Pick Up Artists Are Fucking Frauds

I’ve been meaning to write something on this subject for quite awhile but basically forgot about it. The other Day however I was rifling through countless Notebooks and Shit reviewing My Numerous Notes, and Low and Behold I saw a Note about doing a Pick Up Artist Piece. Since there is No Time like the Present as They say so Here We Go.

            

So what the fuck is a Pick Up Artist? Well Their a Bunch of Over Zealous Frat Boy Date Rapist Douchebags who run around like They Bleed Red Bull with this Fake Bravado claiming to have Fail Safe Techniques to get Guys Laid. They go as far as to create bullshit Persona’s for Themselves (based on the Alpha Male Mythology) like Their fucking Rappers or Comic Book Superheroes which is Pretty fucking Lame. They basically try Their damnedest to Emulate the Stereotypical Macho Assholes They think Woman want to Be with a Great Deal of Overkill (A Perfect Example is Tom Cruise’s Fictional Character in the Movie Magnolia). Point being They’re Fake as Fuck from the Get Go.

What do Pick Up Artists (Who I will now refer to as Pick Up Assholes since that’s a far more accurate description) Do? Well essentially They prey on Shy, Insecure, Introverted, and Socially Anxious Gullible Guys Who have legit issues when it comes to Relating to Women. They Promise if the Guys follow (aka Pay For) Their “Techniques” that They are guaranteed to be transformed into a Slick, Suave Ladies Man that Woman will Line Up to have Sex With. These  Techniques to Trick Women into Sleeping with You are so fucking convoluted (Not to Mention Overly Complicated as well) they come off like so sort of Hybrid of Military Code crossed with Advanced Calculous.

              

The Pick Up Asshole recruits New Clients the same fucking way a Drug Dealer Does it’s the same fucking Method. The Process starts off Free via Youtube Video Suggestions that Lead the User down a Youtube Rabbit Hole of this Pick Up Asshole indoctrination. Next the Client is coherst into taking the Next Step which is Purchasing Several Hundreds of Dollars worth of Pick Up Asshole Books and so called Study Materials. Then once the Guy is Hooked their directed to take it up to the Next Level by attending a Paid Seminar which lets face it are Glorified Ted Talks. And These Scam Seminars aren’t cheap not by a fucking long shot as They Run $1,000 to $3000 depending on Who’s Charging. Scam Seminars can be Half a day up to 3 Days and Again the Longer the Seminar the Higher the Ticket Price.

NOW FOR MY REAL POINT. These Pick Up Assholes operate like a wannabe Secret Society with Heavily Guarded and Allegedly Flawless Techniques that also Assumes Women Don’t know Anything About Them. Thus like a Magician or Illusionist for the Techniques to Work You Don’t tell a Single Soul how the Trick(s) are Done. I mean it’s Far Easier to Win a Game if the Other Opponent doesn’t Know They’re Playing. Point Being that the Whole Pick Up Asshole Sub Culture is based on and Thrives on these Alleged Techniques to Manipulate  Woman into Sleeping with You.

                

Here is the the Argument My Point is Based on which is How the fuck is a Secret Society Effective if Everyone Knows about it. You Don’t see the fucking Free Masons running around Explaining Themselves to the Outside World. You See in 2007 one of The Pick Up Asshole’s Major Players who goes by Nickname Mystery had a Reality TV Show Literally called “The Pick Up Artist”. The show was a moderate success and Lasted for Two Season from August 6, 2017 through November 30, 2008 that was Broadcast on National fucking Television. The entire Premise of the Shitty Show was Nine Male Contestants who are Unlucky in Love/With the Ladies get Pointers in the “Fine Art” of picking up Woman from Self Proclaimed Seduction Artist Mystery and His two Wingmen, Tara and Matador. The Show presented all the Tricks of the Trade again to a National Audience for Two fucking Years in a Row, and These Pick Up Assholes never realized WOMEN WATCH TV TOO WOMEN LIKE REALITY TV SHOWS/COMPETITIONS TOO. The Ultimate Result was instead of Boosting Cliental and Their Bank Accounts the Pick Up Artists taught Women that this Bullshit Exists, AND How it’s Done.

The Show had Exposed and Explained all of the Pick Up Bullshit to an Audience that included MILLIONS of Women thus rendering the Systems Useless. The Jig Was Up. Luckily for the Scumfuck Pick Up Artists Time Passes and People’s Memories Fade Away so the Industry went back Underground and regrouped from Pick Up Artist Show clusterfuck.

            

Fast Forward to 2020 and as I mentioned Earlier the Pick Up Artists have Gravitated to Youtube to Promote Their Ridiculous Horseshoe. Now it makes sense that in the Age of Social Media that Anyone with a Business would Use it as a Major PR Tool. How do You keep Your Techniques a Secret from Women when Your Posting Video after Video Advertising, Demonstrating, and Showcasing Your Brand of Techniques?! And Not to Beat a Dead Horse here, BUT WOMEN WATCH YOUTUBE TOO so again these Pick Up Assholes are Shooting Themselves in the fucking Foot. Secret Techniques DON’T WORK if Everyone Especially the Target Group KNOWS ALL ABOUT THEM for Fuck’s Sake. These Assholes need to Buy a fucking Dictionary and Look Up the Definition of Detrimental.

Thats the Equivalent of say During World War 2 America called up the Japanese Military and said “Oh Hey America here We just wanted to inform You wWe have invented the Biggest and Deadliest Bomb Known to Man. It’s called an Atom Bomb and We’re going to Drop one on Hiroshima on August 6th, and one on Nagasaki on August 9th. It will cause Mass Destruction and Death so Stay Tuned.” It’s also like America calling Osama Bin Ladin and saying “Hey There Bunny Old Boy we have a Elite Navy Seal Team in Route to Your Locations so Please Stay Put.” And the Simplest Metaphor would be a Bank Robber standing in front of a Bank in a Ski Mask waving His Gun Around and Screaming at the top of his Lungs “HEY EVERYBODY I’M ABOUT TO ROB THIS FUCKING BANK RIGHT HERE!!!! Its Utterly fucking Moronic Seriously Who does shit like that? No One Thats fucking Who.

              

You may be wondering at this point Why then would these Outrageous Assholes still be Doing what They’re Doing in spite of the Aforementioned Reasons that due to Over Exposure the Pick Up Artists Fieldi s an  Increasingly Futile Venture? The Answer is Simple They do it for the Attention and the Money the two things these Over Rated Con Artists are Really Interested in. I Mean really Who cares if Everyone Knows Your full of fucking shit if there Still Poor Suckers out there Buying all Your Bullshit Merchandise and Tickets to Your Shitty Seminars.

The Saddest part of the Whole Pick Up Asshole Scams are when al is said and done the Client is Out Hundreds to Thousands of Dollars, have a bunch of Utterly Useless Materials and Techniques. The Worst part is on Top of all that They Still Can’t Score with the Ladies. Even if You Play Devil’s Advocate and let’s say all the bullshit Techniques actually worked it still Ends Badly. Hooking Up is Fun when You’re Young, but there comes that time when on Day You wake up and go “I’m tired of all this bullshit.” ,and then realize You want more out of Life than just Meaningless Sex. The Problem is if all You know is How to Hook Up with Women You’re left out in the Cold in the End. That’s because You don’t have a fucking Clue about having or maintaining an Actual Relationship be it Long Term or Otherwise. Essential it doesn’t matter which Path You choose to take They both end up in an Isolated and Alienated Existence Absolutely Alone.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

(P1:21amT)

The Return Of THE TEXPOCALYPSE!

It’s been a Long while to Say the Least since We have had a Textpocolypse, and Honestly it’s Overdue. The Textpocolypse Posts are some of the (Insane, Obscene, and Absurd) Text Exchanges between Our Dear Friend and Partner in Crime Spacedog and Our Defacto Leader Les Sober. So without a Further A Due lets get to it.

Spacedog: Oh no your fetus is exhibiting very cult like behavior.

Les: Umm…it must be Jim Jones Syndrome. Fetal Cult Like Behavior is the Kid Brittany’s Kid?! LOL fuck Her…Apparently most of NJ Has.

Spacedog: I think you are the only straight man that’s fucked her that isn’t dead or institutionalized LOL.

Les: I know talk about dodging a Bullet! Her cunt is Cursed, its Abortion Central No Fetus can survive THE WOMB OF DOOM! What in Your opinion would constitute an “Excessively Small Penis”? I’m wondering it was in a Police Report on this HBO crime Documentary Series, and its been Bouncing around in My Brain ever since.

Spacedog: Excessively to me is under 4-4.5 inches. Kinda the same as what I consider an excessively small person but feet for them.

Les: Ok I was wondering since Micro Penis is more commonly as a Baby Dick. So Excessively Small was a bit vague as far as I was and am Concerned.

Spacedog: My personal definition is the point at where the penis to me no longer feels sexy and begins to make me feel uncomfortable. My body lets me know because I become extremely ticklish LOL. At what point does a tit become big?

              

Les: Somewhere between Hung and Monster Cock???

Spacedog: I said TIT. Your definitely thinking bout cock more than me tonight LOL.

Les: My Bad I’ll ask My Wife…..

Spacedog: I mean like would 30dd be a big tit regardless of who it was on? Like a midget? an 8 year old? I mean I just would say they had unfortunate tits.

Les: My Wife said once a titty reaches the size of a 9 month old Baby’s Head it’s Big, and apparently from there the Titty Size equates to how much they hurt the Woman’s Back.

              

(* a Minute or Two goes by)

Les:CORRECTION: I relayed the Facts Wrong it’s not a 9 month Old Baby’s head it is in Fact that of a Full Grown Adult. My Bad. Sorry I’m still stuck on the Excessively Small Dick Definition. Does Width Factor in its Excessive Smallness? Example: 3″ prick and the Width/Circumference of a #2 Pencil? AND if So is that the Origin of the Insult of calling someone a Pencil Dick as in “Hey Pencil Dick Move Out of the Way. AND if that does having a 2” dick with the Width/Circumference of a Pencil be where the Insult Pin Dick came from, like “Brittany is a Pin Dick Bug Fucker”???  We have reached a Whole New Level of Dick Jokes or Genital Jokes if You will.

               

Spacedog: I think pencil dick can be a pencil dick regardless of length. I used to joke about my friend fucking me was like shoving some Angel hair pasta up my ass and his dick was 8 inches.

Les: Skinny Dick Syndrome.

Spacedog: I’m doing my first grocery pickup. Ugh. Not that I’m afraid of getting Infected by someone breathing on my car, but I really dred much human interaction. All for some kombucha and epic meat bars LOL!

Les: Grocery Pick Up is Dope, We have done it several times. COVID or No COVID I dread having interactions with Other People so No Change Here Lmfao. Epic Meat Bars? WTF are They and Where can I get some? Seriously if that’s a Thing I’m in.

(*Spacedog Texts Link to EPIC Provisions and Their Bar Variety Pack featuring a 10 Bar Pack featuring Bison, 2 Varieties of Chicken, Venison, 2 Varieties of Beef, Lamb, Turkey, Uncured Bacon, and Wild Boar.)

Spacedog: They had 2 of these at shoprite.

                

Les: What constitutes a Monster Clit? I figure 3 inches because thats the size You could Safely hang Your Keys On. My Wife said around 2″ and I called bullshit. She then pulled the fucking I have One Card and Now its a Monster Clit Standoff. Some shit You just can’t Google. Whoa hot damn they got some serious Variety I like that Wild Boar that’s Wild. BISON! Now I can Eat like a goddamn Cowboy.

Spacedog: I mean isn’t a standard clit at least an Inch? I examined a nice one before but it wasn’t so small I needed a monocle. The most daring I go at shoprite was Venison. so I’m doooooomed I have been avoiding pickup of food for months. So my parents and sister are all like pickup pickup so I finally am tomorrow. In the middle of a Tropical Storm. It’s a bad sign kinda like seeing a gaping hole before you are about to fuck someone. Also how the fuck is it the F storm already? I’ve not been paying attention.

               

Les: Tropical Storm in NJ that’s fucked up all I’m saying is when I lived there We never had a anything close to a Tropical Storm. I though that shit was reserved for fucking Florida and all that shit. We sat through God fucking knows how many Hurricanes living in the Glorified Swamp called Florida. Grades 1 through 3 aren’t so Bad really, but the time We had a Category 4 that shit was fucking Unnerving as hell. It was one of the very few times in My Life I thought I just might Die.

Spacedog: Anyway Jersey now has a “covid controversy”. My mom’s friend’s grandkids baby momma went to Florida and the one chick said she was infected going to work, but the other lady said its not true. I hope the first lady is wrong I like the second lady I’d rather pot brownie Kathy not die LOL

Les; People are such self absorbed assholes. If You went to fucking Florida which is currently a COVID Plagued Swamp in the First Place You’re a fucking Idiot. If You even think that You might be Infected STAY THE FUCK HOME. Period. LONG LIVE POT BROWNIE KATHY! I though NJ was making Everyone Quarantine for 14 Days before being allowed to enter the State. Not sure why the fuck anyone would want to go to NJ for anything is beyond Me. I have a Relative that needs to head back to NJ to check in on a Bunch of Projects and other various bullshit, and While They understand the NJ Quarantine They still Don’t like it. It adds 2 weeks where You can’t do Dick but sit around Your fucking House so it Royally fucks up Their Timeline.

              

Spacedog: This is some self entitled bitch who the minute her kid popped out of her pussy was all like btw I never loved you to the husband I just wanted a kid. Yeah that kind of blows. I hope my old aunt and uncle in Myrtle Beach are okay. Fuck my cousins they are a bunch of trumpers, I’m sure their guns and booze will protect them. At least in NJ she won’t have to be thinking about 2 out of every 10 people she sees have COVID.

Les: What a Cunt and a Perfect Reason NOT to have a fucking Kid. That Kid is gonna have some serious fucking issues with a WHore of a Mom like that. If Your Cousin’s Guns and Booze Don’t Work They can Drink Bleach, Inject Lysol, Shove UV Lights up Their Asses, or They can go the Asshole Evangelical Route and Claim They are Protected from COVID because They are Bathed in the Blood of Christ. Well if COVIDIOTS like Her keeping getting into NJ regardless of the Quarantine Protocol She very well might have to deal with a 2 in 10 Infection Ratio Sooner or Later. Thrupers and Other COVIDIOTS Here are Changing Their Tune BIG TIME, We went from “Fuck Masks” to 95% or Higher Now Wearing Masks. Why You Ask? Its because You can’t Deny or Down Play COVID once the Infection Rate Grows to the Point People and Their Friends, Family, and Co-Workers are Contracting COVID. Ignorance is Bliss Until It’s Obliterated by the Facts/Truth.

           

Spacedog: Yeah once it gets like NY/NJ which it is now most people tend to freak the fuck out especially when they are dead. Why waste a Prayer on the Born Again Bullshitters when you can call bishop chip (Link Enclosed: lutheranorthodoxchurch.org) that would be my cousin. He’s also the one with the corpse bride and the kid with fetal alcohol syndrome. Ok I should stp now LOL. Eh the 4th wife was a keeper. Trump is up to a 67% disapproval rating and not looking good for anything other then him screaming rigged 456.348 billion times between now and January. The .348 is factoring in his mini-strokes.

Les: Goddamn Dead People always Freaking the hell Out the fucking Drama Queen Corpses that They are. Toddler Trumpy is going to Rage Shit His Shorts, 67% disapproval Honestly I thought it be Higher since Trumpy is suck a Fucking Fuck Up Motherfucker. .348 Mini Strokes, That would be Epically Awesome and I hope it would be while He’s on Camera the Obeses Orange Asshole LMFAO!!!

SpaceDog: They actually had 5 minutes trump slurring his words like he’s having a stroke montage on MSNBC early morning. I’m pretty sure they do shit like that purposely to fuck with him cuz they know he’s watching. I wanna start a q-anon rumor that the real purpose of the Lincoln Project is not just to defeat trump, but that they are cloning Lincoln to be a Democrat.

              

Les: That’s fucking Awesome montage and must have been fucking Hilarious. Ah Trumpy You Feeble Minded Mush Mouthed Old Man with the World’s Shittiest Spray Tan. If MSNBC is going all Lincoln Project on Trumpy’s Fragile Ego I would have more Respect for Them thats for Sure.

Spacedog: Oh no it was replayed from the daily show now that I think about it.

Les: YES! I have thought about fucking with the Miniscule Minds of the MAGAssholes Q-Anon Conspiracy cocksuckers too! It must be a fucking sign that We must fuck with Trumpy Supporting Idiotic Assholes.

Spacedog: But yeah every morning Joe Scarborough usually goes to a single camera shot saying “Well Donald…” So trump literally the First Person ever with Dementia where the TV really is Talking to Him.

               

Les: That’s cool I’m a Fan of The Daily Show. HOLY FUCKING SHIT Trumpy’s Dementia and His TV Obsession Collide!!! I can’t stop Laughing! GODDAMN LMFAO!

Spacedog: So I just noticed something about that page of my cousin I sent you. He must be loaded I noticed that he is CEO pf the “Lutheran Orthodox” Church. My cousin invented a church. I may not believe a word he says but that was Genius.

Les: That shows how fucked up things are Today that fucking Church’s have fucking CEOs. Thats basically Admitting Churches are Businesses just like any Other Corrupt Corporation.

           

That’s All For Now Anyways.

Thanks For Reading,

By    Les Sober & Spacedog 

No One Care What The Hell You Had For Lunch.

Social Media has been a crucial tool since its creation that has Contributed to the Ever Growing Societies’s  Egotistical Idiocy. Tech has/had unlimited potential, But People became Addicted to Social Media and its False Sense of Importance. People actually think ANYONE gives a flying fuck what They had for Lunch?! Yet People Post Pictures of Their Lunch likes its the most Awe Inspiring Event of Their fucking Lives.

The One Aspect in the Social Media’s Dumbing Down of America that’s Never Mentioned is the Personal “Status Updates” that People love to Use like there’s No Tomorrow (Facebook being the Number one Offender). You know what I’m talking about it’s those Pre Written Idle Bullshit like “Linda is Loving Life”, “Matt is at Starbucks”, or “Phil changed His Relationship Status to It’s Complicated.” that Users have come to Rely on.

              

Again Who fucking Cares How You Feel every Minute of the Goddamn Day?! You’re Not Nearly That Special. That’s the trick of Social Media it makes You feel far more Important than You actually Ever will be in all likelihood.

It’s the Utter Distain and Unfathomable Contempt for such Social Media Drivel is the Reason I have created a New (More Honest and Way More Realistic) List Status Updates. Enjoy.

  • Barry is Currently having Wild Sex with a Goat.
  • Louis is Busy Cooking Meth
  • Chuck is watching Hardcore German Porn.
  • Dave has Explosive Diarrhea.
  • Warren is Donating Sperm Again.
  • Linda is Hungover as Hell and Projectile Vomiting.
  • Francis is Window Shopping on Amazon like an Asshole.
  • Quinn is Writing Erotic Stories about a Nun and an Alter Boy.
  • Rex is considering a Career as a Urologist.
  • Aron is a Closet Nazi.

              

  • Gill is Bidding on an Antique Chastity Belt on eBay.
  • Luke is Ordering a Mail Order Bride from Croatia.
  • Marry is Doomsday Prepping for the Apocalypse.
  • Richard is Googling How to Preform an At Home Prostate Exam.
  • Will is Surfing the Dark Web for a Hitman.
  • Jerry is Busy Manscaping.
  • Blair is having a Heavy Flow Day.
  • Arnold Believes Pimping Ain’t Easy.
  • Kelly just woke up in a Pool of Her Own Vomit.
  • Zelda is Wondering Why Animal Assholes and the Opening is Soda Lids look the Same.

              

  • Brittany just tried Anal Sex for the First Time.
  • Valerie is Waxing Everything.
  • Billy is Ordering Asian Sex Toys Online.
  • Beth is Considering getting into Porn.
  • Shelby is Eating a Shit Sandwich.
  • Florence is working on Her New Fuzzy Costume for The Furry Ball.
  • Steve is Tripping Balls on Some Insane Blotter Acid.
  • Francine is Getting Furiously Finger Fucked.
  • Larry is imagining what it’s like to Titty Fuck Bob’s Man Boobs.
  • Rick just made an Appointment to get His Taint Tattooed.=

              

  • Carl can’t Handle is Booze.
  • Scott Tried Smoking Crack and Loved it.
  • Alice took a Massive Shit and is Looking at it Now.
  • Nick is Writing Shit on a Bathroom Wall.
  • Gill is refilling His Prescription for Viagra at The Pharmacy.
  • Travis is making All Natural Hand Made Tampons for His Wife.
  • Racheal is Learning How to Taxidermy and Practicing on Roadkill.
  • Sam is practicing making Balloon Animals Using His Dick.
  • Zander Enjoys Hot Sauce Enemas.
  • Albert is a Colonicholic.

              

  • Alice is starting a Flea Circus due to a Vaudeville Fetish.
  • Blair Farted and it smells like She Needs a Proctologist.
  • Stan just Shit Himself standing in Line at a Fast Food Restaurant.
  • Ralph is Thinking of Purchasing a High End Sex Doll for Christmas.
  • Stella is Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor behind WaWa.
  • Freddy is Attending a Family Reunion Where He’s the Creepy Uncle.
  • Stacy still Wets the Bed Weekly.
  • Benny was Banging an Inflatable Sex Doll and it Exploded Blowing off Both His Balls.
  • Nina is becoming Sexually Aroused watching Animals have Sex in a Nature Documentary.
  • Walt is Listening to Anal Cunt’s Greatest Hits.

              

  • Trent is Reading the Current Copy of Guns & Ammo at His Grandmother’s Funeral
  • Tiffany is Coated Head to Toe in KY Jelly.
  • Robbie is Wondering if Sex with a 3rd Cousin Removed Constitutes Incest.
  • Ken is Hiring a Prostitute.
  • Karen is Scoring Drugs Right Now in a Shitty Neighborhood.
  • Eddie is on Psychedelics and Hiding from a Plate of French Fries.
  • Bart just lost a Staring Contest with a Bowl of Oatmeal.
  • Dominic is Sucking off the Band Hanson Backstage.
  • Annie is Considering getting into Fisting.
  • Paula is having Sex in a Coffin to see if Necrophilia is for Her.

              

  • Vivian is Popping Pain Killers and Downing Them with Whiskey.
  • Holly is Polishing Her Nipple Clamp Collection.
  • Herbert is a German Cannibal.
  • Taylor is paying for Collage with the Money He made in Porn as a Stunt Cock.
  • Ryan is Measuring His Dick.
  • Stewart is trying to Figure Out if occasionally peeking at Another Man’s Pecker at the Urinal makes Him Gay.
  • Tiffany is Bleaching Her Asshole because She’s about to get Back into the Dating World.
  • Gary is Cat fishing His Sister.
  • Olga Thinks Hand Jobs are Outdated.
  • Jillian has a Habit of Humping the Homeless.

           

  • Bart got His Dick Stuck in a Swedish Penis Pump.
  • Becky thinks Lindsey Her Best Friend is kinda of a Cunt.
  • Eloise is on the Way to the Emergency Room with a Ruptured Breast Implant.
  • Diana has a Surgically Reconstructed Asshole.
  • Ari is getting Botox Treatments for His Scrotum Wrinkles.
  • Peter is walking His Dog and Watching as it Takes a Shit.
  • Deloris just crapped so Hard She Prolapsed Her Asshole.
  • Sue is Sniffing Glue getting a White Trash High.
  • Dale is making Wind Chimes out of Natty Ice Cans to Sell in the Local Trailer Parks.
  • Gabby Ate Her Inner Child.

                

  • Henry is Growing Shitty Ditch Weed in His Attic.
  • Donovan is in Reddit Chats while Wearing His Grandmother’s Underwear.
  • Jake shot a Man just to Watch Him Die, But Got Distracted and Missed it.
  • Reese got His Dick Stuck in a Chinese Finger Trap He won at the County Fair.
  • Lucy is in Love with an Alcoholic Carnie that reminds Her of Her Dad.
  • Reggie is walking around is House looking for Things He can Use to Improvise a Cock Ring.
  • Selma had Her Stomach Pumped just for the Experience.
  • Trina is Reading About Historic Safe Sex Methods/Practices.
  • Brittany is having Her 17th Abortion.
  • Oliver May Have Been Abducted by Aliens and Extensively Anal Probed.

              

Thanks For Reading,

  By Les Sober

(Posted @ 1:37am)

Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Pt 8: The Languishing Life Of Being On The Road

May 16th:

The Members of Malice regained Consciousness on the Tour Bus with No Recollection whatsoever  of How They came to be on the Bus, But in Malice’s World it was a Common Occurrence. The Band’s Manager Harold Slickmann had simply had the Roadies Load the Band back onto the Bus just like with Their Instruments and Associated Gear. Somewhere   around the Second Pitcher of Bloody Mary’s the Bands Bassist Ook announced an Immediate Emergency Band Meeting along with the Band’s Guitarist Ick. At the Meeting Slickmann Spoke on Behalf of the Introverted Twins as He Felt it would make the Discussion Easier in the End.

Apparently Ick and Ook aka The Oaklund Brothers had always felt that in Fact they were Siamese Twins Trapped in to Separate Bodies. They had been feeling this way for some Time now, and wanted to Inform the Band that Based on Their Feelings the Brothers were Scheduled to have a Shady and Risky Elective Experimental Surgery. The Twins Flight to Puruvia which was the Only Country in the Entire World that Allowed the Controversial Procedure, and the Tour Bus was currently in Route to the Nearest International Airport.

           

Once there The Brothers would Fly 76 Hours Straight to Puruvia where Tomorrow (due the Insanity of International Time Zones) They would Undergo what was called a “Conjoinectomy”. A Conjoinectomy was a Fringe Science Surgery in which the Twins would be Attached Together so to Speak Transforming Them into Siamese Twins. The Brothers had Not Only Felt Severed from One another They also Believed They were Destined to be Siamese as well.

Since the Twins would thus be Conjoined The Brothers would Not be Returning to Join Malice, and Instead They would be going on Hiatus Indefinitely. Malice Dropped the Brothers off at the Roy “Boy” Baritone International Airport, Bid Them Farewell, and Hit The Road to Find The Oakerlund Brothers Replacements.

May 17th:

Malice pulled into Bangor Maine’s Arctic Circle Stadium so goddamn Early in the Morning the Band was still fucking Partying from the Night Before. After doing Endless Rails of 99.9% Pure Colombian Fish Scale Cocaine the Band was Amped to Audition Their New Guitarist and Bassist. The Band was a bit Dismayed to find out there were No Actual Auditions since this was a rather Last Minute Dilemma. So in Lou of Live Auditions Slickmann had Spent all Night Soliciting Previous Interested Parties as it were. The Band was so Tweaked on Cocaine They could barely Focus on the Task at Hand. Considering They didn’t feel the Need to Read through a Ton of Applicants Resumes decided instead to just Leave the Decision to Slickmann to Select Malice’s next Guitarist and Bassist for Them.

            

Slickmann didn’t mind this Idea as a matter of Fact He thought it utterly Delightful since there wouldn’t be any Bullshitting, Ego, Envy, Or Intoxicated Outbursts of Difference of Opinion to Deal with. Slickmann took the better part of an Hour peruse the Applications and Resumes alike and made His Selection of the Replacement Musicians. Slickmann reassembled the Band in the Stadiums Executive Suite to make the Announcement of the New Members. Slickmann told the Band that For Bassist He had chosen MC Satanic Semen who was a Prominent Member of Australia’s Underground Brutal Horrorcore Scene for the Last few Years with a Growing Cult Like Fan Base. MC Satanic Semen had played in Such Horrorcore Pioneering Bands such as Vicious Bollocks, Cunt Fart, Assgasm, Mangled Mangina, Asshat, Shitting Blood, Cumming Feces, and Fist Fucking Fuckers.

The Band thought bringing MC Satanic Semen was a inovative New Idea to keep the Band Evolving, and Rock Harder it turned out had collaborated with several Horrorcore/Brutal Horrorcore Musicians during His Career. Murphy also turned out to be a Fan of the Horrorcore Genre as well so Slickmann couldn’t have been Happier with the Results. Next Slickmann Unveiled His Guitarist Selection which was Dominick Disorder Who was a Prolific Grindcore Musician from Europe. Dominick had played in Bands such as Retarded Dildo, Shit Covered Cocks, Ice Pick Prostitute, Torture Maggot, Putrid Cunnilingus, NecroCunt, and Erotic Vomit. He had also done more Collaborations with other Grindcore Groups/Musicians with such names as Screaming Ejaculation, Fuck and You, Barbwire Cock Ring, Solo Shit, Bloody Bowel Syndrome, Shitting Soup, and Vaginal Vomit.

           

Again the Band thought this was a good Strategic Move since They had been reading a Variety of Articles on Them and They weren’t Happy with what They were Reading in the Least. The Consensus being Malice was Nothing more than a Dime a Dozen Party Band Who whole Musical Repertoire consisted of Songs about Drinking, Girls, Partying, and Sex. Malice had recently been compared to Several 1980’s Hair/Glam Bands like Montley Crew, Kiss, and Poison. Thus Malice was looking to Beef Up Their Reputation and Musical Street Cred and Hiring a Well Known Grindcore Guitarist along with a Prolific Horrorcore Bassist would definitely  make People Sit Up reconsider Their Opinion of the Band. Now with Their New Guitarist and Bassist in Tow Malice headed off to Sound Check.

May 18th:

That Nights Show was the Definition of Chaotic, but Luckily the Audience were Accepting of Dominick Disorder as the Band’s New Guitarist. Unfortunately the Sediment was Not the Same as Far as MC Satanic Semen was concerned. His primary issue was He was playing all the Malice Songs in  Horrorcore (which was an Interesting Idea) the Problem was He was the Only One in Malice doing so. The Conflicting sound didn’t sit well at all with the Increasingly Frustrated Audience. As the Set went on the Audience became increasing Combative as They started Yelling Insults, and Throwing all kinds of Shit onto the Stage (and at The Members of Malice Themselves).

              

Malice for Their part bobbed and weaved like Professional Boxers to Avoid being Hit while Still Playing at the Same Time. Finally after a Disastrous set Malice made Their way Directly from the Stage to Their Tour Bus as Fast as Fuck. The Fans were Confused and had grown Frustrated, and from the Frustration The Fans had grown Agitated to a Great Degree. As Security Stepped in to Help Evacuate the Premises before a Possible Riot Erupted. Needless to Say the Concert Promoters where Furious and Wanted Their Money Back. They claimed Malice had Failed in Their Performance Duties Resulting in Fans Demanding a Refund from the Promotor who wasn’t about to Lose Money on a Deal gone Sideways.

            

Luckily for Malice( since They were in the Process of Hiring a New Bassist and Guitarist) The Band’s Lawyer TR McCoy discovered a discrepancy in Malice’s Contract. The Discrepancy was the Band had never actually Signed the Contracts in Full, that is the New Members hadn’t signed the Contract in all the Chaos to get Ready for said Concert. Without all 5 Signatures the Contract was Rendered Null and Void. Malice Celebrated Their Dodging yet Another Bullet, and Partied Late into the Night Butt Chugging  Pol Roger Sir Winston Churchill Champagne which at the Time Retailed for $1,175 a Bottle.

May 19th:

Malice had the Day of on the Road since They had to Travel from Bangor Maine to the Village of Mound in Louisiana for the Next Show. The Main Topic on Everyones Mind was MC Satanic Semen’s impromptu Horrorcore Renditions of Malice Songs during a Live Show. The Band dressed Their Concerns with MC who for His Part of insanely Self Righteous and Far Beyond Defensive. His view was He was providing a New Innovation of Sorts, and it wasn’t His Fault that the Rest of the Band failed to Follow Suit. Malices argument was Obviously MC’s Stunt had Rattled Their Fans into Malice Almost Not Getting Pain for the Concert. Still the Fiasco would Undoubted Haunt Malice in Booking Future Shows as Promotors would Now consider Them a Higher Risk.

MC was Adamant that It wasn’t His fault but Malice’s for being so fucking Unoriginal They could see a Good Concept when it was Right in Front of Them. Malice’s Manager Harold Slickmann could see the Writing on the Wall from a Mile Away and MC had To Go Immediately. Slickmann then Talked to McCoy to see if there was any Legal Recourse the Band could take to End Their Affiliation with MC without creating a Shitshow. Again Malice managed to Dodge Yet Another Bullet since MC hadn’t signed the Contract using His Legal God Given Name (Which was Gilbert Melvin), and had opted to Sign the Band Contract which again Nullified the Contract letting Malice completely off the Hook. MC was informed of His Mistake when Signing the Contract and Thus He was Fired on the Spot.

MC was fucking Livid since He had just put His Musical Career (aka Other Musical Endeavors) to Play Solely with Malice, and Now He felt Cheated more or Less Out of His Money, Time, and Talent. So Enraged and Insulted by the Firing MC Started to Rant Uncontrollably airing Every Grievance He apparently ever Had most of Which had Absolutely Nothing to Due with Malice (Seriously He was Only in the Band just Short of 72 Hours Total). During His Rant MC strode over to a Toolbox that had been left by Accident on the Tour Bus by an Absent Minded Roadie/Jack of all Trades. MC removed a Large Drill from inside of the Toolbox and Calmly Plugged it In while Continuing His Ranting and Raving. Once the Drill had Power MC started incessantly Babbling about How if His Creativity was going to Be Stifled by Anyone it would BE Him and Him Alone. MC then Proceeded to Prove His point as it were by Lobotomizing Himself with the Drill. The Blood Splatter decorated the Bus so it looked more like a Slaughterhouse than a Tour Bus.

         

Malice decided the Best thing to due in this Scenarios was to Simply Drop the Freshly Lobotomized MC off at the Nearest Psychiatric Ward, and Then Hose out the Blood on the Bus. After They did as They had Planned Malice Hit the Road Again heading for Louisiana.

May 20th:

Malice’s Tour Bus rolled into the Village of Mound in Louisiana around 9am to find that Mound had No Hotel/Motels. In Fact there was a Whole Hell of a lot of Anything really. Malice quickly found out the Reason Why the Thing about Mound was the Population of Mound was Exactly 14 People (Who were all Relatives) Total. This didn’t Phase Malice as far as the Show was Concerned. They were met by Mound’s current Mayor Elisa Elder who escorted the Band to the rather Small Hand Built Stage Located behind the Old Hotel which had been Bought and Converted into a Private Residence. It just so Happened the Residents of the Old Hotel (Now referred to as The Hotel House) were Rabid Malice Super Fans and the Concert had been Their Idea. The Village had put it to a Vote and the Results were 11-2 in Favor of The Concert.

The Problem facing Malice/The Concert was Malice had just Dropped Their Last Bassist Off at a Psych Ward after He Lobotomized Himself to make a Point. As Lady Luck Smiled Upon the Band Once More a Young Man Named Eli Elder the Son of the Mayor was Big Malice Fan knowing each and Every Song Malice had Ever Done. Eli just so Happened to be a Bass Player without a Band so Malice had Eli sit in on Bass for that Evenings Show.

           

That Evening Malice took the Carpenter’s Special of a Stage and Played Their Entire 2 Hour Set followed by an Additional Hour of Encores. Malice ended up Staying in Mound overnight (which was Highly Unexpected considering Malice tended to be Higher Maintenance) as Guests in Various Residents Home until They Departed the Following Morning for Moscow Arkansas.

May 21st:

As Malice was on They’re way to Moscow Arkansas The Band’s Manager Harold Slickmann on the Phone Deperately trying to Aquire Yet another Bassist. Literally at the Last possible fucking Second Slickmann Contacted His Associate Walt Wheeler at AllStar Entertainment. As it Turned Out One of Wheeler’s Bands Dolphin Rape Cave He had Signed had just Broken Up unexpectedly  so He called up  DRC’s Bassist Oscar Illegal. Oscar as the case would be was Bored as Shit since His Band well Disbanded as it were, and He jumped at the Chance to Get back on the Road Touring. Malice passed the Phone around like a Bong each Member taking a minute or two to Chat with Oscar before Voting Unanimously to Bring Oscar on Board as the Band’s New New Bassist.

            

Slickmann scheduled a Private Plane to Pick Up Oscar and Fly Him to Louisiana ASAP. Once He reached the Airport Malice would swing on by and Pick Him Up in the Tour Bus before Heading to theat Night’s Gig. Slickmann’s Plan went off without a Hitch, and Malice was soon sitting Back Stage at the Alister Arena in Their Dressing Room preparing for Sound Check. After Sound Check Malice was Psyched by Ocscar’s Performance as He didn’t miss a single Note, and had one Hell of a Stage Pressence. To Avoid a predicament like the One in Bangor Maine Slickmann used every Minute at the Arena before the Show to Put up Promotional Posters promoting Oscar as the Band’s New Bassist Phenomenon. This was an Attempt to Build a Positive Response to Oscar Joining Malice, and to Distract from the Issue of Fans Nit Picking the Fact Oscar was Another New Bassist in the Mix.

            

The Ruse Worked and as Fans came Filing in for the Show They reacted very Positive pertaining to Oscar’s Arrival as the Newest Member of Malice. The Show was a Bonafide Success by Anyone’s Standards ending with a 16,000 Person Standing Ovation that Lasted 47 Minutes Straight. After the Guinness Worthy Standing Ovation Malice Treated the Audience to One Final Song Their first Ht Single “We’re Here Where’s The Beer!” which led to a Second Standing Ovation that Lasted just Over an Hour. Malice invited the Entire 16,000 Fans in Attendance to Join them for an After Concert Tail Gating Party in the Arena’s Vast Parking Lot. Malice Partied the rest of the Night Away with Their enthusiastic Fans Funneling Countless Beers and Snorting 2 Bottles of Adderall a Piece.

May 22nd:

For Legal Reason All Record of May 22nd’s “Activities” Fall Under a Non Discourse Agreement.

May 23rd:

Malice had the Day Off for some seriously Needed Serious R and R at The World Famous LuxurioUS Hotel Drummer Rock Harder being the Senior member of the Band Currently was Feeling Beat Up from all the Years of Partying Hard on the Road (As well a sin General to be Honest). He kept complaining about How He Felt like Mick Mars in Motley Crue. This was alluding to the Fact Mick Mars being significantly Older than the Other Members of the Crue. So Rock decided to spend the Day off Having a Facelift, and Made an Appointment for Later that Afternoon at The Prestigious Alexander Vanity Plastic Surgery Center.

Oscar Illegal still Amped from ingestion an Entire Bottle of Adderall 2 Nights ago decided that He would take Rest to a New Level by Sleeping for the Entire Rest of the Day (which was approximately 22 Hours at that Point), and to do So He’d have to counter act the Adderall First and Foremost. Oscar came to the Conclusion the Best course of Action would be Injecting Enough Heroin to Legitimately Kill a fucking Circus Elephant.

            

Guitarist Dominick “Dom” Disorder Lounged by the Pool downing Singapore Sling like He had Two Hollow Legs. It was One after the Other in a Continuous Line of Unending Cocktails from Sun Up to Sunset. Other than Tempting Fate with a Case of Alcohol Poisoning Dom spent the Leisurely Day trying to get Laid. Normally a Famous Musician would be Swarmed by Groupies, Yet Dominick was Also a rather recent Addition to Malice. For that Reason the Groupies Didn’t Associate Him with the Band.

Lead Singer Murphy “Thunderbolt” Gibbons had a Private Physician come to the Hotel for a Medical Procedure. Murphy had the Physician Scrape His Vocal Cords, Well Clean them might be a Better way of Putting it. Since Murphy Smoked 2 Packs of Black Lung Cigarettes, Drank Whiskey like a Fish, and had a Penchant for Partying with Hardcore Street Drugs His Vocal Cords were Encased in Ton of Toxic and Corrosive Crap. After the Scraping/Cleaning the Physician Shot Murphy’s Vocal Cords with a Heavy Dose of Anabolic Steroids, Human Growth Hormones, and Humming Bird Blood. Once the Procedure was Done Murphy Spent the rest of the Day Staring t the Static on the TV in His Room Doped Up on Painkillers and Still quite woozy from the Anesthesia.

              

May 24th:

As Malice Piled off of Their Tour Bus at the AmpaStar Amphitheater in Mississippi They ran into Their Opening Act Carnivore. The Two Bands Stopped for a While to Bullshit and Drink Beer Backstage. They Two Bands got along Famously which was Rare for Malice since They could be Extremely Standoffish, Judgmental, Stubborn, and Pig Headed. They Two Bands were having such a Great time just hanging the fuck Out Killing Beers They forgot They were there to put on a Show. The Members of Malice and Carnivore were Actually Slapped Back to Reality by Malice’s Manager Harold Slickmann Who Carried a Heavy Pimp Hand.

The Show was a Unmitigated Success that End with all the Members of Both Bands on Stage playing Various Covers requested by the Audience. Unfortunately the Crowd worked Themselves not a Frenzy and started setting off a Small Arsenal of Fireworks. This Pissed off the Promoter to No End as He worried about Property Damage and Fires ravaging His Precious Amphitheater. On Top of that The Police were None to Happy Either about the Situation to say the Least. All the Smoke, Flashing Lights, and Additional Noise made it damn Near Impossible for the Police to Actually Police the Crowd of Overly Exuberant Fans.

            

Alls well that Ends Well and Once the Show was Over No One had been Injured, The Amphitheater was still Standing (and in good shape all things considered), and No One was Arrested.

May 25th:

Malice was due to Play a Sold Out Show at the Mississippi Motorway, but where Forced to Cancel due to Circumstances Beyond Their Control. What Happened was while en route to the Motorway Malice had been Taking Massive Bong Rips of a Incredibly Potent Strain of Marijuana called “Zombiefier”. The Weed got its name because of its Insanely High THC Percentage (97.9%) Smoking it Resulted in the Smoker becoming So Stoned it felt as if They had become an Actual fucking Zombie.

It was Rock’s Turn and He Inhaled a Lung Exploding Cloud of Smoke which Upon Exhalation caused Him to Start Coughing like Crazy. The Problem was Rock was still Recovering from His Recent Facelift and all of the Gut Wrenching Coughs Aggravated His Stitches. It got so Bad that the Post Bong Hit Cough caused Rock’s Surgical Stitches to Pop unbeknownst to Rock and the Rest of the Band. Finally Rock’s Rib Cracking coughing resulted in Rock’s Face to Slip off onto the Floor of the Bus.

           

The Band’s Manager Harold Slickmann Instantly Jumped into Action and Took Hold of the Situation. He snatched Rock’s Now Disembodied Face up off the Bus Floor and Stuffed it Tightly Between a Couple of Beers in Malice’s Cooler. Thanks to the Weed Rock was far too High to Freak the fuck out over having No Face as it were, and Kept Him Calm keeping Rock from going into Shock. Slickmann Rifled through a Copy of the Yellow Pages until He located the Nearest Hospital and gave the Driver the Directions. The Driver put the Peddle to the Metal and within mere Minutes Malice’s Tour Bus was pulling up in front of the D. Rockefeller Hospital’s Emergency Room. Rock was hurried directly into Surgery and Thanks to Slickmann’s quick thinking Rock’s Face was able to be Reattached without Issue.

May 26th:

Since Rock’s Face would Need to Heal Malice decided to do Something Unorthodox and completely Unconventional. Malice came to the Conclusion that They should put the American Leg of Their Tour on Hold, and Travel to Australia which was the First Destination on the World Tour. Then once Rock had Healed Properly, and The World Tour was Over Malice would Return to the Untied States at Which Time They would Complete The Remainder of the Shows in America. This way Rock could Recoup while the Band managed to still Stay on Tour without Interuption or Issue.

            

Slickmann approved of the Idea and got the Band’s Lawyer TR McCoy to Start working on Amending the Contracts as well as contacting Promoters. Slickmann came up with the Idea that to Accommodate the Fans who would have to Now Wait for the Rescheduled Concert Dates by Giving Them Free Merchandise as way of a Consolation Prize for the Inconvenience. The Way Slickmann pulled this off put out a Press Release informing the Public of the New Abbreviated Tour Schedule, and that Every Fan who attended a Rescheduled Show would Receive a Free Malice T-Shirt and a Free Beer.

Then Slickmann called the Up In The Air Private Jet Company to Reserve a Private Plane for Malice’s Trip to Australia. Since the Sudden Schedule Change Malice’s Own Private Jet was still sitting at Aero Plane’s Private Jet Hanger in California which was the Original Location for Malice’s World Tour Departure. Slickmann Booked the Biggest Private Jet there was a 747-8i Boeing Business Jet.

           

May 27th:

Malice Loaded onto the 747-8i at 8pm with Great Gusto and Enthusiasm since They had Offered Carnivore to be Their Opening Act for the Remainder of the Tour. Of Course Carnivore was more than Happy to Sign on the Tour and Met up with Malice at Mississippi’s Greenville Airport. The Two Groups were more then Pleased to be back in Each Others Company, and Boarded the Plane and got Straight to Partying. There were Silver Platters Piled High with Obscene amounts of Cocaine, the was Alcohol Flowing Freely, and Carnivore had brought along a Quarter Pound of Fresh Magic Mushrooms (Shrooms). The Band Members Got High, Got Drunk, and Got Laid having brought an Entourage of Female Groupies along with Them.

Meanwhile Harold Slickmann and TR McCoy worked on Formulating the Best Strategy to turn the Current Chaos into a Money Making Machine.

           

May 28th:

Since the Flight From Greenville Mississippi took a Whopping 40 Hours and  Malice and Carnivore continued Partying Hard during the Entire Flight to Australia.

May 29th:

Malice arrived at Australia’s Brisbane Airport at roughly at Noon looking like Day Old Cadavers having Partied to the Point of Delirium. Slickmann had anticipated the Band’s Partying combined with a Hell of a Case of Jet Lag (having Flown half way around the World) and Hadn’t scheduled a Show for that Evening. Malice made a B Line to The Westin Brisbane Hotel where They would be Staying post Haste.

Once at the Hotel The Band’s crashed due to Drug/Alcohol Fueled Exhaustion. By 9 pm most of the Band Members had regained conciseness and started compiling a $57,683 Room Service Bill in Food, Drink, and Additional Services like Massages for Example. By Midnight the Band Members had Assembled on the Roof of the Hotel to Finish off the Shrooms Carnivore had Brought and Stare out Over The City of Brisbane until the Sun came up the Following Morning.

           

The Band met for Breakfast and to discuss Their Schedule with Their Manager Harold Slickmann Over Eggs Benedict and Bloody Mary’s. After Their Breakfast Pow Wow Malice was in the Best Spirits They had been in for a Very Long Time. It Seemed having Carnivore on the Tour had Revitalized Malice breathing New Life into the Band’s Lungs. The Two Bands spent Their Down Time before that Night’s Show getting 8 hour Non Stop Massages of all Kinds Deep Tissue, Shiatsu You Name it They got it Happy Ending and All.

At 6:30 Malice and Carnivore Hopped on Their Tour Bus and drove to that Nights Venue The Munted Civic Center and headed straight into Sound Check. The Audience was whipped into a Frenzy by the Time Carnivore had finished Their Set and Malice Took the Stage. They Opened with Their Classic Party Anthem “Party Till You Puke” ,and Finished with Their Epic Sing-a-Long to Their Hit Single “Keg Stand” to the Delight of the Australian Audience. Malice Spent the Next Several Hours Signing Autographs during a After Show Meet and Greet of Sorts. Malice fell in Love Instantly with Their Loyal and Supportive Australian Fans while Bonding Over Countless Cases of Foster’s.

           

May 30th:

The Bands left Brisbane heading for Logan City Australia for Their Next Show, but having Arrived Early had some time on Their Hands. Since Logan City was relatively close to the Coast The Bands decided to take a Day Trip to the Ocean Shores 90 Minutes Away. This would turn out to be a Major Mistake on Malice’s Part.

Once They had reached Ocean Shores The Band Members hightailed onto the Beach for a Little Fun in the Sun as the Saying Goes. After Eating an Exorbitant amount of Sushi (mainly Ahi Tuna) Carnivores Lead Guitarist Monty Mungman went for a Quick Dip in the Ocean. What Monty had been unaware of is Australia is Home to Great White Sharks, and who Immediately Locked on the Smell of Tuna that was emanating off off Monty’s Hands. Before Monty even knew what Happened a Great White came hurdling up from the Depths and Bite Down on Monty’s Mid section as it Burst from the Water like a Freight Train. Monty was especially thin due to His Outrageous Drug Use which allowed The Great White to Bite Him in Half. Monty’s Lower Body disappeared between the Shark’s Gaping Jaws and Monty’s Top Half Surging with Adrenaline attempted to Swim to Shore. Monty’s Torso didn’t make it more than 10 feet Before it To was Devoured by another Inquiring Great White.

            

Carnivores Drummer Tommy Snare dove into the Water in a Valiant Attempt to Rescue Monty only to have His Right Leg Ripped Off by yet Another Great White for His Trouble. The Life Guards and Paramedics Stormed down the Beach to the Water ready for fucking War. Snare somehow made it back to Shore minus His Leg and was Being Tended To By The Paramedics as the Lifeguards set about scavenging the Left Over Pieces of Monty’s that were Periodically Washing Ashore.

That Evening instead of putting on a Show that evening  the Bands held an Press Conference to Announce the Tragic and Untimely Death of Monty and the Subsequent Injury to Snare. Carnivore for They’re Part of the Tour as Tommy could still Drum with a Prosthetic Leg, and Monty could and would be Replaced as Carnivore insisted the Show Must Go On Regardless.

            

May 31st:

While Carnivore Auditioned a Replacement Lead Guitarist and Their Drummer Tommy was fitted for a Prosthetic Leg things weren’t faring to Well for Malice.

Yesterday during Their Day at the Beach Prior to the Great White Incident Malice Drummer Rock Harder had fallen Asleep in the Sun. Being a Rock Star Rock had forgone Sunscreen figuring Whats the Point anyways He’d be dead of an Overdose before Skin Cancer could Kill Him. Sadly for Rock His Current Reattaching of His Face hadn’t completely Healed, and the Brutal Australian Sun had Sun Burned the Holy Hell Out of Rock’s Face to the Point of Blistering.

           

Slickmann took Rock to the Nearest Plastic Surgeon for an Emergency Consult for His Sun Ravaged Face. The Prognosis was Grim Rock would have to be Flown to a Specialist in Switzerland to undergo a Entire Face Transplant due to the Extensive Sun Damage. Slickmann took Rock back to the Airport and had Him Flown to Switzerland on the Private Jet He had Rented for the Trip. Rock following in the Footsteps of Carnivore Swore to the Gods of Rock’n Roll that He’d return in No Time good as fucking New with His New Face.

Stay Tuned for the Next Insanity Ridden Installment of……

MALICE THE BAND THAT ALMOST KILLED US ALL!

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober (Pt109AmTFS)

Seriously Sick Saturday Cinema: THE BUNNY THE KILLER THING

FYB is Highly Amused to Present the 2015 Finnish un-PC Horror Splatter Comedy Film BUNNY THE KILLER THING Directed by Joonas Makkonen, Based on His Similarly Titled Short Film. The Film was First Screened at the Marche du Film in Cannes in May 2015, and was Released in Theaters in Finland on November 6, 2015.

           

Brief Plot Summery:

A Group of 7 Finnish Friends are Heading for a Weekend at a Cabin in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, and on Their way are Accompanied by Three English Speaking Men. The Group who was looking forward to a Fun Filled Weekend, instead Find Themselves involved in a Game of LIFE OR DEATH when They are ATTACKED by a 6 FOOT TALL, MONSTROUS, SEX CRAXED CREATURE  who appears to be Half Man and Half Rabbit Brandishing an Insanely Long Penis! The Menacing Mutant Rabbit Monster has come for the Sole purpose of Scoring with the Women, and Attacking Anything that Resembles a Woman’s Vagina!

           

What Some People Have Said About BUNNY THE KILLER THING:

“Turns out-injecting a murderous half man/half bunny with an enormous cock into the Mix might be just what the doctor ordered.”

-Luke Rodriguez  (Modern Horror)

“…Bunny The Killer Thing may appeal to a small percentage of viewers with a furry fetish, or those looking for a Midnight movie just to laugh, because it is funny, or just because it is Hideous.”

-Robyn Andrew (Cryptic Rock)

“The Other impressive feature here is the stellar gory attacks by the creature. Featuring plenty of Limbs being ripped off, head blown off by shotgun blasts, having their stomachs ripped open and their intestines pulled out and eyeballs ripped out, there’s quite a full-on assault of blood and gore here to mesh together with the other bodily fluids.”

-DOn’s World of Horror and Exploitation

Enjoy.

We Hope You Enjoyed the Mostrous Mayhem as Much as We Did.

Thanks for Watching,

  Presented By Les Sober

BUTCHERS HAREM: Brutal Australian Underground Horrorcore

After Posting the Passenger Of Shit Video For Staple Tapeworms To My Penis it seemed fitting to do a Follow Up with BUTCHERS HAREM.

Butchers Harem is a Underground Australian Brutal Horrorcore Rap Group that mixes the Influences of Goregrind and Horrorcore Lyrics over Heavy and Distorted Hip Hop Beats. The Group was formed in Outer West of Sydney in the Blue Mountains as a Music Collective featuring MC Bushpig (aka ScatButcher), MC Cumblood, MC Slurry, The Woundbearer, MC Twot, and MC Mangia (aka The Anal Executioner). The Group officially formed in 2004 and the project was formed from the Remnants of the Infamous Suicidal Rap Orgy which MC Bushpig had founded in 2001. MC Bushpig  whose Real Name is Swift Treweeke has the Distinction of Holding the Title as the “Godfather of Brutal Horrorcore.”

           

Butchers Harem was the Premier Australian (as well as New Zealand) to Produce this Type of Unconventional, Highly Aggressive, and Obscenely Brutal Style which gave Birth to a Uniquely Influential Australian Version of Horrorcore Music (Often referred to as “The Brutal Australian Sound”). The Group mad a Large Impression on the European Scene Opening the Door to Multiple Tours of Holland, Czech Republic, France, Germany, Belgium, and Greece.

Mc CumBlood    

In 2008-2009 after Recording the Still Unreleased Album X Rated Puppet Theatre of the Dead most of the Group’s Members Quit. In spite of the Set Back in 2011 Mc Bushpig and MC Cumblood released the First Butchers Hrem Album Snuff Porn Gore on Butchers Harem Productions. Currently the Group is Recording Their 3rd Album Erotic Stories Written in Blood Though MC Bushpig/Butchers Harem haven’t done a single Interview since February 2015). So You can Expect to Hear New Levels of Brutality and Vomitous from the Australian Masters of Horrorcore Music.

(NOTE to Reader/Listeners: Brutal Horrorcore (also known as Gore Rap or Australian Horrorcore is the Bastard Offspring of Horrorcore Music which Mixes Styles of Brutal Death Metal (a Subgenre of Death Metal) and Hip Hop. The Sound Features Death Metal Growling Vocals with Production Elements of Horrorcore, Devil Shyt, Hardcore Techno, Breakcore, and Noise Music. Brutal Hardcore Lyrics are generally Much More Extreme Subject Matter than Older School Horrorcore, and Their Album Covers are Extremely Sexual, Bloody, or Violent reminiscent of the Typical Death Metal Album Art.)

Thanks for Listening,

 Presented by Les Sober*

(* This Post is Dedicated to FYB’s Good Friend Mr. Nobody. We Highly Recommend that You Check Out His Music on Youtube.)

The Amazing Adventures of Dr Lisa Lithium Part 1

In a place not far from where you may live a little girl was born many eons ago. The year 1950. Her place of birth though remains a mystery. She was found in a public restroom outside of an unknown Washington Township. All that was found with her was a piece of paper which read, “This is Lilith. We do not want her. In the toilets she shall remain, the sewage that she is.”

She was found by a family named Smith and a family named Jones, though these were not the names the families had come to America bearing. They were the 1950s version of a gay couple; two gay men and two lesbians who after one drunken evening found each other’s truths and married.

The families decided to rename her Lisa Smith. Lilith was not a name they wanted to keep attached to her, with or without the harrowing note. She was named after a longtime friend who knew their truths but had passed away in a horrific boating accident.

Dead Lisa was a bubbly, warm soul who always gave 110% of everything. If you needed a lift she was there. A shoulder to cry on. A hug. A handjob. Anal. Dead Lisa was a bit too ahead of her time and this is ultimately what lead to her untimely demise.

It was so told that while vacationing in the bayous of Mississippi, Lisa and two friends had the unfortunate experience of a foundering motorboat. On top of this, the propeller had completely stopped working. One friend wished that someone could swim and push the boat towards safety. Lisa heard the call and into the water she went.

She was only in the water for about a minute when she emitted a scream. A gator was attacking her. It took a healthy bite out of her shin, not quite taking everything below that but leaving her dangling like a rogue piece of spaghetti not wanting to play with the other spaghettis on the fork.

Amid her agony suddenly the propeller reactivated. Usually this would be a good thing but she had won the Powerball of bad luck. The gator had dragged her directly to it. This was the actual cause of her death, not the gator, but her being motorboated by a motorboat. Just to top things off as she went under it took off all the recognizable features of her face. Her soft lips. Shredded. Her fat pointy little nost. Her green eyes sunken deeper into her skull. Her forehead shredded to the bone.

But enough of Dead Lisa. This is the tale of the living one. She will not be denied.

(Stay tuned for more….)

By SpaceDog

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (24/365)

Lee entered the Small Lobby and looked around as His eyes adjusted to the Dim Light. Everything was painted Black The Walls, Door, Ceiling, and Concession Stand which made it all that more difficult to see anything at first. The Concession Stand was defunct with an Outdated Popcorn Maker, A Soda Dispenser that was coated in cobwebs, and an entirely empty Display Case.  Lee couldn’t figure out why the Theater Owners weren’t selling Candy and Soda since that shit boosted the Bottom Line when it came to profits.

Lee walked up a flight of stairs into the Tiny Theater which had max seating of 50 people at most. The Chairs were simply the run of the Mill folding Metal Chairs in rows sending a homemade Riser. Again every fucking thing was painted Jet Black. There was a handful of onlookers in the Audience that topped out at 11 people including Lee sitting motionless as if They were Tibetan Monks Meditating. Lee found the unyielding Silence to be rather unnerving since it reminded Him of a fucking Funeral Home.

       

Then at last the lights dimmed down, a Gentlemen who looked like a Long Haul Trucker fresh off the road appeared from god knows where and stood unenthusiastically next to the sole Spot Light (there wasn’t another sort of Stage Lighting to be found). After a brief pause The Curtin crept open and the Spot Light jumped into action.

The First Act was called “Pregnant with Myself: The Inner Child Defined”. The Act consisted of a Young Female Contortionist preforming a 3 stage Interpretive Dance.  The First Stage was Her inpregnationg Herself by having Sex (Not Masturbation) with Herself followed by Her being Pregnant with Herself. The last Stage, Stage 3 was Her giving Birth to Her fully Grown Self with an exorbitant amount of Fake Blood.

       

The Contortionist was followed by a Young Man that appeared to be in His late Twenties in Jeans and plain blue t-shirt who walked very deliberately onto the stage, set down an empty 25 Gallon Plastic Bucket, then dropped His pants, Sat Down on said Bucket, and then spent the next 57 minutes taking a shit in it while playing Candy Crush on His Cell Phone. It was then that Lee realized WHY the Theater didn’t sell anything Edible.

The 3rd Act was a Pair of Fuzzies who came out one dressed as a Bright Pink Unicorn and the Other was Dressed as a Tyrannosaurus Rex . They then proceeded to play a few Children’s Games like Leap Frog and a 2 person game of Duck, Duck, Goose before Standing side by Side. Once the Fuzzies were standing next to one another shoulder to shoulder They undid the Velcro that covered Their crotches exposing the Unicorns erect cock and the T-Rex’s freshly shaven Vagina. The Two the engaged in Mutual Masturbation until Both Climaxed and fell over. Lee pitied the Janitor who had to clean that shit up before the Next At took the Stage.

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Stay Tuned for the Next Fun Filled Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (25/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

FIGHTING FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN

FIGHTING FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN 

There are times in everyone’s life where they do not try hard enough or persist or do what is right in their heart.

They simply follow the crowd. They ignore the causes that are near and dear to their hearts. They ignore their friends because well that person may not be as liked or as popular as they so wish them to be.

However there is one constant with all of these things. You see people come and people go. When you take away all those people and all the material rubbish you are surrounded with, all you are left with is you. Nothing more, nothing less. And no matter who you are or how flawed you may be or what masks you wear to the world, well you know what it is that you believe.

       

“Reputation is for time; character is for eternity.” -J.B Gough

It just really saddens me to see how we as a people don’t fight constantly enough. For our world’s belief (belief as a whole), for our friend’s beliefs, for our core beliefs. What a sham(e).

Belief on the Whole

When the whole of something deteroriates all we are left we is parts that are somewhat combined and somewhat fragment.

Thankfully most of us voted in this election. The majority spoke when it came to the presidency. However one of the things that makes me most proud is that despite the unfortunate ruling in California people are peacefully protesting Prop 8. They are not bombing abortion clinics or looting stores, they just want to be heard.

       

Keith Olbermann. Whether you agree with him or not this man has a lot of passion and the kind of fight that more of us need. We all need to express and not repress and listen to each other. Well I let him say the rest:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVUecPhQPqY

Frankly for his belief and his expressions well that helps the world on the whole. If not helping the current vote or current situation it maybe helps move people in the future. It’s not about shifting the view of one or two or three, it’s about a shift in the generations to come. If generations didn’t progress forth from their predecessors well then we wouldn’t have had a black president now, would we?

       

Belief of Friends

Obviously none of us believes everything another individual says. Friend or foe, husband or ex-boyfriend, wife or mistress we all have disagreements and similarities. The thing that we must remember is that WE chose to have this people as our friends. We are not forced. This is not an arranged marriage (sorry for those of you that it is).

Once upon a time, one of my really great friends in life had a great mutual respect for me and I for him. Yes, he was overprivledged and yes he was over the top a good deal of the time but I believed in him as a person, as a friend. I stood up for him many a time. I will admit on occasion this wasn’t the “popular” move. I even lost touch with a few acquaintance type friends because of this. Still I believed in his inner goodness.

Not everyone sees this good in other people. Everyone has good in them. People usually only put emphasis on the bad. It’s a sad fault but that is life. I saw the good and it caused me to perish in ways but sadly not everyone in life can accept your choices and not everyone can be your friend.

       

“If it harm none, do as ye will.”

Also in the same aspect if we agree with our friends and they get persecuted for it we need to stand up as well. And vice versa.

If they don’t believe in going home with someone from the bar, I need to tell that other person to back off when they get too agressive and my friend can’t do it himself.

If they didn’t do drugs and I was I wouldn’t glorify it and push it down their throats.

It’s all about respecting one another and standing up for what you ascertain to be true.

Yes, we are not perfect. I am guility of not fighting at times when I should have but am getting much better at this through the years. Yeah my depression gets in the way at times, but if I ever had to be there for my one of my true friends I would. My situation, financially, emotionally or spiritually, would not effect this. I have done some pretty stupid things to try and protect the people I love but I would do them all over again.

     

Belief of Our Core

Perhaps the most important set of beliefs that we have are the ones that lie at our core. When the day is done and the lights are out at night, all you have is you. You are the only person whose own beliefs you can control. You must stand up for them at all costs.

Call them morals, call them creeds, call them principals, call them what you will. They are all uniquely ours. Some people live by more beliefs on a consistent basis and others fly by the seat of their pants. Without these beliefs, there is but a shell of a person, a body without a soul, a face without a name.

As I stated before we are not perfect. I believe in love, but that does not mean I haven’t ever had sex with a stranger. I believe in respecting others, but I’ve definitely been an asshole my fair share of times. I am not going to list all my beliefs one by one since I know what they are and hold them close to me and they affect the way I lead my daily life.

       

People can be very devious creatures. They find out you believe in love; they try and pull you around by a string. They find out you are generous; they blatently take advantage of this. They find out you are honest; they lie their teeth off. Opposites do attract and at times this can be tumultuous.

In a room crowded full of people acting completely fake to one another, would you be fake as well?

Many a man’s reputation would not know his character if they met on the street. ” -Elbert Hubbard

How very true. You see what we portray to the world is not necessarily who we are. If people strived to make their two sides less in conflict perhaps we would all live in a world Mr.Hubbard would be more proud of today.

        

So truely ask yourself, are you fighting for what you believe in? Even if you are only fighting for the beliefs in your heart it is a start.  Inside each and every one of us within the deepest darkest core and tucked away through all the recessess of pain, misfortunate, and chaos is one thing that always burns. That one thing is love.

  By SpaceDog

Chances

My phone rang one desolate, dank, and cold evening.

She asked for Carlos.

I told her she had the wrong number.

She called back.

She called back a third time.

   

My jack and coke told me that I was bored.

So we talked.

For thirty minutes.

A strange girl and myself.

I don’t talk to strange women.

Women have cooties.

       

So we went on a date. It was rather bizarre. A date with a woman. We met. She was a pretty girl, but I think I was just being nice when I told her this. She liked pixie sticks and newports. I had both of these in my pocket at the time as well. We hit it off somewhat. We saw a movie. Then sanity kicked in and I  never saw her again.

This was the ultimate chance meeting. I wanted to say I went out with my wrong number girl. If I was bi, I would have gotten in her pants so I could say I have sex with people that dial the wrong number. But I had already pilfered my friends phone line one day and made dates with six different guys who were actually calling him. My phone booth whore days have long since vanished.

       

GOOD VS. EVIL

Some chances we take have results not always visible to the naked eye. We take a chance on lending a friend money. Let say $500. That person promises to pay us back but everytime we ask them for our money the subject is changed. We hear about their abusive boyfriend, we hear about how expensive gas is, we hear about their drunken sister.

Then we suddenly remember this person is single. Then we remember gas is like a buck fifty a gallon. Then we recall they don’t have a sister.

So we stop asking.

         

We try not to harm the friendship in this person’s mind even though they might be harming it in ours but not making any attempts to pay us back. They don’t seem to have much of a consciousness or a soul when it comes to these things. Then you think for a second that you are being too harsh. Then you find out another friend of yours lent this person money and never saw a dime of it either.

Several weeks pass by. You have a few drinks at your friend’s house and fall asleep on the couch. In the morning you part ways and find your wallet to be short a few bills. You go home. You wonder what to say. Whether to say anything. What you say is ignored. So you keep silent.

     

Then we go off into the night.

Then we try and forget this person existed.

We hear rumors about their plight.

We hear sordid fairy tales, most likely a melody of facts and fables, everywhere we turn.

We wonder what went wrong, why we took such a chance on them.

Why couldn’t he have been honest? Why can’t we tell the truth and be honest for once?

 

BLACKMAIL

I like the way you look at me.

I like the way you brush your hair.

I think your eyes are a glimpse into heaven.

I know you had sex in your car last night. I am going to rat your ass out.

 Yup sometimes we are lucky little ones and aren’t always the ones with our hand caught in the cookie jar. We catch other people’s hands in the cookie jar quite often too. I was involved in one of these situations before. Well shit I seem to have been involved in many of these situations, who am i kidding?.

Sometimes all we have to do is shut up and listen. You can hear drama from quite a distance.

        

All of the thoughts in my head told me to go for the money. Extort! Extort! Extortitionaaayyyy! I need a vacation I thought to myself. I chose to have a conscience. I laughed about it with the dude, who was the “other woman”. The months worth of laughter provided much more valuable than any payment plans.Chance provided a good chuckle.

CONCLUSIONAIRE

We all take chances. Sometimes they take us.

We have the power in ourselves to determine the final outcome.

Time may have had its way with you.

Time may be your best friend.

        

But when the time comes to make your mark.

Will you actually take that chance you have been dying to take your whole life?

Or will you let time have its way with you and regret those leaps of faith?

Those chances you can’t take back.

Those choices that beckon forth your reaper. 

I simply call him Dismay.

  By SpaceDog