Tag: Vacations

How Is That Dog Not Dead?!

Back when I was a Kid about once a Year or So My Family would load up in the Car and Head to Maine for a Week Long Get a Way. My Parents would rent a House along with Their Friends The Higgins (who had Two Kids yet They were Much Older than Me so They weren’t around A lot), and We would all meet up at the Rental House on the designated Date of Arrival. We wouldn’t do any type of Touristy Cliche Family Oriented bullshit We just enjoyed Nature and Each others Company. It was a Simpler Time for Sure.

This was back in the Day before Dog Boarding became a Trend so My Family would take Our Golden Retriever Tasha along for the Trip with Us. The only issue with having the Tasha with Us on these Trips was She suffered from Extreme Separation Anxiety. Again this was back when People didn’t know what Separation Anxiety even was and, People were Baffled to why They’re Dog’s were being so Neurotic and Destructive. The problem at hand caused Tasha to flip the fuck out when We left the House without Her and She’d bolt around the House knocking over furniture, Breaking Shit, and Chewing the Front Door Frame like a Starving Piranha.

           

Thats wasn’t all it didn’t end with just the Typical Separation Anxiety Behavior like I said earlier Tasha was afflicted with a Extreme Case of Separation Anxiety which caused Her insane Behavior to Escalate beyond belief. Once Tasha had gotten Her self completely Frantic She would actually JUMP THROUGH A WINDOW like some sort of Action Movie. Thus during one of Our later Trips to Maine My Parents and Their Friends went around the Entire House Barricading the Windows like something out of a fucking Zombie Movie. They Blocked Windows with Bookcases and Over Turned Tables among other things until the House felt more like fucking Fort Knox. Satisfied the Dog and House were Safe and Secure We all went out for Dinner at a Local Restaurant without a second thought.

After having Stuffed Ourselves on Lobster and Other types of Maine’s wonderfully Fresh Seafood We headed directly back to the Rental House. When We arrived My Parents were thrilled to see the House hadn’t been Trashed (just minority discombobulated), and there was No Sign of Damage to the Door due to Frenzied Chewing. Everyone was so elated by the fact the House and all its windows were in Tact No One Noticed that Tasha who normally would bum rush Us upon Our return was No Where to be Found. Slowly the Our Group spread Out to investigate, and as the search continued there still was not a single sign of the Dog. My Father then speculated that Tasha being unable to escape by jumping through a fucking Window as Per Usual had retreated Upstairs to hide under a Bed or in a Closet instead.

         

My Father promptly went up stairs to see if His Hypothesis was indeed correct, but the Dog still remained Illusive as Ever. In a matter of no time at all Everyone was upstairs searching under beds, in Closets, under/in piles of discarded Clothes, Bath Tube, and anywhere They could think of that the Dog possibly could be. Again the Search turned up nothing at all and now Everyone felt as if They were losing Their fucking Minds. Everyone split up after the Upstairs Search Party to continue to Search for the Missing Dog. It wasn’t soon before everyone was strolling around the House utterly Befuddled by it all. Everyone of Us ended up pacing around asking questions out loud like “Did We Lock the Back Door?”, “Where could Tasha Be?”, “Where did the Dog disappear to?”, “This doesn’t make sense!” and other such questions.

We were so Confused We unofficially ended Our Search to stand around to staring at one another in a Haze Dumbfounded as Fuck. Now Unfortunately it was son many Moons ago I don’t remember exactly Who Discovered what had Happened to the Mysteriously Missing Canine. All I remember is some one Shouting that they had found out what Happened so the rest of Us once again ran up stairs to see what was going on. The second story of the House had a pretty Basic You went up a stare case and once at the top of the Stairs if You looked directly in front of You there was a Long Narrow Hallway with a Natural Wood Floor that reminded Me of looking down a Bowling Ally Lane. On each side of the Hallway there were Two Bedrooms, and if You looked behind You when You were standing in said Hallway You’d see the Bathroom at one End and a Single Window at the Other.

       

When We all clamored upstairs We were informed that the Dog Tasha had in fact Jumped out of the SECOND STORY Hallway Window. We all instantly looked in the Direction of the Window, and it was indeed Broken like a motherfucker. To make things even more Grim below the Hallway Window was the Front Door where the Owner had installed a rather Large Cement Slab to serve as a Rudimentary Porch/Sitting Area. At that point We had to come to grips with the Sad Fact that Tasha had Jumped out of the Second Story Window (with No Way of Clearing the Cement Slab), and Limped or Crawled Off into the Woods to Die as Dogs are apt to do. The rest of the Night We all sat around forlorn as fuck, and in total disbelief at the situation We had returned to after a Nice Dinner Out. Finally We all concluded it was a freak accident, We were all upset by the series of Events that occurred, and that tomorrow would be a New Day and so We went to Sleep.

My Father had a Life Long Habit of waking up Before the Crack of Dawn Typically around 4:30am while the Rest of Us continued to Slumber for Several more Hours. Once My Father had made His mandatory Cup of Coffee He went to retrieve the Morning Paper, and when He opened the Door the Dog was Sitting there waiting. Not only was Tasha Alive and waiting for My Father to get the Paper She didn’t have a single scratch, Bruise, Not even a Limp after Jumping out the Second Story Window onto a Concrete fucking Slab. When the Rest of Us arose at Last We were treated to this splendid tale of Tasha’s miraculous (and equally unreal) Return.

          

Tasha lived out the Rest of Her life without issue and passed at the Ripe Old Age of 14, and until the Day I Die I will never forget Tasha the Luckiest Dog to have Lived in My mind. A Few Years after this volatile vacation We had phased out Our Periodic Trips to Maine but not due to this Incident. It was more than likely due to My Parents Dear Friend Don (who had Moved to Maine with His Wife after He retired from Teaching), and previous Colleeg Pasted of Natural Causes aka Old Age. Thus Maine has a Special place in My Fondest Memories because Alls Well That Ends Well as They Say.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

FYB Update: A Glimpse Behind The Cloak Part 2: Next Stop The Great Southern Swamp

So Once the Car Crash Chaos finally Calmed Down We were able to Hit the Road out of the Woods headed straight towards the Great Southern Swamp. Though We ended up leaving 3 fucking Horus behind Schedule (I hate being Late its a Pet fucking Peave of Mine) it was Mostly My fault I must Admit. I would go to do Something only to get Distracted along the Way thus Wasting a great deal of Time chasing My own damn Tail as it were.

In All Actuality I can’t complain I mean obviously I could be an Asshole of the Highest Order and Nit Pick something to Bitch about, But why the Hell do that?! Once We left it was smooth fucking Sailing all the Way No Shitty Weather, Traffic Jams, Road Construction, Road Delays, Accidents, Rush Hour Issues, and No Stupid Motherfuckers sitting at a Dead Stop in the Middle the Road (on a Blind Curve ) while Stealing Shit to Deal with it was Damn near Perfect.

Since We weren’t going to get to Where We needed to be until much Later then expected We decided not to get Pissed about it, and instead take Advantage of it by taking Our Sweet Ass Time. Fuck the Runaround, Rushing About, and the Rat Race fuck Them all. It was nice I have to admit not to be so Constricted by the Concept of Time it was quite fucking Peaceful.

        

We got a Good Nights Sleep and a Chance to Sleep in which is always Nice. After milling around Drinking Coffee to No End My Wife and I met up with Her Best Friend Dozie (and a Good Friend and Ex-Coworker of Mine). The first Order of Business was Lunch as Dozie was just getting off Work by the Time We were ready to Venture Out into the Surrounding Swamp. Since We live Deep in the Woods of The Southern Country We don’t have Certain things You can find Pretty much anywhere fucking Else, and in this Case it was a Deli. No Deli’s in the Boondocks I am afraid to Say.

After Lunch We rather Aimlessly Rode around Town checking out How Our Old Stomping Ground had Changed or Evolved since We got the Hell out of the Breath Southern Swamp. We also made Several purchases of Other Hard to Locate Living in No Man’s Land Items along the Way as Well figuring Why waste a Perfectly Good Opportunity?!  As the Day Faded Away into the Oncoming Dark Night My Wife, Dozie, and I prepared Ourselves for a Evening out at The Eagles Our Long Time Favorite Local Dive Bar.

What Dozie was unaware of was that Over Time My Wife and I found a Following of Friendly People who Adore the shit Out of Us especially since We moved several Years Ago. My Wife dropped Me off at the Eagles and went to run to the Bank or some last minute mundane Task, and I went in ahead of Her and Dozie.

.       

The First Person I ran into is a Gentleman Named Hatchet who instantly as He always does (and has for fucking Years) Yelled at the top of his fucking Lungs “HEY IT’S JESUS!”, and Then precedes to Shake My Hand and inadvertently fucking Break it with Drunken Excitement. Now Why Does He Refer to Me as Jesus? Why is My Nickname in General at the Eagles Jesus? Well I’ll leave it Up to You to figure that one Out.

During the Course of the Night I got to visit with My Favorite Eagles Bar Tender of all Fucking Time Audry who ironically was Tending Bar that Night. The New Bar Tender was alright She didn’t neglect anyone or Drag Her Ass in any way, but there was still that awkward Unfamiliarity hanging in the Air like a Lingering Fart. I got to See the Cast of Usual Suspects and Especially My Best Friend Mr. Percy most of All. It was a rather Lively Night at the Eagles which can be quite Low Key when it wants to be. There was Endless Rounds of Jello Shots, Chaotic Karaoke, and Some Alcohol Fueled and Related Auction for All Kinds of Random shit. There was like Your Basic Gift Basket, but Mostly it was Bottles of Booze or Heavily Booze Laced Desserts/Cakes, and the Fireball was Flowing Freely.

       

The Following Morning I woke up Nice and Early just so I could have the Pleasure of Puking. You know You’ve Partied Your Ass Off to Capacity when You Vomit During OR at The End of the Night. If You wake up and the First fucking thing You do is Vomit You know Last Night You abused the Hell Out of Your Liver, and More than likely You Damn Near did Your Liver in Once and For All. It’s one of Those Times where You wake Up, and say to Yourself Well I may Not be Quitting Drinking for Good, But I am for Quite a While.It’s the type of Hangover that Even when it’s Over it Still Haunts Your Memory.

A Little Later on that Pleasantly Sunny Morning My Wife and I had Brunch with Her Aunt and Uncle along with My Wife’s Younger Cousin and His Wife. Considering the Previous Nights Over Indulgence on My part this Brunch was Particularly Brutal just to Get Through. My Head was Fuzzy, My  Eyes were Blurry, and I My Mind was Muddled as a Motherfucker Let Me Tell You. Weirdly at the Same Time it was really Pleasant on some Sick Level I suppose because all said and Done I ultimately enjoyed Myself.

       

The Restaurant We ate at was a Bit Too Fancy For Me as I’m so fucking LOW Maintenance its an Ongoing Joke.I went with the Family Flow and Ordered a 3 Course Lunch with Various Options in the Appetizer/Main Course/ Dessert Something or Other. The Appetizer I opted for Honestly was the Only fucking Option that sounded like anything I would actually Eat which was Black Bean and Bacon Soup. Did I mention How Hungover I was because that Soup was HEAVY AS FUCK! I mean while it Tasted Splendid as soon as it Landed in Your Stomach it Apparently turns into Instant Cement or at Least thats what fucking Felt Like. The Main Course was Fish so it was Delightful and Light on the Stomach which was still Reeling from the Dense Soup Scenario. The Dessert Deal turned out to be a Selection of Desserts in fucking Shot Glasses which I’m rather Ambivalent about, but thats just Me.

After the Meal was Over Everyone went Their different Ways, and My Wife and I circled around Back to Base Camp. My Wife spent Her time productively Completing Her Continuing Education Courses/Credits for this Year while I on the Other Hand took a Well Needed Nap to Fully Regain My Faculties. It was by by Definition a Power Nap as I awoke Feeling like My Normal fucking Self Again, I was Resurrected in the Land of the Living.

       

We reconvened that evening around 6 pm when I noticed that a Couple We Knew and were Good Friends with had Texted Us to see if We’d like to stop by Their House for Dinner, and to See the Puppy of Ours They Adopted a Year Back. I would like to take a second to acknowledge that Derrick and Terri are Great Owners, But Bernie (The Dog) turned out to be a Great Dog. Well Behaved, No Bad Habits, Listens to His Owners Etc.

I immediately conferred with my Wife and Texted Derrick and Terri back with an Enthusiastic Hell’s Yes. Unfortunately it turned Out Derrick had been doing Roofing Work that Day, and as Roofing goes He fucked up His Back pretty Bad. So Poor fucking Derrick had to Bail on Dinner to tend to His Beat Up Back, But We still stopped by and Saw Terri ad Bernie, Hung out for a while, Shot the Shit, had a Few Beers, and Laughed a lot. After Our visit We headed over to the Eagles once again to meet up with Mr. Percy and Thank God it was a much Slower Night at The Eagles. I was Happy because the other Night had been Fun as fuck sometimes Relaxing over a Few Drinks beats Partying until Dawn.

       

We Left the Following Morning after having Breakfast with My Wife’s Older Cousin who was in Town. We Managed to Stay on Schedule this time around and made Great Time.  I honestly was a Little Impressed I must say. Again We were lucky as Hell not to have had to Deal with any Traffic/Road Issues like Holiday Traffic or Weekend Traffic for Example. Needless to say it was Splendid Not getting Stuck in some Aggravating bullshit along the Way. I enjoy the Ride because it’s Familiar, BUT Not to the Point of  Monotony. This is a Very fucking Difficult Balance to Achieve None the Less Maintain the Test of Time. I find Boredom Deplorable and Truly Hellish in Many Ways so this Delicate Balance is Especially Important in My Mind.

Since We returned Home to the Woods much Earlier than Ever be for decided if We could Pick Up Our Big Dogs Tonight instead of having Wait till After Work the Following Day. It Save Us both Time and Money which I am Always in Favor of.  It would just so Happen that even though it was well After Hours the Guy We Board with was willing to Stay Late and gave Us His Cell Number. We called and of course He said come on by which means see You in 45 minutes because again We live in the Middle of No Where Special. We managed to pick up the Big Dogs without to much Hyper Dog Drama except for When Big Dad Dog came flying cross the Front Desk into the Waiting Room.

     

Once We got Home Everyone Hit the Couch and fucking CRASHED being utterly Worn Out and Thoroughly Exhausted from Our Venture. Road Trips are fucking Fun, But at the same Time there’s Nothing Like Returning Home.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Well We Could See This Coming From a Mile Away.

Yes I have once again managed to let Life sideswipe Me, and Now I’m playing catch up like a motherfucker. Easter was a bit shall We say Extreme. It started when Our Departure Time was delayed 3 hours by having to deal with some last minute Big Dog bullshit.

When We finally Hit the Road the Weather was Gloomy, Overcast, and bit Rainy like Seattle 99% of the time. Anyway We found out Via the Radio that there was a Massive Storm Front coming Our way that consisted of 5 different Sever Thunderstorms that was kicking the shit out of everything in its path. Now My Wife and I having spent far too long in The Great Southern Swamp just shrugged the Warnings Off because We’d been through Category 1 Hurricanes all the way to Category 4 (Hurricane Scale is 1-5 with 5 being the real motherfucker.

        

The next thing We know the Skies opened up in a Biblical Downpour and the Wind picked up so Furiously that it was a struggle keeping the Car in its Lane as it felt like the Car was being battered by an endless line go Wrecking Balls. Then the Radio started to blow up every 12-15 minutes with VERY DIRE Tornado Watches that were now plaguing the surrounding areas. The Tornado Warnings were so Death and Doom oriented I recored on one My Phone. Here is that Tornado Warning:

        

“Beep-Beep-Beep The National Weather Service has issued a tornado Warning  for Cumberland, Kilingsworth, and Duncan unit 2:15 pm eastern Daylight Time. At 1:37 pm Severe Thunderstorms capable of producing BOTH Tornados and  extensive HIGH WIND Damage Located near Mourville moving Northeast at 45 miles per hour. HAZARD TORNADO Source: Radar indicated Rotation. Impact: Flying Debris will be Dangerous those caught without Shelter, Mobile Homes WILL BE DAMAGED OR DESTROYED. Damage to Roofs, Windows, and Vehicles WILL OCCURE. Tree Damage IS LIKELY. This Waring Includes I-90 between Mile Markers 48 and 68. Precautionary/Preparedness Actions: TAKE COVER NOW. Move to an Interior Room located on the LOWEST FLOOR of a STABLE BUILDING. AVOID WINDOWS. If You are Outdoors, in a Mobile Home or in a Vehicle move to the CLOSEST SUBSTANTIAL SHELTER and PRTECT YOURSELF FROM FLYING DEBRIS. This cluster of Thunderstorms is capable of PRODUCING TORNADOS and WIDE SPRED WIND DAMAGE. DO NOT WAIT TO SEE OR HEAR THE TORNADO for Your PROTECTION Move to an INTERIOR ROOM on the LOWEST FLOOR of a Building. Beep-Beep-Beep”

        

The rain was coming down in Torrential Sheets being wildly whipped around by the increasingly strong Winds. You couldn’t see more than 5 feet in front of You at best. You had to strain the fuck out of Your eyes in an attempt to keep track of the Tail Lights of the Car in front of You to (keep from driving off the fucking road all together). There was a moment when My Hurricane Bravado wained and I thought to Myself that Holy Shit We might have to be ready to actually Bail off the Highway in search of Shelter of some sort. Luckily We made it through unscathed.

       

I got to My meeting at 9:45 pm and started Drinking at 9:47. I overdid it a bit and ended up doing Shots of Fireball while pounding Budweisers until I back to Our Base Camp at 4:30ish in the Morning. Needless to say I’m getting Older than I was Earlier in My Life and woke up the Next Day feeling like I had been run the fuck over by a Steamroller. I spent the Day nursing one hell of a Hangover. By 6:30 I was back on track. We had an early Easter Dinner and was back at the Bar at a little before 10pm, but this was a Personal trip for Fun (Not Business like the Night Before). I arrived back at Basecamp at quarter of 3 in the Morning.

       

On Easter We hit the Road for Home and this time the Trip was smooth as could be without a single delay or mishap. WITH THAT SAID I am Fully Aware I am behind in Posting the “Daily” installments of Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher as well all the other Planed Posts because of this Turbulent Trip. I Apologize in al Honesty and with the greatest Sincerity I will do My Best to get Caught Up Quick as I can. Thank You.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Italy is Awesome, BUT Florence Fn Sucks.

For those paying attention to this shit I mentioned that there where Two pertinent points from a recent trip to Italy that I would Post about. I’m not writing a Travel Blog here (not in the fucking least), and I don’t work for fucking National Geographic either so there You go.

In the First Post Tilted “Marijuana: Whats Going On In Italy” was addressing Italy’s stance and legality of Marijuana. For those who didn’t read it by chance in summation: It Sucks plain and simple.

The following Post is the Second Point I’d like to make regarding Italy. 

Now I feel it is of utter importance to make it ABUNDANTLY clear that I am in NO WAY talking shit about Italy. So what if Their stance on Marijuana Sucks Their far from alone so can’t fault Them there. Also if ONE City bites the Big One You can’t fault the ENTIRE fucking COUNTRY because of it thats fucking ignorant as a motherfucker.

It is true Italy is full of Cities/Towns that revel in Medieval Majesty in spades and that putting it lightly. One day a Member of Our or Clan wanted to take a Road Trip to Florence because its the Home of Michelangelo’s David among other amazing things to see/do.

We all agreed, loaded up, and got the car caravan rolling down the narrow and winding mountain roads towards the City of Florence Our hopes held high. They just weren’t high enough as it turned out. 

  For the record the ACTUAL CITY of Florence is Beautiful as well as draped in History. And The City is home to many wonderful Works of Art. It’s only once Your parked, and walking the streets that You begin to see what MAKES spending time in Florence inevitably Suck Serious Ass. 

In Florence the Biggest Unwanted Hassles come from Three different Groups of Street Hustlers. I will be listening them in Order from the Lesser of Three Evils to the Worst of the Worst.

And Away We GO…….

The least Offensive of the Three aforementioned Groups are the Homeless looking Pan Handlers/Beggars. 

Now Plenty of People in America bitch and whine about how Beggars are a bother being Dirty looking and depressing. Basically these People find Beggars to simply be what They consider a Living Human Eyesore.  

All in all though the American Beggars to Their credit remain stationary having posted up in a particular spot, and are quietly subservient showing the shame They feel for being in Their unfortunate situation.

This is NOT the case in Florence. For starters Beggars there roam the streets constantly on the move pacing all over the fucking City. That though isn’t the real problem. 

The real problem is Their aggressive in Your face style of asking for spare change. They will walk right up in your personal space and then shove some shitty paper cup in your face. At this point the stare blankly into your eyes and shake the cup jingling the small amount of change at the bottom. 

I believe the fact that Florence is full of Visitors from around the Globe the Beggars use the Language Barrier to Their advantage. It affords Them the Luxury of Lingering longer.

The final Tactic They employ is just that Lingering. No matter how many times you tell them No They remain fixed in front of You refusing to accept Your answer.

Also I noticed that like with the Police when You’re dealing with one another one seems to always show up as well. I’m not sure what the second Beggars strategy is exactly, but its one of the following. 

Its either They are using Their presence to up the pressure for the Mark to just give up and give them some money just to fuck off out of Their faces. 

It could also be that They like attracted to the commotion like a Shark to a Feeding Frenzy, and just shows up out of instinct looking for an easy score. Perhaps its just that They think the primary Beggar has found a generous party, and wants a piece of the generosity. 

The only saving grace is Pan Handling is illegal in Florence which is why the Beggars stay on the move to avoid the Police Foot Patrols (as well as every other fucking Cop). This means while Their tactics are bullshit They ironically can’t afford to hang around too long before having to keep moving to avoid arrest.

The Second Group of Hustlers have far more flair to Their Song and Dance Scheme. They are extremely friendly, energetic, outgoing, and quick with a smile. They will approach You introduce Themselves, and instantly strike up a friendly conversation generally over the typical bullshit. They ask where your from, how you like Italy/Florence, whats your home country is like, and so on.

Once the conversation is in full fucking swing They make Their play. Without even mentioning it or bringing an ounce of attention to it They will inadvertently hand You some sort of cheap ticket like a Bumble Machine Bracelet or some other shit, and Then after a bit more lip service They ask You to Pay Them for whatever completely ridiculous trinket They handed You just moments ago.

Thats fucking insane. Thats the equivalent of Me going into a Clothing Store and walking straight up to the counter. Then the Clerk hands Me whatever is laying around in Lost and Found and charges Me for it. It’s nothing I want or need it’s something I wouldn’t let My Kid waste Their money on, but The Store just assumes I’ll to buy it.

Once the Jig is Up like the Beggars these Hustlers throw Their hands up, step away from You, and basically refuse to take it back, BUT through it all They still expect You to Pay Them for it.

You virtually drop whatever cheap piece of shit They handed You on the fucking ground before They will collect Their crap and piss off elsewhere.

The Final Group of Offenders are the absolute fucking WORST OF THE WORST, and that Group would be The Gypsies.

For clarification purposes Gypsies are NOT the Withered Old Crones who place Curses on People in Horror Movies. Nor are the the Magical and Mystical Fortune Tellers like in Disney fucking Cartoons.

I was some what aware that Gypsies had a rather Shady, and rather Shitty reputation in Europe apparently it seemed.

In Europe They are essentially considered Nomadic Con Artists. Gypsies for the most part Travel around the Country Scamming and Cheating the People the encounter along the way.

They are also looked down upon as petty small time Thieves who deal in such things as Games of Chance or Pick Pocketing.

Bottom Line: They are NOT to be trusted EVER.

With that said on with the Story.

In Florence roaming around in the Streets there are in fact authentic Gypsies. They have a rather unconventional and slightly confusing Scam You see.

It’s significant I believe to note at this point that NONE of these Gypsy Street  Scam Arist’s are/were Men.

The Scam is as Absurd as it is ridiculous. The Gypsies cake Their faces with some sort of what looks to be lead based face paint. Now there are no other markings like the black eyeliner accents seen with Mimes or Added color like with Clown Aesthetics.

The clothes they dress up in are by far the lamest outfits or lame fucking attempt at a fucking costume.

They dress very plain with Long Simple Skirts that are so long they damn near hide Their feet from view. They sport these White Billowy Shirts, and These matching white hat like headdresses called Mob Caps. So in the end the affect most resembles a 18th century Peasant who worked as a Servant in some Rich Son of a Bitch’s Kitchen as a Scullery Maid.

What They do is the sneak up behind some Poor Bastard when he’s not paying attention (usually do to a plethora a distractions Florence provides) and suddenly grab ahold of His/Her wrist.

They then without saying a single word (which is exactly like a fucking Mime) the start posing with The Mark is cheesy clique poses such as a Hug While Cheek to Cheek, Kissing You on the Cheek, Holding Your Hand while making some bullshit Puppy Love Face or some stupid shit like that.

They also encourage whoever is with The Mark to take a Photo, and then usually then run the same bullshit routine on Them as well.

And unlike the tools that hang around on the streets of Hollywood in Super Hero Costumes, and shit like that who pose for tips these Gypsy fuckers STRAIT UP DEMAND YOU PAY THEM (though You NEVER solicited Them for any sort of bullshit Song and Dance Photo Opportunity)

This is exactly what happen when Our Clan stopped in a Plaza/Town Square, and for one fucking fleeting second I forgot to put My hand back in my pocket. I was keeping My hands in My pockets to guard My Phone as well as Wallet, but also so they specifically couldn’t be grabbed by The Fucked Up Gypsy Scullery Maid motherfuckers.

My initial instinct was FUCK THEM We didn’t ask Them for jack shit so thus We owe them NOTHING. Also I was simultaneously trying to remember the Italian word for Police since I as mentioned just like with the Beggars what the Gypsies are doing is ILLEGAL.

I just figured if I said Police a few times while getting louder each time it scare the scumbags off. If need be though I have no problem with conflict so if They felt Froggy I’d eat Their fucking Legs.

Well My Wife is much nicer so when the short Gypsy Woman squared up to Her (being a demanding piece of fucking shit), and wanted 20 Euros or about $29 U.S.  as payment .

My Wife was well aware that when this bullshit Horse and Pony Show started what the hell it was, and were it would inevitably End. Again being FAR NICER than I ever could be She agreed to 20 Euros.

I wasn’t really fucking happy about that, but its not My job to be happy it’s to Back My Wife’s Plays.

What happened next only lead to further complicate the already awkward as fuck situation that was playing out. My Wife went to retrieve the 20 Euros from Her damn near wallet sized travel purse (or whatever the thing is).

At the same time She was keeping watch for any possible Purse Snatchers or other Petty Thieves, and by sheer shitty luck accidentally pulled out  a 50 Euro bill (that had been sitting behind the 20 Euro bill) at the same time.

You probably have already deduced what happened next yeah?! The fucking Gypsy Woman after seeing the fucking 50 now is suddenly now demanding 50 Euros. My Wife put her foot down and told the Bitch that They had agreed on 20 Euro so 20 Euros it was.

Of fucking course the despicable Gypsy Woman sticks to Her Guns, BUT at the same time My Wife was Standing Her Ground. Apparently We had a Stand Off on Our Hands so to speak.

The Gypsy Woman starts getting louder and louder until She is damn near Yelling.We had no idea what she was ranting about because none of us

spoke anything close to fluent Italian. I don’t think that mattered in the least as the whole Scam relies on Pressure and Aggression to extort money.

Meanwhile My Wife is aggressively at this point to take the agreed upon 20 and take a fucking hike. I’m just waiting and watching to be ready for whatever the fuck might happen next as things started to escalate quickly.

The fucking Gypsy Woman is trying to literally get in My Wife’s face while My Wife dodges Her, and has now started waving her arms around in the air like some sort of Asshole. She’s also accelerated Her speech to the point She sounded like some fucking Italian Auctioneer in the middle of a bidding frenzy.

The Other People on in the Plaza (about 25-30) had started to take notice and even stopped to observer the building chaos. This turned into BUT keeping a low profile. The Attention of a growing Crowd called direct attention to the Gypsies who didn’t want to get the attention of the Police.

Finally to everyones fucking relief the Gypsy Woman’s Partner in Crime shows up out of no where like a fucking Ninja, and grabs Her friend by the arm. This does virtually nothing to calm the ongoing conflict as Her friend wasn’t about to drop a goddamn thing.

Her Partner in Crime had started to physically pull Her away from Us, and thank god She was the stronger of the two since Her friend kept ranting and raving to beat the fucking band every goddamn step of the fucking way.

At last the pair of Street Hustling Gypsy Scam Artists had vanished down one of the many dark and rather narrow side streets much like Cockroaches running from the Light.

Before I bring this fucker to an end there are a couple of other things about Florence I feel compelled to mention.

One is Florence has been converted into a MASSIVE Tourist Trap. Due to the Fact Florence draws in a lot of Tourists all the fucking prices for any and everything has been jacked sky high to the point its just a fucking rip off.

Also all the Tourist are so thick and heavy in Florence that your damn about shoulder to shoulder walking in the streets. Its like being at fucking Disney during the years largest Promotion just mobbed as a motherfucker.

The last thing is this. There (I suppose again to to the booming Tourist Trade Florence experiences) WAY TOO FUCKING MANY American Stores. I mean I didn’t travel across the fucking Ocean to go fucking shopping at Hugo Boss, Disney Store or eat at Burger King. Actually this was the one and only time We did in fact see a American Fast Food joint as Fast Food is a virtually alien concept.

All in All Italy is AWESOME as all get out, BUT Florence SUCKS A BAG A DICKS.

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober