Tag: siblings

Not Totally Off The Record

Well it’s been a Year and a fucking Half and,I still have a few Medical Bills I have to get sorted out which is No Big Deal really it just takes some time. As I said before TIME TAKES TIME.

So Monday Night I went to My Local Bar to meet up with My Brother, SpaceDog, and some Mutual Friends for a couple of Drinks. Once We all had arrived We ordered a Couple of Pitchers of Beer and started to Shoot the Shit and Blow off some Steam.

Unbeknownst to Me My Brother had made up His mind to Record Me (Using His fucking Cell Phone at that) when He thinks I’m saying something with Some Sort of fucking Value. What that May or May Not be is left up to His discretion.

       

I can’t be Mad about it in the Least. I constantly tell Myself I should utilize Voice Memos on My Phone to Record ideas as I go on through out My Day. I’m not always near My Laptop (I’m not one of those Assclowns that walk around all fucking Day with Their Laptop tucked under tTheir Arm or in some shitty bag slung over Their shitty shoulder.).

Also there is NEVER a fucking Pen and Paper when You Need it, but thats alright I end up writing shit down on whatever is handy and then promptly loose Them. Cell Phones aren’t always Sufficient and can be Temperamental twats.

So really He’s doing it on My Behalf. This is a Excerpt from what He recorded That Evening. NOTHING has been Added, Deleted, or Embellished. I like this recording because it showcases both sides of My Personality. On one Hand You have the Decent Guy with a Big Heart. On the Other Hand there’s the Sarcastic, Pessimistic, Shit Talking, Opinionated, Rude, Brutally Honest, Anti-Authority, and Offensive Foul Mouthed Asshole.

       

“You, I feel bad ok there two Schools of Thought. You feel bad because I’m not a complete asshole so I feel bad for the Debt Collector because I am aware of what Their day is like dealing with People like Me when I’m acting like Me.

So thats why like I get really fucking indignant when I don’t duck Your phone calls, I’m not procrastinating, I’m not bullshiting, I’m not wasting your time in fact I’m calling you so all I’m saying is I expect you to be cooler because I’m basically walking up to You and going Hey here’s a free present. I’m not going to yell and curse at you. I’m actually calling you because I want to find out how I can pay the bill or a payment method to do so.

What more can a fucking Creditor want?! I mean fucking seriously, fucking seriously. It should should be Their wet Dream. Even this Lady today was great towards the end and shit We were joking these People do have a sense of humor. They really fucking do. They will admit what Their job is asking of You absolutely fucking ridiculous because They Themselves could not fucking do it, and They work for these people.

       

It was all good like I was confused, but that’s from talking to the other people so a that point I had a limited capacity. Um… I was kind of thinking about what My Wife was saying. Admittedly there is some diminished mental capacity at that point, so that’s all I’m going to say thats My only statement. Um… but like right after We got to joking and like everything was  under control as far as I’m fucking concerned things were going great at that point.

I’m like I’m exhausted, I barely know what the fuck is going on, but I got this Lady laughing I haven’t told Her to go fuck her own face  this is going great. And yes I understand there is another second bill…Oh Shit.

+At this point I was unaware of where I was waving My hands and knocked over My Freshly made Rum & Coke+

       

That’s a dead solider right there, but My point is I dressed that with Her so not only have We taken care of 1 account plus what I had already paid the Doctor’s office before I called Her, and We addressed the 3rd account so we should be fine. Like I said everything is going great. I told Her I had to talk to a particular person to acquire the cash to pay off the 3rd account in full in just one singular fucking payment. Pretty goddamn reasonable if you ask Me for someone who’s being contacted by a fucking Collection Agency.

And like I said I realize it’s Her job dude but it’s the quickest way to get Me to FUCKING HATE YOU. It’s like all bets are off I was playing nice, and self justification that if They aren’t playing nice then I DON’T HAVE TO PLAY NICE. This happened when She jumped Me like an parasitic asshole and was like “Oh Well When will You be Talking to That Person? Do you know how much money you can get from this person? Can you get all of the Money from this person? When do you think you can get some money from that person? When can you get all of the money from that person?

       

So I’m like OH YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK because thats just fucking ridiculous. I just fucking did your job and made your day a whole lot easier by one phone call You can go tell Your Boss You settled an account, They paid this initially today, We got a split payment plan for the rest, and I told Him about the 2nd outstanding account He told Me Blah Blah Blah He’s going to make some calls or whatever.

I’m sorry but as far as I’m concerned thats a fucking Win-Win for fucking both of Us. So I just like I know it’s part of Her job, but like You still as a person She has free will so She didn’t actually have to say that.

And if someone had come to Her and been like “Margret You Didn’t ask THE QUESTIONS?!” or whatever the fuck Her name was She could have been like “HEY in all due favor LOOK Payment, Set Up Payment, and addressed payment So You can’t really be mad at Me.” because basically She did her job Great. I got money, I set up getting more money, and Addressed the 3rd Money What do You want from Me so what if I went off script or some shit?!

       

It wouldn’t mean shit to anybody as long as She collected some fucking cash or a Commitment (AKA a Payment Plan) for Payment because lets face it thats all They give a flying fuck about is the Money. So She literally in all actuality even though I am saying it’s Her job I’m making excuses for Her because I don’t think She had to do that. Why become an asshole at the end of a successful phone call?! What fucking purpose could that serve?!

When She did that there was a feeling like Oh Ok now You’re going to slap Me in the fucking face? We just went thorough all this bullshit, We came to a resolution, We’re all Happy and We’re going to shake hands and instead of shaking My hand You’re going to just slap Me in the Face. And then start drilling Me like some insane interrogation Which by the way I’d have to be fucking Psychic to have any sort of answer about future fucking payment.

       

I have no idea when or where I will speak with someone it’s not fucking like “Oh sure I’ll be having Lunch with them in 3 weeks on the 24th at 12:33pm at The Greasy Spoon Diner. I will have a Cheese burger and They will have the Soup of the fucking Day. They will be impeccably dressed as usual. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK YOU UNREALISTIC ASSHOLE(S).!”

That is were that particular recording was abruptly ended by My Brother.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Returning to Man the Keyboard

As Our Reader are readily aware at this point We have a tendency to how do You say Fall off the Face of the fucking Earth. For this Inconvenience We Wholeheartedly Apologize, and We will attempt to keep the Sporadic Disappearances to a Bare Minimum.

So if You possibly find Yourself pondering what exactly it is/was that We were up too while We were wondering in the Void I’ll tell You, well I’ll give You the Pertinent Points as there’s No Point in Me writing a bunch of Unnecessary shit, and You reading it.

I’m aware most if not All of Our Reader’s more than likely don’t give a shit, and would be happy if We just Stayed Put. You’ll have to Pardon Me then as My Mother raised Me with Manners. Manners are truly a thing of the Past as Manners DIED right after Chivalry.

        

Now its a bunch of Self Serving, Self Absorbed, and Self Centered Social Media assholes Who desperately want to become the next Big Social Media No Talent Scumbag Hack  or a greedy Youtuber twat who only cares about Monetizing Their fucking crappy Channel.

It’s all the same stupid shit. It’s the “Look at Me! Look At Me! I’m so interesting, I’m too talented, I’m God’s gift to fucking Humanity.” mentality. Take FaceBook for instance where assholes post constantly all fucking day long about:

Where They are (NO ONE GIVES A FUCK YOUR AT WALMART ASSHOLES)

What They Ate (ITS FUCKING FOOD NO BIG WHOOP)

Who They Saw or Did shit with (WHO CARES I DON’T KNOW THOSE SAD SACKS OF SHIT.)

What They’re Doing (SO FUCKING WHAT WE ALL HAVE SHIT TO DO.)

What Mood/Relationship Status is (I DON”T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU FUCK OR HOW YOU FEEL BECAUSE YOUR A FUCKING FACELESS FAKE AS FUCK FB “FRIEND”)

Anyway I digress.

       

The First thing I for One was dealing with was I got into a Dispute meets Debate. Then when I became Irritated I was convinced a Thought I had had previously was In Fact absolutely right. I still believe this. As for what the fuck is the Reality of the Situation I believe (after conferring with My Wife) that it squarely falls on My Brother.  My Brother You see is really shit at making Decisions as He spends most of His time Precariously Perched on the Fence unwilling to set Foot on either Side.

I had initially thought My Brother’s Wife was playing a much larger part in the matter than She actually was/is. Though to be utterly honest I did spend a good deal of time trying to Demonize the shit out of Her for it. So be it.

I also had the distinct displeasure of seeing My Cardiologist for a 6 month check in to see if I’m Alive and Still Kicking essentially. There was a fucking Medical Student who for this particular appointment  was part of the Package. NOW YOU CAN simply tell said Student or the Doctor that You don’t want the fucking Student to sit in on YOUR Appointment with YOUR DOCTOR.

       

I know They have to fucking learn, but I view these Shadowing Exercises to be GLORIFIED FIELD TRIPS for Medical Students. I don’t want a complete fucking Stranger sitting in the fucking corner during My Appointment. I know this isn’t the popular PC answer that’s because its the fucking TRUTH.

The Student DOESN’T NEED TO BE PART OF THE APPOINTMENT because I’m talking to My Doctor about sensitive Personal Health History, Current Situation, and Future Treatment Plans such as Various Medications or Diagnostic Tests or perhaps Surgery. Your relationship with Your Doctor is fucking PRIVATE thats why Medical Records are LEGAL DOCUMENTS, and We have a little thing called DOCTOR-PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY.

But I’ll Digress for Now.

       

The Biggest Challenge over the Last Week was the Shit Weather. A massive motherfucker of a Storm front came rolling through Our neck of the Woods. It was Overcast and Rainy along with Blustering Winds and Severe Thunderstorms. So needless to say Our Internet Connection Capabilities/ Service was Virtually Non Existent. It’s the One True Disadvantage to Living in the Middle of  No-Fucking-Where USA.  Hopefully things will Markably Improve Next Month when We switch Our Internet Provider.

The f-yourfilm “Shoot My Face Off, I Like It” (SMFO) Video Game Documentary has already turned into a Labor, No Burden of Love. This Project is not an easy to say the Least. I feel like some sort of fucking Gamer Spy or some insane shit. The Company that made the Game Vanished overnight, and it Removed almost every Scrap of Evidence that the Game ever in fact Existed at All.

       

To further make things difficult the Japanese Government ended up Outlawing SMFO and Did everything in It’s power to make any and all information pertaining to SMFO miraculously Disappear from Public Record. All Sites and Forums for SMFO along with any News Story or Article (Televised, In Print or Online) or Advertising pertaining to SMFO has apparently been Suppressed to the umpteenth degree.

We may just end up Posting a 6 part SMFO Series on What We have managed to scrape up by the skin of Our Teeth. Since We aren’t at all sure the Documentary will be able to Answer the Vast Majority of the Questions surrounding this Video Game Enigmatic Mystery. We shall See.

For those Who have commented on the LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER series Yes We fucked up and LJPPW faltered in Our goal of Daily Posts/Posting. We were concerned that New Reader’s may become confused or miss something because They might look at the Post List and think its a LJPPW centric Blog. We have had a sit down (by this I mean We sat around Our Favorite Bar and Brainstormed using Alcohol as Fuel for the Process) and here is what We decided.

       

The first thing We decided to due is Scrape the Failed Daily Post/Posting since its an exercise in Futility, BUT We knew We had to think of something. Quite Obviously the easiest thing to due was Limit the Number or Posts to Every Other Day. This seemed like a similar set up issue wise as the Daily Posting Deal. We certainly didn’t want to fuck up again so We kept Thinking and Drinking.

Someone suggested perhaps making just 2 LJPPW  Posts a Week One on Monday at the start of the Week, and One on Friday at the End of the week as well. This was Not at all a bad idea yet it seemed to be lacking something key. In the End We agreed LJPPW feels like a Sunday Comic like Dick Tracy and Tarzan from The Past in Print. Thats to say its an ongoing Story but like with Sunday Comic or Television Shows its contained to a single Episode Per Week. That Episode will be Posted every SUNDAY starting with this Coming One (6/30)

      

Thats All We got for Now So Stick With US and See Were It Goes.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

The Backyard Beasts Big Break

It was just one of those mundane and utterly uneventful night a few days back that was until 4:07am. And then all fucking Hell broke loose. My Wife had passed out in her favorite Lazy Boy Recliner around midnight or so, and I dozed off around a little before 3 am.

The Backyard Beasts had been more vocal than usual that evening which now that I think about it was some serious foreshadowing. It was the wailing, Whining, loud, and virtual nonstop barking of the Backyard Beasts that woke my very unamused Wife who then yelled about being woke up due to the son of a bitch beasts. This in turn immediately woke me up and I glanced at the clock which read 4:07 am.

My Wife was shuffling like mad around looking for a flashlight and her shoes. My shoes where near by under the coffee table so I snatched them up, put them on, turned off the alarm system, found my keys, unlocked the door, and bounded out to the front porch.

I start scanning the yard squinting like a motherfucker because we don’t have street lights being so far out in the woods. I cursed out loud for not getting a hold of a flashlight myself as I stared into the night. The I saw it. It was big solid black silhouette standing at the edge of the yard between two trees. The only reason I could see that much was thank to the aid of our neighbors rather promenade out door lights. Their lights backlit the street just enough to see the contrast between the black of night and the black of the beasts.

I yelled to my Wife that there was another Beast out here and that was exciting ours evidently though I was completely wrong. This is not uncommon here in the Woods where people let there dogs roam like free range chickens out and about at all hours doing whatever they please.

I then had a odd feeling and then it clicked. This wasn’t a neighbor’s Beast, it was one of ours, the Brother Beast. I ran down into the yard words the Beast shouting his name, and He came right over. I took hold of his collar with an steely grip of a fucking Bear trap.

My Wife had ran directly to the back gate (instead of entering from the house where the Beasts are forbidden to go) and opened it to go see what she could find the fuck out. In opening the back gate she inadvertently let out the 2nd of our pair of Beasts (their a Brother-Sister Team who are the absolutely inseparable. The Girl won’t follow her Brother so she stayed put in the yard and lamented loudly pleading with her Brother to come the fuck back already.)  The Girl then decided to go rejoin her Brother and tore off like a fucking rocket into the dead of night.

My Wife ran passed me to corral the Sister Beast as I passed her with the Brother Beast in tow. I put the Boy Beast back into the confines of the backyard, and went to help my Wife. All of a sudden I hear her proclaim allowed that she has BOTH Beasts now. I holler back that I’m going to get some leashes to tie up the Beasts while I go inspect the backyard to see where the Beast escaped from.

I searched relentlessly checking the fence, the yard, and looked for any clues such as did he go under or over the Fence? Was the back gate to the yard eft unlocked? That kind of shit. Well after inspecting the backyard I was stumped. So I did the only thing I could and that was to take the gamble. The gamble being that if I had my Wife return the Beasts to the backyard that instead of waiting for me to leave and then escaping again, but rather the Boy would be stupid enough to just go for it right in front of me. Luckily it was the latter.

The dumb bastard trotted around to the opposing side of the house, walked over to the far side of the Air Conditioner, crouched down to the ground by the section of the fence that meets the Home Office, and started to crawl under it like some solider at boot camp running a obstacle course. I hurried over, bent down, and grabbed the Beast at the base of his large tail. As I retrieved the Boy Beast from out under the fence I informed my Wife I found his way out.

I then set to work fixing the issue the best I could with what I had available at 4 fucking AM. First I used some small fence stakes to secure the bottom of the fence like doctor Frankenstein stitching up his Monster. I the placed to long and rather weighty spare wooden beams at the base to help block the dig site/zone. My Wife and I went inside to catch our breath. Then the Mournful Howling started up again. I ran out front and again spotted our Boy bouncing around gleefully in the front yard without a care in the world. I managed once again to catch hold of his collar and wrangled him back into the backyard.

I immediately went to inspect the escape site and saw he had maneuvered the beams out of the way and tore up/out damn near every fence stake. So this time we decided it be best to just section off that small 5 foot long and 3 foot wide area until morning (when I could go to Home Depot and load up on cinder blocks to line the bottom of the fence with. Dig under that you big bitch is the motto) We had a massive and heavy piece of Ply Wood left over from the construction of my Art Studio I had held onto. This was perfect for the job of blockade. It was Long enough to block the space,  tall enough neither Beast could jump or climb over or under it, and it was pretty damn heavy.

My Wife and I were on the porch winding down off our adrenaline fueled frustration when we heard deliberate scratching of claws against wood. We both ran out back again and saw that the leaning Ply Wood wasn’t going to cut it by itself as the Boy Beast was creeping through the space behind it. I went and got the previously used beams and wedged them up against the Ply Wood, but we still need more. I found some old, solid wood barn type doors left over from the previous owner and I knew they had some serious weight to them so I leaned both of them up against the ply Wood, andante again my Wife and I retired to the House.

Yet again We heard the Boy Beast testing the viability of the Ply Wood wall and for what seemed like the 5,000th time went to go evaluate the escape situation. We came to the conclusion the Ply Wood needed yet MORE securing so I went and fetched some of the mock rout iron gates that came in sections down at the Home Depot’s gardening center. I used the pieces of gate the pin the Ply Wood to the Air Conditioner, and it held fast.

Finally my Wife and I got a few more hours of sleep before waking for work. My Wife went off to work as per usual, and I fired up my Lap Top. Then after about an hour or two I heard the Girl Beast’s cry of desperation. I ran to a back window and peered out only to see that fucking son of a bitch Boy Beast standing on the dirt road behind our home office happier than a Prize Pig in shit. I went out and pretended I was giving his Sister a treat (I always give the Beasts a treat before heading out anywhere.), and just like a sucker at a used car dealer he bought it.

I then called my Wife in a foul fit of anger (and exasperation) and told her what happened, and that outside of killing them or myself had come to the end of my rope. She instructed me to house the Beasts on the front porch until she got off work. She said right after she got off she’d head over to Home Depot and pick up the cinderblocks.

I followed her lead and stashed the Beasts on the front porch for the day. I couldn’t help it though I had to see how the hell the Boy had pulled off yet another escape. I was truly surprised at what I found. The Ply Wall was perfectly still intact. After further inspection I realized the Boy Beast I climbed up and over the Air Conditioner Unit to circumvent the Ply Wood, and then simple jumped down the other side into the separated section to dig under the fence.

That evening my Wife returned home with the cinderblocks, and I went about building a Fence Bottom Cinderblock Barrier. Before I laid the cinder blocks down I used a couple sections of the mock fence as anchors. I simply slid the legs of the section of mock fence between sections of the chain link thus pinning it to the ground. The Boy Beast did try and escape again to no vail, but not due to a lack of trying. All I had to due to secure that bottom section of the fence was to tweak the cinderblock’s formation. And all is quite on the Western Front as some would be apt to say.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober