Tag: Strangers

The Tale of Dunkin Donuts Man & Starbucks Woman

I was out this Weekend with My Wife at The Godawful Grocery Store Battling the Mind Numbing Monotony of it All. You see Errands Irritate the Shit Out of Me it’s Not the Actual Act of Shopping its All the Other Assholes I have to circumvent or Deal with Outright. The One thing that was Amusing Me was the New Dunkin Donuts T-Shirt I found in My Closet (I can’t remember where it came from Initially.) which Read: Friends Don’t Let Friends Drink Starbucks.

I got a huge fucking kick as I am a Big Time Dunkin Donuts Fan I also fucking HATE THE SHIT OUT OF STARBUCKS always Have ALWAYS WILL. Starfuck’s Coffee is a bunch of Over Hyped and Over Priced Bitter Bullshit, and Not Only That but Starfucks Customers are Pretentiously Lame Lemmings. Starfucks Pompus Customers that get Off on all the Happy Hipster Horseshit like calling the Employees Baristas or the fucking Ridiculously Coded Names for Their Coffees.

My Wife stepped away for a Minute to retrieve some sort of Ass Cream. This was for the Sole purpose of having Me ask Why She was Buying Ass Cream, and then Her Saying  “It’s for My Asshole.” before Handing it Directly To Me with a Sly Smile. I like to see that I rubbed off on Her a Bit over the Years even if its My Absurd Sarcastic Sense Humor.

       

While My Wife was off Getting Her Prop so She could Set Me Up a Woman came Strolling By. Then out of fucking No Where She stops right in from of Me. She stood there Facing Me glaring like She just smiled the Foulest Fart imaginable with one Hand on the Shopping Cart Handle and the Other on Her Waist. She remained standing thee like that before finally speaking the fuck up, and when She did She Said “I HATE Your Shirt.” in a Totally Pissed the fuck Off tone of Voice.

After making Her Spite Filled Statement She again just Stood there in front of Me Disapprovingly like a Angry ass Soccer Mom or Some shit. Now Normally I’d have a Clever and Bitter Response that would have Leveled Her, BUT I was completely Blind Sided by This Barrage of Bullshit. So going with My Knee Jerk Reaction I Blurted out “Well Fuck You Too.” To My Surprise the Woman remained Standing Unfazed by My Harsh and Foul Mouthed Response.

The Two of Us remained in this bizarre Stand Off until luckily for Me My Wife returned. She immediately knew something weird was going on by  the Scowl on My face. She asked what was going on, and I informed Her this Stranger had Stopped specifically to tell Me she Hated My Shirt. That and at that Point I had responded with the exclamation “Well Fuck You Too.” My Wife looked over at the Lady and said to her something about being a Starbucks Lover (aka Dunkin Donut Hater) to which The Strange Woman confirmed.

I was still a bit baffled by this bullshit scenario because She didn’t say She Hated My Shirt Jokingly, She didn’t say it Sarcastically, and She didn’t do the Whole “I’m only half Joking because really I’m being a Dick using a Backhanded Compliment.” She simply got in My face and Told Me She Hated My Shirt with No Context or Emotion other than Repulsed Disgust.

A Moment or Two after Admitting Her comment was Pro Starbucks Driven the Woman finally Turned and slowly walked away pushing Her Shopping Cart with Aggravated Determination. Seconds after the Woman Exited the Isle a Man came by and informed Me he liked the Shirt and thought it made all the sense in the World. He pointed out How this Weirdo Woman’s reaction only served to back the Statement written on My T-Shirt. Thats because Starbucks Coffee is Not just a fucking Scam, BUT Their Customers are Stuck the fuck Up Elitist Coffee Assholes to boot.

We finished Our Shopping Trip without Running into the StarBucks Bitch again which I guess is for the Best since I ended up getting rather Pissed Myself after the Fact. The funny fucking thing is Out of ALL (I have an extensive Collection I’ve Accumulated over My Many Years on this Planet) T-Shirts that I Own This was the One that Pissed Off Someone to the Point They had to Personally Inform Me of Their Hate. I mean in all actuality have some T-shirts that are So Offensive I don’t wear them in Public Anymore, Yet its NOT because Someone Confronted Me over any of Them. I’m just trying to Save Myself Bullshit Run Ins like The One I just Wrote About.

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (30/365)

“You see the Old Timer in the Tweet Hat with the Classic Wild West Mustache? Well He showed up first and went strait after the first Staff Member he Laid eyes on. That unfortunate Soul was the Hipster Vegan looking Guy with the fucking Clip Board.”reported the Stranger before indulging in another Long Sip of Fortified Wine.

“I’m calling that Old Dude Tweedy He reminds Me of Someone’s fucking Grandfather who also happened to an AlcoholicYou know He shows up at Family functions already half fucking lit. Then after a few additional Cocktails He’s off to the Races Ranting and Raving about anything and everything under the fucking Sun. Now You see the Two Old Biddies there flanking Tweedy? Those Two showed up 10 minutes into Tweedy’s Tirade about Crappy Customer Service, and the Death of The Service Industry as a Whole.” said The Stranger observingly as He leaned back on the Stool balancing precariously on the Verge of Falling flat on His ass.

        

“The Two Old Biddies are like Tweedy’s Calvary They just happened to be near by and decided to insert Themselves into the Scenario” continued the Stranger, ” They don’t have a point or argument of Their own like Sharks smelling Blood in the Water They heard the Chaos and Jumped on in. The Old Biddies are acting as Tweedy’s unoffical Cheer Leaders if You will back or agreeing with every word that comes out of His Mouth. I don’t think this is a money Issue I think its an Age Issue.”

“Age issue? What kind of Age issue is this then exactly I’m not sure I see what You’re saying.” Lee said with the Honesty of a Child.

      

“Yeah its an Age issue I’m telling You. Tweedy and His posse are actually Mad that They’re Old, and the World has Changed as Society Evolved. It’s gotten Overwhelming to Them at this point in Their Lives. They just want to vent Their frustration about Growing Old and to be Heard. People have a shitty habit of Generally ignoring Their Elders.” The Stranger said Sympathetically, ” Then when People do actual stop to talk to an Elder They talk to Them condescendingly like They’re a fucking 3 year Old. Its Revoltingly Disrespectful You ask me.They Show represents the Dawn of the New Day something Unknown and Scary to Them. Thus that makes the $3 a symbolic way of Reclaiming the Past Reclaiming Their Youth that They had Lost to Father Time.”

“Funny how I’ve often thought the same thing about how Our Society writes off the Elderly with total Disrespect. It’s a fucking Insult on so any Levels.” replied Lee as He found Himself feeling an acute Empathy for the Elderly all of a sudden.

       

“They Call Me Dizzy,” the Stranger said introducing Himself at last, “This Little Life Drama has about run its course, and They’re all just Jabbering away in Circles at this point. It’s a Classic fucking Stalemate so You want to get a Beer?”

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Breath Taking Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (31/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober