Tag: Supernatural

FYB Friday Film: DEATH BED – THE BED THAT EATS!

FYB is Delighted to Present Tonight’s Movie the 1977 Surrealist Horror Film DEATH BED: THE BED THAT EATS Written, Produced, and Directed by George Barry in His Only Feature Film.

           

Plot Summery:

Long ago, a Demon fell in Love with a Woman and Conjured up a Bed on which to make love to Her. Unfortunately for the Woman She Dies During Coitus, and Devastated by Grief, the Demon Wept TEARS OF BLOOD which land on the Bed causing it to Come Alive. While the Demon Sleeps the Bed’s Evil is Safely Contained, but Once Every Ten Years the Demon Awakens from His Ancient Slumber. Once the Demon Wakes it Gives The Bed the Supernatural Power to Physically DEVOUR ITS HUMAN VICTIMS ALIVE!

Only One Man, an Artist named Aubrey Beardsley was ever Spared from The Bed’s Murderous Curse, But The Bed Condemned Beardsley to Immortality Imprisoned Helplessly behind a Painting. From His Eternal Prison behind the Painting Beardsley is Forced watch The Bed Satisfy its APPITITE FOR HUMAN FLESH Throughout Time.  Will Beardsley ever be Free? Can the Death Bead be Beaten and How? Will the Death Bed’s Curse Continue On? You’ll have to just Watch and See For Yourself. Enjoy.

           

A Few Reviews:

“Death Bed is a Horror Flick destined for some small place in the Hearts of Psychotronic Fans who already treasure such Extreme Oddities…”

-Dennis Harvey (Variety Magazine)

“Death Bed is such a True Original that you have to overlook all its faults and just go with it and enjoy this Whimsical Drug Induced Nightmare”

-Barry Meyer (Film Monthly)

” A Major Classic in the What-Were-They-Thinking School of Horror.”

-Brian J. Dillard (Allmovie)

           

“..One of the Most Disconnected and Impressive Low Budget Horror Films of All Time.”

-Joseph A. Ziemba (Bleeding Skull!)

“On the Other Hand, Death Bed Weilds a Strange and Unique Charm that kept Entrancing Me even when I was Bored Stiff. I’ll always take an Interesting Failure over some Uninspired By-The-Numbers Horror Flick.”

-Adam Tyner (DVD Talk)

“A Nightmarish Dream Existence.”

-Ain’t It Cool News

Hope You Enjoyed this Little Piece of Horrific Absurdity as Much as We Did. Goodnight and Sleep Tight.

  Presented By Les Sober

A Monday Night of Sickening Cinema: The City Of The Living Dead!!!

THE CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD is a 1980 Italian Zombie Splatter Horror Movie Directed by Lucio Fulci who also Wrote the the Screenplay, and plays Pathologist Dr. Joe Thompson in the Film. Although Fulci worked in a Wide Array of Genres as a Director, Screen Writer, Producer, and Actor over His nearly 50 Career in the Film Industry. Fulci garnered an International Cult Following for His Giallo (in the Movie Context, for Italian Audiences Giallo has come to refer to Any Kind of Murder Mystery or Horror Thriller) and Horror Movies. Due to the High Level of Visceral and Graphic Violence that present in Many of Fulci’s Films that He is Frequently Referred to as “The Godfather of Gore”, A Title Given to American Splatter Movie Gore Master Herschell Gordon Lewis.

           

The Movie was released in Italy in 1980 under the Title Paura fella cotta dei Mortifications Vivrnti  in Italy which translates to ‘Fear in the City of the Living Dead’, and was Released in the United State in 1983 the Title Twilight of the Dead, which Resulted in a Cease and Desist Order from United Film Distribution Company due to the Title’s similarity to Their Own Film, George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead. Thus the Distributer, Motion Picture Marketing, withdrew the Film and Re-Released it under the New Title The Gates of Hell.

Brief Plot Summery:

The Movie is set in the Shunned Village of Dunwich (a Tribute to H.P. Lovecraft’s The Dunwich Horror), where the Priest Father Thomas commits SUICIDE by Hanging Himself which Results in a GATEWAY TO HELL Opening, and Turning loose a Ravenous Pack of ZOMBIES OF THE DAMNED! Meanwhile during a Seance in New York, Mary Woodhouse sees Morbid and Horrific Visions of the Priest’s Suicide, and its Dire Consequences leading up to a ZOMBIE ONSLAUGHT on All Saints Day. Mary then suddenly Collapses to the Floor and Convulses then She appears to Die, Only to be Rescued from Premature Burial by the Journalist Peter Bell. The Two Travel to Dunwich to DESTROY THE GRAVE of Father Thomas in order to Stop the MASS ZOMBIE INVASION!

           

  • An Italian Newspaper La Stampa’s review of the Film “Not recommended for easily impressionable viewers.”, with a Story that grew Progressively into a “Expressive Nightmarish Atmosphere”
  • Jay Carr of the Boston Globe said “A Film Only a Diehard Necrophile could Love”
  • Dick Fleming of The Daily Times “Scenes Purely for the Sake of Shock Value”
  • Ringle wrote”Idiotic Sleaze Fest with Nothing to Offer but an Abundance of Filmed Animal Innards.”
  • AllMovie “City of the Living Dead benefits from Fulci’s ability to Create and Sustain an Intensely Creepy Atmosphere…. the Blending of Graphic Shocks and Surrealistic Atmosphere .”

Movie Quote: Mary Woodhouse “The City of the Dead. The Living Dead. A Cursed City where the Gates of Hell have been Opened.” Enjoy.

We Hope You Enjoyed this Italian Supernatural Splatter Film’s  Flesh Eating Zombie Fiasco as Much as We Did.

Thanks for Watching,

  Presented By Les Sober

FYB’s Short Horror Movie Showcase: THE SMILING MAN & DON’T MOVE

Welcome to another Installment in the FYB Short Horror Movie Showcase featuring THE SMILING MAN and DON’T MOVE!!!

THE SMILING MAN By A.J. Briones in Association with ALTER (a Company that Traffics in Short Horror Movies) is a SINISTER little Endeavor. In The Smiling Man an Innocent Young Girl watching Cartoons starts to Follow a Trail of Balloons throughout Her House. At the End of the Trail the Little Girl comes FACE TO FACE WITH PURE UNADULTERATED EVIL!! The Smiling Man’s has an Overall “The Devil’s come for Your Daughter” Tone makes it Even more Unnerving. It lends itself to the You feeling You’re watching a Powerful and Vicious Predator Luring its unsuspecting Prey into Striking Distance.

What We particularly Enjoy about The Smiling Man is it reminds Us a Great Deal of Asian Horror. Asian Horror for the Most Part Deals in Disturbingly Demented Psychological Creepiness as Opposed to an All Out Gorefest. It’s a Truly Unique Stylistic Form of Creepy that irks You to the Bone. The Smiling Man is the Kind of Creepy “Cat in Mouse” Horror Movie that leaves You feeling Uneasy, and it tends to Linger Hauntingly in Your Mind for Days after Watching. Enjoy.

DON’T MOVE By Bloody Cuts and Directed by Anthony Melton is a Throw Back to the Devious Demon Centric Horror Movie Classics from the 80’s Ouija Board and All. One of the Impressive Facts about Don’t Move is though it was made on a Very Small Budget the Movie yields High Production Value Effects and That’s No Exaggeration We Assure You. The Other Amazing thing about the Film is the Acting is Exceptionably Good. Since Acting Terrified is One of those Things that People think is Easy When that couldn’t be Farther from the Truth the Actors really Bring it Home.

The Other Aspect of Don’t Move that We particularly got a Real Kick Out Of was if Don’t Move was a Roller Coaster it Starts with/on that First Massive Plunge Down sending You straight into the Heart of the Action. From the BLOOD SPLATTERED Opening Scene Don’t Move’s Backstory has Been Told, The Deed is Done, and The Demon has Come So DON’T MOVE!

We Hope You Enjoyed Coming Eye to Eye with The Vilest Evils as Much as We Did.

Presented By Les Sober

FYB Presents a Thanksgiving Movie Terror: THANKSKILLING!

FYB is Ecstatic to Present The Black Comedy Horror Film “THANKSKILLING” Written and Directed by Jordan Downey, and Co-written by Brad Schulz, Tony Wilson, Grant Yaffee, and Kevin Stewart.

           

Plot Summery: Centuries after the Original Thanksgiving in 1621 Five Collage Students Kristen The Good Girl, Johnny The Jock, Ali the Ditz, Redneck Billy, and Nerdy Darren head Home to Spend Thanksgiving with Their Families. Unfortunately for the Students Their Car Overheats stranding Them for the Night so They decide to Camp Out till Morning. While Sitting Around the Camp Fire Darren tells the Historic Folktale of Feathercloud, A Native American SHAMAN who was Dishonored by HEDONISTIC PILGRIM Chuck Langton, One of Billy’s Ancestors. The Enraged Featherclaoud used NECROMANCY to Create TURKIE, Who is said to appear Very Five Hundred and Five Years to SLAUGHTER ALL CAUCASIANS He Encounters.

            

Meanwhile Oscar the Hermit’s Dog desecrates a Miniature Totem Pole by Urinating on it, and prematurely Releasing Turkie who He also Urinates On. An ENRAGED Turkie KILLS THE DOG which prompting Ocar to Seek REVENGE on Turkie No Matter What. By Nightfall The Students reach Their perspective Homes Johnny tries to reconnect with His Estranged Father when Turkey Attacks KILLING JOHNNY’S PARENTS, But luckily Johnny manages to Escape the SLAUGHTER. Johnny rejoins His fiends with the Exception of Ali who is off having Sex with Her Boyfriend Greg when Turkie Shows Up and MURDERS THEM IN COLD BLOOD.

After They find Ali’s Remains, the Students decide to high tale it to Kristen’s House to see if Her Father Has Any Books in His Library That Might Help Defeat Turkie. Unfortunately for Them Turkie beats them There and after Share an Awkward Snack before Turkie Slay’s Kristen’s Dad mistakes Him for a Duck.  In the Library Darren finds a Book about Turkie , and it says He CAN BE KILLED if His Magic Talisman is Removed, Yet the Rest of the passage is Written in Code. The Students try in vane to Snatch Turkie’s Talisman from Him only to Have Turkie Escape into the Night.

Darren cracks the Code of The Book Discovering that Turkie must be BURNED AT THE STAKE after a DEMONIC PRAYER is said BACKWARDS! Billy is possessed By Turkie who enters Billy’s Body only to SHOOT HIS WAY OUT. Billy dies in Darrens Arms remembering all the Good Times They had. Then Darren, Kristen, and Johnny track Turkie back to His Tipi and Say Prayer, But as They Prepare to BURN TURKIE ALIVE Turkie comes bursting Out, and is Promptly SHOT IN THE HEAD by Oscar. Oscar leaves, and the Others go to Kristen’s House UNAWARE that the Dumpster Turkies Body is in contains RADIOACTIVE WASTE which REANIMATES TURKIE!

           

Believing that Turkie is DEAD, the Surviving Teens return to Kristen’s House. When Darren ventures into the Kitchen for a Bite to Eat He runs into Turkie who RIPS Darren’s TOUNGE AND HEART OUT, and STABS Johnny with an ELECTRIC KNIFE. A Paniced Kristen Slaps Turkie before running into a House like Shack. Turkie chases Them but Kristen sets Turkie ON FIRE with an AEROSOL FLAMETHROWER, and Oscar Congratulates Her as She EATS TURKIE’S LEGS. At The End , During a Family Thanksgiving Dinner, the Cooked Turkey Springs to Life, and in Turkie’s Voice Yells,    “DO I SMELL SEQUEL, BIOTCH?!!!”

To Our Readers Have A Happy and Safe Thanksgiving.

Hope You Enjoyed This Turkey Filled Thanksgiving Terror THANKSKILLING as Much as We Did.

Thanks for Watching/Viewing,

  Presented By Les Sober

Virginia’s Most Notorious Urban Legend: The Bunnyman

The Following Newspaper Article was Published in The Washington Post on October 22, 1970.

MAN IN BUNNY SUIT SOUGHT IN FAIRFAX

“Fairfax County Police said yesterday they are looking for a Man who likes to wear a “White Bunny Rabbit Costume” and Throws Hatchets through Car Windows. Honest.

Air Force Academy Cadet Robert Bennett told the Police shortly after Midnight last Sunday He and His Fiancée were sitting in a Car in the 5400 block of Guinea Road when a Man “Dressed in a white suit with long Bunny Ears” ran from the nearby bushes and shouted: “You’re on Private Property and I have Your Tag Number.”

The “Rabbit” threw a Wooden-Handled Hatchet through the right front car window, the first-year Cadet told the Police. As soon as he threw the Hatchet, the “Rabbit” skipped off into the Night, Police said. Bennett and His Fiancee were not injured.

Police say they have the Hatchet, but no other clues in the case. They say Bennett was visiting an Uncle, who lives across the street from the spot where the car was Parked. The Cadet was in the area to attend last weekend’s Air Force-Navy Football Game.”

       

The Bunnyman is MOST often seen in Secluded Locations in Fairfax County Virginia though He has been Spotted Through Out the Entire State of Virginia. It is Believed The BUnnyman’s Primary Territory is the Area surrounding the Bridge (Known as The Bunnyman Bridge) along the W&OD Railroad Tracks. Some Say in the 1800’s 2 Mental Patients Escaped from a Near By Mental Asylum. One Patient was found a few Days Later Hanging from a Tree, the Other Patient was NEVER seen Again. Was this the Origin of the Legendary Bunnyman and if so What accounts for the Modern Day sightings in the 1970’s and 1980’s? Is it a Copy Cat or Possibly the Cursed Spirit of Bunnyman doomed to Roam the Earth wreaking Havoc on Virginia for all Eternity?! No One knows and probably NEVER will.

       

Reports of the Infamous Bunnyman first began in the 1970’s where Usually a Person in a White Bunny Costume carrying an Hatchet/Ax Scarring or Threatening Children or in some Cases Vandalizing Property.

By the 1980’s though the Bunnyman had Evolved into an Evil Entity Hell Bent on Murder who according to Most had committed SEVERAL BRUTALLY GRUESOME MURDERS Already. In one Story Bunnyman Allegedly Butchered His Entire Family before Fleeing into the Deepest, Darkest Parts of the Surrounding Forrest.

       

Brian A. Conly a Historian-Archivist working at the Fairfax County Library wrote a Summery of University of Maryland Patricia Johnson’s Paper on the Folklore of The Bunnymansimply titled “The Bunnyman” were She had interviewed 33 Locals to get Their accounts of The Bunnyman Phenomenon. Cony’s Summation is as Follows:

  • . 14 Different Geographic Locations for Bunnyman Encounters (Mostly in Virginia) are Mentioned.
  • 18 Encounters Involve The Bunnyman Chasing or Frightening People, Usually Children, with a Hatchet or Ax.
  • 14 Encounters report an Attack on a Cars.
  • 9 Witnesses/Victims claim Bunyman Attacked a Couple in a Parked Car.
  • 5 Witnesses/Victim’s accuse The Bunnyman of Vandalism on Homes or Buildings.
  • Only 3 instances Mention Murder/Murders allegedly committed by The Bunnyman.

       

So is The Bunnyman just a Eccentric Prankster? Is The Bunnyman just an ongoing Virginian Hoax? Is the Bunnyman a Blood Thirsty Murderer? Is Bunnyman an Evil  Supernatural Spirit still Roaming around in Virginia? Could Bunnyman possibly a yet Undiscovered Cryptid or could it be Bunnyman is just the Star of another Urban Legend We will mostly likely NEVER Know the Truth behind Virginia’s Illusive Bunnyman.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Questions That Allude Answers: Skinny Bob and “The Nightcrawler”

On This Installment of FYB’s Questions That Allude Answers We give You SKINNY BOB and THE NIGHTCRAWLERS!!!

Skinny BoB: The Backstory: This Video was First Posted by IVAN0135 (Who Remains a Mystery unto Himself) on the Same Day He Joined Youtube on April 13, 2011. Allegedly this Deep Web (Not Dark Web) Video shot in the 1940’s by The Russian Military on Behalf of the Russian Government. These TOP SECRET and CONFIDENTIAL Footage was Leaked by a KGB Agent, and show 1 of 3-4 Aliens who where reported to be Working/Collaborating  with The Russian Military. Since it was Originally Posted THOUSANDS of People have tried to DEBUNK the Skinny BoB Footage, And TO DATE NO ONE HAS BEEN ABLE TO PROVE THE SKINY BOB FOOTAGE IS FAKE.

   

The Nightcrawler(s): The Original Nightcrawlers Video was Posted by Jose of Fresno California in the Mid 1990’s. Jose had been having been Robbed set up Security Cameras through out His Property. What He Recorded was Far more Frightening than a Petty Burglar. Jose recored 2 Humanoid Unidentified Creatures walking through His Backyard. The Creatures were Approximately 3-4 feet tall with Extremely Long Skinny Legs and a Head (There is NO Evidence of Arms or a Torso), and Appeared to be wearing a White Cloak or Other Garment.

Jose has submitted His Footage to Television Stations and Later Soliceted Help from the Internet, but to NO AVAIL. Finally Jose’s Case Feature on the TV Show Fact Or Faked who Tried several Methods to Debunk the Footage. They Tried Using a Child, A Puttpet on a Pulley, a Puppet under a White Sheet on a Pulley, and Lastly a Crew Member walking a Puppet on a String Across the Backyard. The Results were the Jose’s Video is UNEXPLAINABLE!

       

Years Later in March 2011 an Elderly Couple living near Yosemite Park was having a Reoccurring Problem with Pesky Trespassers. So They Set up a Security System complete with Cameras, and The Trespassers They caught on Camera were Anything but Human.

Are the Nightcrawlers Paranormal Spirits?! Aliens?! Undiscovered Cryptozoological Creature?! Inter Dimensional Beingings?!

Nightcrawlers According to Native American Tribes have been on Earth for Hundreds to Thousands of Years.  They Believe Nightcrawlers as We call Them are Aliens who are on Earth to Awaken Humanity to bring around World Peace and Harmony.

Skinny BoB:

Yosemite Park and Original Fresno Nightcrawler Footage:

The Fresno Nightcrawlers:

So are Today’s Selection of Videos Real, Fake, or Just Plain Fucked Up?

You Decide.

Thanks for Reading/Viewing,

  Presented By Les Sober

Obligations, Broken Down Caravans, Piecemeal Puppetry Part 1

One day, a lady sat down by her dank and musty window. Her eyes barely remembered the landscape that stood before her. Yet yesterday she knew all the intricate shades of the kaleidoscope that stood before her. This moment of temporary insanity she tried to hold onto, but it was not something that wanted to be held. It was something she needed to let go and give back to the universe, whatever darkened and imperfect part of the universe it had come from.

Still the lady had to live today as today, not as yesterday or not as one of the forever distant tomorrows trapped within the recesses of her mind. Most of those tomorrows would never come, yet in this darkness that surrounded her, she would have been ill-fated to predict which apples were oranges, which princesses would turn into pumpkins.

On the ground nearby, she found a small piece of paper. She didn’t know how to make odds or ends of it. She sat there and stared at it. There was something about it which made her smile but since she had forgotten so much of her life, her existence, her being, she only just stuck it away in an important place.

Yet she did not have much faith in the importance of this place, so she called upon one of the other shadows that had recently crept its way forth. How was this shadow even deemed as friendly you ask? It was just a feeling, it was just something she could not explain at this given moment. Her belief in anything and everything around her had stopped but she remembered that as recently as a few days ago or a few weeks ago, there was infinite possibility.

She knew this could flower and flourish again so soon in the distance but she needed his shadow to take her into the light today. She sat down in her motorized scooter and asked for his help. They hovered off into the distance. It was as if he had crowned her with hope, dipped her in holy water, or gave her her first kiss. But she did not remember any of those things, so it was all of those things melded into one and tied with a tight double knot of innocence.

                     By SpaceDog  

Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All: PART 4

April 1st: Heading into April with the umpteenth line up (consisting of Izzy Sane on Vocals, Mitch Fury on Drums, Maxi Padd on Bass, and Davie Scum on Guitar) met for a band meeting at their manager Harold Slickmann’s Villa in France. Once the entire band was assembled at Stickman’s French Villa they had a proper high end Wine and Cheese Pairing.

During the festivities the band decided to become a Honky Tonk Hillbilly Blue Grass Band. They also unanimously to donate 75% of their earnings to Charity, and Join Green Peace to occupy the time between Tours.

Also while they were at it Malice cured Cancer, Discovered the Secret to Immorality, had a conversation with all the Various Dieties of the World, Ended War, Fought Famine in third world counties, and traveled to the center of the Universe.

(Just Kidding April Fools)

In reality the band hung out at Slickmann’s house lounging around the Pool Day Drinking, and some light Day Drugging until they all got bored and did Ambient Shooters to sleep the rest of the Day.

April 3rd: The band met up at Dinky Kitty Recording Studio’s to quickly record a new EP called “Mental Metal Meltdown” before hitting the road heading out on a 27 day 27 Shows mini Tour promoting the EP. This was Razorback Records idea.

They figured why waste time you could use making money on anything else. Leisure was an Alien Concept to them. And since Malice wasn’t scheduled for their first World Wide Tour until the May 1st Razorback came up the the Ep Mini Tour Package Concept to keep the band productive and (Financially) Prosperous. Plus they figured with a band like Malice keeping them on the shortest of leashes was best for everyone involved.

Malice knocked out the entire EP in 5 hours flat. The Ep featured the songs “Beer Belly Blues”, “The Ease of Sleaze”, “Liquor, Ladies, and Lingerie”, “Sucking Down a Six Pack”, and “PsychoCycle”.

The second side would feature 4 Songs by their opening band during their upcoming World Wide Tour in May The Assholes. The Assholes were a notoriously infamous Underground Punk-Metal band from Detroit known far and wide for their overt aggression.

April 5th: After a 48 hour hangover Malice were in Razorback Records Conference Room for a Unscheduled meeting. Slickmann entered the room accompanied by the band’s long time Lawyer TR McCoy, and took a seat at the head of the far end of the conference room’s large tacky table. A few minutes later Razorback PR Rep. Lila Lascivious entered cold and emotionless as ever her Poker Face in full play.

Lila announced that Malice’s Mini Promotional Tour shows would all be “Secret” (unannounced or promoted or advertised no doubt to save Razorback more money on overhead expenses.) Shows each would be held in an “Untraditional Location”. This could be for example in an Abandoned Factory or some shit like that, but it was all an elaborate promotional campaign by Razorback to amp up Malice’s Street Cred. with Fans, and help spread the mythos of Malice. Lila finished her presentation by informing the band that they would be given the location of the Venue 1 hour before the show starting with tonights initial show.

At 9:00 pm Slickmann received a phone call in his Hotel Room from Lilia, and was told tonights show would be housed in an Abandoned and allegedly Haunted Insane Asylum named  The Leviticus Von Trundle Asylum for The Criminally Insane.

The show was a complete fucking flop. Razorback hadn’t “Put the world out on the street” (remember this is Pre Smartphones, Pre Internet, and Pre Social Media SO word of mouth was actually physically face to face or over the phone (Landlines and Pay Phones) to work.

Their was also a great deal of misunderstanding  as to what the fuck “Mental Metal Meltdown Mini Tour” actually was. See what happened was that the expected audience of Malice fans turned out to be mainly a larger group made up of rather confused Ghost Hunters. The Ghost Hunters thought the Show was some sort of Paranormal-Con type situation so imagine their surprise to instead of finding Ghosts the found Malice rampaging through the Entire EP.

Malice was than a little pissed off by the entire catastrophe that was that nights impromptu pop up concert. They not only played to a small handful of actual Malice Fans they also avoided selling any merchandise which Malice felt was an insult to injury.

An Utterly irate Slickmann called Razorbacks PR Rep. Lila and demanded a meeting immediately first thing the following Morning. After such a shitty show Malice vanished into the night to ingest intoxicants till the Hallucinatory Cows Came Home.

April 6th: Once again Malice found them selves in Razorback Records well used conference room along with their manage Harold Slickmann, and their Lawyer TR McCoy. Lila the Razorback PR Rep. assigned to Malice entered the room a minute or two accompanied by 6 well groomed, grey haired Record Executives in very expensive suits.

As soon as Lila and her associates sat down Slickmann still quite enraged from the previous nights cluster fucking launched into conversation like a NASA Rocket. Slickmann demanded Razorback release Malice from their current contract as Malice were utterly unhappy with Razorbacks, and were seeking  new Record Label Representation.

Lila listened to Slickmann’s wild rant and then presented Razorbacks position pertaining to the matter of Malice and their freshly started mini tour. Razorback insisted the show was a travesty true, BUT was anything but intentional. Malice and Razorback up until now how been amicable, and thus Razorback refused to terminate their contract with Malice.

TR McCoy requested to speak to the Head of Razorbacks Legal Department in private. Razorback agreed and walked McCoy to the Head of their Legal Department’s office. After 20 minutes or so McCoy returned with Bernard B. Burbler in tow.

McCoy presented the compromise that he and Burbler had come up with. 1st Razorback would cancel the next 12 shows (starting with tonights scheduled show) of the tour to allow time for Fans to find out about the “Secret Show(s)”.  2nd last nights show would be a write off on both ends since arguing would waste time and produce zero results (so Malice wouldn’t be “compensated” in any way for the hassle of last nights fuckfest AND Razorback wouldn’t seek reimbursement for the shows expenses or damages or for violation of contract.) 3rd and last of all after the current Mini Tour Malice could and would be renegotiate and reevaluate  their contract Razorback to assess wether or not  Malice and Razorback could continue to work with one another.

Malice begrudgingly accepted the terms and the deal was official, but Malice wasn’t through as they felt they needed to make their mark as it were. Izzy followed by Mitch and Davie strode over to the group of Razorback Record Executives, unzipped their flies, and proceeded to piss all over the them as the ran willy nilly around the conference room table horrified. Meanwhile Maxi who had drank 2 bottles of Exlax mixed with Gin jumped up onto the conference table, and took a massive 4 Gallon Explosive Diarrhea Shit all over it.

Security was called and a fist fight broke out between the Security Guards and Malice. No one was hurt because no one could land nor throw a decent punch due to the conference room being hosed down by a excessive amount of Urine and Feces. Malice and the Security Guards alike just tried to lunge at one another (in an attempt to grab the opposing party), but they all just ended up slipping and sliding all over in the bodily fluid covered floor.

Malice finally gave up and went home with the entire band smelling like over flowing Port-A-Potties.

April 7th: To help elevate the on going tension with their Record Lable Slickmann decided to book a Luxury Get Away to St. Troy in the Caribbean for the next week. Malice arrived in St. Troy in their Private Jet around Noon, and arrived at Oasis in the Oasis Resort. Slickmann had in the name of Privacy Booked the entire Resort to elevate the stress from the Press.

The first thing Malice did once they arrived at their Suits was to call everyone they knew and invite them to what Malice had dubbed “Rock’n Resort” Mega Party. The next order of business was arranging the almost none stop flights to and from the States shuttling all of Malice’s Guests back and forth.

Here is the Summation of Malice’s Vacation (AKA Rock’n Resort Mega Party)

April 8th: Malice charters the largest Yacht they possibly could to continuously circle St. Troy for 24 hours straight. Malice had additional Guests brought out to the Yacht on Jet Skies. The raucous Party got the attention of a local amateur Pirate Crew who moved on the Yacht like Fleas to a Dog.

Once the Pirates arrived they were mistaken for Guests in themed costumes and invited on board. The Pirates being thoroughly confused as No One they had ever attacked had remained throwing a Party. After a couple of Mojito’s the Pirates thought since they were now Guests at the Party it would be rather rude to Pirate and Pillage the Yacht at this point. Thus a good time was had by all.

April 9th: Mitch Fury went surfing and was accidentally killed. From what the Authorities said based on Eye Witnesses interviews the following. Mitch was surfing a gigantic wave having the time of his fucking life when the wave caught up to him. Once the wave was on top on him Mitch was thrown in a quite elegant arch through the air directly into an awaiting Great White Shark’s Mouth. The Local Police’s closed the case labeling it a extremely rare instance of”Suicide By Shark” (Its like “Suicide by Cop” but with a Great White Shark.)

April 10th: Malice in lou of the tragic death of their drummer knew they had to keep the band going, and began flying out Auditioning Drummers. The search for the new drummer was going badly to say the least, and Malice was entertaining the idea of just using a Drum Machine. Thats when Rock Harder the legendary Drummer who had played in such bands as Arch Enema, Poisoned Ivy, The Savages, and PileDriver. Needless to say Harder was hired on the spot without every playing a single beat.

April 11th: Slickmann wanted Malice to practice as much as they could during the trip to break in Rock Harder their new Drummer. So Slickmann assumed the responsibility of dealing with Fury’s ashes. See Mitch wanted to be cremated so the band had a Tiki Hut Beach Bash were Mitch’s body had been incinerated  in  the Bon Fire. Mitch being a such an Ocean Lover Slickmann had opted to give Mitch a Burial at Sea by spreading his Ashes out in Open Water. The Boat Left the Marina at 9:37 am headed towards the Bermuda Triangle (because Slickmann thought that be pretty fucking Metal) and was never seen again.

(Above: ^Bite The Turnbuckle ^)

April 12th: To deal with the second horrible death of their trip Malice went into the rain forests of St. Troy and Drank GALLONS of Ayahuasca. Malice then walked down their was to a splendid waterfall and spent the day talking to Trees.

April 13th: Malice got a call at 5:57 am from The American Embassy in Tokyo Japan. To their utter surprise Slickmann was in fact Alive. He had been found by Commercial Fisherman just outside the right side of The Dragon’s Triangle in the Pacific Ocean. The Dragon’s Triangle is reportedly Asia’s Bermuda Triangle. The best Hypothesis the Japanese Physicists could come up with at this time based on the data they had collected was this. Slickmann had entered the Bermuda Triangle and in it accessed some sort of geographical portal that transported Slickmann half way across the Earth. Their additional ideas were just plain ridiculous.

April 14th: After a trip that included the death of their old Drummer Mitch Fury, the hiring of Fury’s replacement Rock Harder, a Bon Fire Cremation, Hallucinating in the Forrest, and the temporary and mysterious (not to mention totally unexplained) disappearance of their manager Harold Slickmann Malice was ready to get the fuck out of St. Troy. Malice boarded their private Jet and flew home to New York (the bands current resident City) on an uneventful Flight. The inflight Movie was Tommy Wiseau’s Cult Classic “The Room”.

Stayed Tuned Readers for Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All PART 5

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

Vahalla Rising: The Boy & The Bridge

The Boy stood perfectly still in the pitch black as his eyes strained to make out any detail through the omnipresent darkness. Ever so slowly the Boy’s eyes adjusted enough that he could see two long lines of light outlining some sort of Bridge stretching out into the ocean of darkness before him.

The lights were in fact torches wagging an eternal war to illuminate just a small fraction of all encompassing gloom. The Boy cautiously crept towards the edge of the Bridge shuffling his feet as if he was a institutionalized mental patient from the 1970’s doing the Thorazine Shuffle.

The Boy stopped just short of walking onto the actual Bridge itself, and found the Torches flames were burning in black and white utterly devoid of any color. The dull white of the ghostly flickering flames were all there that contrasted with the infinite night.

The Boy stood there a minute trying to remember anything about life before finding himself abducted into this Endless Abyss. The more the Boy struggled trying to force himself to remember the farther the memories seemed to dance just out of his grasp.

He had no recollection of his Mother or any family member for that matter. He couldn’t remember where he grew up, any possible friends,where he went to school, currently lived or even simply what his name was. This was horribly disorienting. The Boy’s immature mind hadn’t yet to even remotely begin to understand what was happening to him.

Seeing no other option other than to cross the Bridge in front of him the Boy cautiously lowered his foot down as he took his first step upon the mysterious Bridge. As soon as his heal planted itself the Boy heard a low variety of horrible and troubling sounds rising invisible from the Bridge itself. The Boy heard the deep growls like a rabid badger with only its next meal in mind, but there were other accompanying the aggressive growls. There were moans that resembled those of animal suffering a lingering and painful death, and above those were savage Banshee likes howling wails.

The Boy froze in a paralyzing fear as time seemed to stand still. He knew he was no match the bevy of Beasts hiding in the shadows, yet he was so scared he had become immobile like a living human statue incapable of movement. The panic set in as the Boy’s young brain began to run through countless scenarios of carnage, violence, and death at the hands  of the unseen Evils laying in wait beyond his field of vision in the ceaseless oppression of the lightless Abyss.

What the Boy saw next was the things of Nightmares so overwhelmingly ominous that they haunt the dreamer for the rest of their days until death. The deck of the Bridge started to ripple and roll as it transformed into a dark liquid sludge before the Boy’s eyes. The Boy clenched his eyes shut trying to maintain his own sanity until they burst open frantically out of fear desperately searching for viable dangerous threats.

To the Boy’s horror saw were several emaciated looking ghouls pulling themselves up out of the sludge straining to free themselves. They sinister Spirits had large empty eye sockets, and large deformed mouths that hung open displaying multiple rows of rotting teeth. The Spirits crept towards the Boy their spindly limbs outstretched like a bunch of bastardized beggars wondering the barren and empty streets as they starve. Their feeble bodies slowly wasting away ravaged by a overpowering and unsatisfied hunger.

Adrenaline flowed freely through the Boys veins like high test rocket fuel as his fight or flight principal reached a feverish pitch. The Boy felt a building power within himself that could alleviate the crippling terror that encased him to make a run for it. Where he ran was of no concern as long as it was away from the frightful Fiend’s as their gray skin stretched precariously across their skeletal frames as their twisted gnarled limbs contorting as they groped the air with their long, thin spectral fingers, and clawed at the foreboding sludge that now comprised the Bridge’s deck.

The Boy turned to run he looked back to see how far a ways behind him were the evil entities, and saw something standing behind the gaggle of Ghouls that terrified him to the point he involuntary lost control of his bladder. As the warm stream of urine ran down his legs the Boy couldn’t take his eyes off of what loomed behind the ghastly Ghouls like an executioner about to bring his Ax down upon the neck of the guilty. The creature standing behind the grizzly Ghouls was a Tall human like form with a height of at least 7 feet tall, yet it had no discernible features thus resembling more of a shadow than any mortal man.

The Shadow Man strode through the gang of Ghouls with no opposition or resistance as he made his way to the front of them. Once The Shadow Man reached a several feet in front of the gangly Ghouls he immediately blocked their path by blocking the way off the Bridge.

Next he knelt down on one knee and plunged his hands deep into his torso. After a minute The Shadow Man pulled his hands out from with in his chest, and in them he held a small variety of colorfully decorated bowls. In each bowl there was some money, a piece or two of fruit, a tiny bit of tobacco, and several sticks of lit incense. The Shadow Man then proceeded to set the bowls down upon the Bridge’s deck spreading them out over approximately a yard or so before returning to a standing position once again.

To the Boy’s amazement as each of the abominations reached the end of the Bridge they each gravitated towards one of the bowls that the Shadow Man had laid down. The monstrous specters picked up each one of the bowls and carried it in their hands with their freakish fingers wrapped around it like mutated tree roots. Once the ghastly Ghoul had a bowl in their possession they crawled, slithered or dragged themselves  back onto the Bridge sinking back into the sickening Sludge. When the last of the gruesome Ghouls had descended from view succumbing to the Sludge the Bridge’s deck re-solidified instantly.

The Shadow Man walked purposefully over to the Boy. He then leaned down and whispered hoarsely

“Always be sure to put out an offering to feed The Hungry Ghosts”

Look For Valhalla Rising : The Boy and The Shadow Man COMING SOON.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober  

T.R. McCoy The Man, The Myth, The Monster

The following newspaper article was published in the Podunk County Chronicle on December 9th 1913 on the 25th anniversary of T.R. McCoy’s disappearance.

T.R.McCoy was one of the most controversial figures in American history that you’ve never heard of. T.R. McCoy was an anthropologists, successful sociologist, and the pioneering founder of the scientific field of cryptozoology, who one cold winter night after leaving a fundraiser for his next expedition (to the tropical islands in the Arctic Circle) heavily drunk and aggravated, vanished leaving only his left black leather glove upon the stair of the Naturalist Park on December 9th, 1888.

During his prolific and troubled carrier T.R.McCoy won several Nobel prizes for pioneering the field of cryptozoology in 1818, and for advancements in the field of sociology (in 1817, 1821 and 1833)

T.R.McCoy also had a plethora of criminal court cases for example the multiple charges of exploitation and detriment to the indigenous tribes people he studied. Once T.R.McCoy disappeared from the face of the earth; the flood gates for conspiracy theorists were opened. People formulated theories such as: The Vatican had him assassinated. Could it have been, that one of his 17 ex-wives/mistresses killed him in a crime of passion unable to tolerate his penchant for womanizing? Was it that T.R.McCoy faked his own death to escape from public controversy and legal prosecution? Did McCoy run off to one of his exotic locations and was eaten by vengeful cannibals whose ancestors McCoy swindled into becoming cheap slave labor.  Others hypothesized McCoy fell victim to a revenge bent supernatural specter from beyond the grave seeking retribution. Some said it was an alien abduction, but at the same time others wondered if McCoy himself was in fact an alien or perhaps a human-alien hybrid. Some in the general community believe McCoy, through his advanced knowledge of physics and the time space continuum, opened a portal to escape the chaos of his career and the turmoils of his personal life by entering another unknown dimension. Some other people think McCoy was employed by a government agency working on top secret project (McCoy was working with the military but the all the files are still to this day remain classified) and simply knew to much so he was effectively “Taken Out”
The more likely reality is that a fellow competitor (and there were plenty) murdered him out of jealously or retribution for McCoy destroying their careers, as he was known to do if for any reason big or small if he disliked you. More probable causes for McCoy’s disappearance also include being killed by a nefarious person from the criminal underworld due to an outstanding gambling debt. McCoy was a notorious gambler who would bet on anything just to make a wager. McCoy could have just as easily dropped his glove as he staggered down the park stairs intoxicated (as his penchant for drink was legendary), stumbled off into the park, and accidentally fell into the Elli river that runs through the park.
No body was ever found even after an extensive 93 day search. In the end we can only speculate and must be ready to acknowledge the fact that the world may never know what really happened to T.R.McCoy the man, the myth, the monster.