Tag: Traffic stop

Stupid shit I do when I get bored

What sucks so fucking bad about boredom is its boring and is know so by all who have ever existed. The best weapon in the arsenal of entertainment is to just make your own when all else falls flat on its face like your drunk uncle. I like to believe that I have redefined the concept of self entertainment when it comes to the stupid shit I do when I have to combat bored. I’ll let you be the judge. Bring on the list lets see that motherfucker!

The stupid shit I do when I get bored list:

  • Just the other day I had bought a rubber band gun to dissuade our upiity ass new kitten from misbehaving (main offense antagonizing the fuck out of the older house cat). I decided to load the gun with as many rubber bands as I fucking possibly could so I sat there adding one after the other until I had reached maximum capacity. That night as per usual the kitten started acting like a insane idiot and I was engaged in hunting her down to adviser her to cease and desist. Well if you have ever looked for a cat you already know that cats can be elusive motherfuckers when they want to be. Ninjas don’t have shit on cats its a fact so look it up. Anyway I colluded locate her and I have no idea why (it wasn’t fucking premeditated is all) when I passed my wife laying on the couch I yelled “SNATCH SHOT!” and unloaded ever last one of the rubber bands into my wife’s crotch. She had been engrossed in some YouRube video so she was startled as fuck and none too happy.

      

  • This week while keeping my wife company while grocery shopping a boring activity if there ever fucking was one am I right? Yeah I am. Anyways as my wife was selecting a piece of cow meat we would be dinning on that evening I saw a price tag. I don’t even remember what kind of meat it was but if I had to guess it was some pork tenderloin or something similar I suppose. The price was $6.96 and agin for no rhyme or reason I suddenly hauled the hell off and punched the shit out of that pork tenderloin thing. I then picked it up and loudly announced to my fellow shoppers “696 OFFEND MY FAMILY AND INSULTS OUR HONOR!”
  • A Frequent habit I have had for a  extremely long ass time is when I’m out shopping with any doesn’t matter who the hell it is I start sneaking the most fucking random items into the cart when they aren’t looking (like a fucking cat). Then at check out I watch as they unload their shit at check out and discover my additions to their carts one by one intermediately through out the checking out process. You see you have to make sure as shit you dispense the various ass items in at different times and in different parts of the cart to fully drag the awkward confusion out.
  • Once in a while I’ll go to Dick’s sporting goods acting like an unhappy and irate customer with an ax to grind. I then when I encounter the first fucking employee I can demand that I talk to someone with authority. That means I want to talk to the biggest dick there.

   

  • I enjoy tracking down owners of Badcock Furniture Stores and inquiring why they haven’t legally changed their name from Badcock to something more flattering and advantageous. I then give examples such as Bigcock, Hugecock, Monstercock, Giantcock, Bigoldcock, or Giantcock.
  • I once in a blue moon if I’m in a store such as HomeDepot I like to wander over to the appliance section and find dishwashers, refrigerators , washing machines etc. Once I’m there I wait milling around aimlessly until no one is around and then I fart into the particular appliance.  That way hopefully when the next person opens it to check it out it smells like ass inside.
  • When it comes to farting I also enjoy walking down the aisle of a store, stopping momentarily, farting, and walking away to an observation point. So then all I have to do is watch different shopper’s reactions when they walk through it. If they’re alone they’re all “what’s that pungent stench?”or if their with other people “Which one of these people I’m with is farting the place up?”
  • I have the juvenile habit of walking past friends who are sitting so I can fart in their face and ask “So what I have for lunch?!”
  • I tell people from time to time that I’m a doctor and when they ask what kind of doctor I am I tell them I’m a doctor of doctoring. You’d be fucking surprised how many people never question that statement as it sounds like some odd ass medical shit (and we all know how odd medical shit so lets just fucking admit it).
  • I have over the years also added a second version of the being a doctor of doctoring or more like a definition as it were. I explain that a doctor of doctoring is an extremely elite specialist who only treats other doctors.

  • I have been know to call church’s in the area and ask them why they seem to be having such a hard time finding Jesus.
  • Having some telemarketing experience I will cold call people and ask then to participate in a market research survey. The survey then turns out to be some ridiculous shit like with equally stupid questions. Examples of some such questions: “Have you ever taken part in any kind of spaghetti wrestling, and if yes were the noodles Ramen noodles?!” or “If one in the hand is better than two in the bush how do you feel about this exchange rate?”
  • I am a fan of hassling pescatarians about eating fish. Pescatarians are and I quote “People who do not eat meat, but they do eat fish.” So what the fuck are they classifying fish as? Fish isn’t a fruit, it isn’t a vegetable or dairy product so what the fuck do they mean?! Fish are living, breathing, breeding creatures with a natural life cycle so if they aren’t meat WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY THEN?!!
  • I get a kick out of sending take out food from one restaurant and have it delivered to another restaurant. There’s no purpose here other than for fucking laughs. The idea of the confusion and befuddling of staff by sending a Sushi platter to a Mexican restaurant or Indian food to a Italian restaurant is the motivator.

  • I have shit in inappropriate areas like parking lots, public fountains, people’s front lawns or some other common space area. When I’m confronted for my righteous public pooping I explain I was raised by Wild Animals (the animal changes regularly) and that’s how I learned to shit. That or I explain I’m from a poor ass family in Appalachia who lived in a one room shack so we were raised to just shit outside.
  • I used to call 411 and ask irrelevant questions like “Why does my dick look like a pickle its all green and bumpy?!”
  • I have on occasion called PetSmart or PetCo’s grooming department as a possible new client inquiring about their shrives and prices. I then ask them how much would it cost for my Bearded Dragon a haircut.
  • I’ve called random New Yorkers and asked why so they such bad insomnia in Ny since NY is the city that never sleeps?!
  • Occasionally I will go into fast food restaurant restrooms, go into one of the stalls, kneel down (have to make it realistic people!), and start making horribly violent vomiting sounds.
  • A couple of times I called Catholic churches pretending to be a Child Abuse/Anti-Pedophilia Charity soliciting donations.
  • I frequently punch packaged meat in grocery stores while yelling “ADRIAN!!”
  • I once called an abortion clinic to inquire about aborting my older brother.
  • I have told (and tried to convince) people I was born I believed myself into existence.

      

  • I like to call Law Firms/ Lawyers and to inquire about filing a restraining order on the grounds of sexual harassment against myself since I’m self employed.
  • I take one of those DNA or Ancestry tests and when the results finally arrive I harass customer service over the fact the test failed to prove my relation to Bigfoot.
  • I enjoy insisting to people that if latin is a dead language than anyone who still uses it (like doctors or lawyers for example) is in fact dead.
  • Several times I have gone to the zoo for the sole purpose of flinging my feces at the monkeys.
  • When bored I indulge in my favorite hobby: Douche Spotting.
  • I have demanded to know from soccer moms why there aren’t any other sports moms like Baseball moms and all that shit?!
  • I once stood outside of a sperm bank offering people going in free samples of my sperm.
  • A few times I have gone to sex anonymous meeting and handed out condoms, lube, and Lithuanian Viagra.

    

  • One of my personal favorite things to do when I get bored is probably the easiest (and shall well say “less objectionable” selections on this list). Step One  I briskly walk up to strangers with my hand up with pointer finger fully extended. Step 2 When I reach then I look in their eyes and squint as if I recognize them, but can’t remember their name. Step 3 I open my mouth as if I’m about to say something. Step 4 abruptly I close my mouth, look away, lower my hand, and briskly walk off. Now some people may be tempted to add an addition intro phrase such as “Excuse Me….” or “I just noticed….” this is fucking stupid because the point is too leave the person confused as fuck. Once you have walked off you want the said person to wonder who you were and more over what the hell were you about to say to them. The addition of words defeats the point so yeah there’s that.
  • I tend to when I get bored go to a local food store or grocery and create a godawful fucking scene by openly debating (to the point of rage) what the difference is between a Burrito and a Chimichanga is.
  • I get a kick out of telling fellow bar patrons that my favorite specialty drink I ever had was The Pale of Champale at_____ (Insert fictional place of choice), and then explain it’s a pale like you’d see at your garden variety hardware store filled to the brim with Champale.
  • Once in a while when I get bored I make a scene in public trying to literally kiss my own ass goodbye after just receiving some serious bad news from my doctor.

  • Quite often I go to my local gym and sit around eating the most unhealthy fatty food that couldn’t possible have another calorie added to it. When the gym rats and regulars get all bent out of shape about it. When they approach me about why I’m there I can tell them I’m an amateur sumo wrestler, and that I’m in training for the next Olympics because if I win a medal I can go pro.
  • Once many moons ago when I got bored I poured a shot of some rank cheap as bottom barrel bourbon, gargled with it, and then spit it out. I them poured beer into my hand and rubbed it through my hair and beard. Then for good measure I dribbled some beer down the front of my shirt. Next I drove around town until I saw a cop at which point I start to drive erratically until they pull me over. They get one wife of the booze and yank my ass out of the car for a sobriety test which I pass with flying fucking colors mind you. The cop will gets twisted because he/she can’t understand what the hell is happening. They will inevitable ask why you wreck of alcohol but are as sober as a goddamn judge. That when I replied “Well I’m tonight’s designated distraction.” WARNING: if the cop is an unforgiving prick you can be ticked or even taken into custody for this SO DO NOT TRY THIS ANYWHERE AT ANYTIME. THERE I LEGALLY COVERED MY ASS!

 

  • I call an import/export company and export some random shit. Then I call back the next day and hire them to specifically import everyone of the exports I sent out the pervious day.
  • I have been known when I get bored to call local businesses (especially malls) who have signs stating that pets aren’t allowed accept for seeing eye dogs, and ask them who the signs are for?! I then point out that the blind person in question can’t see nor read the sign because they are fucking blind. Meanwhile the seeing eye dog can’t read the sign so maybe a fucking sign falls a little fucking short of effective.
  • I make up absurd historical facts and attempt to convince them its true. For example the crock pot was derived from the ancient crotch pot. The crotch pot was a small clay jar that people kept between their legs for 12 -16 hours to heat the food contained within. To sell this one you can site the fact that Ancient Mongolian Warriors would take a piece of raw meat, stick it between the horse and the saddle to “cook” it. Then just google it and use it as an example of primitive cooking methods.
  • I hangout at local dog parks posing as a parks department employee who has been hired by the city to scoop the dog poop at the dog park. The reason the position was created was due to the increasing incidents of people getting in fist fights with other dog owners who use the park, but don’t pick up after their fucking dog. After I explain the position I then inform whomever I’m speaking with that while I’m a official  parks employee I work for tips due to department budget cuts.

 

  • If I get bored on vacation I just load up a bunch of scuba diving gear and other aquatic gadgets and head to the nearest lake. I then get in the water and start to act like a bonafide lunatic setting ups ll kinds of weird camera apparatus and drawing a lot of attention. That way when the people around me work up the courage/nerve to inquire as to what the hell I’m up to I tell them I’m hunting the Lock Ness Monster. When they point out that I’m not at Loch Ness the lake where the Loch Ness monster is alleged to reside I claim that the Loch Ness Monster has a distinct migratory pattern. It uses this unique migration  pattern to migrate from lake to lake around the world to avoid detection. This is why no one has been able to find or present any evidence of the Loch Ness monster’s existence.
  • I am found of logging onto dating websites so I can brag that I’m depended from a long historical line of bathroom attendants.

I think that’s enough for now so…

See you later,

by Justine Sane  

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (52/365)

“Relax it’s a Cliche Cop Tactic. While He runs Our names for outstanding Warrants and the Like He is also watching Us intently.” said Lee breaking His self imposed Silence.

“Why is He watching Us He already pulled Us over. What need would there be for Him to watch Us?” asked the Driver Nervously His voice wavering slightly with Anxiety and a little Angst.

“He’s watching Us and Intentionally taking His Time. He’s doing it to make Us Tense, I mean that’s the Point. If We get Nervous because say We have Something to Hide or Especially if We’re Guilty of Something We would undoubtedly Crack under the Pressure. And When We cracked We’d fuck up Some How You know like Give Something Away. We could Panic and make a Run for it, We could Nervously glance over at the Car or Something Similar. That’s the Guilty Mentality Our beloved Cop Friend is Currently Searching for.” chimed in Dizzy His Voice Flat and Monotone having been greatly Sobered by the Run in with the Law.

           

The Trio returned to quietly Sitting on the Curb as They waited for the Cop to Return with His Verdict on If/ Who could possible be in Legal Trouble as a Result of the Situation. As Lee sat He couldn’t help thinking to Himself this, THIS was the Part of being Pulled Over He Hated the Most of All. The Public Shaming that Occurs when You’re Pulled Over is what Lee found to be Utterly Embarrassing. Sitting in Your Car or Worse in this Case on the fucking Curb as an Onslaught of Other People as They Drive by Rubber Necking like the Motherfuckers They Are.

The fucking Hypocrisy of it struck a Nerve in Lee like a 12 Pound Sledge Hammer. All These People Driving by with look of Condemnation or Vague Disgust as if They had never been Pulled Over before at some fucking Point in Their Lives. How quickly They forgot the Humiliation of being Treated like a fucking Idiot by a Callous Uncaring Cop aside from the Parade of Pretentious Pricks Driving by Leering Away. People are Shit Lee summized once Again when The Cop Finally came Striding back Over walking Heavily so His Boots made a Deep, but Audible Thumping sound as He Clomped Across the Asphalt like an asshole.

           

“Alright Listen Up as I’m saying this Once and Once Only. Benny (which was the Driver’s Name if Dizzy or Lee had actually asked Him) if there is a Victim in this Scenario then it’s You. Obviously theses to Gentlemen are Obviously Intoxicated, and They’re Bigger than You so They just Bullied You into this Idiocy to begin with. My Point is I have No doubt You didn’t participate willingly.”said the Cop matter of Factly without Blinking an Eye.

The Cop then Dismissed Benny who got in His Car and drove off as Fast as He dared. The Cop then told Dizzy and Lee They could Stand if They wished. Lee was instantly Irritated by the Cop’s Statement. What the fuck was the Point OF COURSE They rather Stand like Men then be Assigned to Sit on the Curb like a Misbehaving Kid.

“As for You Two I’m going to Let You Off with a Stern Warning. I really don’t have the Time to Attend to Juvenile Bullshit when there is REAL Crimes being Committed. So I suggest You do One of Two things Gentlemen You either Go Home and Sleep it Off, Or if You insist on Going Out there is a Bus Stop right around the Corner. And let ME make this ABUNDANTLY CLEAR if I have to Deal with You Two Again I will Arrest You I Guarantee You That.” said The Cop in a seriously Authoritative Tone as He stared at Dizzy and Lee unflinchingly.

           

Stay Tuned For The Next Volatile Installment Of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (53/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober.

The 1st Amendment & Cops Don’t Mix.

I have been waiting for a situation to present itself so I could argue my point and that being The 1st Amendment & Cops Don’t Mix. Well low and behold that situation I had been waiting for for so long finally arrived.

My Wife and I were driving through the neighboring town where my relative lives. We where on our way to their house because they were in Portugal on vacation, and they needed someone to feed the cat/water the plants while they were away. We had stopped off at the one and only Pizza Parlor to pick up a Pizza and when we pulled out of the parking lot I saw the Cop car sitting at the top of a side street with their lights off. The first thought that came to my mind was GODDAMN TRAFFIC BANDITS, FUCKING ROAD PIRATES! The Second was their unofficial require monthly quota of traffic tickets still existed regardless of its unofficial status. The third and the last thought was based on the so called “Gut Feeling” that I have had sporadicly from time to time throughout my life. Again the feeling was right . As soon as our rear bumper had passed by the front of their patrol car the motherfuckers pulled out with their shitty disco lights a blaze.

We were going a whopping 14 miles an hour (the town speed limit is 30 and every local knows the Cops set up speed traps and do traffic stops all along the main road.), but in this case we had just pulled out of the Pizza Parlor’s parking lot and had only driven 100 feet or so before getting tagged by the cocksucking cops.

The Cops then without pause turned on their PA system and told us over the loud speaker (incase we didn’t know because we’re utter fucktards what was going on or what to do) that we had to pull over. Main street is too narrow for there to be a traffic stop on the side of the road without impending traffic. So We were then instructed by said Cops to pull into the drive way on the right (which ironically was the local Police station/Court house/Town Hall/Jail) and we did. My Wife for some reason decided to pull over and put the car in park as opposed to the usual pulling over and turning the car/engine off. She then scrambled around the trash dump that is the interior of her car for all her proper paperwork, and luckily found it all in spite of the overwhelming mounds of trash.

The Cop strolled up to the drivers side of the car and addressed my Wife in the classic manner saying hey and asking for her drivers license, Proof of insurance and registration. My Wife being so polite it was making me ill immediately hands over all the appropriate requested information. The Cop then demanded to know if there were drugs/guns/explosives or any type of weapon/contraband in the car. I took acceptation to his overtly assertive Cop attitude, and opted to use my 1st amendment right to free fucking speech. I said No over my Wife and proceeded to let the Cops know they can search the car and us because there wasn’t shit on us. I did this because I hate how Cops are always trying to intimidate civilians in these and other situations. Heres a fun fucked up fact to prove what I just said to be true. First off to be a State Trooper you have to be 6 feet taller or taller. This is solely so when the Trooper is standing outside of your car they look more intimidating on purpose. State Troopers also use basic psychology for intimidation purposes such as wearing sunglasses. Its a scientific biological fact that if 2 people are talking and the 1st one is wearing sun glasses thus obscuring their eyes the 2nd one will become naturally unnerved as humans relay on eye contact quite heavily in social situations, but I digress.

The Cop falls into the stereotypical threatening Cop routine. The Cop aggressively tells us there trying to do things the easy way but they could do it the hard way. He then went on to explain that meant they’d search the car and us, call in a fucking K-9 unit and possibly arrest us solely based on our behavior while dealing with them (AKA Be Submissive like a scared fucking dog) This is when I took acceptation to the COp’s partner standing over my shoulder with his fucking  super duper halogen flash fucking light.

At this point I tried to reel myself in a bit and did my guttural mumbling. What guttural mumbling is my affectionate term for when I talk in a low, deep voice stringing along my words so only if you REALLY KNOW ME you’ll know what I’m saying. Think of it as me talking in my own personal short hand if you will. My Wife after 14 years of knowing me has the most expertise understanding/deciphering this garbled code of mine. I leaned over and said “Look Motherfucker What You Bout asshole” which simple translates to “Look at this motherfucker over here by me doing the whole unflinching authority rediric bullshit the fucking asshole that this asshole is. Fucking Asshole.” For the duration of this post I will simply write the translated version as not to tax the readers eyes unnecessarily.

The 1st Cop heres me but can’t for the life of himself figure out what the hell I’m saying, BUT he really wanted to know. So he asked me what I said and I responded by saying “I know its a safety issue with a broken tail light and should be fixed ASAP, but I don’t understand nor appreciate the overly aggressiveness nature of your handling it with, thats what I;m taking goddamn acceptation too.” The Cop obviously didn’t appreciate my response and launches into the “Is there and Drugs…in the Car” again to which I respond to ahead and search away, you won’t find shit and I can workout any legalities with my Attorney tomorrow.” Now the Cop REALLY didn’t like that answer. So the Cop actually says to my wife that I’m making them  nervous, and of course I had something to say about that shit. I told the Cop I think its fucking hilarious that there 2 grown men armed with Handguns, Mace, Night Stick/Baton and more than likely a shotgun in their car, BUT I’M making THEM Nervous? Seriously thats fucking moronic. The Cop continues to address my wife about what I’m saying and how its fucking everything up apparently when I made a second comment about his Partner still standing behind me unflinching like a fucking Nazi SS solider. As par of the course the Cop then asked me again what I said, and I repeated the same statement as before about dramatic overkill over a simply a broken tail light.

The Cop then suggests I role down my window and talk directly to his partner which quite obviously I didn’t  want to do. I rolled down the window in anywise realizing the Cop wasn’t making a suggestion, he was ordering me to do so. His partner asked why I was being so verbal and I said “Because I  can thanks to the 1st Amendment, and that We weren’t yelling/screaming, keeping cursing on my part to a stricter minimum, we were complying with the officers requests, nor were we being verbally or physically abusive rather I was just stating my opinion. The only issue that I was aware of was the Cops PERSONALLY taking acceptation to my opinions which is fine, BUT COPS LET PERSONAL FEELING DICTATE THERE PROFESSIONAL CONDUCT leading to abuse of power. An PRIME EXAMPLE of this is The Federal Court had to interject and inform the citizens of America that it is TOTALLY LEGAL and the right of every American Citizen to give the Police the middle finger (at any time or place). This was due to the fact Cops were being given the finger, and then in response they harassed the shit out of the person who flipped them off thusly abusing their Professional Power to deal with a Personal Problem.

Needless to say in the end I just opted to keep my mouth shut to avoid a felonious arrest by these Podunk Police Officers. The Cop’s partner went on to explain that he’s there for his partner’s and his safety as they don’t know who or what could be waiting when they walk up to a car. Fine that makes total sense and I totally agree. My point on that subject was it was unnecessarily over bearing and basically a dick move because he remained in his “Defensive Safety” stance far to long to be legitimate. I mean lets fucking face it, while he may be providing safety for himself and his partner the Cop NONE THE LESS was also using his position to visually search me and the interior of the car (i.e. He got real close and shined his fuck light into the glove compartment when My Wife put her personal information away. He was also seeing if his presence made us nervous as if we were hiding something from them, what the fuck happened to INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY?! Seems to me the Cops are conducting themselves under the gneiss of the opposite theory Guilty until proven innocent and THATS BULLSHIT, un-American, UNPROFESSIONAL and leads to POLICE CORRUPTION AND ABUSE, but thats a different story for another day.

Thanks for the Read,

Les Sober