Tag: stress

To whom it may concern: status update for FYB 2021

Hello Everyone and Everybody,

My name is Justin Sane and I am excited to finally address everyone out there in FYB land, and i’m not sure where to start. This is one of those things you plan out in your head, and when the moment comes at last your brain goes blank so your left just standing there with your genitals in your hand. To get started here’s a basic run down of FYB for you.

The creative team: the who’s who of FYB

  • Les Sober Founder FYB Inc. and Creative Director
  • Justin Sane  Les’s righthand, long time friend, and Director of Content
  • Otto Rageous  Les’ lefthand man, long time  and Project Director
  • Lady Les’ wife, better half, handler, guardian angel, confidant, best friend soulmate, consultant, advisor, and unofficial 4th member of the FYB Team.
  • SpaceDog Les’s partner in crime, long time friend, and Content Contributor.
  • N@P Les’s close friend, content contributor, and Creative consult.
  • Coming soon!!! C-Nobody Les’s good friend, musician, creative consultant, and future content contributor.

What’s in a name?

The name thing actually started. Les, Otto,and I had a hardcore punk band called Stank breath. I can’t remember why exactly the reason we chose the name Stank Breath, but that’s high school freshmen boys for you. Since we were a punk band we all assumed stage names, and we have keep them for  every artistic project since. The point is we want people to know our work  not who we are. The point is Les isn’t the only paranoid introvert around these parts though he currently the local heavy weight champion, and will be defending the quad county championship belt next month in Muncie Indiana. Tickets on sale now $15 in advance $20 at the door. Doors open at 7 pm and the show starts at 8 pm Must be 21+ with valid proof of age for admittance is strictly enforced. Event is being held at the town’s local senior center use google maps for directions.

My 2 cents worth

The question of why I’m writing this now or why the hell am I here all of a sudden which is fare enough. FYB has been on an unplanned break due to circumstances mainly beyond our control. Some might say we are in some sort of “control”of situations when it comes to Les. Thats why I specifically stated for the record “mainly beyond our control” because have you ever tried to wrangle a fucking category 5 shitnado before?! It ain’t easy and damned near impossible.

To briefly recap Les is an extremely intense and some what emotionally unstable which makes him both a creative force to be reckoned with and an out of control asshole. Les has spent most of his life looking to master moderation so he could achieve some sort of balance in his chaotic existence. Les is a lot like moonshine in that as it ages Moonshine mellows as it becomes less abrasive and stronger with the passing of time. So if you meet Les and think he’s a motherfucking madman you can only imagine what dealing with him was like in the early days.

                 

We collectively and in total agreement decided Les needed to try and take a break from everything in an attempt to keep him on the safer side of insanity. First off there was the hellishly busy and corrosively commercial holidays. What people including Les learned in 2020 is that getting a family together for a Zoom call in reality is actually harder to pull off than just gathering everyone in a group someplace. When you enter the Zoom universe you enter a suspended space and time continuum that is far more abstract is structure than that of the Physical realm or reality.

Unfortunately aside from the hell of the holidays a perfect fucking shitstorm has been brewing for several weeks in the land of Les recently. So it stay focused and on topic I’m going to paraphrase and use plenty of actual quotes from Les to give you a closer first hand view. The thing that you most likely notice is these are all things that SERIOUSLY Piss Les Off hence the perfect shitstorm scenario.

        

The Security Situation

Les has such high standards that the Lunatic can’t even live up to them. Thats right Les’s standards for People himself included are so High they are virtually unreachable. Its like dangling a carrot infant of a stubborn donkey to get it to walk. The donkey will never get the carrot but as long as it sees it hanging in mid air right in front of its face it remains obtainable as far as the donkey is concerned anyway. Customer service is a huge issue with Les who has gone on record making statements like :

  • “Is it too goddamn much to ask some fucking idiot to do their fucking job?!”
  • “They act like I’m bothering them, oh so fucking sorry for making you do the job you’re getting pain to fucking do in the first fucking place.”
  • “Incompetent or Uncaring either fucking way they’re all a bunch of motherfucking fuckers.”
  • “Apparently customer service is a dead industry and now asshole rule the fucking world.”

There was an issue with the FYB security system which I will not get into here as Les is already working feverishly on a Post about it with all the gritty details. Anyway the System was fucking up, Les spent 5 plus hours on the phone trying to remedy the problem with the alarm company, got so pissed that he switched alarm companies, and got a better deal. Even though Les is fond of saying “Alls well that ends well” he forgets to mention that in spite of the newer and far superior alarm system he will hold a grudge concerning how shitty the customer service of the original alarm company was. Les may not be able to carry a tune but he can carry a grudge for fucking YEARS.

Dealing with Les I am constantly reminded of my favorite scene from the movie From Dusk To Dawn. It’s the scene where the main characters have gained access to the Biker Bar and Harvey Keitel asks George Clooney’s character. Keitel’s character asks Clooney’s character if he is so stupid that he doesn’t know when he won. This is alluding to the fact while Clooney’s character’s plan is working and he’s hours away from being rich having escaped the authorities, but he’s willing to blow it all because he’s pissed at a Bar Patron for getting in his face. Thats Les in a nutshell. Sure the ordeal sucked like a $2 crack whore on a week long bender, yet as Les pointed out in the end he actually came out on top, but he rather focus on still being pissed about how it all went down even now that its over. Les I love you buddy but for Christ’s Sake LET IT GO LES JUST LET IT FUCKING GO BROTHER!!!

An apple a day keeps the doctors away….

Les is also been increasingly shitty due to his annual yearly doctor’s visit, and Les has let his contempt, disgust, and flat out hatred for all doctors (dentists included the sadistic fuckers) so no surprise he’s not a happy camper about having to see the doctor even if it is his. As Les has summed it up “Fuck doctors every fucking medical procedure is Painful or Uncomfortable, Costly, and usually rather embarrassing bordering on humiliating. Then all the greedy cocksuckers have to tell you is bad news followed by worse fucking news.”

See we all know doctors and all that shit sucks and the system sucks even worse, but we deal with it the best we can and life goes on. Not Les though he runs into a bump in the road and wants to fucking declare full blown fucking war on it. He becomes hyper focused to the point of obsession with destroying whatever is in his way or upset him. Les’s unofficial motto is “You fuck with me and I’ll fucking fuck you back 10 times over.” Les can be a truly vengeful son of a bitch. Its not good for his fucking health it fucking can’t be. I mean getting so stressed out or frustrated that you turn such a deep shade of red you look like the top of your fucking head is going to explode like a volcano. So at that point  I mean your blood pressure has to be totally fucked up.

         

YouTube lands on Les’s shit list

As You are more than likely aware Les has been fucking Livid because Youtube recently changed their policies concerning age restricted content playing on 3rd party sites. Ever since it first took effect (Les was caught off guard because he doesn’t keep up on current tech shit or what big tech is up to) Les went APE SHIT. Once he “Calmed down” he was spitting venom like crazy about how big tech are greedy capitalism driven corporate whores who look at people as walking talking ATM machines. Les SHIT HAPPENS BROTHER. All Les wanted to do was find away to thwart YouTubes Policies, but Youtube just implemented these policies so if there is a way around them no one has figured it out yet. In the mean time all that we need to do is research other similar platforms until we find one that we can use or use to replace Youtube all together.

I mean I don’t get how the hell Les didn’t see this coming, and I’m sure he did he just wasn’t giving the situation his full undivided attention. Les knew things were changing because things always change, and it was when he was doing our most in-depth piece on GG Allin that Les discovered YouTube was pushing for more of their content to be on a buy or rent basis instead of free. Then Les was aware of YouTube going ballistic with the whole fucking monetization thing from increased advertising to YouTube taking a hefty cut of YouTuber’s profits. Then came the age restricted content deal which simply funnels more traffic to their site to the detriment of smaller 3rd party sites. It’s the usual case of the big dogs throwing their weight around to subjugate the little guy.

I mean this age restricted bullshit happened at the same time YouTube made its first major move into the streaming market with the ironically named YouTube TV. I get everyone wants a piece of the streaming pie, but YouTube streaming tv shows and shit just seems like a conflict of interest to me anyway. AGAIN LES IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD FUCK YOUTUBE AND LETS BE PROACTIVE INSTEAD OF REACTIVE!!!

Health insurance is hell

Lastly Les has been dealing with several different health insurance companies pertaining to prescription drug programs (we have no idea why though as of yet) and its not goin well. “Its going from the frying pan into the fire back into the frying pan and then back into the fire once again” as Les has put it. Apparently things with his health insurance weren’t to his liking so he’s been shopping around. To make things worse Les’s wife got shitty information and subpar assistance from a healthcare professional who helped her select her and Les’s new plan.

Due to the poor advice she signed up to a plan that turns out she wasn’t even happy with. There was all this fine print bullshit and they failed to send Les’s wife the proper paperwork in time for them to review it and use the opt out clause. Les is fucking furious and had repeatedly yelled “This is by far the shittiest fucking bullshit plan I have ever heard of it’s fucking pointless. You pay out your ass and get nothing in return its a fucking racket, a goddamn fucking scam.”

Les does have a point though in that the health insurance company your paying to protect you incase of illness or injury EMPLOY AN ENTIRE DEPARTMENT who’s job it is to thoroughly direct each and every customer claim ti find a way NOT TO PAY THE CLAIM. So when you see those fucking bullshit health insurance ads on tv remember they’ll gladly take your money while simultaneously trying to fuck you over.

So all in all Les will be returning shortly and has agreed to accept the help he know he could use, but refuses to ask for. As far as the future is concerned you’ll be hearing more from me along with Otto and some new Content Providers such as C-Nobody in 2021.

Sincerely,

Justin Sane  

Stress Kills (0.01)

Smeldy pulled into the Last Parking Space in the entire Parking Lot Not by choice mind you, but because there simply wasn’t anywhere else He could have possibly Park. To say Smelly detested Shopping would be the understatement of the Millennium as Smedly HATED IT. He Hated it with every fucking fiber of His being. It was the actual act of Shopping that enraged Him so it was all the Other Shoppers that were the source of Smedly’s Anti-Shopping Hate.

This was a ongoing Theme in Smedly’s Life. Smedly for all intents and purposes Despised People and the Humanity in General. This was why Smedley didn’t Drive unless He had to He loved Driving itself, But again it was all the Other Drivers that sucked the fun out for Him. Also and for the same Reason Smedly avoided Sports Bars which tended to be Crowded, Loud, and Full of Personality Types He found despicable (The Sports Fanatic the one’s who refer to their favorite Team as “Our Team” or the Overly Macho Frat Boy Types that use Sports as a Reason to Binge Drink. Lastly Smedly hated Eat in Public as He had a serious and extreme aversion to People looking or Staring at Him especially when He was Eating.

   

The Trend of 24 Hour Big Box Stores such as Walmart for example were a Godsend for Smedly as it alleviated the Other Shoppers Issue. He could walk right in and move freely around the Store collecting His purchases in relative Peace. The Only other living Souls in the Entire Place where a COuple of Cashiers, and the Overnight Stocking Crew. Smedly found this pleasing as He could conduct His entire shopping trip without seeing a single other Human Being it was almost like He was the Last Man On Earth (the idea of which suited Smedly just fine).

Unfortunately Today Smedly was in Dire need of Assorted Odds and Ends, and it just so happened to be the Weekend which meant everyone and Their fucking Mothers were Off work and Running Errands all damn Day Long. Smedly sighed as He walked briskly towards the Glutton’s Grocery Store in anticipation of the Fresh Hell lying in wait for Him inside. Smedly was a Typical Commando Shopper. This in part was what made the act of Shopping during Normal Business Hours so Miserable for Smedly. A Commando Shopper has a short and concise list of a Handful of Purchases that They need to make, and They retrieve them quickly as humanly possible. Once the Purchase have been collected the Commando Shopper makes a Direct B-line towards the Nearest Cashier with Payment Method in Hand enabling them to Check out Quickly as They Can.

           

Smelly hit the Front Door like a fucking out of control Battering Ram and was immediately met with a Variable Sea of Shoppers. As Smedly scanned the Store just after entering in Contempt as The Shopping Scene He was about to Enter into was definitely as Big a Pain in the Ass as He had thought it would be. It appeared the Entire Population of the State was out doing Their Weekly Shopping Smedly thought to Himself angrily. Smedly set off delving into the Ocean of Consumers as He devised an optimal Shopping Strategy to Assist in making this Shopping Trip Less Hellish than it had to be.

Smedly decided to Start in the Dairy department since He needed some Milk and then He would work His way across the Store to the Other side picking up what He needed on the Way. Smedly was having trouble navigating through the Herd of Shoppers as They wondered aimlessly around the Store utterly oblivious to Their surroundings. The Principle for success was the same in Auto Racing Smedly thought to Himself Angrily. Like in Auto Racing the Key to getting a Head is locating an opening in-between Your Opponent that You can squeeze through to get ahead.

            

Smedly reached the Dairy case only to find the Part of the Dairy case that Housed the Milk was currently being blocked by a Self Absorbed Soccer Mom with a Full Cart and Several unruly Children Running amok as She idols chatted on Her Cell Phone. Patience was a Virtue that Smedly was sadly Born without so it took only a brief moment before Smedly lost His temper succumbing to His Growing Frustration. Smedly announced Loudly to No One in particular that it was truly Amazing  how Self Centered People became when They were on Their goddamn Cell Phones. The Woman then annoyingly told whoever She was talking to to Hold on a minute, shot Smedly a Aggressive Stare that clearly read as “Eat Shit” before rounding up Her Children, and Finally getting the fuck out of the Way already.

Smedly snatched up a Gallon of Milk like a Hawk snatching it Prey right out of Thin Air. Next Smedly needed Eggs so He walked down to the Egg section of the Dairy Area where He was accosted by a Little Old Man who looked to be over a Hundred Years Old. As Smedly was inspecting Cartons of Eggs to insure none where cracked or in any other way Damaged The Little Old Man who was a complete Stranger moseyed over and stood right next to Smedly. The Old Man launched into a diatribe about how to properly select eggs, and that He grew up on a Farm, and that His father was a Farmer and His Father before Him. Smedly honestly didn’t want to be Rude as He felt guilty snapping at Senior Citizens inspect of Showing Them the Respect They Deserved. Smedly metaphorically almost Bit His Tongue in two Trying to keep His shit together. At last Smedly couldn’t stand the inane babbling of the Old Man and promptly told Him thank you for the helpful hints, and God Bless the Farmers before making a hasty exit.

           

Smedly circumvented the Store amassing His Purchases as best He could having to deal with Slow Old Ladys pushing over loaded Shopping carts full of canned Cat food, the Swarms of Aggitated Children Who’s Parents didn’t seem to give a fuck about how their kids acted especially in Public, the Idle Shoppers who stand periodically in front of the Selves staring intently at the Products as if They are expecting to Learn the meaning of Life, the Young Couples that wasted time and clogged up isles with Their over abundant displays of Affection, the Loners who walk down the isles like a Death Row Prisoner as They head to Execution, the cell phone shoppers that had to price compare every single item them purchase, the Cell Phone Zombies who come to complete standstill wherever They are and post up like a fucking a Volunteer Tree, and the Indecisive Shoppers that spend Their time taking items off the shelves only to look at it, and place it back on the shelf before removing yet another item over and over like their trapped in a fucking Loop.

The Line was occupationally long reminding Smedly of the Line at a Theme Park one of the Ones that You stand in for an Hour and a Half for a 3 minute ride. The Line inched along at a painfully slow pace which only served to irritate Smedly further. When Smedly felt He had reached full bullshit saturation (and was in real risk of creating a sense that would inevitable get Him banned for Life from the Store) He smartly asked the Young Man behind Him who was purchasing a 12 pack of PBR and a Frozen Pizza if He would hold His place in Line since He inconveniently had to Use the Bathroom which wasn’t an lie entirely. While Smedly didn’t actually need to Use the Bathroom He was headed there none the Less as the Bathroom was the only place Smedly could get a modicum of Silence and a small dose of Privacy.

           

As Smedly entered the Bathroom He became aware of some Hipster Business Man standing at the Urinal emptying His bladder while talking loudly on His Blue Tooth Ear Piece. Smedly had a special hate in His heart for Blue Tooth Ear Pieces which did serve a purpose when it came to Driver Safety outside of a Car though a Blue Tooth Ear Piece was Unnecessary and Asinine. Not only was this Guy jabbering away while using the Facilities He was waving His right arm around like a Air Traffic Controller with Wild abandon which almost lead to Him inadvertently smacking a few Shoppers as They made Their way to the Bathroom sinks. Smedly instantly judged then Man was an all around asshole, and Someone should fucking do something since this Guy obviously needed to be felt with. Smedly then accepted the fact that the person He was thinking of would have to be Him as No One else seemed to be Volunteering to do so.

Once the Bathroom was empty accept for the Two of Them Smedly slid up behind the Blue Tooth Guy and applied a chock hold that would make a Boa Constrictor Jealous. Smedly then dragged the shocked Blue Tooth Guy backwards into the Handicapped Stall. Once in the Stall Smedly frantically fidgeted with one hand to engage the Door Latch which He finally accomplished by almost breaking His wrist in the Process. Once the Door was Latched Smedly swung the Man around so He was facing the Toilet, and then pushed the Man down to His Knees still applying the Choke Hold like His life depended on it.  Then Smedly released the Choke Hold and using all of His strength and with His full weight behind it Shoved The Man’s face directly into the Toilet. The Man attempted to use His arms to keep from being slammed face first into the toilet bowl, but Smedly used His feet to stomp on the Man’s hands forcing Him to let go of the Toilet Seat.

          

To add insult to injury the Toilet had been apparently been used several times without being flushed so Once the Man’s face was submerged and He was struggling with all His Might Smedly decided to keep the MAn’s head pinned in the Toilet with His Foot to avoid the disgusting Mess. As Smedly stood there with His foot firmly planted on the back of the Man’s Head Smedly thought to Himself that the Drowning was taking longer than Usual, and that this Guy must have the Lung capacity of an Olympic Swimmer or some shit. Smedly was aware that His window of opportunity was closing as the Guy was making a great deal of noise and it was just a matter of time before another Shopper came in to vacate Their Bowels.

Smedly who had always been able to think on His feet realized what He had to do and do it fast. Smedly took His foot off on the back of the Man’s head for a split millisecond before bringing it down like a Sledge Hammer down at the Base of the Man’s Skull. The Man’s neck snapped with a loud Pop as if a Giant was cracking its knuckles, and the Mans arms dropped like a bad transmission as His body went limp. At last the Job was done and there was one less asshole in the world, well that’s how Smedly felt about in anyways. Smedly calmly Hoisted the Dead Man’s Lifeless Body up into the Seated position on the Toilet. He then pulled down the Man’s pants to sell the look that He wasn’t Dead, but using the Bathroom like any living Person. Smedly peaked out of the Stall to insure that coast os clear before exiting swiftly without making a sound like a Demon’s Whisper.

            

Smedly made His way back to His Cashier in the nick of time as He was Next in line. Smedly Thanked the Young Man for being cool enough to save His place for Him while He went to the Bathroom. The Young Man said it was no problem since it happens to everyone at least once in Their Lives. Smedly happily agreed as He paid the Cashier. With His purchases bagged up and in His Cart Smedly calmly left the Grocery Store, loaded the Groceries into His car, carefully shut the Trunk of His Car, hopped in, and Drove Off with a Smile on His Face feeling completely Stress Free.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober