Timeout Tavern – f-your blog

Crazy People, Campgrounds, and A Crappy Concert

Now I had mentioned in a Recent Post that My Wife and I are in the Habit of Frequenting Our Local Bar called Timeout Tavern. Over Time as One might Imagine We started to meet some of the Local Characters from Our Town as well as the Neighboring Town. One of those Characters is a Man of Few Words who goes by Dee Dee who’ve We seen at the Bar Numerous times before. Well on this particular Thursday (Normally We head to Timeout on Fridays, but this Thursday was My Wife’s Birthday) We just so Happened to Sit at an Open Spot at the Bar that was next to Dee Dee who had been there for some time already.

Dee Dee as far as Dee Dee is concerned was in His Version of a Talkative Mood. This meant We would sit Next to One Another drinking in Silence until periodically Dee Dee would Lean over slightly in Our direction, and then proceed to have talk about whatever topic was on His Mind. These Mini conversations lasted just a few Sentences before Dee Dee would fall Silent once again. At one Point later in the Evening Dee Dee had Invited Us to Join Him on Saturday for Some Event or What Not. Finally Dee Dee decided He was Drunk Enough (and I’m not Talking Shit since He was Visibly Intoxicated, and in all Due Favor so was My Wife and I) and Decided to Head Out. Not Long after Dee Dee’s Departure My Wife and I also Opted to Call it a Night and went Home to Hangout with Our Pack of Dogs.

Friday came and went uneventfully and come Saturday Morning My Wife and I had a Bit of an Issue. The Issue was Due to the Fact all Three of Us (Dee Dee included) were so Drunk that My Wife and I couldn’t Remember what the fuck We had agreed to Thursday Night. So We started Playing the Drunken Memory Puzzle Game slowly Remembering Detail after Detail as We tried to Piece it all together. By 1:30 in the Afternoon We had managed though it was quite a Struggle to Assemble the Pieces of the Puzzle in a Coherent Narrative. What We Deduced was Dee Dee, who Actually lives in the Previously Mentioned Neighboring Town, had Rented a RV Site at Cooper’s Campground which was an Extremely Large local Campground. Dee Dee had invited Us to Stop by His Campsite around 4pm to Tailgate before a Local Band Played a Show at the Campground.

Even After We recounted Thursday Nights Conversation We still had a Number of Problems. First being the Most Obvious was Dee Dee never told Us what the Actual Number of His Campsite was. He Only mentioned that We should Enter the Camp Ground, make a Left, and keep Driving until We saw the Campground Laundry Building. Apparently His Campsite was in the Vicinity of said Laundry. Also Around Here its a Bit Old School because when I asked Dee Dee for His Cell Number so We could Orchestrate Saturday’s Plan He simple Replied “Why? If You come then I’ll just See You There.” which is about as Useful as a Car without an Engine. Also We had No Idea where in the Massive RV Park/Campground the Concert Venue was since We had Never been there Before. I decided the Best Idea was to say fuck 4 O’clock since the Concert was the Main Focus of the Nights Events, and again We had No Real Information on How to Locate Dee Dee or Call or Text Him either. I thought We should Head to the Campsite to get a Literals Lay of the Land so We’d know what the fuck We were getting Ourselves into.

We headed over to the Campground around 5pm or so and Once We arrived We drove through a Small Neighborhoods Worth of RV’s, RV Parking Sites, and Actual Campers in Tents. Then We reached the Main Campground Gate where there were to Humongous Signs Posted Relaying the Basic Rules and Policies of the Park which were Extensive to say the Least. What Pissed ME off at that Moment was the Fact the Campground Charged People who weren’t Current Campers (aka Customers) $5 Per Person to Enter. I though how if I was a Friend or Family Member Visiting How I’d be even More Pissed Off I’d be about the Gate Toll. All I’m saying is You visit someone in a Hotel, Motel, or Air B&B You don’t have to Pay some Bizarre and Bullshit Cover Charge just for Visiting. Anyway We made a U Turn and went back Home considering We didn’t really want to Hangout in a fucking RV Park/ Campground for several Hours Before the Show.

Once We arrived Home My Wife Hit Up the Campground Website for Details since We had Not been able to Scout Out the Location. My Wife confirmed First and Foremost that there was indeed a Concert that Night, and pulled up Some Picture of Where the Show would be Held. The Picture was unassuming as fuck as it was just a Picture of a Large Field on the Water Front. My Wife and I figured that because the Venue was a Campground that They would Erect a Small Stage for the Band to Play on. We assumed then that People Who came Would Bring Blankets or Beach Chairs to Sit On while the Band was On Stage Preforming. We figured We would need some Show Supplies so We went Out and Bought a couple of Cheap Beach Chairs, 3 Bags of Ice, A Cooler, and of Course a Case of Budweiser. Outside the Store We Filled the Cooler with the Ice and Stocked it with the Budweiser before departing. We Drove on Over to the Campsite since it was Now Quarter to Seven and the Show was Billed to Start at 8pm.

Once We Arrived We discovered the Gate Attendant had Left so We were Referred by a Shitty Handwritten Note (Scrawled on a Scrap Piece of Paper Taped to the Window of the Camp Connivence Store which Doubled as the Gate House) to the Two Monolithic Signs Posted on Either Side of the Gate. We ended up having to Fill Out this Basic Form with Our Name, Address, and Vehicle License Plate Number. We then Drove Through the Gate then there was a Beat Up Old Metal Lock Box on Passenger Side which We deposited the Form along with the $10 Entrance Fee. This Pissed ME off because its a fucking Campground so Why the fuck are They charging $5 per Person just to Enter? Who or What the fuck do They think They Are some Trendy fucking Nightclub or Some Shit? I dunno but I digress.

20 Feet into the Park and I’m already Stressed Out by the Absolute Clustfuck Labyrinth Arrangement of the RVs/Campsites. Instead of using the Traditional Tried and True Lay Out in a Grid Pattern with Neat Rows of RVs/Campsites with Adequate Streets running Between the Rows. This Campground looked as if the Owner had Squeezed every last Camper/RV/Campsite They could onto the Property to Maximize Their Profits. This created a Chaotically Disorganized Landscape of Oddly Angled Cramped RVs/Campsites that were packed so Close Together that if You stepped out Your Door You’d be a approximately 2 Feet From Your Neighbor. Privacy seemed to be Totally Non Existent, and that would Definitely Drive Me fucking Insane as I relish My Privacy.

To make Shit even More Nerve Racking there was a Main Road and I use that word Loosely that ran Around the Entire Perimeter of the Park. If You actually wanted to Access Anything in the Park You had to Navigate a the Maze of Haphazardly Placed RVs/Campsites using a Cramped Network of Streets that in Reality were Glorified Dirt Paths wide Enough for a Single Golf Cart to Drive on. One Thing We noted was to further Aggravate Me and the Situation Itself was There was the Utter and Total Lack of Signage so We had No fucking Clue where We were or Where We were fucking going. Meanwhile as We drove at a Whopping 3 Miles an Hour since I Drive A Half Ton Dodge Ram 1500 Pick Up Truck, and since Whoever Designed the Campground had Miserable Concept of Spacial Recognition ever Where We went was the Definition of a Tight fucking Fit. The Campground Layout was Completely fucking Random, but there were Other Exacerbating Factors We had to Content with.

The First Issue was there was a Ton fuck of People there were Walkers, Joggers, Men, Women, Kids, Senior Citizens, and Pets Milling around. Now with all of the Randomly Placed RVs/Campsites all I could think was “Holy Shit this is a fucking reciepy for a fucking Disaster. The Whole Time at any Second I expected Someone or Something to Walkout into the Street without even considering They could be Hit/Run Over by My Big Ass Truck. Then there were the goddamn Golf Carts that were all over the Place, and Who’s Occupants were Annoyed They were Forced to Pull off to the Side of the “Road” to make Room for My Big Goddamn Truck. That and Every Golf Cart seemed to be Driven by an Oblivious Idiot (Most were Deep into a Day Drinking Drunk as at Least 1 of Every 3 People I saw were Holding Beers) who had the Attention Span of a fucking Goldfish. The Day Drinking Drunks weren’t just Idly Driving around in Golf Carts They seemed to make Up a Majority of the People Staying at the Campground. Again All I could think is that One of These Dipshit Drunks would Stumble or Fall Flat on Their Face in the Road and End Up being Run the fuck Over (and more than Likely Killed).

There was one thing Though that I did find Fascinating and that was that the Campground was Over Run with Rabbits. I’m Not talking the Normal Wild American Rabbit Species You’re accustomed to seeing Oh No these were Some Breed of Domesticated Rabbits. They came in a Variety of Colors, Pure Black, Black and White, Tan, Brown, Tan with Brown Markings Etc., and these fuckers were so goddamn Big You could have Picked One Up and Cradled it like a fucking Baby. No One in the Park in the Campground even Acknowledged the Rabbits Presence Though They were Everywhere. The Rabbits were Laying in the Road, Running Between or Under RVs, Hanging Out in Small Groups on Spontaneous Grassy Plots located around the Park.

The Other Weird thing was I had never Heard about the Campground Rabbits and I’m a Local. Usually when Places have an Unusual Oddity such as these Rabbits the Business uses it as a Promotional Tool to Cash in on the Eccentricity, but Apparently Not in this Case. I even Hit Up Ye Old Internet the Next Day to see if I could find any Information on these Mysterious Rabbits. While there were Slews of Reviews that all Mentioned or at Least Alluded to the Rabbits but that was All. I posted on one of the sites asking if Anyone Knew the Origin Story behind the Rabbits, Yet Unfortunately I fucking Forgot the Specific Website (and was Unable to Locate it at a Later Date). I figure Especially being in the Country that these Rabbits had been Kept for as Show Rabbits, Raised as Farm Rabbits, Raised for Food, or Possible as Pets. As these things Go I believe some of the Rabbits Escaped and spawned a Full Blown Breeding Rabbit Population. I still am curious as fuck to Know the Exact Details and will Keep Seeking Out Any and All Information Pertaining to the Campground Rabbits.

After Roaming around this Campsite Hellscape We rather quickly came to the Conclusion that We would just Head to the Show Venue (wherever the hell it was) because Meeting Up with Dee Dee was a Virtual Impossibility. We continued to Drive meandering to and fro until Thank fucking Christ We found the Venue sheerly by Chance. We pulled into the Grass Parking Lot, and I immediately Noticed things were Not as We had Anticipated Not in the Least. When We Pulled into the Lot We saw a Large Cinder Block Building Painted a Nauseating Shade of Pink. I assume the Building originally was a Garage for Maintenance/Groundkeepers Lawn Mowers and other Tools of the Trade. I thought this because there was a rather Large Garage Door that was wide Open and We could See (and Hear) the Band doing Their Soundcheck. Now it was 7:40 pm and the Show was set to Start at 8pm on the Dot, But the One thing We didn’t See was Anyone Else. The Parking Lot with the Acceptation of My Wife and I was Completely Empty there wasn’t a Single Person to be Seen.

Eventually a Small Handful of Campground Campers trickled in on Their Golf Carts. We Spoke with a Man familiar with the Campground and asked what the fuck was the Deal since We had Obviously made the wrong assumption with the whole Tail Gating thing. He informed Us that there wasn’t any Tail Gating and the Campground Owners would Toss You out and Ban You for Life if They Caught You. I’ll be fucking Damned if I get thrown out of a fucking Campground that’s for Sure. Then He informs Us that They do Sell Beer there accept its Cheap Shitty Beer in Clear Plastic BBQ Cups all White Trash and shit. I am a Beer Lover but after already Buying a Case of Good Beer sure as Hell didn’t want to have to Sell Out more Cash especially for Horse Piss Beer. Lastly the Man Mentioned there was a goddamn Cover Charge in Addition to the $10 Park Admittance Fee. This Seriously Chapped My Ass I mean I paid $10 already just to get into this Hellhole 3 Ring Shit Show of a Campground, and the Idea of having to Pay a Cover well Fuck and That.

