Tag: text messages

Textpocalypse 2021: SQUATTERS

I’ve said it once and I shall say it again I am a Life Long Fan of Absurdity. I suppose that’s Why I love Shows like Trigger Happy T.V., The Eric Andre Show, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Little Britton. I appreciate the Fact that not Only its Absurdity Wildly Entertaining in My Opinion but it’s Also Flexible. There is the More Commonly Embraced Out Right Absurdity, and as an Example I will Use a Text I sent on Our Family Text Chain on Friday September 17th at 3:02 pm:

“Fun Fact Friday: Neanderthals discovered Time Travel. It’s a Tragedy that They do Not receive the Immense Amount of Credit They Deserve for Their Amazing Discoveries in Time-Space Travel. The Root of Reason for this is Neanderthals were Considered to be “Primitive Man” by Archeologists when that couldn’t be Farther from the Truth. This lead to Their Dismissal of the Neanderthals’s Cave Paintings Chronicling Their Research as “Just more Cave Doodles”. Now a Consideration that One must take into Account is that in all Due Favor ironically the aforementioned Archeologists were a Tad Distracted. They were rather Preoccupied with Practicing Their Bullwhip Skills, and Not Being Crushed by Large Dislodged Boulders.”

                   

This by Anyone’s Standards is Quite Obviously Not even Close to being True and that Fact is Blatantly Obvious to All. Now Absurdity Doesn’t have to be Cartoonish, Over the Top Gonzo, In Your Face, or Manic in its Approach. Absurdity can be Subtle as Hell. The Best way I can Explain it is I Wholeheartedly Believe that You can Say Anything (I mean the Craziest Shit You can Possibly Think of to Say), and as Long as You can Say it with a Straight Face and Conviction You create a Reasonable Doubt. That’s to Say the Person will tell Themselves that You were so Obviously Joking because No Way could Anyone be Serious about such an Absurd Statement. That’s when the Reasonable Doubt Starts to set in, and They Start to Subtly Second Guess Themselves. The More They Doubt the More They can’t Write the Whole Conversation Off as a Joke or One’s Odd Sense of Humor.

         

A Real Life Example of this Type of Subtle Absurdity that Rails through the Halls of Reason happened to Me the Other Day. It was 10:20 pm and I had a Free moment and found Myself thinking of Weird, Yet Unoffensive Shit to Post on My Family’s Ongoing Text Chain, and Finally decided to go with an Absurd Meme. What Happened Next was a Humorously Confused Text Exchange between Myself, My Mom, and My Aunt. Now At First I assume My Aunt Knew I was Kidding Around, but once My Mom entered the Conversation My Aunt seemed to get Confused as to what is Actually going on. As You will See even though I kept the Whole thing Going I did Start Responding with Absurder Shit Each Time. I was thinking that at Some unseen Level of Absurdity They’d Understand I was just fucking around, and the Outcome was Not what I Expected.

Here is the Aforementioned  Text Exchange:

Me: 

My Aunt: Uh oh!

Me: Dang Squatters got in the Walls Again.

My Aunt: Oops!!

My Mother: Mice! But I am getting them with the Green Bait Balls!!

Me: Excellent what works on Wall Squatters living in One’s Walls? I called Terminex, but when it comes to Pests They don’t cover Wall Dwelling Squatters. I’m going to check Reddit for possible solutions.

  (8 Minutes Later)  

Me: Well Reddit is a Total Bust. All I found was Information Pertaining to One’s Walls being inhabited by Wayward Hobos.

My Mom: If you get rid of pests in the house, you  are likely you are likely to handle those in the walls, also at the same time. Also a good pest control company should be able to check your house over thoroughly and close any openings that might be allowing entrance to birds, mice, squirrels, or other varmints…

Me: That’s Good Advice the thing that Baffles me is I may Not be the Most Observant Person, I’d like to Think I could Spot an Opening the Size of an Devious Adult Squatter. I have a Sneaking suspicion the Specific Wall Squatters are in fact Tunneling in like Mole People. Does anyone know a Good Company that can check House Foundations since if the Conniving Squatters are in fact Tunneling in to Access the Walls the Foundation Integrity may be Compromised. Also on a similar Note I’m pretty sure My Home Insurance Doesn’t cover this sort of Thing.

                   

My Aunt: No, Les, I am sure that insurance will not cover it and you are correct, they will most definitely have an impact on the integrity of the foundation if not treated…We have that problem here in Atlanta…Let me see if I can find the thread from the area and see if I can tell you who they called and what they did.

My Mom: I use Terminex, Les. I have a contract with them. They treat all pests and insects, not just termites, but you might want to check if you call to make sure they cover exclusion of squirrels, mice, bats, etc. I have had good experience with the local one. In the meantime, Les, go to the Farm Center and get some of those green balls- Ramik baits. Put a couple in a bottle lid or something under the kitchen sink in a cabinet that stays shut so your pets don’t have access. If they disappear overnight that means mice are getting them- and they go out out of the house and died. I find them very effective.

My Aunt: Crocodile Dave seems to be the one that they love here, but it seems that most of the termite companies now treat wildlife intrusion also..and try what your mom suggested, too, because according to the thread, it can be expensive..Good luck!

                   

TEXTED THE FOLLOWING MORNING:

Me: To Whom It May Concern: Last Night I had a couple of Beers and was boded so I scrolled through My Pictures on my Phone. When I saw the Absurd Meme I thought it would be funny to post here. Then I decided it be far funnier if I claimed ACTUAL Homeless People were Squatting in the Walls, thus following the Theme of the Meme. Apparently Some became confused and under the impression and thought I was eloquently describing Mice. There are No Mice or Other Pests. We have been using Terminex for 4 years and still do.

My Aunt: Well, thank goodness. I just have real estate brain, so any mention of foundation issues and my antenna goes up..glad it’s not for real!!

My Mom: Yes, you did confuse us, LES! Good to get your reassurance!

 

Thanks For Reading,

 By Les Sober 

2 Lunatic’s Late Night Text-A-Rama

Here We go with another behind the scenes glimpse into the Late night conversations via text between SpaceDog and Myself. This Late Night Lunacy leads to numerous Ideas for both Posts and for the Blog in General.

That and Neither of Us can afford a Mental Health Professional aka a Shrink.

And Here We Go:

 It all started when I texted this Pic to SpaceDog.

 

SpaceDog: Is this some kind of penis brainteaser? So apparently there are sneakers now with LCDs in the tongue that can play music videos on a loop.

Les: I found the Pic on some egotistical Art Gallery’s bullshit Website. Holy Shit fuck Air Jordan’s. I’d loop a Musical Porn Montages and play that shit everywhere I go.

+SpaceDog then Texts me a Link for further clarification barstoolsports.com+

Les: Life Beyond Beer Pong?! Lmfao Good game all around.

SpaceDog: I was gonna write an article saying how much i hated Pedro guy from Real World because it was the anniversary of his death, and everyone said nice shit and i literally hated him so much i never watched the show again after.

Les: Ha. Sounds like you should, fuck everyone else’s bullshit.

SpaceDog: I want to actually get people angry though to bring traffic to blog……

Les: Not a bad tactic and a great idea I’m all for pissing people off. The more the merrier. All that shit aside more traffic is what we could use bout now. Where the fuck did all the niche dwellers fuck off too?!!

SpaceDog: My head is so motivated for weeks but my body feels dopesick. At one point I didn’t jack off for 10 days. I honestly think that is the longest I’ve ever gone since like i was 14 before i even knew what my dick was.

Les: 10 days goddamn, Thats really crazy, funny, and true statement.

SpaceDog: Well actually maybe when i was on dope, but that was only because i was fucking my dude in various fats food bathrooms (and woods, us gays do love sex in the woods.)

Les: Its hard to jerk off when you keep nodding off every 5 minutes. The Old banging in Bathrooms an American Sex Classic. Having a Woody in the Woods. Shit that sounds like a gay porn title.

SpaceDog: The sounds of autumn…rancid sperm hitting decaying leaves.

Les: Holy Shit! Lmfao!

SpaceDog: The dead sperm inspired me, new blog Lmfao

Les: DEAD SPERM is My new favorite Band.

SpaceDog: If u can guess what it is about….you win 5 bucks paypal.

Les: My new saying “When faced with Writer’s Block remember dead sperm inspires. $5 for My Ferrari GoFundMe. Hmmm…

SpaceDog: Dead sperm and the smegma seven…i want a big band like George Clinton and The Funkadelics or Arrested Development.

Les: Smegma Seven, whats that a porno remake of The Magnificent Seven which was the American Western remake of 7 Samurais?! Awesome.

SpaceDog: Damn i saw your 3rd fucks. Was it cathartic for you like taking a giant shit. If i could have miracle coffee (or Adderall) right i would seriously put all your fucks in there to see if i could come up with the missing fucks.

Les: Its fucking weird I just think of a couple things I’m all Fuck That, and then its like fucking Autopilot the fucks just start to flow. Honestly there might be a Part 4. Who Knows. Thats why this one was titled “F List Continues Baffling Its Creator” which is nothing but the fucking truth. Or perhaps Adderall in your coffee. That be truly awesome if you could/did. Shit I wouldn’t personally it be too much even for me. Saw your Tweet Very Cool.

SpaceDog: The one from 10 seconds ago or the rambling list of musicians that will never play together. I think if i had like 19 pieces of paper i could do it. Oh wait it’s 2018 we have computers.

les: The on that started “There’s a lot of  shit on f-yourblog.com Lmfao. Then you wrote something about healing yourself with music. True these damned Digital Type Writers are rather amazing.

 I then texted this picture to SpaceDog

SpaceDog: U made that? Thats filthy.

Les: Unfortunately not. I saw it and it did remind me of some of My shit which is why I get a real kick out of it. When I look at it it makes Me laugh like a motherfucker.

SpaceDog: I need to find a good dick pic for u. I owe u like 20 penii

Les: I uploaded it today to the Blog for future use Lmfao.

SpaceDog: D***

Les: At least 20. D***?

SpaceDog: So the autocorrect suggests dick and 1000 things way worse. Yet when i do the talk to text it censors me.

+SpaceDog texted Me the Mushroom Emoji followed by The Egg Plant.+

Les: Thats SO FUCKED, it fucking censored you thats fucking balls. Your on Shrooms and have an Erection?!

SpaceDog: I couldn’t find tiny hands that mighta worked.

Les: For What?! Some sort of Pedophile Emoji Code, I’m Lost.

+I then texted SpaceDog the New Bizarre Smiley Face Emoji+

SpaceDog: Idk I’m just still frustrated i don’t think theres an emoji for anal.

Les: WTF is this New Emoji supposed to fucking represent exactly?! I can’t believe no one has put out X Rated Emojis yet for fucks Sake or Weed Ones either. Its a Life Alert Emoji it means Help me I’m having a fucking Stroke! It could be what an Emoji looks like when it cums.

SpaceDog: Omg the new life alert commercial is funny as shit. Im gonna look for a dirty emoji APK right now.

Les: Motherfucking Life Alert, Can’t say the classic tag line its fucking Trademarked now even though they don’t use it in their ads anymore. Good for You happy hunting.

SpaceDog: Im down i don’t need it to find accounts on mu device and modify my sd card for the sake of a few titties.

Les: Yeah fuck all that Bullshittery. I wouldn’t bother either fuck and that.

SpaceDog: Apks are great let u bypass the store on android but idk how the fuck to fix my phone….Wow i found a porno sounding chick on Spotify…the first 8-12 seconds are passable but now my ears might be bleeding.

Les: Ah Ha! A fucking Loophole.

SpaceDog: I almost don’t want to link it until u piss me off somehow.

Les: Her musica gota real porno vibe that fucking funny. Good to be prepared I suppose.

SpaceDog:Well she’s in the bed according to the lyrics and fuck me is a lyric. Sounds like the equivalent of a dj scratching a record but it sounds more like chalk on a blackboard.

Les: My username on Spotify is !@#$%^&*()_+ figured that shit out. That’s about it so fucking far.

SpaceDog: I guess this chick cancels out Maggie Rogers, i don’t think i have seen an authentic hippie chick with talent ever (at least not a millennial one)

Les: Me either. Who is Maggie Rogers?!

SpaceDog: Lights on…..shes some chick sol discovered. I almost dropped my were when i first was listening cuz i expected it to be trash. She has a bit of a stevie nicks vibe but looks more like a pretty, less skank, stoned janis Joplin.

Les:Damn gotta be damn decent to make a man drop his weed. Nice combo more power to her.

SpaceDog: Haha oh look bohemian rhapsody is charting for the 190 millionth different decade.

Les: 37 new Fucks to be listed now. Bohemian Rhapsody WILL NEVER DIE! Just like fucking Stairway To Heaven or Areosmith’s Dream On.

SpaceDog: Fuck Spotify for making me add 60 new artists i like overtime i listen more than 3hrs at once…theres 38.

Les: Some shit lingers like a stale fart. 38 it is. Spotify has that fucking effect.

SpaceDog: Remember when we used to actually have to talk to other people for bands or actually go to shows or have some dickhead at record exchange push some bullshit.

Les: Oh fuck yeah I remember the pre tech music World.

SpaceDog: I do just not the brief period between the end of napster and the beginning of youtube. I was way too fucking high.

Les: The Assholes at the Record Exchange were a bunch of pompous ass condescending cunts. I think we’re in the same boat with being high and timelines.

SpaceDog: All I remember about then was avril lavigne. I really think that was like 1 of every 3 songs played on the radio for those years or maybe she used to make me nod out…she kinda looked like a teenager junkie.

Les: Avril Motherfucking Lavigne. Radio replay rotations killed Radio. She was the original Tween Musical Artist.

SpaceDog: Yeah theres like 2 tolerable stations here. The rest cause me suicide watch.

Les: The only Radio listen too is in My Wife’s car which has Satellite Radio which cursing and lack of commercials aside rally isn’t a hell of a lot better than regular Radio. I haven’t been able to find a Rock Station in over 10 fucking years for crying out fucking loud. Cunty Country Music Awards.

SpaceDog: The one station is still alive believe it or not here. WMMR. Pierre Robert still there too. She has the one lyric “I don’t know who you are but I’m with you.” I made out in the back seat with some stranger lady twice my age because it fit the lyrics.

Les: holy fuck stick, WMMR is still around good for them. Pierre Robert has to be 150 by now goddamn. You were on When Cougar Attack!!

SpaceDog: I’ve had several. LOL

Les: That lyric nowadays sound like the average Trump Supporters. Blind Ignorant Lemming Twats that they are. Several?! DAMN you’ve been on fucking Safari and shit.

SpaceDog: This one was consent at least. I had some midget lady who looked like the one in kindergarten cop try to follow blow me. Except i was passed out in a chair LOL

Les: A real fucking legit midgit?! Thats like trying to play Pool with a Limp Rope.

Les: where there any Senior Citizen Sluts?! After the midget I fucking have to ask. Poor Little Lady was denied the dick.

SpaceDog: She was like 50 LOL, there were a senior slut who blacked out, fucked some guy she had no clue of, and left her teeth there.

Les: LMFAO!! She fucking left her fucking teeth there, well good news id I hear gum jobs are amazing. I accidentally fucked a 89 year old woman once. She got confused and wondered into the MEn’s room at the fucking Mall when I was jerking off in one of the stalls. Anyway She busted in on me, thought I was they Bathroom Attendant,dropped Her drawers, and sat down to use the Toilet. I freaked the fuck out and started yelling at Her, but She was weak as shit so She’d try to stand the hell up only to fall back down on my dick. Worst part of it all was She pissed all over my balls. LMFAO (is that wrong?!) Fuck the American Pie pussies I have that gross humor that will make People actually dry heave.

SpaceDog: Thats funny as fuck. That type of comment exactly makes me wish that old people comedy with david allan grier and wiki lawrence was on anything but network tv.

Les: Just some weird imagery that popped into My fucking head the rest wrote itself. The pissing on My balls makes Me laugh like hell not sure why.

+My phone rings and its SPaceDog but it rang once and stopped+

SpaceDog: Sry idk how that happened. Yeah thats when it got my tbh.

Les: That’s cool, I can’t talk on the phone which pisses Me off to no end, but My Wife is sleeping and on Puppy Duty. And with these insanely high as wannabe Cathedral ceiling We got here its goddamn impossible to avoid an echo of some sort which ironically also pisses Me Off when I’m on the Phone most of the fucking time anyway.

SpaceDog: It (his phone) thought the couch was my head.

Les: It’s a Short Bus SmartPhone.

SpaceDog: I guess i had my ass there and it was warm and it thought it was my face.

Les: Well they’re called Ass Cheeks so….

SpaceDog: OK now Im legit putting my phone on my ass to see what happens. Oops i have no ass…no call. Not even bare ass cheek works…it only likes hot ass.

Les: Awesome, all in the name of SCIENCE! Shit I figure Bare Ass would have worked.What about if you put it under your balls?! Just drape those bitches on the phone. Might work.

SpaceDog: Yeah maybe if i wasn’t on my stomach laying down my ass would more resemble a face cheek. How about in my rectum, then if i don’t text u back but only send you back repeated emojis u do the same for me since my phone is on vibrate? Thanks.

Les: Just type by squeezing Your Ass Cheeks together like some fucked up Morse Code. Sure if it works I got your back. Do the Emojis have to make sense because if they’re just random I’ll be honest I might cheat and stick it in My Dog’s ass.

SpaceDog: Ok so i really thought it would if i stuck it off to the side of my ball sack but neither side worked.

Les: GODDAMNIT! Oh well Phone wins. All that’s left is to try Tainting it. Not sure how that would work though.

SpaceDog: Yeah now that i am rubbing myself down with the phone like it’s a metal detector wand i think the show is over.

Les: I’m so fucking Posting this tomorrow. Like a fucking Metal Detector LMFAO Brilliant.

SpaceDog: I went in from the back on the taint. And it made my font big like i have a fucking jitterbug and am 90.

Les: Did it work and if not try doing it again in reverse this time.

SpaceDog: And it keeps telling me voice input is unavailable.

Les: It enlarged the font, that’s fucking insanely amusing.

SpaceDog: I gotta hit the front bar.

Les: Voice Input Unavailable BOO to that BULLSHIT.

SpaceDog: Ok i did the back again. I almost taint dialed someone.

Les: Getting Closer, Progress is being made. If it works and someone answers just scream “TALK TO MY TAINT” and hang the fuck up,

SpaceDog: Pits

Les: That works I suppose as well.

SpaceDog: Pits not active…..the smelly one nor the distinguished one. Anywhere else?

Les: No I’m pretty sure I’m out of ideas at this point. The Genitals were really my Wheel House. Lmfao.

SpaceDog: Yeah my taint is a lot more talkative then i would have thought, and blind.

Les: Blind I would expect, a talkative Taint indeed.

SpaceDog: Oooooh I’m a fat fuck imma try side boob.

Les: The Taint Factor Winner for 2018 is Gus Gifferson with a Record breaking 10 inch Taint.

Spacedog: Q9q SP.p .o

Les: Side Boob CLASSIC. Q9q. Sp.p .o I believe it’s ALIVE!

SpaceDog: The first was the right boob. the app was the left. Left boob also is blind. Font big again.

Les: Interesting. So the enlarged font is reoccurring you say. So Your saying Your right Boob can see?! As if instead of a nipple You grew a fucking eyeball? Still worked blind or not.

SpaceDog: I wish you and your wife were here i was gonna have her test it with her lady parts but then i realized my dan is on this phone and if she stuck it in her after me that might be 9th degree rape in some states. Why Stop?

Les: Valid point I don’t need a 9th degree Rape Baby on My hands thank you.

SpaceDog: That was my mid chest then me saying what and stop because my tv went to steve harvey and i hate that guy.

Les: NEVER SHALL WE STOP!

SpaceDog My phone is strictly dicktly anywhere after tonight.

Les:I know You added him to the second Fucks list. Strictly Dicktly?!

SpaceDog: Yeah bad memory some queen used to say that in the 90’s. I always wanted to punch him.

Les: Don’t fucking blame You there I would have too. I’d say pondering sticking My phone in a Kangaroo’s pouch to see if it works accept I’d end up arrested and charged with molesting a fucking Kangaroo or some goddamn thing like that.

SpaceDog: As long as i didn’t have to stick it in a joey.

Les: LMFAO! Crackhead Man Whore Junkies Need Not Apply.

SpaceDog: I meant the baby kangaroo but I’ve been joey free since those ten guys in my 20’s who kinda had no name.

Les: I mean we could shove the phone into some Junkies access they got from shooting up so much shit and see if that works. I know what You meant No Worries I just saw an opening so I took it. The Nameless 10.

SpaceDog: I will stick it halfway in tomorrow at some point. I need to prepare for that and I Zombie. SpaceDog and the 10 ancient queers of the earth. The short form is 9 Blackouts and a broken toilet.

Les: LMFAO EXCELLENT. !0 Ancient Queers, Short Form, I Zombie.

That Ended That Night Transmission.

Brought to You By,

 SpaceDog & Les Sober   

Textonics : Another Peak Behind The Curtin of Absurdity

Yes you guessed it here is another text conversation between SpaceDog and Yours Truly discussing doing a joint post using a technique known as “Bible Dipping” (want to know wtf that is then wait for the post or just Goggle the fuck out of it.

Without Further Adu TEXTONICS!

SpaceDog: Yeah kind of funny how the hospital is like the top place to catch shit. They should have a separate entrance for sick people at the hospital and clean them up in one of those chambers like they do in the movies. True True. Do you possess one or both bibles? I think i have a new testament around here somewhere but generally speaking that shit is way too cheerful.

Les: Fuck yeah a decontamination shower. I actually have a few versions of the bible ironically. Thats because people (even me believe that shit or not) get weirded out by ditching a bible even if they donate it to like fucking Good Will or some shit like that. I have a biblical text thats a whole bible dedicated to Revelations. Really grim shit. We should definitely use it for the Devil’s end of the Q&A.

SpaceDog: Speaking of Satan, they brought back sabrina the teenage witch and she’s satanic now. lol. Oh yeah thats like grizzly new T. i was thinking of psalms they are all cheery i read them like 20 times when i was in jail.

Les: Holy Shit I saw that shit on Netflix’s New Line Up and thought of the old original show, BUT I had no fucking idea that Sabrina had gone Satanic. I mean Sabrina was on fucking Nickelodeon for fucks sake. So how do you go from a Kids Network to Being Sabrina and Satan she being all down with the Devil. PSALMS READ IN JAIL! Fucking Fabulous. Just read your latest posts and I have to say they are rather Awesome. Very cool indeed.

SpaceDog: Haha thanks i have to finish part 2 later tonight before i forget what the hell i was talking about.

Les: Hear you there. I have a few  backlogged posts but had to have surgery number fucking 2 for this year so I was sore as shit and whacked out on a combo of Pot and Percocet. Come to think of it I wish I could have written then because that shit would be far fucking out.

SpaceDog: Damn what surgery u have? It Help?

Les: One of My asshole Doctors wanted an insurance policy since I have a bum ticker. So 2 weeks ago I had a Out Patient Procedure done at this Hospital thats Great accept I fucking despise it like taxes. I hope the surgery helps since the procedure was done in case as my Doctor put it “You try and Die on Us again.” So my shoulder was all jacked the fuck up felt like a tried to tackle an 18 wheeler. Lmfao.

SpaceDog: Well thats good my grandfather had that shit done and was right for as long as i can remember so like 30 years maybe? I tried to have surgery but my Doctor talked me out of it. Have something going on with my neck/shoulder area. I forget what the hell she called it.

Les: Damn a Doctor who doesn’t recommend surgery??? Now thats fucking Crazy as Shit.

SpaceDog: She said the scar would be worse. Idk will reevaluate after i drop weight and find myself staring at myself in the mirrors and not avoiding them like the plague.

Les: Reevaluating is always a good fucking idea, I mean thats what second opinions are made of. I need to drop weight myself. Doing good but then there was the Italy deal and then the Surgical Procedure. I need to get the fuck going again and all that happy horse shit.

SpaceDog: The guy currently dating brittany spears dropped 100 lbs in 6 months by doing 2 hours at the gym every morning. Im not exactly sure what i would do there for 2 hours. Even if i stretch out cardio and weight lifting i can only hit 80-90 minutes. What bout the other 30? Free Handjobs? Fake tanning bed? Arguing with the desk staff about something completely irrelevant? The arguing one is always fun especially when you intend to make zero sense.

Les: Brittany Spears is still relevant?! Yeah a 2 hour block in a fucking gym is a stretch but thats why they have personal fucking trainers I suppose. Arguing nonsense is AWESOME and a GREAT past time/ hobby too. Dunno about the extra 30 minutes time killer-filler but you got some good ideas. There a gym in the next town 8 miles down the road. Its a prefab building that houses you basic gym equipment, no contracts, no pressure, no trendy juice bar, no mirrored walls, no TVs, and no staff at all. Fucking Love It. They give you a key once you track down the owner and then you can go anytime you want as much as you want. You just let yourself in whenever ya wanna hump iron.

SpaceDog: Sounds like the old gym i belonged to. It was 24 hrs had a key card, i think the staff left at 6 pm something crazy early. Had to drop that shit because they decided that when they left they would shut off the air conditioning off also. Urge Fitness i guess as in i have to urge to murder these assholes. Owner must be some road head likes to cuss people out in their yelp reviews which is why i review shit anonymously. Cuz i only review some nasty shit. Lol. Like your fucks. I agree sarah Sanders deserves 2 separate fucks. Also i have 3 to add: Fuck Steve Harvey. FUCK BIXBY. FUCK CORTANA. ( those are the rip roaring shitting alexis/siri clones on samsung and windows respectively. Bit/Cortana compared to alexis/siri is like sleazy hollow vs the ritz carlton. Im going to bed i think i will survive one more day without finishing blog. Here’s something to keep u busy. U have to enter for the Mama Mia socks i did lmfao.

Les: They cut the AC thats some real bullshit there the douche bags. Urge is for Assholes LMFBO! Roid Rage the Struggle is REAL. Steroids shrink your balls and gives you bitch tits. I can add the additional fucks tomorrow just gotta edit them in there. Double Fuck(ed). Come to think I may just use your fucks to start off a Part 2. LMFAOMFRS!

***Thats all for this time around kiddies.***

Thanks for Reading

,   Les Sober and SpaceDog 

Textpocalypse

More middle of the night synaptic storms rolling through the maze like minds of SpaceDog and Myself. Here is the abominable textversation that took place while the rest of the World Slept.

Enjoy.

(If you Read Further You May Have to EAT your own ASS to Survive.)

SpcaeDog: I wanted to ask you about sports bets but im clearly not being too persistent since you dont like sports

Les: Hey let me hit you up in a few. At post office trying to get my passassport updated and shit. Taking waaaaay too long in my opinion. I find Sports betting very interesting.

SpaceDog: Look at u ihop hooker I will be ur bookie lmfao

+SpaceDog texts me a picture on images.google of a Tennis Player who ass he is a fan of, and was wondering if I or my Wife had 2 cents to add. I said if I had an ass like that I’d be better at soccer. My Wife is not an “Ass Person” we were informed.+

+I sent back a Screen Shot I took of Twitter’s fucking Template Warning that my account had been locked, and because I “exhibited unusual behavior that violates Twitter Rules……”+

+I then sent a picture of Alex “Asshole” Jones because while all other social media platforms (i.e. FaceBook, Apple etc) banned Alex and his bullshit Infowhores Show (for promoting hate, encouraging violence, promoting fake news, spreading conspiracies like Sandy Hook was a Hoax and the Kids weren’t victim’s they were paid child actors) Twitter refused at that point to Ban Jones.

Ironically since then Twitter has banned Jones from Twitter and Periscope which it owns, ONLY AFTER ALEX HARASSED THE HOLY LOVING SHIT out of  Twitter’s CEO Jack Dorsey outside of the Senate Hearing  proceedings screaming shit like the mental patient he is about whatever bullshit was on his deranged mind.+

Fuck Alex “The Asshole Jerk Off” Jones, BACK TO THE MAFUCKIN TWEETS!

SpaceDog: Here’s a song for you! My My My! by Troyne Sivian. (SD then texted a Spotify Link to the song) Mac Miller died omg

Les: So did Burt Reynolds any relation to Ryan?! Who’s Mac Miller? Charging Landline, cell is cutting in and out like a bitch.

SpaceDog: Mac Miller omg lol there was gonna be a link but yolo lol

Les: I have all of his albums downloaded on my Spotify Account. 26.

SpaceDog: Yo i need to ask u who just drove me around here lol

Les: Yo Shorty yo knows who dat

SpaceDog: U knows my piece

Les: I been break dancing old school 80’s as a tribute to Mac Miller

SpaceDog: U know it might not be that bad. you were the best i ever had

Les: The Wallflowers yeah?

SpaceDog: Lmfao good man

Les: JACOB “SPERM OF BOB” DILLIAN (Dylan?) Whatever.

SPaceDog: Sperm of the last rock n roll mouth that had a good cock come out. Call job away.

+SpaceDog then texts me a picture of Frosty The Snowman sitting on a couch watching porn, and jerking off. It said “Dreaming of a White Christmas”+

+I then texted SpaceDog This: +

SpaceDog: Sry I hit wrong hate.

+I responded by sending SpaceDog a GIF of an Old Pissed Off Cartoon Man, Naked, Partially Flying-Partially Humping his way through Space with a Pop Tart covering his Junk and a Rainbow Shooting Continuously Shooting out of his ass.+

(NOTE TO READER: Earlier on in the evening during a phone call with SpaceDog I had mentioned some weird shit about when I turn 80 I’m going to automatically Gay.)

Les: Me at 80 and Gay as FUCK.

SpaceDog: Lol holy shit shit

Les: I had to buy this shit called Itchibon Ball Baum cuz I was shitting in the Woods, and my Ball Bag rubbed up against some poison Oak. Greeeeaaaaseeeeyyyy.

SpaceDog: Xid rt y. Urdy. Dirty Birdy lol.  Id love to write an f-yourblog about racial bullshit but idc because he white and been dead to me for 10 yeses.

Les: So fucking what about it? I’m confused as fuck currently. When I was shitting in the Woods a Group of Ticks crawled up my Ass Crack and started feeding by locking onto my Asshole. I had to floss my ass with a Pet Anti-Flea and Tick Collar.

SpaceDog: Ihj my my my

Less: Like a fucking Pesticide G String or some fucked up shit like that!

SpaceDog: Here’s a song for you…My My My! by Troye Sivan (SpaceDog texts me the Spotify link again)

Les: Got Chemical Burns on my goddamn butthole.

SpaceDog: Whyis tour. Utthile top 10 (SpaceDOg then texts a screen shot from Spotify’s screen for Sivan’s My My My)

Les: Sexy Shit. Gave me a boner, I’m gay now.

SpaceDog: oh babe sned me a forever stiff latex cocks its what us lesbos have. Lol huh?

Les: So Good, FO SHO FO SHO

SpaceDog: Oh have the gay i will have the cock

Les: FUCKING SPORTS! GO GAMECOCKS or just GO COCKS!

SpaceDog: The only games you Sout Cacalacy  know are the ones your cock play with ur anus. Go Auburn. ok danny boy haha

Les: Why are Chaos Magicians Such Assholes? Goddamn Google has an entry that fucking literally says that shit. WTF now Internet WTF NOW?!

+I then texted SpaceDog a Picture of a close up of some Woman lifting her skirt with a smiling Justin Beiber face covering her Vagina that reads “Justin Beaver+

SpaceDog: The only woman that hate u sing so lets swim into the show of ivy and let our rel3vquce ring.

Les: Justin Bieber bangs Bovines dirty Cow Fucker

SpaceDog: Thats it my boy thats it my friend we sing this song to ivy she falls to her end.

Les: S-A-V-A-G-E …Ivy what?!

SpaceDog: I tried to call with these words to see if your ivied face had been preserved but you werent my lover not my friend she’d killed you lil your dead heart bled.

Les: Rad

SpaceDog:Oh the south she bleeds icy gets at her kneeeeeees

Les: LmMfao!

SpaceDog: Song just crazy. Raised by far and praise by 5A breeze by 5555555 a brace by for a for Raid 5 hey Girl. Sorry our butter and our jam is getting confused i just my putang tout u in the rouse.

Hey u want a q better choice. Bye. I hope u like your life lol wherever he stands our truth is ib my text. Mohammed my friend my bot and jbow jt eas a girl…vack in Bethlehem bye love.

Les: I’m so using this shit as a blog post coming up soon for fucking sure. Abortions all Around. Muhammad is a Bot LMFBO! CLASSIC!

SpaceDog: Its a sham

Les: Sham Wow?

SpaceDog: Shaw wow cocaine teenage dream. Brooklynn bo ram Botox baby boom boomer. No seems….

#This is the point in the textversation where I think its safe to assume our Dear Friend and My Partner in Crime more than likely passed out.

My brain was still on fire so I just continued on.

Les:Sham Wow Hookers AND Cocaine Baby! The Ball Baum came in contact with the Chemical Burns on my butthole ant it spontaneously Combusted, and now I have 3rd degree burns on my asshole.

Ancient Chinese Proverb: Man who sleeps with itchy ass wakes up with stinky finger.

A round of Finger Fucking for All. Can you fuck a Prolapsed asshole because that shit should be a fucking porn fetish/YouPorn Category. WTF is up with this Docking shit anyways?!

I was wiping my ass and my finger broke through the toilet paper and the tip of my finger grazed my asshole, does that make me gay?!

If your gay and horny and there only women around why not just fuck one in the ass?!

Is Necro Cannibalism better or worse than Necrophilia?! For NEcrophiliacs are Zombies a Deal Breaker?! Just when it comes to NEcrophiliacs the Deader the Better right. Zombie Babies don’t want to suckle your teat they want to EAT IT.

Giving Birth is like the fucking movie “Aliens” a small, bloody, slime covered living creature tears out of your genitals screaming like a son of a bitch. But worse because of the whole genitals over stomach shit.

If I’m Self Employed can I sue myself for Sexual Harassment?! What if you got a restraining order against yourself, I mean how would that shit work exactly I ask you?!

AT this point I was running on intoxicated fumes and quite texting in favor of Smoking Weed and then Sleep.

Brought to You By,

Les Sober & SpaceDog 

Who Said Fucking W/ People Isn’t a Hobby?!

I  (Les Sober) was texting with SpaceDog today and scrounged up an old Textversation  he had one night when he was a bit drunk, board, and rather creative. So SpaceDog decided to fuck with a complete Stranger via Text to entertain himself.

SpaceDog has sent me a copy of said Textversation and……

Now Ladies and Gentlemen For your Entertainment I Give You That Very Textversation!!!

Stranger: who is this? why are you calling me at 2:30 in the morning?

SPACEDOG: I was calling in for a refill. I didn’t know you offered text messaging. I need a refill on the compact Cath. Can I get them in the 90 pack please?  They run out a lot quicker than I thought.

Stranger: no i am not Gina. i suggest you stop texting me i ask you nicely now  i am not your Viagra store, your cath company or senior center

SPACEDOG: My last Catheter broke and it was an bit of an emergency This is the number Gina gave me down at the senior center. She also told me you can help with my Viagra too. Damn stiffy aint working too good.How soon can you have this stuff sent out to me? I have a po box at zip code 18103, Po box #4827

Stranger: can’t you read i said i am not who you are looking for. what does that even mean? I have no idea who you are or what you want? how do you know me?

SPACEDOG: Be a nice boy they are the things that go on my cobra so i can tinkle in my bed and when i go to the Sands I can go right at the black jack table. How much is the refill on my Viagra? Only need 5 of those my lady friend is coming up from texas.

Stranger: well the clearly you can’t read your own writing sounds like you need to dial 1 800 Gambling problem

SPACEDOG: I got a problem with my old pecker 🙁 i only gamble with the money my daughter Bridget gives me. I’m not so sure what my writing has to do with this. Is that you Gina?

Stranger: are you drunk?

SPACEDOG: Only drunk on the lust i have for life. Is there a shipping fee?  The last caths cost me 9.95 for shipping but they gave me a discount for my hip. It’s not real. Shhhhh don’t you be telling my lady friend.

Stranger: is this Jimmy! how you get my number

SPACEDOG: I told you Gina down at the center gave me your number. Gina Gershon. Said you can help with what ails me but i had no idea you are ailing . How was I to know? Im just a lonely old man who needs his Caths. Only thing that’s wrong with me is my teeth fall out sometimes when i get all giddy.

Stranger: well as i told you you have the wrong # i don’t know any of those people.

SPACEDOG: (555)321-7654 Sometimes she goes by the name molly. Well one time she told me her drifter name was peggy. What a wild one that Gina. How much is the shipping costs and how do i pay you? My granddaughter has me on paypal and i got my check book here. Do I need insurance? My name is Tyler Durden policy #627HG269ZBT889NJLA990555FL0101001

Stranger: I am sorry you have the wrong #! this is a personal # and i am starting to get frustrated with this conversation. its rude you text me at 2:30 in the morning.

SPACEDOG: But my last Catheter broke and it was an bit of an emergency This is the number Gina gave me down at the senior center. Listen here sonny you shouldn’t have your ringer on if it’s that late and you aren’t doing refills.

Stranger: is this Jimmy from NY?

SPACEDOG: This is Tyler from foglsville

Stranger: i don’t know a Tyler?

SPACEDOG: Who is this Jimmy you speak of? Is that your barracuda? I haven’t been to NY in so long. My lady friend and i used to see all them shows, had ourselves a fine gay old time.

Stranger: alright i am having rough day right now either tell me how you got this number or know me or fuck off. i just lost someone very close to me and i have been trying to be nice but i am not in the mood for your games

SPACEDOG: Well Gina told me this is the spot. We are getting off track, i need 90 Caths, 5 boner pills and gina told me you got the tina too. Said its gonna pep up step whatever that means. I’m 87 not much pep to step.

Stranger: What are you talking about. i just had a death in my family. What is wrong with you?

SPACEDOG: Since you don’t seem to be doing much about helping me get my new Caths perhaps I can get a discount on the ones the old dead guys doesn’t need anymore. Do you offer a discount for recycling deceased patients medical devices and if so how much of a discount? 50% off sounds like a good deal to me.

Its finally at this point the Stranger realizes that they don’t have to respond just because their being texted in the first place. And only by responding would the Stranger reengage SpaceDog’s Senile Old Man’s Ranting.

See to me thats the funniest fucking thing about this situation that the Stranger doesn’t want to deal with the bullshit, BUT keeps perpetuating the very conversation they don’t want to be in in the first place. Its like trying to put a Fire out by pissing Gasoline on it.

As for our Dear Old Friend SpaceDog is concerned he has hinted that there just might be a sequel coming in the some what near future.

We will have to wait and see.

By to you by SPaceDog 

Insane Text Exchange

WARNING TO ALL READERS: OBJECTIONABLE MATERIAL

This is the most recent and most entertaining Text Exchange between SpaceDog and Myself. Enjoy.

SpaceDog: U need to pull up your pants and clean up your voicemail. Did u know that men with unclean voicemail are 95% more likely to contract Syphilis and 180 timeshare likely to infect their partner? Its horrible i tied my own tubes. But i feel like u get Syphilis more than me hence my text. Multiple shots in trader joe’s to be the most Portlandia crime ever.

Les: First I’m not wearing pants so Ah-Ha! I like my voicemail FILTHY like a Pecker. 180 times that’s it?!!! GREAT now my Crabs have Syphilis AND HERPIES! Shots at Trader Joe’s SHOTS! SHOTS! SHITS!

SPaceDog: Lol

Les: Headed home from Porn Shop, gonna grab some Pickled Eggs, and Budweiser, Hit you up when I get back to Base Camp (Named after all the Cocaine Smoking or Free Basing going on there.)

SpaceDog: I just like gay hulu and i get a massive cock. ok cool.

Les: Also to get rid of Crabs soak Your Junk in Vodka and then cover it in sand. That way the Crabs get Drunk and Stone Each other to Death.

SpaceDog: Id like to do that to get my crabs to work again, between 20 year old Tweens doing vaginal stretches and the male lifeguards moving out of masturbatorial range my life has been no bed of roses. Im just watching cool gay stuff online.

Les: 

Les: Worst Dick Pix EVER. LMFAO!

SpaceDog: There goes that orgasm…clean your voicemail. I dont mind not talking to you i do mind being drunk and not being able to Express my freak.

Les: Gave my voicemail a well needed Bourbon Enema so Speak Your Freak.

Thanks for Reading,

SpaceDog & Les Sober