text messaging – f-your blog

Textpocalypse 2021: SQUATTERS

I’ve said it once and I shall say it again I am a Life Long Fan of Absurdity. I suppose that’s Why I love Shows like Trigger Happy T.V., The Eric Andre Show, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Little Britton. I appreciate the Fact that not Only its Absurdity Wildly Entertaining in My Opinion but it’s Also Flexible. There is the More Commonly Embraced Out Right Absurdity, and as an Example I will Use a Text I sent on Our Family Text Chain on Friday September 17th at 3:02 pm:

“Fun Fact Friday: Neanderthals discovered Time Travel. It’s a Tragedy that They do Not receive the Immense Amount of Credit They Deserve for Their Amazing Discoveries in Time-Space Travel. The Root of Reason for this is Neanderthals were Considered to be “Primitive Man” by Archeologists when that couldn’t be Farther from the Truth. This lead to Their Dismissal of the Neanderthals’s Cave Paintings Chronicling Their Research as “Just more Cave Doodles”. Now a Consideration that One must take into Account is that in all Due Favor ironically the aforementioned Archeologists were a Tad Distracted. They were rather Preoccupied with Practicing Their Bullwhip Skills, and Not Being Crushed by Large Dislodged Boulders.”

This by Anyone’s Standards is Quite Obviously Not even Close to being True and that Fact is Blatantly Obvious to All. Now Absurdity Doesn’t have to be Cartoonish, Over the Top Gonzo, In Your Face, or Manic in its Approach. Absurdity can be Subtle as Hell. The Best way I can Explain it is I Wholeheartedly Believe that You can Say Anything (I mean the Craziest Shit You can Possibly Think of to Say), and as Long as You can Say it with a Straight Face and Conviction You create a Reasonable Doubt. That’s to Say the Person will tell Themselves that You were so Obviously Joking because No Way could Anyone be Serious about such an Absurd Statement. That’s when the Reasonable Doubt Starts to set in, and They Start to Subtly Second Guess Themselves. The More They Doubt the More They can’t Write the Whole Conversation Off as a Joke or One’s Odd Sense of Humor.

A Real Life Example of this Type of Subtle Absurdity that Rails through the Halls of Reason happened to Me the Other Day. It was 10:20 pm and I had a Free moment and found Myself thinking of Weird, Yet Unoffensive Shit to Post on My Family’s Ongoing Text Chain, and Finally decided to go with an Absurd Meme. What Happened Next was a Humorously Confused Text Exchange between Myself, My Mom, and My Aunt. Now At First I assume My Aunt Knew I was Kidding Around, but once My Mom entered the Conversation My Aunt seemed to get Confused as to what is Actually going on. As You will See even though I kept the Whole thing Going I did Start Responding with Absurder Shit Each Time. I was thinking that at Some unseen Level of Absurdity They’d Understand I was just fucking around, and the Outcome was Not what I Expected.

Here is the Aforementioned Text Exchange:

Me:

My Aunt: Uh oh!

Me: Dang Squatters got in the Walls Again.

My Aunt: Oops!!

My Mother: Mice! But I am getting them with the Green Bait Balls!!

Me: Excellent what works on Wall Squatters living in One’s Walls? I called Terminex, but when it comes to Pests They don’t cover Wall Dwelling Squatters. I’m going to check Reddit for possible solutions.

(8 Minutes Later)

Me: Well Reddit is a Total Bust. All I found was Information Pertaining to One’s Walls being inhabited by Wayward Hobos.

My Mom: If you get rid of pests in the house, you are likely you are likely to handle those in the walls, also at the same time. Also a good pest control company should be able to check your house over thoroughly and close any openings that might be allowing entrance to birds, mice, squirrels, or other varmints…

Me: That’s Good Advice the thing that Baffles me is I may Not be the Most Observant Person, I’d like to Think I could Spot an Opening the Size of an Devious Adult Squatter. I have a Sneaking suspicion the Specific Wall Squatters are in fact Tunneling in like Mole People. Does anyone know a Good Company that can check House Foundations since if the Conniving Squatters are in fact Tunneling in to Access the Walls the Foundation Integrity may be Compromised. Also on a similar Note I’m pretty sure My Home Insurance Doesn’t cover this sort of Thing.

My Aunt: No, Les, I am sure that insurance will not cover it and you are correct, they will most definitely have an impact on the integrity of the foundation if not treated…We have that problem here in Atlanta…Let me see if I can find the thread from the area and see if I can tell you who they called and what they did.

My Mom: I use Terminex, Les. I have a contract with them. They treat all pests and insects, not just termites, but you might want to check if you call to make sure they cover exclusion of squirrels, mice, bats, etc. I have had good experience with the local one. In the meantime, Les, go to the Farm Center and get some of those green balls- Ramik baits. Put a couple in a bottle lid or something under the kitchen sink in a cabinet that stays shut so your pets don’t have access. If they disappear overnight that means mice are getting them- and they go out out of the house and died. I find them very effective.

My Aunt: Crocodile Dave seems to be the one that they love here, but it seems that most of the termite companies now treat wildlife intrusion also..and try what your mom suggested, too, because according to the thread, it can be expensive..Good luck!

TEXTED THE FOLLOWING MORNING:

Me: To Whom It May Concern: Last Night I had a couple of Beers and was boded so I scrolled through My Pictures on my Phone. When I saw the Absurd Meme I thought it would be funny to post here. Then I decided it be far funnier if I claimed ACTUAL Homeless People were Squatting in the Walls, thus following the Theme of the Meme. Apparently Some became confused and under the impression and thought I was eloquently describing Mice. There are No Mice or Other Pests. We have been using Terminex for 4 years and still do.

My Aunt: Well, thank goodness. I just have real estate brain, so any mention of foundation issues and my antenna goes up..glad it’s not for real!!

My Mom: Yes, you did confuse us, LES! Good to get your reassurance!

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watched (38/365)

I Apologize that I wasn’t Able to get this Posted Yesterday when it was Supposed to Be. I had one Last Fight I had to Finish Last Night, and Unfortunately it was in a Different Time Zone. Sorry for the Inconvenience.

It was then that Lee’s Attention was drawn to the Wall to His Left where there was a Window in the Wall covered with a Thick Pane of Bullet Proof Glass. The Window had the Classic Narrow Opening at the Very Bottom to allow for Money or Messages to be passed Between the Desk Clerk and The Customer. It reminded Lee exactly of the Type of Window You see at Gas Stations, Connivence Stores, and Liquor Stores in really shitty Neighborhoods. This reasserted Lee’s belief that this was Not Your Typical Holiday Inn.

“Grisly, HEY GRISLY! Where You at? Hurry Your Old Ass Up Here Guy.” Blurted Dizzy rather Rudely as apparently since walking in the Door Dizzy had become instantly Annoyed.

Lee stood patiently not sure what exactly was going on, but was satisfied watching it Unfold. There was a Long Prolonged Creaking straight out of a Halloween Sound Effects CD. The Creak was followed by a great deal of Shuffling, Wheezing, and the sound of Someone talking to Themselves under Their Breath. An Ancient looking Old Man finally came into view and Lee couldn’t help thinking to Himself that the Elderly Man could have been Danny Devito’s Older UnKnown Brother. This was due to the fact the Old Man stood hovering just under 5 feet tall, was quite Portly, and had Classic Male Pattern Baldness on top of it all.

“What? What do You want Now? God Almighty You’re all Pains in My wrinkled Old Ass.” griped Grisly sounding as if He was speaking with a Throat encased in Flem which gave His voice a Wet Gargling Tone.

“Listen You Old Cantankerous Coot I just want to see if I got any Mail today that’s all Don’t go Dying over it.” replied Dizzy who upon seeing Grisly had relaxed back to Normality. Dizzy seemed to be getting a Legitimate kick out of His interaction with Grumpy Old Grisly.

Grisly took His sweet as Time looking under the Counter looking for any Possible Mail that there was for Dizzy. After a excessive amount of Fumbling around Grisly stood up and announced that there was in fact No Mail for Dizzy, and then went on to Complain about being Disturbed over Nothing.

“You got a Quarter?” asked Dizzy matter of factly holding out His hand like a Panhandler.

“For What?” Lee said Questioningly as He wondered what a Quarter was even good for Now A Days.

“A fucking Phone Call, I have to Call for Our Ride remember???” replied Dizzy dumbfounded by the Question.

“Use Your fucking Cell Phone like everybody else then.” said Lee growing agitated by it all.

“I don’t have One. I refuse to buy a fucking Cell Phone, and will NEVER own one of those fuckers as Long as I live thats for Sure.” said Dizzy Emphatically, “You see when You buy a fucking Cell Phone You automatically Forfeit Your fucking Privacy. I don’t want every asshole under the fucking Sun to be able to Reach Me or at least Annoy the shit outta Me whenever They wish regardless of Where I am. And thats not all either because with goddamn Cell Phones everyday assholes can also Text You, E-mail You or Skype You in addition to just Calling You. Fuck and That I want NON of it, and Why Should I? The Last thing this World needs is another Cell Phone Dependent Zombie stumbling around Obliviously with Their heads in Their fucking Phones all damn Day.”

In Spite of how absolutely Odd and Insane Dizzy’s Anti-Cell Phone Position was Lee understood perfectly. In fact He wished He had the Balls the Throw His Cell Phone in the fucking Toilet to Drown the Damnable Thing Once and for All.

Be Sure To Tune in for Next Weeks Amazing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (39/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Textonics : Another Peak Behind The Curtin of Absurdity

Yes you guessed it here is another text conversation between SpaceDog and Yours Truly discussing doing a joint post using a technique known as “Bible Dipping” (want to know wtf that is then wait for the post or just Goggle the fuck out of it.

Without Further Adu TEXTONICS!

SpaceDog: Yeah kind of funny how the hospital is like the top place to catch shit. They should have a separate entrance for sick people at the hospital and clean them up in one of those chambers like they do in the movies. True True. Do you possess one or both bibles? I think i have a new testament around here somewhere but generally speaking that shit is way too cheerful.

Les: Fuck yeah a decontamination shower. I actually have a few versions of the bible ironically. Thats because people (even me believe that shit or not) get weirded out by ditching a bible even if they donate it to like fucking Good Will or some shit like that. I have a biblical text thats a whole bible dedicated to Revelations. Really grim shit. We should definitely use it for the Devil’s end of the Q&A.

SpaceDog: Speaking of Satan, they brought back sabrina the teenage witch and she’s satanic now. lol. Oh yeah thats like grizzly new T. i was thinking of psalms they are all cheery i read them like 20 times when i was in jail.

Les: Holy Shit I saw that shit on Netflix’s New Line Up and thought of the old original show, BUT I had no fucking idea that Sabrina had gone Satanic. I mean Sabrina was on fucking Nickelodeon for fucks sake. So how do you go from a Kids Network to Being Sabrina and Satan she being all down with the Devil. PSALMS READ IN JAIL! Fucking Fabulous. Just read your latest posts and I have to say they are rather Awesome. Very cool indeed.

SpaceDog: Haha thanks i have to finish part 2 later tonight before i forget what the hell i was talking about.

Les: Hear you there. I have a few backlogged posts but had to have surgery number fucking 2 for this year so I was sore as shit and whacked out on a combo of Pot and Percocet. Come to think of it I wish I could have written then because that shit would be far fucking out.

SpaceDog: Damn what surgery u have? It Help?

Les: One of My asshole Doctors wanted an insurance policy since I have a bum ticker. So 2 weeks ago I had a Out Patient Procedure done at this Hospital thats Great accept I fucking despise it like taxes. I hope the surgery helps since the procedure was done in case as my Doctor put it “You try and Die on Us again.” So my shoulder was all jacked the fuck up felt like a tried to tackle an 18 wheeler. Lmfao.

SpaceDog: Well thats good my grandfather had that shit done and was right for as long as i can remember so like 30 years maybe? I tried to have surgery but my Doctor talked me out of it. Have something going on with my neck/shoulder area. I forget what the hell she called it.

Les: Damn a Doctor who doesn’t recommend surgery??? Now thats fucking Crazy as Shit.

SpaceDog: She said the scar would be worse. Idk will reevaluate after i drop weight and find myself staring at myself in the mirrors and not avoiding them like the plague.

Les: Reevaluating is always a good fucking idea, I mean thats what second opinions are made of. I need to drop weight myself. Doing good but then there was the Italy deal and then the Surgical Procedure. I need to get the fuck going again and all that happy horse shit.

SpaceDog: The guy currently dating brittany spears dropped 100 lbs in 6 months by doing 2 hours at the gym every morning. Im not exactly sure what i would do there for 2 hours. Even if i stretch out cardio and weight lifting i can only hit 80-90 minutes. What bout the other 30? Free Handjobs? Fake tanning bed? Arguing with the desk staff about something completely irrelevant? The arguing one is always fun especially when you intend to make zero sense.

Les: Brittany Spears is still relevant?! Yeah a 2 hour block in a fucking gym is a stretch but thats why they have personal fucking trainers I suppose. Arguing nonsense is AWESOME and a GREAT past time/ hobby too. Dunno about the extra 30 minutes time killer-filler but you got some good ideas. There a gym in the next town 8 miles down the road. Its a prefab building that houses you basic gym equipment, no contracts, no pressure, no trendy juice bar, no mirrored walls, no TVs, and no staff at all. Fucking Love It. They give you a key once you track down the owner and then you can go anytime you want as much as you want. You just let yourself in whenever ya wanna hump iron.

SpaceDog: Sounds like the old gym i belonged to. It was 24 hrs had a key card, i think the staff left at 6 pm something crazy early. Had to drop that shit because they decided that when they left they would shut off the air conditioning off also. Urge Fitness i guess as in i have to urge to murder these assholes. Owner must be some road head likes to cuss people out in their yelp reviews which is why i review shit anonymously. Cuz i only review some nasty shit. Lol. Like your fucks. I agree sarah Sanders deserves 2 separate fucks. Also i have 3 to add: Fuck Steve Harvey. FUCK BIXBY. FUCK CORTANA. ( those are the rip roaring shitting alexis/siri clones on samsung and windows respectively. Bit/Cortana compared to alexis/siri is like sleazy hollow vs the ritz carlton. Im going to bed i think i will survive one more day without finishing blog. Here’s something to keep u busy. U have to enter for the Mama Mia socks i did lmfao.

Les: They cut the AC thats some real bullshit there the douche bags. Urge is for Assholes LMFBO! Roid Rage the Struggle is REAL. Steroids shrink your balls and gives you bitch tits. I can add the additional fucks tomorrow just gotta edit them in there. Double Fuck(ed). Come to think I may just use your fucks to start off a Part 2. LMFAOMFRS!

***Thats all for this time around kiddies.***

Thanks for Reading

, Les Sober and SpaceDog

The Cell Phone Show Down

One night after having a few beers I decided to call up my Brother in Law who I hadn’t spoken with in some time. Now I had several phone numbers for my Brother in Law since he was a rather active guy shall we say.

Anyway I called the primary number that I had been able to reach him on only to discover it had been Recycled, and now it had be assigned to some unknown random woman. I hung up as soon as I heard the voicemail thinking that was rather strange. Had my Brother in Law ditched one number, but hadn’t given (to my knowledge) a new number to anyone?! My Brother in Law is also know for his extreme impulsiveness so I had to also wonder if there was a scheme afoot.

Well just a minute or two after I attempted to call my Brother in Law my phone’s text alert went off. I picked it up to check the new text it without looking to see who the fuck was actually texting me.

This is where the Shitnado of Absurdity started and would go on to span a couple of hours.

I checked my phone to find it was some fucking Guy texting who I had no fucking clue who the hell he was. I was pondering what the fuck was going on. Well it didn’t take long to find out.

This was in fact the Boyfriend of the nameless, faceless, unknown Woman who was now in possession of my Brother in Law’s old Cell Number. And just my fucking luck he’s one of those Overtly Paranoid Untrusting Jealous Controlling Assholes.

Now I’m going to take a minute to address this type of fucking Guy. I have no fucking clue whatsofuckingever why a Woman would date nor stay with this type of Guy.

This is the sneaky son of a bitch that checks his girl friends phone every chance he gets behind her back.

This is the kind of Shit that thinks every other guy at the Bar is eyeballing his girlfriend, and more often than not it leads to a drunken jealousy fueled fight. And more times than not its also where the asshole boyfriend gets his teeth kicked in.

This is the type of Scumbag that tries or succeededs in controlling his girlfriend’s make up, clothing, and friends through bullshit manipulation.

This is the kind of prick that thinks every one of his girlfriends coworkers is hitting on her daily, and spends his whole day keeping tabs on his girlfriend like a fucking Stalker.

Essentially these type of Guy’s are SO FUCKING INSECURE that it breeds this paranoia of losing said girlfriend causing the said boyfriend to rashly assume that anything with a penis wants to bang his girlfriend, AND/OR he’s afraid she actually doesn’t care for him that much (in this case the jealous Guy is EXTREMELY CLINGY I’m talking about that “You’re Suffocating Me” type shit) and will dump him in an instant.

Granted Clingy sucks to no fucking end BUT its the lesser of 2 evils. Having a Jealous, paranoid, and controlling boyfriend (trying to dictate every aspect of his girlfriend’s fucking life like she’s a fucking slave) SUCKS WORSE.

Now back to our story already in progress…….

So His initial Texts where: Wanting to know who I was, Why was I calling, and that this was his girlfriends phone.

In return I Texted: You texted me so who are you, I told him I was trying touch with my Brother in Law, and got his girlfriends voice fucking mail by accident.

After that he starts acting like the tool that he is. He sends me a screen shot of his girlfriends recent call list with my number highlighted. Now I never denied calling because I did, BUT I had no idea the number had been Recycled to some fucking girl.

Being a Jealous Boyfriend the asshole said he didn’t buy it, and I better stay away from his girlfriend. I could just see this fuck on the other end of the line so to speak standing all tall, puffing out his chest for all its fucking worth, Glaring like a angry drunk hawk, and pacing frantically periodically looking out the windows as he passes for some threat thats not fucking there.

I basically didn’t give a rats ass from the beginning and couldn’t help thinking how many people have accidentally texted or called this girl only to have to deal with her dick of a boyfriend (bitchfriend is more like it.) At this point I really didn’t give a good goddamn about this overly jealous, insecure piece of human shit. I thusly ended the whole bullshit exchange with the alright my fucking bad whatever I deleted the number since its obviously no use to me. And that was that. Well for a few brief minutes anyway.

I decided that if the primary cell number that I called my Brother in Law on was Recycled then what about the secondary number I had. Me being Me and rather drunk came to the conclusion the best thing to do is call it, and find out if the number worked, was Recycled or possibly disconnected.

As it turned out that my Brother in Law’s alternate phone number had also been Recycled again I got some random girls voicemail. I hung up immediately and deleted the number figuring this situation was rather fucked up. LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD this number too had been Recycled to the same previous asshole. Why the hell did his girlfriend apparently have come into possession of BOTH fucking numbers was baffling as hell.

Needless to say this set the little motherfucker off like a fucking rocket. This time around the little punk ass had the artificial confidence to call me up this time to chat about what the fuck was going on. As I stated I had no fucking idea, and couldn’t get over how utterly moronic this shit was. And now this paranoid and jealous little twat of a boyfriend thinks for sure that I’m scamming on his girlfriend.

The first idea that came to my mind on how to handle this horeshit was the old make him think your fucking insane, some real sick fuck that cuts off people’s heads and wears them as a fucking hat type of a Murderous Madman a real life Slasher Movie. Then I thought how cliche that shit was and opted for a new idea. The new idea turned out to be making this little turd think HE’S THE ONE WHO’S SANITY IS SLIPPING essentially flip flopping the original idea/concept.

This is how it all went down in operation “Its Not Me Who’s Crazy, Thats YOU”. For his part this Jack Ass spewed the normal line of macho bullshit cliques (doing his damnedest to make me think he was 10 feet tall and fucking bullet proof) like Propaganda for Pricks. It was SUCH OVERKILL the Guy was trying WAAAAY TOO Hard to be the almighty Alfa. What an Asshole.

In reality I imagine this little bitch was about 5 feet nothing, weighed about 90 pounds soaking fucking wet, Whiny, All Bark and NO BITE like a Tiny Toy Chihuahua. You’ve heard this shit before and I for one from what I have seen of the World am inclined to agree. Real Tough Guy/ Bad Asses DON’T WASTE THEIR TIME YELLING ABOUT IT WHILE HURLING THREATS AND INSULTS. They know they can kick the shit out of pretty much anyone so there is no reason for them to try and impress people.

I didn’t really have a set plan per say I just ad-libbed and then went from there. It started by me repeatedly telling him that the phone he is calling is STRICTLY a Business Phone. After a while of that I added that ONLY AUTHORIZED People have access to this phone. Again taking a few minutes to repeat this as much as possible BECAUSE its all about REPETITION, REPETITION, REPETITION.

Now before anyone feels the need to point this out theres no need. What I’m talking about is this I DID SWITCH my original story. Originally I told this Putts I accidentally called which was the truth, BUT to aid in my new game of “Who’s Crazy Now” as it were I SWITCHED my stance to I DIDN’T call you. Why you ask?! Well its simply because I needed to switch to keep the game going is all.

At this point the Butthead Boyfriend is getting confused. He can’t figure out why I’m not acting like an asshole too and yelling a bunch of bullshit trying to out macho his punk ass. He also is beginning to lock on the whole Business Phone Story which only serves to increase his confusion. So now he’s running out of steam having screamed himself fucking silly.

This is where I ramp things up. I start speaking in a aggressively Authoritarian Voice like a Law Enforcement does for example. I am now speaking to him like he’s a irritating child that got caught red handed doing some shit they shouldn’t. Some would call it ‘Talking Down” or “Being Condescending” and I would agree with both summations.

I start to shove the I didn’t call you from this phone which so happens to be a highly restricted Business Phone of some unknown sort. I start hammering the little Snot with the line “NO ONE is Authorized to make PERSONAL CALLS on THIS PHONE”

He has no clue now what the fuck is happening, he’s been so thrown off his macho bullshit ranting that he’s begging to flounder. The tables were starting to turn.

I then launched into “I DON’T KNOW who called you from this phone, But if we find out who they are they will be SEVERELY REPRIMANDED for their egregious actions.”

I’m now employing more militant or governmental type of speaking. This poor bastard now was beginning to get nervous that HE was in some sort of Danger. I then just unleashed like a Monumental Shitacane. I informed him that We had no clue who the fuck was violating a strict no personal phone calls from our exclusive Business Only phone. We would find out who called his girlfriends phone hell or high water. That NO ONE was Authorized to use this phone without selectively been given clearance. I went on to say I didn’t appreciate him being difficult and he should reconsider his behavior. I told him then to just drop his despicable attitude because it wouldn’t help him in the long run. This conversation was in fact being recorded (without a reason why given). He’s wasting my time with this trivial nonsense was not a wise decision.

The sad little fucker now is in a state of shock, confusion, and paranoia with good reason. Without acting like a typical macho male Jersey Shore Shithead he had no idea how to deal with the situation, and now had lost any and all control of the phone call. He was left wondering if I was somehow a Cop or Law Enforcement Agent, A Member of Biker Club, Political Group, Religious Group, A Governmental Agency, The Masons or possibly a Militia of some kind. There was no actual context so he became pledged by self doubt, and then had a mental melt down.

Seeing that the game had run its course and getting bored with the whole ordeal decided to end this shit circus once and for all. I told the little Pisser that enough was enough. This conversation was now over. Whoever called his girlfriend had violated Authorization of a Business Phone, and would not call back ever. They would be facing Strict Punishment. He then mumbled some garbage I assume was a last pitiful attempt at being a Big Man I mean his brain was fucking soup at this point the poor son of a bitch.

I then lastly took the time to inform him that if he called back he would be in direct violation of our mutual Cease and Desist agreement (which I made up right then and there there was no agreement of any fucking kind), and We would be keeping tabs on him in the future (thus playing into the paranoia of being watched and possibly being in or getting into trouble in the future.)

To This day I have never spoke with that little Dimwitted Douche again. I do ponder from time to time when I have a free moment to think (like when I’m eating or taking a leak) what the fuck did he tell his girlfriend happened that night or did he just not mention it at all because he still had no idea wtf was going on. Either which way heres looking at you ASSHOLE.

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober

Try Scamming Me & I’ll Royally Fuck Up Your Day PT. 2: Counterstrike

I left off explaining in the last post that some Absurd Asshole(s) had contacted via text about trouble processing my Health Insurance Payment that was a BLATANT SCAM. In stead of flipping out and going batshit crazy with rage/revenge I would try a different plan. Here is what I did.

I did some Bong Rips and began to think about a plan. Now not only did I want to piss the Scam Artist off as much as they had me I also wanted it to be fun to do. I ended up coming around full circle by selecting Text Messaging as my form of communication versus Cell Phone Call. If I had chose to call the number included in the Text I know what the fuck would have happened.

I would have simply lost my shit and started cursing out the guy on the other end of the phone. The swearing then would be followed by a slew of insults and then violent threats of bodily harm. I seem to have inherited my Father’s intense source of Anger. My motto in situations like this is if you try and fuck with me or fuck me over I will return the favor 100 fold, BUT I digress.

Then I concocted a phony Movie Company Called Von Dire Films. Now Von Dire I thought should be a scummy, underground, indie, sleazy, offensive, and troubling films with titles like “Corpse Farm: A Return to Flesh” or some weird shit like that. I then came to the conclusion that Von Dire Films was a Self Promotional Merchandise Super Sluts who TEX BOMB the Hell out of random people hoping to secure some new fans/customers.

Here are some examples of the Von Dire Film Solicitation Texts:

Text 1.

You have reached Von Dire Movie Production Company. Unfortunately We are having budgetary issues while shooting our new Movie in Borneo called “Skull Fucking Your Bloody Skull”. We will be out of the Country for Filming for the next 8 weeks. Please leave any and all contact information pertaining to the specified project at Our Dark Web Website VonDiresFuckedUpFilm.Org

So to Our Fans We say “Fuck Off We’re Filming” & “Adios Assholes” so Thank You for Your interest in Von Dire International Snuff Film Productions LLC.

Text 2.

Von Dire Banned Films That with Mindfuck you like a Lobotomy!!!

WWW.VDBF.ORG

SUPER SICK SALE ALL WEEK LONG!!!!!!!!

Text 3.

Von Dire Film “Cannibalistic Coitus” Nominated for the Underground Picture of the Year at Cannes!!! Now Only $29.99!!!

See Our Website on the Dark Web for further details!!!

STAY SICK CITIZENS!!!!!!

TEXT 4.

VON DIRE IS BACK! in the Celluloid Slaughter Business with his new demented movie “Meat Hook Justice” Coming to American Theaters Feb. 14th 2018! ADVANCE TICKETS Sales Available Through Our Dark Web Website. SO SIGN IN, SHOP, AND STAY SICK!

Text 5.

Von Dire’s Ferral Film Festival set for Bucharest Sept. 18th 2018!!!

Gorepon Group Packages Available on our DARKEST WEBSITE!

HURRY BEFORE THEY SELL OUT!!!!!

GOREPONS START AT 12,000 BitCoin (Purchaser must have a Valid

PayPal account at time of Purchase)

Text 6.

Gorepon the Groupon of Grizzly Gore has current Tour Packages of

Killing Christ’s Kingdom Studios

VERY LIMITED TIME ON ONLY!!! DON’T THINK BUY. BUY.BUY.

TEXT 7.

VON DIRE Sinful Spoken Wicked Word Tour COMING SOON!!

Check Out Our Deepest Dark WebSite for Upcoming Information!!!

Have Your check books ready!!!!

Text 8.

Von Dire Biography 4 Sale!!! “Bloody Genital Mutilation: My Life Growing Up in Antartica” ON SALE! LIMITED NUMBER PRINTED!

ORDER NOW,NOW,NOW!!! (Sale Price 165 Euros) !!!

All We need is Your Social Security Card Number for verification of Purchase!

Text 9.

Von Dire Films Presents Bloody Sod Bollock’s

“Shoot My Face Off I Like It” Disturbing Documentary of Damnation

For Sale For LOW, LOW PRICE of 900 Yen!!!

All We Need is Your Debit Card Number and Pin Number!!!

Text 10.

Von Dire’s New Gothic Novel

“The Insurance Sucubus Slayer: Cannibalize The Conman”

Available now on BrutalBooks.Net for $49.99

All We Need is the Routing Number from a Personal Check!!!

Text 11.

Von Dire is Von Damit in “Demonic Dolphin Rape Cave 2”

Streaming on FuktFilms.Net for just the low price of $4.99 for

the 1st Minute and $2.99 each Additional Minute!!!!!

Text 12. “Lust and Lobotomies: The Jeffery Dalhmer Story” by Von Dire

Inspired by Real Life Insanity!!

Torn from the Headlines of Horror!!!!

On Sale Now For Just 17 Easy Payments of $59.99!!!!

Text 12.

Von Dire’s work will Haunt you!!!!

Check Out at Goddamn VOnDire.Org!!!

Text. 13

Von Dire Fan Club Enrolling NOW!!!

Von Dire’s Fan Club The Bloody Bastards has LIMITED OPENINGS!!!

Rare chance to become an actual Fan Club Member just Sign Up For

12 Months for $6,499.99!!!

9 Months for $4,995.99!!!

6 Months for $3,499.99!!!

3 Months for $1,499.99!!!

1 Month for just a mere $999.99

All You need to do is just send ALL Your Personal Banking Information to Us Via Our Deep Dark Dark Website!!

Text 13.

“Suck My Ass It Smells” the Von Dire GG Allin Punkumentary Slated for Release in FALL 2019!!! ADVANCE TICKETS FOR SALE!!!! BUY NOW!!!!!

Text 14.

It has come to Our attention that you haven’t purchased anything in QUITE A WHILE!

Please contact Us IMMEDIATELY with Your Credit Card Information Ready!!!

VON DIRE FILMS LLC “The Sickest Shit on Celluloid!!!”

Text 15.

WHY haven’t YOU visited Our Deep Website VonDire.Org Website??????

Please Stop and SHOP! SHOP! SHOP!

Deals! Sales! Discounts!! DOUBLE Fan Club Member Points!!!!!

Text 16.

It has come to the attention of Our Billing Department that You have an Outstanding OVER DUE Payment Pending for $749,999.99.

If You FAIL to contact us within 24 hours We will turn Your Current Past Due Amount over to The United States Federal Debt Collection Agency.

It be in Your Best Interest to CALL US TODAY and PAY Without Thinking or Questioning it. You can also Log Onto Our Darkest Website and SPEND the Equivalent on Merchandise.

Text 17.

You’ve been CAUGHT by MasterLock Security Monitoring Systems on Illegal Von Dire DarkWeb Movie sites.

These Sites contained depictions of Extreme Fetishes, Donkey Shows, Eating Feces, Platypus Rape, S&M&B&D&GT, Pygmy Gangbangs, Live Sex Acts preformed by Sea Monkeys, Defamation of the Dead, Necrophilia, HillBilly Incest, Cattle Decapitation, Sex with Star Fishes, Genital Mutilation, Uniques, Rectal Insertion of Foreign Objects, Triple Fisting, Nipple Clamp Carnage, Group Masturbation, Coffin Coitus, Blood Lust Orgies, Vaginal Vomiting, Testicular Torture, Midgets Running a Train on a WNBA Center, Amputee Stump Humping, Skull Fucking, Ejaculating Blood, Among Other Offenses.

If You Do Not PAY the Fine of $15,499.99 to Us in Target Gift Cards OR Cigarettes WE WILL REPORT YOU TO THE NSA IMMEDIATELY POST HASTE!

Text 18.

Cunt-Fart & The Rotten Peckers have just signed a contract to record the entire Soundtrack for Von Dire’s Short Student Art Film

“Sadistic Sex Slug Sodomy”

Release due February 1st at MIDNIGHT through Our Super Sick Website!!!

Members get unlimited listening!!!

So Send Us a Photocopy of Your Driver’s License and a Blank Persona Check or Debit Card!!!!

ONLY $975.99 While Supplies Last BUY NOW WITHOUT DELAY!!!!!!

Shitting and Fondling Included for an Additional Fee of $64.99!!!

Text 19.

Visit VONDIREMERCH.ORG(Y).NET NOW!!!!HURRY!!! GO!!!!

Discount Sale Starts This Friday at Midnight on Our Sick As Shit Website TODAY!!!

BE THERE YOU BASTARDS & BITCHES!!!!!

Text 20.

Authentic Bulgarian Bahhbahchoubpa Available TODAY!!!!

Grown EXCLUSIVELY at Von Dire Feral Farms in the Sunless Lithuanian Country Side!!

JUST A MEASLY $49.99 a Bushel!!!!! LOGON TO OUR Sinful Website for Purchasing Information TODAY!!!!!

Text 21.

Von Dire Office Yard Sale is going on this Weekend!!!!

This is YOUR rare and utterly exclusive chance as a Fucked Up Fan Club Member to PURCHASE SPECIAL MERCHANDISE ITEMS SUCH AS:

A Mason Jar of Von Dire’s Shaved Pubes, VD’s PERSONAL ANTIQUE Genital Torture Kit, VD’s diseased and stuffed Pet Electric Eel, VD’s office Urinal, The German Industrial Nipple Clamps from VD’s Outfit he wore to the Vomitous Awards in 1993, AND SOOOOO MUCH MORE!!!! LOG ON NOW LEMMINGS!!!

Text 22.

Von Dire’s Scummy Spoken Word Collection “Decade of Debauchery” consists of the 1979-1991 Spoken Word Tours of Guam. ONLY $99.99! LOG ON AND BUY NOW and BUY A COPY FOR A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER NOW!!

Text 23.

Von Dire’s Lost Movie has just been Found!!!!

“Cockring Carnival of Karnal Cock Carnage 1888”

One of Von Dire’s 1st Films found misplaced in the Lost Soul Studios’s Film Vault!!!! ONLY $179.99!

EXTREMELY LIMITED TIME ONLY!!! This is a one time 36 Hour Special Secret Sale!!! Buy Several Copies NOW!!!

Text 24.

Von Dire POP UP RESTAURANT The VD Clinic IS HERE Tonight!!!

Just a small fee of $299.99 Per Person and $499.99 Per Plate!!!!

Dinner Includes:

Specialty Corrosive Cocktails, 17 Course Dinner (with the Main Course Being Bison imported from the Croatia), Damnable Dessert, and Sinister Cigars served with 110 year old cognac from Turkey.

PLUS A SPECIAL SHOWING OF VD Video Productions Catalog BUT HURRY SALE ENDS IN 76 Minutes!!

Text 25.

BREAKING NEWS!!! THIS JUST IN!!!!

Von Dire Dick Pics Leaked on

HollywoodHardons.com!!!!!!

NOTE TO READER: The texts above were sent starting Monday 6:15 am and Wednesday 11:39am. That would have been the end of it, BUT on Wednesday at 2:47 pm The Absurd Assholes sent me yet ANOTHER TEXT. The text was the same deplete piece of shit cheap ass scam bullshit as the last previous 3. Thusly at 7:48 Wednesday I returned to my antagonistic ways.

Text 1.

“Throbbing Taints and the Shitty Assholes” a Film By the Legendary Deplorable Director VON DIRE is a Political Commentary Documentary on the current sate of political affairs throughout this Evil Earth. Von Dire has already announced He will be filming the sequel “TrumpFucker: A Legacy of Failure” solely focusing on Donald Trump.

ADVANCE COPIES AVAILABLE FOR 210 BITCOINS!! CHECK OUT OUR SICKLY WEBSITE!! SOONER THE BETTER, BUY NOW!!

TEXT 2.

“Crippled Faith” is a collection of Gothic Poems about Death and Desire by none other than VON DIRE’S Little Bastard Brother VAN DIRE!! The book was released by Putrid Publishing which is his Older Brother VON DIRE’s Publishing House known mostly for publishing “Necrophilia Noir” a instructional guide for beginner Necrophiliac.

AVAILABLE AT OUR WEBSITE!!!

All We Need is a photocopy of Your Personal Financial Statements such as Banking Statement, to Complete Your Purchase RIGHT FUCKING NOW BITCHES!!!

Text 3.

Von Dire’s band SlutFuck will be playing a limited number of secret acoustic Tour all during the month of March.

DON’T MISS SLUTFUCK’S “EATING THE ASS OUTTA A DEAD DINGO” TOUR

WHERE WILL THEY BE PLAYING YOU ASK???!!

Log On to Our Wretched WebSite where You and Your Friends can PURCHASE CLUES to help You to locate a Secret Show NEAR YOU!!

The Cost Per Clue is Only $29.99!!! ACT NOW, BUY NOW!!!!!!

Text 4.

Cocktails To The Tits: A Von Dire Meet & Greet scheduled before the debut of VD’s most recent Diseased Film “The Cyclops: Cycle of Shitty Sex, Unbearable Sin, and the Abominable Aftermath”

Saturday Midnight Showing down at The Barfly Lounge!!!

Meet & Greet Passes $349.99 and Film Tickets for ADDITIONAL $74.99!!

Call The BarFly Lounge For Details RIGHT FUCKING NOW BABY!!!

Text 5.

“Zombie Hooker Handjobs” a Sick Flick by One of the most despised film makers in MOVIE HISTORY Von Dire’s Eldest Son Vin Dire!! COMING SPRING 2019!!!

Text 6.

“The Scumfuck Tradition & Legendary Luridness”

Von Dire’s FAMOUS AWARD WINNING ROCKUMENTARY chronicles Iconic Underground Hardcore Porno Punk Bands Such as the Following:

The Fuck Me Pumps, SlutFucker ( a SlutFuck Tribute Band), Slore, The Shitty Shitty Gangbangers, Agent Alien Anal X, The Prolapsed Rectums, Anti-All, Puss Buster, Rectal Invasion, Muff Diver & The Bull Dykes, Fighters and Fuckers, The Les Sober Scumbag 6, The Gash, Up To The Nuts In Guts, The Young Cocksmen, Hairy Clam and The Beavers, Death To Dipshits, Fuck Your Face, Mr. Fister, Cunt-Fart, Mangled Manginas, Vag The Impaler, Manstruation, The Salty Yogurt Slingers, Molested Melvin, The Perv’s, Rectal Leakage, The Bastards, and MANY MORE!!!!

Just Send Us the Deed to Your House as Payment!!! Purchase NOW!!!

Text 7.

Von Dire Presents “Disemboweling The Dead” a Perverse Film from Celluloid Sinn with LIMITED SHOWINGS AVAILABLE NOW STREAMING ON OUR SINFUL WEBSITE!!!! ONLY $197.60!!! ACT NOW!!!

Text 8.

The Sultan of Slaughter, The Duke of The Damned, The King of Corpses, The Barron of Blood, The Price of Perversion, The President of the Perverse, The Prime Minister of Sinister VON DIRE RETURNS AFTER 2 YEAR ABSENCE!!!!!

“Mouth Full of Maggots” is Von Dire’s Return to the Wretched Movie!!!

Already Banned in 49 States and 42 Countries World Wide!!!

Available in 90 Days for $129.99 or an Advance Copy for just $119.99!!!

Text 9.

The Von Dire Movie “Gargling With Broken Glass” is now available fully remastered in GORE VISON !! Available Now For $665.99!! Gore Vision Glasses NOT INCLUDED! Gore Vison Glasses SOLD SEPARATELY and can be PURCHASED for $349.99!!!

Text 10.

The Satanic Semen Society to induct Infamous Film Maker VON DIRE into the Sleaze Hall Of Fame on Julember 32nd!!! Watch the Induction on PPV On Demand for $49.99 or Stream it LIVE on our Sinister Website for $74.99!!!!

Text 11.

BREAKING NEWS!! YUGOSLAVIAN FILTH FILM DIRECTOR VON DIRE!!!

VON DIRE was Arrested and charged with Crimes Against the Indigenous People of PogoPogo while filming his latest movie

“The Bloody Savages of The Flesh Forrst”

Stay Up To Date on this SHOCKING News Story by Subscribing to Our NEW YOURUBE Channel for a Low Monthly Charge of $79.99!!

WTF R U WAITING 4?!!

That My Readers is where it has ended for now, and We will have to wait and see if this situation will continue in the near future/future.

Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober

Early Am Insanity: A Texting Tirade

Here is the Latest installment of Les’s Late Night Text Bombing Spacedog with Utter Absurdity.

Text Bomb Drops at 3:14 am:

I dip my balls in Vino and Tea Bag Alcoholics.

Phil was Drunk & Nude making Scrambled Eggs and accidentally Scrambled his Scrotum.

Lets Fast Forward to the Fucking.

Chastity Belts were known at the time as Beaver Blockers.

She terrorizes the Tiny Town with her Tremendous Tits.

WTF is/are Mummeries?

CLUSTERFUCKS: The ClusterFuck Club, The ClusterFucked Friends, The CLusterFucking Fiends, The ClusterFuckable Family, The ClusterFuck Factory.

New Anime Cartoon The Fantastic Fuckery of Tittie Fuck-Fuck.

Theres as Serial Rabbit Rapist running loose in The Woods of Wisconsin.

Farmer Phil got so fucked up Drunk he Butt Balled a Bull.

Tubeless peter Pecker The Marvelous Merkin Maker of Manchester.

The Bastards & Bitches Society’s Ballroom Bash.

Shemale Shoe Shiners Union Local 447.

New Porn Film Title: Granny Tranny

The Sausagefest Sword Fight or the Clashing of the Cocks.

Clit City.

Meth Mouth Mark sucks dick for Dope behind the 8-12 dumpster out back.

Phil got so fucked up he Dicked a Donkey.

The Electric Dildo Experience of 1888.

My new favorite insult followed by alternatives: Bite My Taint, Lick My Taint, Suck My Taint, Toung My Taint.

Horse Humping Harry The Racetrack Rapist Strikes Again in Cook County Connecticut.

Phil got fucked up & stuck his pecker in a Prize Pig.

LadyLand The Menstruation Nation.

Phil got Shitfaced & sucked a Sheep’s Schlong.

Frederick got fucked up & Gargled a Goat’s Gonads.

Leisure Suit Silvia & The Land of the Lesbian Lounge Lizards: Leisure Suit Larry.

Pot Paraphernalia plus a Dildo = The Schlong Bong “The Bong with Balls”

Derricks favorite new Ska Band is called Bag of Dicks.

Karl is a cock cracking cunt or Karl is a cock kinking cunt.

The Cunty Cowboy’s of Salt Lake City.

My new band is named The Salt Lake City Slut System.

Early 19th century Sailors used to refer to a Womanizer as a “Clam Cracker” or “A Slit Shucker”

Phil is Pounding his Pecker to Porn.

Pete is Pounding Off to Low Budget Pittsburg Produced Porno.

Japan has a Sex Doll Disposal Service.

New International Porn: Getting Gash in Guam.

Phil got fucked up and Banged a Water Buffalo.

Frederick got fully fucked up and fingered a Ferret.

Phil got fucked up & sucked a Whale’s Wang and Had Six Way Sex with Sharks.

Richard suffers from Rectal Rage Disorder

Grits & Shits with a side of Eggy Anus.

Betty’s Beefy Buttocks.

Porn Title: Naughty Necrophiliacs: Coitus with Corpses

Alt Terms for a Pornographic Movie: A Fuck Film, A Dick Flick, A Pussy Picture, a Fuck Flick.

Samuel’s smoking Weed & Wanking Off Wildly.

Spiritual Soul Sex.

Time Now 4;20 am:

4:20 Smoke It if Ya got It.

The opposite of Wake’n Bake is Smoke’n Sleep.

Thats All This Bombing,

Les “Than” Sober