At 8:15 pm I decided it was time to Re-Evaluate the Situation. Since I tend to be Anti Social and Standoffish so I felt I had to Lawyer My Point. I pointed out that Perhaps making Plans Late at Night at the Bar while Drunk wasn’t the Optimal Scenario for making Plans. Also We didn’t have Dee Dee’s Phone Number or Campsite Number and We didn’t even have a Clue where the Laundry was (which if You remember was Our one and only Reference Point). I then Proceeded to Point Out the Fact it was a Lame Local Bar Band so it wasn’t Worth it Literally and Figuratively. I added to that its a really bad sign when You show up for a Concert Twenty Minutes before the Show Starts and there is No One There. I made sure to point out that the Few People who Finally Showed Were Campers Not Locals, and if We wanted to get to Know More People talking to Vacationing Campers was a Waste of fucking Time. My Wife being the Optimist suggested We wait a Little Longer before Leaving just to See if Things Picked Up and being the Pessimist I reluctantly Agreed. At 8:30 pm My Wife Agreed with Me that it was Time to Throw in the Towel and Call it Quits.

In the End We left the Campground and Drove over to Our Favorite Watering Whole Timeout Tavern and Proceeded to have a Ultimately Awesome Evening. I have yet to see Dee Dee again but I’m sure I will in Time, and When I do I can’t wait to ask Him What The Fuck the Whole Ordeal was About. Until then it was a Intensely Bizarre Adventure and at Least it makes for an Interesting fucking Story.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

Living In A Small Town: Friday Night Down At Timeout Tavern

There’s a Saying that “There is No Pace to Hide in a Small Town.”, and the Saying couldn’t be Truer. It’s Not the Geographical Confines that make Hiding Hard it’s the Fact that the cliche is True Everyone Knows Everyone Else. Not only that but They know all About Their extended Family, Achievements, Down Falls, The Good, The Bad, and all the Bullshit In-between. You see Gossip is the Social Currency of the South that the Majority of the Population Banks On. I’m Not necessarily bitching Here because I knew this before Ever Moving to the Souther Country, and as such Deemed it as Something that comes with the Territory.

Last Year Timeout Tavern Opened providing the Town with it’s First Actual Bar and Local Drinking Hole. Not only did Timeout Tavern Open in a Small Town it did so During the Pandemic, and it Thrived mainly due to the Locals being to Stupid for Their Own Good (I guess it falls Under doing Something Good (supporting Your Local Businesses) for the Wrong Reason (IT’S CALLED QUARANTINE). Anyway I digress. Luckily Timeout Tavern and Most of the Locals Survived the Brunt of 2020, and is Doing Better than Ever in all Honesty. I attribute the Tavern’s Success to One Main Factor and that being that Before Opening the Owner did Her Homework. She got a Lay of the Land if You Will Seeing what the Market was like and Moreover what People where Looking for. In a Small Town a Bar is more than just Booze it’s the fucking Entertainment Center for the Entire fucking Town.

You have to Remember Small Towns literally Shut the fuck Down at 6pm and there is No Night Life to Speak Of. Thus Timeout Tavern provides Booze Obviously as well as Food (Up until there Opening all We fucking had as a Stellar Chinese Takeout Restaurant as Our Sole Option), There Pool Tables since the Locals love Killing Time at the Pool Table, Special Events like Ladies Night, Karaoke Thursday Nights, and Live Bands every Saturday as Far as providing a Variety of Entertainment Options. It should also be Noted that in a Part of the Country still Languishing in its Love of Tobacco the Owner researched the Local Laws Pertaining to Smoking, and Established a way for Patrons to Smoke inside.

Finally After My Wife and I were Fully Vaccinated and it had been the Full 2 weeks Post Second Injection had an Opportunity to Check Out the Timeout Tavern for Ourselves. It’s a Nice Bar nothing fucking Special, but its definitely not some Shitty Hole in the Wall. The Owner and Bartenders are about the Nicest fucking People I have ever had the Pleasant Surprise of Meeting. The Patrons are made of Locals from Town as well as the Neighboring Town being that its only 8 Miles Down the Road. Everyone is friendly as fuck and Buying Shots for One another is a Very Popular thing to Do. So Since My Wife’s Work Schedule has Relaxed a bit We have gotten into the Habit of Hitting Up Timeout Tavern on Friday Nights, and this Friday was No Exception.

The thing that Stands Out as Odd as far as Timeout Tavern is Concerned is in a Small Town full of Blue Collar Laborers (and Avid Church Goers) is the it gets Busier the Later it Gets, and Timeout Tavern is Open till 2 am or Later if Business is Booming so to Speak. I figured the Peak Hours would be from 5pm the Time most People Around Here Clock Out for the Day and perhaps 10:30-11:00 pm Tops. The Truth of the Matter is Timeout Tavern Business Starts Picking Up around 9:30 or so. It Picks up to the Point where there’re Three times as Many People there When We Leave then when We Arrived.

This Works well Because There need to be Enough People for Me to People Watch and be Entertained, but Once it Starts getting Crowded (like Saturdays with the Live Bands and All) I get fucking Irritated and Leave. I Don’t like People though I can Tolerate Them for Shorter Periods of Time. I hate being Packed in a Loud and Noisy Bar like fucking Cattle with No Personal Space to Speak Of. Also the More People that come is Directly related to the Volume of the Music in the Bar so More People the Louder the Music. I am a music Lover No Doubt but I can’t fucking Stand it being so Loud I can’t Hear what the fuck People are Saying to Not being able to Think Straight. To Me that’s Not Fun thats fucking Irritating to No End.

When We Arrived there was a Handful of People there as Per Usual and We sat down across the Bar from a Big Old Country Boy and Who I believe was His Father (all I know is it was Some Silver Haired Weathered Looking Biker who He seemed Quite Comfortable with). Time went by uneventfully for the Most Part until a Moronic Immature Man-Child came in and got Too Drunk for His Own Good. Then the Sloppy Drunk Juvenile Jackass insulted the Poor Bartender when He ordered a Round of what is called “The Fat Hooker”. This Feeble Minded Fool is so Intoxicated He kept calling the Shot a “Fat Whore”, and then Announced to Everyone Near by that He had Never bought Anyone a Fat Whore, and that the Skinny Whore (the Bartender) was going to get it. The Bartender wasn’t taking shit from Anyone especially this Binge Drinking Dipshit so She went on the War Path while the Rest of the Bar got Her Back. Once the Dumbfuck put His Tail between His Legs and made a Quick Exist it turned out An Older Man there was the Drunken Dick’s Boss who Informed Us all that the Guy was a Bratty Son of a Bitch who has been Leeching Off His Dad like a White Trash Trust Fund Baby.

Once the Drunken Idiot Issue was resolved everything went back to a Normal Bar and all was Well. Then at One Point I noticed the Big Old Country Boy Stood Up and Started to Walk Towards Me with Purpose. Due to His rather Large Size it Didn’t take Him long to End up Standing Directly Next to Me on the Right. Now here was what was Going on in My Mind at this Point:

Did I do Something to Offend/Insult this Guy and Now He wants to fucking Fight Me?
If He does want to Fight So Be It, but I’ll need an Equalizer due to the Drastic Size Differential so I’d most likely Hit Him with My Beer Bottle at the First Sign of Trouble.
Did I meet this Guy before at the Bar and was So Drunk I simply Forgot and Now I’m going to have to Try and Bullshit My way Through this Encounter?
Is This Guy just Simply trying to be Friendly and Introduce Himself?
Is This Guy a Cop?
Is This Guy going to Try and Sell Me Weed?

Luckily for Me the Big Old Country Boy stated His Purpose/Intent without an awkward Delay. He asked Me if “My Mom was Still Out at The Plantation?” which at First Confused Me. I then Realized He meant My Mom’s Family Farm that was (even though My Mother hates to Admit it) an Actual Plantation. So I replied that Yes She was, and He goes on to tell Us that He’s a General Contractor Who Four Years Ago My Mom had Called to Repair a Botched Job with Her Upstairs Shower that Occurred During Installation. Not just that but He had come over to say Hello because He remembered My Wife and I from Our Wedding Photos Hanging in My Mom’s Farmhouse. Apparently My Mom had made a Lasting Impression that She is a Nice Lady, but You sure as Hell wouldn’t want to make an Enemy of Her. I definitely couldn’t Argue since He was Absolutely right My Mom can be Your Biggest Ally or Your Biggest Enemy. Simply My Mother is a fucking Force of Nature Not to be Contented with. I couldn’t Help finding it Funny that My Mom has some Serious Country Style Street Credit.

The Part of the Conversation that I found More than Entertaining (and Equally Interesting to Learn) was when He said “Your Mother called Me in for a Tiling Job for Her upstairs Shower that the Original Guy(s) fucked up, She Didn’t Say that Mind You, but You knew thats what She Meant.” You know You’re a fucking Bad ass when You Don’t even have to Drop an F-Bomb, Yet People Still Fully Understand What Your Saying and That You’re Not to be Trifled with. It reminds Me of Actor Kevin Spacey’s unique Brand of Controlled Rage where He Doesn’t Yell or Lash Out, but You know He’s Dead fucking Serious. At this point I decided to properly Introduce Myself and found out the Man’s Name is Wade. The Funny thing is Wade also informed us “I know where You live Too.” because He apparently liked the House We bought and was even Considering Possibly Buying it Himself. That and Wade Literally Lives on My Street which is Why He extended an Open Invitation to Stop on By when I see Him working in His Garage.

My Wife told Wade the Story of How one of the First things We did Prior to Moving in Full Time was We replaced the Upstairs Toilet. Since We Don’t have Trash Pick Up of Any Kind We had to load the Crapper into the Car and Drop it Off at the Local Trash Dump. The Dump is actually a Parking lot filled with Various Dumpsters for Various Things (like Yard Waste, Old Tires, Metal etc.) and Two Trash Compacters that sit Side By Side. The Reason I mention this is to Distinguishing Our Dump from the Usual Trash Dump People think of thats Archers of Trash Piled High as Mountains. Once My Brother’s Wife’s Father came to Visit and Thought the Dump was the Typical Giant Putrid Mountain Range of Garbage, and got excited about Going Down to the Dump to Shoot Rats like He did as a Kid. The fucking Bizarre thing is When I was carrying the Toilet to the Appropriate Dumpster a Man who was a Complete Stranger approached Me and said “So You’re the Ones that Bought the House on Such and Such Street.” which Blew My Mind because again I never seen this fucking Guy before in My Life. That was My First Real Lesson in What living in a Small Town is Actually like in Reality.

After Our Chat Wade Returned to His Side of the Bar, and My Wife and I spent a few Minutes discussing How fucking Uniquely Strange Living in a Small Town is because Shit like this happens Frequently. I’m from Up North where You don’t even Look at Your Neighbor more or Less Conversate with Them. Where I grew Up You just ignored the Hell out of Your Neighbors under the guise that Neighbors are Typically More Trouble than They’re Worth. I then glanced at My Phone to check the Text Messages, and when I looked up I Saw Wade Pointing at My Wife in the Classic “You want a Shot I’m Buying.” Stance. My Wife Doesn’t start Drinking Until She is Ready In Spite of Being at a Bar so She Replied that She wasn’t Currently Drinking but Thank You just the Same. Wade then immediately Turned His Attention to Me and Boisterously Announced “I Know His Mom, I Know He Needs a Shot!” Which is the Country Version of Respectfully Busting Your Balls so I didn’t get all Bent About it in the Least. In Fact it was just the Opposite I said He was definitely correct and received My Free Shot.

Later on the Bartender Stopped by and Dropped Off a Beer and told Me that it was from Wade. I thanked Wade Who responded by Saying Loudly “He’s a Good Guy and a Good Guy to know since He’ll be Running Everything Someday.” which is Pretty Accurate. What Wade was alluding to is He is a Contractor, My Mom’s Farm always has Work that Needs to be Done, and when the Time Comes I will be in Charge of it all. This is Almost Totally accurate accept Wade seems to be Unaware I have a Younger Brother Who will be Running the Farm Jointly with Me. The Irony is My Mother’s current and Long Time Contractor is getting Close to Retiring especially since His Life of Physical Labor is taking a Heavy Toll on His Health (His Back is Shot to Shit). So crossing Paths with Wade at this Time was Perfect since We will be needing a New Contractor in the Near Future once the Current one Calls it Quits at Last.

So as I have Adjusted (and still am Honestly) to Small Town Life I never thought I’d be the One to say it, But Small Town Life is Easy Living. I never in mY wildest fucking Dreams thought I’d ever Settle Down in a Small Town and Not Only Not Hate it, but Come to Embrace it as well. I suppose its Life’s way of Letting You Know that it’s in the Drivers Seat Regardless of What You may Think or have Planned.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober