Tag: squatters

Textpocalypse 2021: SQUATTERS

I’ve said it once and I shall say it again I am a Life Long Fan of Absurdity. I suppose that’s Why I love Shows like Trigger Happy T.V., The Eric Andre Show, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Little Britton. I appreciate the Fact that not Only its Absurdity Wildly Entertaining in My Opinion but it’s Also Flexible. There is the More Commonly Embraced Out Right Absurdity, and as an Example I will Use a Text I sent on Our Family Text Chain on Friday September 17th at 3:02 pm:

“Fun Fact Friday: Neanderthals discovered Time Travel. It’s a Tragedy that They do Not receive the Immense Amount of Credit They Deserve for Their Amazing Discoveries in Time-Space Travel. The Root of Reason for this is Neanderthals were Considered to be “Primitive Man” by Archeologists when that couldn’t be Farther from the Truth. This lead to Their Dismissal of the Neanderthals’s Cave Paintings Chronicling Their Research as “Just more Cave Doodles”. Now a Consideration that One must take into Account is that in all Due Favor ironically the aforementioned Archeologists were a Tad Distracted. They were rather Preoccupied with Practicing Their Bullwhip Skills, and Not Being Crushed by Large Dislodged Boulders.”

                   

This by Anyone’s Standards is Quite Obviously Not even Close to being True and that Fact is Blatantly Obvious to All. Now Absurdity Doesn’t have to be Cartoonish, Over the Top Gonzo, In Your Face, or Manic in its Approach. Absurdity can be Subtle as Hell. The Best way I can Explain it is I Wholeheartedly Believe that You can Say Anything (I mean the Craziest Shit You can Possibly Think of to Say), and as Long as You can Say it with a Straight Face and Conviction You create a Reasonable Doubt. That’s to Say the Person will tell Themselves that You were so Obviously Joking because No Way could Anyone be Serious about such an Absurd Statement. That’s when the Reasonable Doubt Starts to set in, and They Start to Subtly Second Guess Themselves. The More They Doubt the More They can’t Write the Whole Conversation Off as a Joke or One’s Odd Sense of Humor.

         

A Real Life Example of this Type of Subtle Absurdity that Rails through the Halls of Reason happened to Me the Other Day. It was 10:20 pm and I had a Free moment and found Myself thinking of Weird, Yet Unoffensive Shit to Post on My Family’s Ongoing Text Chain, and Finally decided to go with an Absurd Meme. What Happened Next was a Humorously Confused Text Exchange between Myself, My Mom, and My Aunt. Now At First I assume My Aunt Knew I was Kidding Around, but once My Mom entered the Conversation My Aunt seemed to get Confused as to what is Actually going on. As You will See even though I kept the Whole thing Going I did Start Responding with Absurder Shit Each Time. I was thinking that at Some unseen Level of Absurdity They’d Understand I was just fucking around, and the Outcome was Not what I Expected.

Here is the Aforementioned  Text Exchange:

Me: 

My Aunt: Uh oh!

Me: Dang Squatters got in the Walls Again.

My Aunt: Oops!!

My Mother: Mice! But I am getting them with the Green Bait Balls!!

Me: Excellent what works on Wall Squatters living in One’s Walls? I called Terminex, but when it comes to Pests They don’t cover Wall Dwelling Squatters. I’m going to check Reddit for possible solutions.

  (8 Minutes Later)  

Me: Well Reddit is a Total Bust. All I found was Information Pertaining to One’s Walls being inhabited by Wayward Hobos.

My Mom: If you get rid of pests in the house, you  are likely you are likely to handle those in the walls, also at the same time. Also a good pest control company should be able to check your house over thoroughly and close any openings that might be allowing entrance to birds, mice, squirrels, or other varmints…

Me: That’s Good Advice the thing that Baffles me is I may Not be the Most Observant Person, I’d like to Think I could Spot an Opening the Size of an Devious Adult Squatter. I have a Sneaking suspicion the Specific Wall Squatters are in fact Tunneling in like Mole People. Does anyone know a Good Company that can check House Foundations since if the Conniving Squatters are in fact Tunneling in to Access the Walls the Foundation Integrity may be Compromised. Also on a similar Note I’m pretty sure My Home Insurance Doesn’t cover this sort of Thing.

                   

My Aunt: No, Les, I am sure that insurance will not cover it and you are correct, they will most definitely have an impact on the integrity of the foundation if not treated…We have that problem here in Atlanta…Let me see if I can find the thread from the area and see if I can tell you who they called and what they did.

My Mom: I use Terminex, Les. I have a contract with them. They treat all pests and insects, not just termites, but you might want to check if you call to make sure they cover exclusion of squirrels, mice, bats, etc. I have had good experience with the local one. In the meantime, Les, go to the Farm Center and get some of those green balls- Ramik baits. Put a couple in a bottle lid or something under the kitchen sink in a cabinet that stays shut so your pets don’t have access. If they disappear overnight that means mice are getting them- and they go out out of the house and died. I find them very effective.

My Aunt: Crocodile Dave seems to be the one that they love here, but it seems that most of the termite companies now treat wildlife intrusion also..and try what your mom suggested, too, because according to the thread, it can be expensive..Good luck!

                   

TEXTED THE FOLLOWING MORNING:

Me: To Whom It May Concern: Last Night I had a couple of Beers and was boded so I scrolled through My Pictures on my Phone. When I saw the Absurd Meme I thought it would be funny to post here. Then I decided it be far funnier if I claimed ACTUAL Homeless People were Squatting in the Walls, thus following the Theme of the Meme. Apparently Some became confused and under the impression and thought I was eloquently describing Mice. There are No Mice or Other Pests. We have been using Terminex for 4 years and still do.

My Aunt: Well, thank goodness. I just have real estate brain, so any mention of foundation issues and my antenna goes up..glad it’s not for real!!

My Mom: Yes, you did confuse us, LES! Good to get your reassurance!

 

Thanks For Reading,

 By Les Sober 

Catalog Of Humanity (The Vile Version)

The once grand city fell into the continuing chaos of decades of decay,

The businesses and those with money have abandoned this sickening city,

The whores loitering outside of the local liquor store looking for love,

The strung out narcotic zombie working the corner cleaning windshields to feed his abominable addiction,

The open festering sores that line the limbs of the homeless,

The panhandler suffering through withdraw from drink or drug fidgeting in the door way of a flea bag motel,

The flop house littered with junkies cooking up and shooting up nodding their nightmares away,

The constant flickering of lighters from the derelict row home windows reminiscent of fire flies as the crack pipes burn on,

The entire city is a cess pool engulfed in the putrid stench of a sewer,

The crooked cops riding around in the streets high on their own brutality like Nazis scumbag sons of bitches,

The dirty little convince stores selling single cigarettes and lottery scratchers to the soulless and the suffering,

The dim florescent glow from dive bars windows beckoning the bums inside for a glass of piss poor beer,

The screaming machinery bellowing like a banshee from the chop shops,

The junkyard dogs chained up in yards of dirt, clumps of weeds, and piles of its own shit,

The pimps perched like perverted gargoyles waiting to be paid by their beaten and broken bitches,

The asshole teenagers from the suburbs driving into the city to prey on the unfortunate,

The drug dealers posting up on the street corners peddling potent poisons,

The gangs who wage an endless war of horror over disputed territories,

The bouncer ejecting a greasy client from the shadows of a back room illegal casino,

The overlapping layers of spray paint so thick one can’t tell the walls original color,

The plagues of rats and roaches devouring the city turning it into shit,

The cold gray fermentable walls of the State Prison looming large casting its silhouette across the southern side of the city,

The now defunct factories slowly rotting away in the winds of time,

The dead Vietnam vet who overdosed in his cardboard condo decomposing as his body waits to be found,

The piles of foul garbage that choke up the entrances to allies,

The deep brown tap water thats murky like mud,

The squatters that inhabit the vast city cemetery emerge under the dark cloak of the encroaching night to forage for food,

The front stairs of the court house teems with lawyers and defendants debating their legal fates,

The Public assistance offices are over crowded and under staffed as the government gives up on the poor,

The sea of condoms that surround the dumpster out back of the check cashing store where hookers trade in dick for dollars,

The methhead on a 4 day bender thats furiously fucking a dead pigeon in the desolate park,

The the old deranged mentally ill man who wonders the streets arguing with himself and losing,

The inhabitants of tent city sit around their make shift fires roasting their catch of stray cats for diner,

The bankrupt arena the city built without proper parking at the corner of Rape and Heroin,

The drunken man beating his kids since he wore out his wife before his tv diner,

The dead and the dying wallowing in squalor and their lost faith,

The cries of an unwanted baby unceremoniously deposited in a garbage dumpster by a terrified teenage mother,

The distinct crunch of empty crack files mixed with broken beer bottles under ones feet as they walk down the street,

The nightly fist fights that break out in the city’s central soup kitchen,

The crumbling churches now just idle monuments to a bygone god,

And this city of shit could be any city, all cities dying from industrial death,

And forgotten by history and humanity alike.