came crashing down and slammed into Bollock’s head right above his left eye shattering his orbital socket, severely fracturing his cheek bone, and sending his eye shooting out into the audience. Blood started to pour out of Bollock’s freshly busted open head like a deep red river. Bollocks swayed for a minute before crumpling like a piece of paper to the ground.

Bollocks was unconscious, unresponsive, and there was blood now spurting out of the large gash in his head like a mini 18 inch fountain. One of the Stage crew sprinted to the phone and called 911. By the time the EMTs had arrived Bollocks was in the throws of full blown shock. The EMTs opted due to the severity of the injury and the patient’s quickly declining condition to to fly Bollocks to the nearest head trauma unit a Trama Hawk.

On the up side Malice’s Fans were so supportive they cheered Sane as they Fans were aware of the tenuous rivalry between the two touring Bands. Unfortunately for Sane the police were not so easy going and arrested Sane for Assault, Assault with a Deadly Weapon, and Attempted Murder.

The night ended with Malice on their way back to their hotel, and their manager on his way back to the Band’s Lawyer’s Office double time.

April 23rd: Finally the Tour to end all Tours had ended as doomed from the start. The Assholes had flown back home to England as soon as Bollocks was stable enough to travel.

Malice wanted to circle the wagons so they bought a 56 room Mansion located on 66 acres (for an estimated $151 Million) in the Hollywood Hills the day they got back in town. The Band figured it actually made the most sense since until then non of the Band members past or presently..

Malice members lived in hotels or on the Tour bus while on Tour or Traveling. In their down time Davie Scum was on the worlds longest Couch Surfing Run in known History, and Izzy Sane lived with his Girlfriend (and Malice Bassist) Maxi Padd in her tiny one room Studio Apartment. Rock Harder lived in a Shitty Hellhole of a Motel down by the by the Airport called The Wayfarers located between The Drunkard Tavern and Sparkles Strip Club.

It didn’t take long for Malice to move in as the members owned next to nothing outside of their cars. Meanwhile Harold Slickmann had sold his house prior to the last Tour and went and bought a $4.5 Million Luxury Executive RV. Slickmann parked his newly acquired RV in Malice’s extensive Drive Way where he planned to live indefinitely.

The Band’s Lawyer TR McCoy opted to sell his Penthouse so he could move into Malice’s new 10,000 square foot Guest House. McCoy felt with the forth coming barrage of legal issues that were about to defend upon the Band like The Anti-Christ surfing on an Avalanche.

The Band settled on the name “The House of Malice” as the official name of their Mansion Estate and set to work coming up with customized additions to the Mansion (example: Replacing the Water in the 100s of Fountains with Armand de Brigand Brut Gold (Ace of Spades) which cost $6,500 per 6 Liter Bottle.)

April 24th: Malice received an intensely aggressive call from their Record Label Razorback Records demanding a meeting immediately in their head office in the Van Nuys neighborhood. Malice piled into the Band’s 67 foot long custom Limo along with Slickmann and McCoy in tow.

When they arrived Malice was marched directly into Brock Rock’s office. Brock Rock who was the Owner and CEO of Razorback at the time. No sooner had Malice sat down Rock came charging in infuriated beyond belief with Razorbacks Legal Team right behind him.

Razorback started the meeting guns blazing. They were basically trying to blame all their costly fuck ups on Malice so they could sue them for reimbursement.

McCoy wasn’t having any of Razorback’s spastic bullshit fireworks. McCoy told Razorback that by neglecting their client Malice’s best interests by effectively booking substandard Opening Act(s) violated the terms and conditions of Malice’s Contract.

That combined with they fact that the failed second leg of the Mini Tour had totally tapped Razorback’s Bank Accounts so they wouldn’t be able to financially survive a long ass court battle before going completely bankrupt.

Razorback ended up releasing Malice from their contract as long as all disputes between both parties were henceforth Null and Void.

Malice was now a free Agent as it were.

McCoy had a glass of 70 year old Scotch.

Slickmann immediately started fielding offers from Competing Record Labels starting a furious Bidding War.

As for Razorback they did in fact end up going bankrupt, and Brock Rock was arrested for Embezzlement, Fraud, Insider Trading, Tax Evasion, and Aggravated Acts of Beastiality.

April 25th: Malice spent the day whole up in their Mansion reviewing various and plentiful possible future contracts from damn near every record label executive there was.

McCoy and Slickmann riddled down the Contracts to a Fianl Top 3 before involving the Band.

The 3 Top Contenders were Guillotine Records a relatively new up and coming Record Label that was racking up Big Name and Unknown Acts left and right.

Another was from Spittle Sound Studios owned by D-Rockafeller Recordings Inc. who was looking to expand their catalog and appeal by breaking into new musical markets. They were basically a Major Brand Record Label in Indi Clothing so to speak.

The Final Contract was from an International Record Label called The Nation of Noise Records (who’s HQ was located in International Waters on a retired Cruise Ship). They had been around for years, but never signed any act anyone would give two shits about like the Country Disco Jug Band Legend Howie “Pork Knuckle ” Pounder.

After serious deliberation along with a crate of Whisky, 26 Cartons of Cigarettes, a Pound of High Grad Marijuana, and 8 sheets of High Test Acid on  Guillotine Records signing a 5 Album Exclusive Deal.

Malice celebrated the Deal by Buying Ferraris and the hosting a Demolition Derby Party that went late into the night, and the Police only showed up 41 times for Noise Complaints and all that horseshit.

A good night was had by all.

April 26th: With a slew of new songs and material Malice and in great spirits ,and (after finally ending their troubled relationship with Razorback Records) having just signed a sweet ass deal with Guillotine Records headed into the Studio to get working on their new album.

Tragedy struck the Band once again while wailing on a wild Guitar Solo for the song “Sweet Heart, Wicked Soul” Davie Scum played so fast that his guitar caught on fire quickly consuming Scum in the blaze. Considering how flammable the cheap Spandex adorned with Chinese Dragons, and the entire bottle of Aqua Net Scum used to style his hair it was no real wonder why he combusted so quickly.

Luckily for Malice they were finished recording their new new album titled “Finding Heaven In Hell” so all that was left to be done was Editing the Recorded songs.

Malice had to pay the $17,890 cleaning bill for the Studio to clean off all the smoke stains and little BBQed pieces of flesh from the walls, floors and ceiling (Not to mention they had to Neutralize the Oder of a still smoldering  Human Body)

When Slickmann heard the news he grabbed the extremely large 3 ring binder filled with Musicians Resumes he had created due to the fact Malice Members had a bad habit of dying, and granted a couple left to purse other pursuits.

By the end of the day Malice had completed their new 19 song album, edited it, lost their Guitarist to a freak guitar playing accident, and interview the top replacement Guitarists.

That night around 4 in the morning suffering from a drug fueled insomnia Malice selected their new Guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson who had played with such acts as Murder in Minutes, Killing Trolls, The Lot Lizards, and the Legendary Black Metal Band Nordic Slaughter.

April 27th: While waiting for their new guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson’s to arrive at the studio (he was flying in from his Private Island Shill Key in the Florida Keys that afternoon) Malice realized that they in fact not only recorded their new album in one day, BUT they had 87 other songs on tap.

With this revelation Malice felt they had only one choice, and that was to release a DOUBLE ALBUM. Malice then spent the morning listening to all 87 songs before selecting 22 songs that would make up the second Album titled “The Hardships of Hell”.

By the time Stevenson made his appearance at the studio Malice realized while now that the Double Album they had recorded 41 brand new tracks they still had 46 additional songs.

So Malice thought about it awhile before coming up with the idea of releasing a rare TRIPLE ALBUM, and set out selecting which of the leftover 46 songs they would use. They came together and agreed on this Albums title would be “From Heaven To Hell and Back Again” consisting of 17 songs and 4 singles. The singles the Band decided upon were “Into The Night We Go”, “After Party Freak Show”, “Dive Bar Babes”, and “Lets Get Laid”

When Stevenson arrived he pointed out that Malice still had 29 songs left at their disposal, and suggested Malice release the World’s 1st QUADRUPLE ALBUM. And of course Malice lost their fucking minds over the idea. In return for such an awesome idea Malice rerecorded the last set of 29 songs with Stevenson so he’d be credited for playing on the Album.

Malice even let Stevenson pick the name of the 4th Album and he dubbed it “Entering Heaven/Exiting Hell” sticking with the ongoing theme of Paradise and the Pit.

Malice partied into the early hours of the morning doing Actual Tequila Shots (that is they drew up Tequila in 6cc syringes and injected it directly into their veins.)

April 28th: Malice’s Quadruple Album was an instant success as rabid Fans bought out Record Store after Record Store across the country. The Media Buzz was deafening as Malice’s Phones where rigging off the hook like a real motherfucker. Reporters of kinds camped out in front of Malice’s Mansion Estate gates leading Hardcore Fans to follow suit creating a sizable tent city situation.

Malice spent the entire day lounging around Mtv hanging out, day drinking and acting as impromptu Guest VJs (not to mention banging groupies during commercial breaks or when a video was airing)

By the end of the Business Day Malice’s World Wide Album Sales totaled an estimated $976 Million. The one day success gave way to the rumor that The Chairman of Forbes reportedly shit his pants when he saw the numbers the following morning.

April 29th: Tickets for Malice’s upcoming Tour to promote their Quadruple Album went on Sale at Noon Sharp and 6 seconds later every single American Date of the Malice was completely Sold Out. Which totally blew the tits off of Guinness Book of World Records.

Now Malice was at task scheduling Shows for the subsequent following World Wide Tour. For inspiration the Band went to their Restaurant Take Out Menu drawer. After a few minutes skimming over the large collection of Take Out Menus Malice had set up dates in Thailand, China, India, Mexico,Italy, and Japan.

Malice used the rest of their spare time to practice relentlessly with their new guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson, and over indulging in Hedonistic pursuits.

April 30th: Malice went to down customizing their recently acquired Mansion and Estate. First they had a 4 operate Helicopter Landing Pads one for each of them. Next they turned 2 of their 66 archers into a Mobile Home park loaded with Triple Wides for their Friends, Roadies, Mansion Staff, or as a crash pad for party guests who were to shitfaced to drive.

Izzy was a devoted movie fan so he used 12 archers to build his own Independent Movie Studio he called Ponder This Pictures and Perverse Productions. The Studio was intended to be a stage for struggling independent film makers to help them achieve their dreams. In the end though it sat virtually unused accept for the filming of some extremely high end Homemade Sex Tapes/Full Blown Porno Flix.

Stevie took 5 archers and build a pond so that he could stock it with some of his favorite fish like Alligator Gar, Giant Snakeheads, Electric Eels, Wells Catfish, and Giant Carp just for starters.

Rock used 7 archers to build his own Amusement and Water Park complete with the motto which was  “Neverland is for PopStars”.

Maxi used 1 achar to build a massive Temperature Controlled Greenhouse with a high tech Sprinkler System. She billed as an attempt at Sod Farming. She also took another 4 to built a Small Farm where she had several Cows. At night Maxi would let the Cows graze in the Greenhouse where inevitable Cows being Cow’s would crap all over the fucking place. She claimed it was a trade off of Free Cow Feed and Free Fresh Organic Manure. In reality the set up was designed to be the perfect growing grounds for Magic Mushrooms (or Shrooms for shirt).

  

Other custom additions included seeing up a professional fire work rig on the roof, indoor and out door shooting ranges, ATV Trails, Skate Park, Pirate Ham Radio Station, NASA Flight Simulator, Hi Li Court, installing water fountains rigged with Goldschlager (with its original Alcohol Content of 53.5% or 107 Proof), A Reptile House, 30 Run Dog Kennel, Racing Track, Driving Range (because hitting the shit out of the ball is the only fucking fun part of Golf so fuck the bullshit), Wave Pool, Bocce Ball Court, and 24k Toilets/Urinals encrusted in Gem Stones (“Crapping like a King” as their manager Harold Slickmann would say.

  

April 31st: Malice dedicated the day to preparing for the “Salvation and Damnation Tour” by rehydrating with IV Fluids, Laid off the Narcotics in favor of just Smoking Weed, Only Drank Light Beer, Getting 8 hour massages with 45 minute “Happy Endings”, Meditating, forgoing Sex for Blow Jobs, and Blood Doping.

MALICE: THE BAND THAT ALMOST KILLED US ALL PART 7 COMING SOON

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober