Tag: service industry

Absurdia’s Menu : Meet Our Elite Staff of Culinary Masters Pt 1 (Owner & Maitre d’)

Meet Our Gracious Owner:

The Owner of Absurdia is Mr. Leviticus Van Trundle the Son of Thaddeus Van Trundle, and heir to the Von Trundle Fortune. Leviticus grew up running playfully around the grounds of the Van Trundle Family Estate Prabangus Manor.

Leviticus attended the prestigious Prep School Pengar Pasar Academy until he graduated with minimal honors. Leviticus went on to finish his education at the Well to do Ivy League Elitiste Collage where he in majored in International Culinary Arts, and Ev Ekonomi Bilimi.

After Graduation Leviticus took a Culinary Sabbatical, and embarked upon a Trip that led him to travel to the four corners of the Earth to each and every Country &  Nation on Earth.

This rather lofty idea came to Leviticus in a dream on a Summer’s Night in which the ghost of Winston Churchill, Caligula, Anton Lavey, and Leviticus were having diner together, and discussing Flavor Profiles from the four corners of the Earth.

Upon waking Leviticus decided he must sample every food imaginable in every country possible until he ran out of both in 1999 and opened Absurdia.

 

Meet Our World Class Maitre d’Restaurant:

Irei Yushu has become know through out the World as the absolute pinnacle of Perfection in Maitre d Profession as it is known today.

Ire started his training at age 4 under the strict tutelage of Gurandomasuta (Grand Master) Sabisu no Ryoshu  in the small city of Utashinai located in the Hokkaido Region of Japan.

Irei studied furiously for 22 hours a day 7 days a week for 6 years before even being allowed to look at a proper and professional place setting, but that didn’t phase Irei in the least.

At the tender age of 12 Irei was approved by Gurandomasuta Sabisu no Ryosho to advance to the Saiko No  Academy in the Village of Chichibu, Saitama Prefecture Japan.

At 30 Irei graduated the Saiko No Academy at the Top of his Class, and having earned ever award the Academy Offered was drafted by Shiko Collage of the Maitre d’ Arts in Sapporo City.

Irei Graduated Sabisu no Kotei from Shiko at just 42 years of age making him the youngest graduate by 18 entire years.

Eleven minutes after graduating Irei took the extensive, and brutally intense Fukano Board’s Maitre d’ Exam which is administered over a long, and exhausting 336 hours strait with a 3 minute break for every 24 hours of Testing.

Irei finished the Exam in just under 188 hours, without any breaks, and scored a record high of 999/1200 making Irei the most in demand Maitre d’ since French Maitre d’ Grosse Baise (1809-1918).

Irei’s first job was working the front of house for the Elite Swedish Restaurant Feta Katter before leaving for a job as Head Maitre d’ at the Superbly  Sublime Eatery Spise Pa Joes in Denmark. And finally before working with us at Absurdia (starting in 1999) was the Maitre d’ of Maitre d’s at the Exclusive Norwegian hot spot Spis Fettkake.

While working at Absurdia Irei won the coveted Italian Mangiare Cazzate Premio in 2002-Present, The Lithuanian Bepramiskas Prizas (1999, 2002, 2005, 2008, 2012, 2015, & 2018), The Polish Gownaine Maitr d’ Trofeum (2000, 2004, 2008, 2012, 2018), and Portugal’s Highly Prestigious Fiho Da Puta in (2001-2016 and 2017- Present)

Irei’s Motto is “Perfection isn’t a Goal, Its a Way of Life.”

 

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober

We Don’t NEED a Sign.

Yesterday I along with My Mother drove My Brother and His Wife into the nearest City so They could utilize The Airport there to fly home. We went into the City early so We could have Lunch at some little Bistro that My Brother’s Wife had heard of (I forget if She had or hadn’t been there before or if She is just a real fucking Fan of Vietnamese Food), and wanted to eat at.

My Brother’s Wife is a bit more out on the Trendy curve of things, and NO She is NOT a Hipster thank fuck for that. She is in actuality quite awesome so just wanted to clarify that. So I was curious as a cracked out cat, BUT at the same time wary as shit that this was virtually uncharted waters for Me. I have had Vietnamese food only once or twice in My life and sadly with My aging memory can’t remember much about the food.

Anyways We drove into the working class neighborhood where the Place was located and found a place to park. We then walked about 4-5 blocks to the Bistro or whatever the fuck trendy title They identify Themselves as/with.

What is quite cool is that the Place (I hate trendy shit so I refuse to say Bistro, Gastropub, or Fusion as they are pretentious and inane) is housed in a some what renovated Corner Gas Station.  I say some what because while the Owners had full gutted the shit out of the inside and transformed it into a Hipster Clubhouse with a professional kitchen, the outside remained untouched.

The exterior while being rather plain and completely ordinary it was in need of some attention. The paint was severely cracked and chipping badly, the wore out sun bleached Logos and Advertising for the former Gas Station/ Garage were barely visible.

Another reason to mention the condition and aesthetic is due to the fact the Place is one of those Hipster “We’re so fucking cool We don’t need a Sign or any sort of exterior recognition whatsoever, and don’t Advertise because We’re old school word of mouth trendy Hot Spots so Fuck You.”

Thus if You didn’t know it was a place to eat You’d drive right the fuck past it as You would just immediately dismissed it (if You acknowledged it at all) as just another Abandoned Gas Station/Garage so in fact fuck Them.

We decided to sit outside under the awning that used to protect the Pumps and customer’s from Rain, but now Tables. Inside not only was unpleasing They were also fucking blaring some shitty Folk EMD Hybrid shit at Night Club Level for some ungodly reason.

The menu was small with only 6 items on it which I liked as I’m not too familiar with Vietnamese food, and thus wouldn’t be overwhelmed by a larger menu. In the end I tapped out and let My Brother pick for Me. I didn’t want to waste time lingering and loitering staring blankly at the menu as if all of a sudden it would be come clearer to me.

On the reverse side of the menu were the beverages. The first thing I noticed was the entire drink menu were Alcoholic. I have NO problem with Alcohol and am a fan of Beer, but not at 12:30 pm on a fucking Tuesday for fuck’s sake. What I found funny as fuck was at the very fucking bottom of the drink menu it said in tiny lettering “If You Would Like A NON-Alcholic Beverage Please Ask Your Waiter/Waitress”

I thought this was funny because People in general would expect it to be the other way around where one would have to ask for alcohol as the alternative. I also found it wildly fucking entertaining that at the bottom of the Food side of the menu it read again in tiny lettering:

Buy Kitchen a Beer- If you enjoyed your food & want a chance to do something nice for the kitchen staff.

I found myself wondering after reading the above “So what they whole staff splits a singular beer? That doesn’t seem very nice. And why only Kitchen Staff what about the fucking servers? What They don’t deserve a fucking free beer?! Bullshit.

I decided to play it say and stick with fucking water. I didn’t wan to waste ( fucking dollars on some crazy Asian soda/juice only to take a sip to find out I hated it. Fucking Hipster Prices.

The Food was really good and very fucking spicy which again I really thought was cool. The only thing I didn’t dig about are Server was One when You read of what you wanted He had to be a pretentious twat and repeated with its proper pronunciation in a condescending manner.

Two was when He asked “Would You like more water Bro?” I take issue with this because come on Guy “Bro “talk about un-fucking-professional. Also I HATE BEING CALLED BRO. I’m not Your Bro in any way shape or fucking form. I don’t want to be refereed to a Bro as I think Bros are complete pieces of human shit. Fuck You Bro, Fuck Bro, Fuck You.

In the end it was a good meal at a odd Hipster hangout with an excellent outside eating/seating area. The staff weren’t overtly dicks keeping the Douchebaggery to a minimum. They didn’t pipe the shitty Folk EMD music outside through speakers or what have You. The only down side was the aforementioned Hipster Prices which resulted in a fucking $92.49 bill for a basic Lunch deal.

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober