Tag: Shit Happens

Shits and Giggles: Day Drinking – The Black Metal

I saw this and instantly thought to myself “Well hell that sums up the mundane madness of Mondays pretty damn well” and decided it was a necessary and appropriate. Anyways that said here is FYB’s Monday post DAY DRINKING-THE BLACK METAL by the one and only MeatCanyon.

MeatCanyon’s real name is Hunter August Hancock better know by his online user name MeatCanyon. Hancock is an American Youtuber, animator, voice actor, comedian, writer, and director who makes parody animations of popular characters (say Sponge Bob for instance). Some viewers of MeatCanyon’s animations  have been described them in just one single word “Horrifying”. A common on going gag in Hancock’s video’s is that something normal or mundane gets you killed or possible worse.

Here it is.

See you when I see you,

   Justin Sane  

If You Fuck Up AT Least Be A Man About It.

I mentioned in a Recent Post that We had a New Septic Tank Installed, and Why the Installation went just Fine Everything Else wasn’t. I’m going to be a bit unorthodox here and Tell You the Moral to the Story Up Front. The Moral of this Story is: NEVER SECOND GUESS YOURSELF.

You see I have a Contractor Who is Absolutely fucking Awesome and I Trust (which for Me is Saying a Shit Load) so I asked Him for a Referral. He gladly gave Me the Contact Info for the “Only I Guy I Trust for these Things…” as He put it and All was Well. Now right Before I called My contractor’s Guy a Family Friends it turned out had just had a New Septic Tank Installed too. This Family Friend went on and on and fucking on about how goddamn great the Experience was like it was the Second coming of Christ Himself. So after consulting some key Family Members Opted to Use Her Guy since He was apparently fucking Fantastic.

I got in Touch with the Family Friend’s Guy and everything at that point was in fact fine. The Guy Who’s name is, and I swear I’m not bullshitting is Tripp (Yes with to P’s because that makes it Classier or whatever). He showed up on Time and  Left before the Job was Done saying Everything was alright and He was off to another fucking Service Call. Again He reassured Me the 2 man work crew He left Behind had everything on lock, BUT it was in the Last 30 Minutes of the Job that shit went South.

           

I was on the Internet No surprise there when all of a sudden in the preverbal Blink of an Eye My Service Went completely Dead nothing Internet related wasn’t working.I immediately knew what the fuck happened the Work Men had Hit Our Internet Hook up, and I ran the fuck outside to inquire. The first Work Idiot ignored Me when I tried to get His Attention until I got Loud and He couldn’t pretend not to hear me. I demanded to know if one of them had accidentally banged into My Shit because all of a sudden coincidentally Dead in the fucking Water as it were.

The Work Idiot I addressed Never actually said a single fucking word obviously not wanting to answer the Question like a guilty fucking child. What I mean by that is He acted like a Child who damaged something, put it back, and hoped no one would notice only to inevitably end up being Caught. So while Work Nitwit number one was Playing Dumb for all it was fucking worth they other Work Stooge asked Me if I had tried resetting the Wifi. I suppose the  Question was meant to distract Me but what the fuckwit hadn’t considered was I anticipated such stupidity and already had preformed all the Standard Tricks and Trouble Shooting to No Avail.

I informed the Backhoe Driving Fuck Stick I had and it Obviously was due to the Fact that they accidentally damaged My outside Internet hook up and Shit. I then proceeded to jump onto My phone to keep from going Completely Insane on the Two dumbfucks milling around in My front Yard. I am well aware I have fucking anger management issue and I try not to be a utter fucking Asshole,, BUT I have no fucking problem being a Really Nasty Fuck if need Be. As I do my damndest to not go Batshit Crazy on these Two fucking Fools They shuffle around for a few Minutes, and then up and Left without saying jack diddly shit. Of course that Pissed Me off more, BUT I figured why pick a fight with 2 piece of shit Pions its the Boss I wanted to talk to.

           

I then spent 2 fucking Hours on the goddamn phone with My Internet Provider check EVERY FUCKING SINGLE THING until the First Customer Service Tech had to transfer Me to an Advanced Technician. I did another round of Diagnostic tests and Shit, but the Advanced Guy couldn’t fix anything though He really was trying like a motherfucker to Help God Bless Him. I told Him a Work Crew fucked up the Exterior Transmitter, and I wanted to do all this torturously mind bending bullshit to Prove it in case it was disputed by Tripp. The Next Day a Technician came out and INSTANTLY verified I was Correct that the Transmitter Deal had been smacked way out of whack. The Tech did what He had to and fixed the Problem in timely and Professional Manner. Luckily We have a Maintenance Plan so We avoided the $125 Service Call Charge so at least that was fucking cool.

By the time I calmed down it was the Next Day and first thing I did that Morning was call Tripp who Didn’t pick Up. I waited several hors and tried calling again and again Tripp didn’t answer. Finally I gave up trying to get Tripp’s useless ass on the fucking phone, and left a voicemail. The voicemail was civil as Hell I didn’t yell, Scream, curse, Insult or Threaten Tripp in anyway which is My Modus Operandi. I was told to give Tripp the benefit of the doubt because He could very well just be Busy and that I should give it one more Day. Against My best Judgment I agreed to Hang Back for a little while Longer.

           

Needless to say come the following Day the same shit happens I call and Tripp (who I now assume is ducking My phone calls) doesn’t answer His fucking Phone like a Real fucking Unprofessional and Immature fucking Asshole. By 4:30 as Popeye would Say “I’ve had all I can Stands and I can Stands NO MORE!” and this Time around I left a Second Message. This time I let Tripp know exactly how the fuck I felt. I first informed Tripp that through all of His Childish, Immature, and Unprofessional handling of the Entire fucking Situation that I wasn’t even making it about Money. I never once mentioned the fact that it would Cost Me fucking Money to fix His work Clowns fuck up. It had always been about how the Situation was handled that chapped my ass like nothing else. Thats not to fucking much to fucking ask is it?!  I Hire and pay some Asshole to do a fucking Job They should be Professional since it’s Their fucking Job.

I went on to say I didn’t see how it was fucking possible to Own your own fucking Company and act like such an Immature Asshole when accidents Happen. I said I’m well fucking aware that Shit Happens as do Accidents and if He had just admitted to the mistake, Owned up to It, and Apologized that would have been the fucking end of it. I summed up with reminding Him what a fucking Spineless Coward He had acted like, and that I obviously won’t be recommending Him to fucking anyone Myself. On top of that I also informed Tripp that I would be writing a Negative Review Anywhere and Everywhere I could on Line and on Social Media.

And with That that was That.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

FYB’s Shitty Celebration

What happens when You get a New Septic Tank and while it’s being Installed You Fall Down a Serious Reddit Rabbit Hole?! You find a Reddit Room called “Any Reason To Party” where You start reading about something called a “Septic Tank Celebration of Shit Party”. You throw this type of Party in the Event You have just had a New Septic Tank, OR if Your about to get a New one since the Old one is Literally Crapping Out.

Ironically having a New Septic Tank Installed is a Real Pain in the Ass, but it is also an Unfortunate Evil of Life. So as Odd as it Sounded We decided after a Short Period of Discussion/Debate to throw the Shit to the Wind and Go For it. Now You may be wondering as We were at First what Exactly the hell  a STCS Party Consists of. Well Good News We are here to Personally Let You Know First Hand What Its all About.

Septic Tank Celebration of Shit Parties are pretty fucking Straight Forward. First and Foremost there is No Decorations Required although People love to Toilet Paper Shit, and the Famous Smiling Feces Emoji (which has led to a Bizarre Branding Overkill, They have a Shit Emoji for Everything from Stickers to Halloween fucking Costumes for Fuck’s Sake.  Also People are found of Attending these Type of Parties sporting a Variety of Shit themed T-Shirt like Shit Happens, Who Gives a Shit, No Bullshit etc. (Some more unoriginal People stick to the Traditional Theme of Wearing Brown T-Shirts).

           

The Focus actually being Feces the Party is a Literally a Homemade Make Shit Crap Inducing Cuisine. The point is to Serve Food that will intentionally induce Your Guests to Shit Their Brains Out thus Helping to Break in the New Septic System or Assisting in Bidding Farewell to an Old Outdated System thats about to take a Shit of its Own so to speak. We Opted for a fucking Buffet since We believe in the Go Big or Go Home Motto, and We set out a Shit Inducing Spread that could have Led to a Guest Shitting Themselves Unconscious.

Luckily We have 3 Bathrooms so even if a Guest Craps so Hard they Pass the fuck Out We still have the other Two Bathrooms accessible. This way We could keep the Party Pooping going due to the Constant Non Stop Shitting of Our Guests as They run the Risk of Prolapsing Their Rectum. We DO NOT SUGGEST throwing on of these Parties if You have Only One singular Toilet as this will lead to Fecal Overflow and Your Guests end up Shitting in Your Bushes, Flowerbeds, Garbage Cans, Pool Filters, and Other disgustingly Inappropriate Crapping (No One likes it when the Shit actually Hits the Fan).

We researched so Many Health Sites, Medical Sites, and Diet Sites We lost count, but We wanted to insure We had concocted the Most Effective Menu of Shit Inducing Foods ever Assembled by Man (We are currently waiting to hear back from The Guinness Book of World Records) to get the Shitty  Job Done. We are confident this should Never Be Attempted Again by Anyone Anywhere at Anytime, and with that said this is what We came up With.

        

We thought that Finding a Variety of Effective Drinks would be the Most Difficult part of the Task. The Last fucking thing We wanted was to be Stuck serving Only Coffee as Our Only Beverage. Luckily We found out rather quickly that We were in Fact Wrong. Our Drink Options were:

  • Coffee
  • Coconut Water
  • Kale Smoothies
  • Peppermint Tea, Orange Juice
  • Full Fat Milk
  • Aloe Vera Juice
  • Kefir (a Fermented Milk Drink)
  • Chamomile Tea
  • 64 ounce Bottles of Water (More Water More Crapping)
  • Metamucil mixed with Your Choice of Liquor

Then We Provided Some Casual Appetizers:

  • Veggie Plate (Raw Green Beans, Broccoli, and Tomatoes)
  • Plain Popcorn (No Seasoning or Butter)
  • Pistachios
  • Almonds
  • Whole Grain and Oat Bran Breads (Example: Rye)
  • Special Farro Bread (made w/ Ancient Strain of Wheat Popular in Italy)
  • Olive Oil to Dip The Different Breads into
  • Almond, Cashew, and Peanut Butter (for spreading on the Breads)
  • a Fruit Salad (Rasberries, Grapes, Papaya, Blackberries, Pears, Kiwi, Guava Fruit, Banana, Apples Slices, and Mandarin Fruit)

Then for the Main Course We had a Buffet that Featured:

  • Traditional Salad (Turnip Greens, Spinach, Swiss Chard, Kale, and Arugula)
  • Curry (Types Available: Dhansak, Tikka Masala, Saag, Korma, Jalfrezi, Vindaloo
  • Hot Sauce Soup (Pinto Bean or Clear Soup with Hot Sauce Added)
  • Lentils
  • Baked Beans
  • Potato Salad
  • Sweet Potato Fries
  • Clear Soup (Chicken and Dill or Plain Chicken Broth)
  • Brown Rice and Black Beans
  • Brussel Sprouts
  • Green Peas
  • Artichokes
  • Chick Pea Salad
  • Sauerkraut
  • Pinto Bean Soup
  • Refried Bean Burritos/Fajitas

Then for Dessert We Served:

  • Watermelon (Slices or Chunks)
  • Berry Chia Pudding
  • Pumpkin Pie,
  • Rice Pudding
  • Chocolate Laxative Full Fat Milkshakes
  • Plum Pudding
  • Activia Yogurt with Your Choice of Peaches, Strawberries, Raisins, Dates, or Prunes
  • Figgy Pudding

The Party was an Unmitigated Success and by the End of the Night Everyone had a Very, Very Shitty Time.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober