Tag: white trash

Carmen’s Banana Cooking Episode #41

Welcome to Today’s FYB Post featuring CARMEN’S BANANA COOKING EPISODE #41. Carmen’s Banana Cooking Show  Aired on Austin Community  Television (Public Access) on Channel 10 on Fridays at 10pm from 1984 until 1992. Carmen would Cook Up Banana Dishes, Showcase Local Talent, and Go on Countless 80’s Austin Adventures. The Show’s Viewing Audience was Comprised of Actual Real Fans as well as Those Who were Fans of the Surreal Absurd fucking Freak Show Factor. The Show was Recently Rescued and Restored Carmen’s Banana Cooking is Streaming for Free On Youtube, and it has an Official Website. Also an Interesting Fact is Every Single Episode of Carmen’s Banana Cooking Show was Produced by Steven David Video.

The Host is a Ugly motherfucker in Wannabe Chiquita Banana Drag with Prosthetics (But remember They weren’t like the Prosthetics used in TV and Film Today. Take for Example Carmen’s Massive Quadruple DD Tits that were made from fucking Paper Mache for fucks sake), and the Finest fucking Dollar Store Wig Available. Carmen is Also Adorned with some Seriously fucking Tacky Banana Gimmick that looks like Some shit You’d buy for a fucking Halloween Costume. As for Carmen’s Make Up it Looks like a Piece of fucking Trailer Park Dwelling Piece of White Trash hooked up with a fucking Las Vegas Meth Addicted $2 Hooker and had a fucking Kid. Also We must fucking Warn You that at the Beginning Carmen Sings some Old Ass Love Song and Sings it HORRIBLY that it makes American Idol Rejects look Talented.

          

Episode Synopsis: First and Foremost the Show has Insanely Shitty Production Value and is EXTREMELY fucking Low Quality as it fucking gets. As We just Mentioned Above the Show Starts with Carmen Murdering the fuck Out of some Back in the Day Love Song. Then Carmen’s Big Sister Karma Stops by for some Utterly Unknown Reason. Karma then Dumps a Basket of what fucking else Bananas and Proceeds to Read Them like Some Sort of Shaman Mystic Medicine Man. Now it’s Not exactly Clear but it Seems that the Banana Basket Bullshit was to Confirm the Winner of the 1988 Election or at Least that’s what the Two Started Babbling About Almost Incoherently.

Our Favorite Line is when Carmen tells Her Sister as Her Sister is Leaving “We’ll Twist Up a few Banana Peels” Not too fucking Subtle Smoke Weed Much? FYI We Smoke Weed so We’re Not talking some Straight Edge Happy Horseshit. The Episode Ends by Transitioning from the Show’s Set to Some Asshole in Bed with Leopard Themed Pillows, Sheets, and Shit Wearing a Cheap Latex Mask (The Kind Used in the Human Doll Fetish). Now whoever the fuck it is or Supposed to be Doesn’t say a single fucking Word and Body Language is as if the Camera Man just Walked into Their Bedroom and Surprised Them so Their Acting all Shyly Taken Aback.

It is What it Is,

   Presented By Les Sober  

Crazy People, Campgrounds, and A Crappy Concert

Now I had mentioned in a Recent Post that My Wife and I are in the Habit of Frequenting Our Local Bar called Timeout Tavern. Over Time as One might Imagine We started to meet some of the Local Characters from Our Town as well as the Neighboring Town. One of those Characters is a Man of Few Words who goes by Dee Dee who’ve We seen at the Bar Numerous times before. Well on this particular Thursday (Normally We head to Timeout on Fridays, but this Thursday was My Wife’s Birthday) We just so Happened to Sit at an Open Spot at the Bar that was next to Dee Dee who had been there for some time already.

Dee Dee as far as Dee Dee is concerned was in His Version of a Talkative Mood. This meant We would sit Next to One Another drinking in Silence until periodically Dee Dee would Lean over slightly in Our direction, and then proceed to have talk about whatever topic was on His Mind. These Mini conversations lasted just a few Sentences before Dee Dee would fall Silent once again. At one Point later in the Evening Dee Dee had Invited Us to Join Him on Saturday for Some Event or What Not. Finally Dee Dee decided He was Drunk Enough (and I’m not Talking Shit since He was Visibly Intoxicated, and in all Due Favor so was My Wife and I) and Decided to Head Out. Not Long after Dee Dee’s Departure My Wife and I also Opted to Call it a Night and went Home to Hangout with Our Pack of Dogs.

                    

Friday came and went uneventfully and come Saturday Morning My Wife and I had a Bit of an Issue. The Issue was Due to the Fact all Three of Us (Dee Dee included) were so Drunk that My Wife and I couldn’t Remember what the fuck We had agreed to Thursday Night. So We started Playing the Drunken Memory Puzzle Game slowly Remembering Detail after Detail as We tried to Piece it all together. By 1:30 in the Afternoon We had managed though it was quite a Struggle to Assemble the Pieces of the Puzzle in a Coherent Narrative. What We Deduced was Dee Dee, who Actually lives in the Previously Mentioned Neighboring Town, had Rented a RV Site at Cooper’s Campground which was an Extremely Large local Campground. Dee Dee had invited Us to Stop by His Campsite around 4pm to Tailgate before a Local Band Played a Show at the Campground.

Even After We recounted Thursday Nights Conversation We still had a Number of Problems. First being the Most Obvious was Dee Dee never told Us what the Actual Number of His Campsite was. He Only mentioned that We should Enter the Camp Ground, make a Left, and keep Driving until We saw the Campground Laundry Building. Apparently His Campsite was in the Vicinity of said Laundry. Also Around Here its a Bit Old School because when I asked Dee Dee for His Cell Number so We could Orchestrate Saturday’s Plan He simple Replied “Why? If You come then I’ll just See You There.” which is about as Useful as a Car without an Engine. Also We had No Idea where in the Massive RV Park/Campground the Concert Venue was since We had Never been there Before. I decided the Best Idea was to say fuck 4 O’clock since the Concert was the Main Focus of the Nights Events, and again We had No Real Information on How to Locate Dee Dee or Call or Text Him either. I thought We should Head to the Campsite to get a Literals Lay of the Land so We’d know what the fuck We were getting Ourselves into.

                   

We headed over to the Campground around 5pm or so and Once We arrived We drove through a Small Neighborhoods Worth of RV’s, RV Parking Sites, and Actual Campers in Tents. Then We reached the Main Campground Gate where there were to Humongous Signs Posted Relaying the Basic Rules and Policies of the Park which were Extensive to say the Least. What Pissed ME off at that Moment was the Fact the Campground Charged People who weren’t Current Campers (aka Customers) $5 Per Person to Enter. I though how if I was a Friend or Family Member Visiting How I’d be even More Pissed Off I’d be about the Gate Toll. All I’m saying is You visit someone in a Hotel, Motel, or Air B&B You don’t have to Pay some Bizarre and Bullshit Cover Charge just for Visiting. Anyway We made a U Turn and went back Home considering We didn’t really want to Hangout in a fucking RV Park/ Campground for several Hours Before the Show.

Once We arrived Home My Wife Hit Up the Campground Website for Details since We had Not been able to Scout Out the Location. My Wife confirmed First and Foremost that there was indeed a Concert that Night, and pulled up Some Picture of Where the Show would be Held. The Picture was unassuming as fuck as it was just a Picture of a Large Field on the Water Front. My Wife and I figured that because the Venue was a Campground that They would Erect a Small Stage for the Band to Play on. We assumed then that People Who came Would Bring Blankets or Beach Chairs to Sit On while the Band was On Stage Preforming. We figured We would need some Show Supplies so We went Out and Bought a couple of Cheap Beach Chairs, 3 Bags of Ice, A Cooler, and of Course a Case of Budweiser. Outside the Store We Filled the Cooler with the Ice and Stocked it with the Budweiser before departing. We Drove on Over to the Campsite since it was Now Quarter to Seven and the Show was Billed to Start at 8pm.

                      

Once We Arrived We discovered the Gate Attendant had Left so We were Referred by a Shitty Handwritten Note (Scrawled on a Scrap Piece of Paper Taped to the Window of the Camp Connivence Store which Doubled as the Gate House) to the Two Monolithic Signs Posted on Either Side of the Gate. We ended up having to Fill Out this Basic Form with Our Name, Address, and Vehicle License Plate Number. We then Drove Through the Gate then there was a Beat Up Old Metal Lock Box on Passenger Side which We deposited the Form along with the $10 Entrance Fee. This Pissed ME off because its a fucking Campground so Why the fuck are They charging $5 per Person just to Enter? Who or What the fuck do They think They Are some Trendy fucking Nightclub or Some Shit? I dunno but I digress.

20 Feet into the Park and I’m already Stressed Out by the Absolute Clustfuck Labyrinth Arrangement of the RVs/Campsites. Instead of using the Traditional Tried and True Lay Out in a Grid Pattern with Neat Rows of RVs/Campsites with Adequate Streets running Between the Rows. This Campground looked as if the Owner had Squeezed every last Camper/RV/Campsite They could onto the Property to Maximize Their Profits. This created a Chaotically Disorganized Landscape of Oddly Angled Cramped RVs/Campsites that were packed so Close Together that if You stepped out Your Door You’d be a approximately 2 Feet From Your Neighbor. Privacy seemed to be Totally Non Existent, and that would Definitely Drive Me fucking Insane as I relish My Privacy.

                    

To make Shit even More Nerve Racking there was a Main Road and I use that word Loosely that ran Around the Entire Perimeter of the Park. If You actually wanted to Access Anything in the Park You had to Navigate a the Maze of Haphazardly Placed RVs/Campsites using a Cramped Network of Streets that in Reality were Glorified Dirt Paths wide Enough for a Single Golf Cart to Drive on. One Thing We noted was to further Aggravate Me and the Situation Itself was There was the Utter and Total Lack of Signage so We had No fucking Clue where We were or Where We were fucking going. Meanwhile as We drove at a Whopping 3 Miles an Hour since I Drive A Half Ton Dodge Ram 1500 Pick Up Truck, and since Whoever Designed the Campground had Miserable Concept of Spacial Recognition ever Where We went was the Definition of a Tight fucking Fit. The Campground Layout was Completely fucking Random, but there were Other Exacerbating Factors We had to Content with.

The First Issue was there was a Ton fuck of People there were Walkers, Joggers, Men, Women, Kids, Senior Citizens, and Pets Milling around. Now with all of the Randomly Placed RVs/Campsites all I could think was “Holy Shit this is a fucking reciepy for a fucking Disaster. The Whole Time at any Second I expected Someone or Something to Walkout into the Street without even considering They could be Hit/Run Over by My Big Ass Truck. Then there were the goddamn Golf Carts that were all over the Place, and Who’s Occupants were Annoyed They were Forced to Pull off to the Side of the “Road” to make Room for My Big Goddamn Truck. That and Every Golf Cart seemed to be Driven by an Oblivious Idiot (Most were Deep into a Day Drinking Drunk as at Least 1 of Every 3 People I saw were Holding Beers) who had the Attention Span of a fucking Goldfish. The Day Drinking Drunks weren’t just Idly Driving around in Golf Carts They seemed to make Up a Majority of the People Staying at the Campground. Again All I could think is that One of These Dipshit Drunks would Stumble or Fall Flat on Their Face in the Road and End Up being Run the fuck Over (and more than Likely Killed).

                    

There was one thing Though that I did find Fascinating and that was that the Campground was Over Run with Rabbits. I’m Not talking the Normal Wild American Rabbit Species You’re accustomed to seeing Oh No these were Some Breed of Domesticated Rabbits. They came in a Variety of Colors, Pure Black, Black and White, Tan, Brown, Tan with Brown Markings Etc., and these fuckers were so goddamn Big You could have Picked One Up and Cradled it like a fucking Baby. No One in the Park in the Campground even Acknowledged the Rabbits Presence Though They were Everywhere. The Rabbits were Laying in the Road, Running Between or Under RVs, Hanging Out in Small Groups on Spontaneous Grassy Plots located around the Park.

The Other Weird thing was I had never Heard about the Campground Rabbits and I’m a Local. Usually when Places have an Unusual Oddity such as these Rabbits the Business uses it as a Promotional Tool to Cash in on the Eccentricity, but Apparently Not in this Case. I even Hit Up Ye Old Internet the Next Day to see if I could find any Information on these Mysterious Rabbits. While there were Slews of Reviews that all Mentioned or at Least Alluded to the Rabbits but that was All. I posted on one of the sites asking if Anyone Knew the Origin Story behind the Rabbits, Yet Unfortunately I fucking Forgot the Specific Website (and was Unable to Locate it at a Later Date). I figure Especially being in the Country that these Rabbits had been Kept for as Show Rabbits, Raised as Farm Rabbits, Raised for Food, or Possible as Pets. As these things Go I believe some of the Rabbits Escaped and spawned a Full Blown Breeding Rabbit Population. I still am curious as fuck to Know the Exact Details and will Keep Seeking Out Any and All Information Pertaining to the Campground Rabbits.

                   

After Roaming around this Campsite Hellscape We rather quickly came to the Conclusion that We would just Head to the Show Venue (wherever the hell it was) because Meeting Up with Dee Dee was a Virtual Impossibility. We continued to Drive meandering to and fro until Thank fucking Christ We found the Venue sheerly by Chance. We pulled into the Grass Parking Lot, and I immediately Noticed things were Not as We had Anticipated Not in the Least. When We Pulled into the Lot We saw a Large Cinder Block Building Painted a Nauseating Shade of Pink. I assume the Building originally was a Garage for Maintenance/Groundkeepers Lawn Mowers and other Tools of the Trade. I thought this because there was a rather Large Garage Door that was wide Open and We could See (and Hear) the Band doing Their Soundcheck. Now it was 7:40 pm and the Show was set to Start at 8pm on the Dot, But the One thing We didn’t See was Anyone Else. The Parking Lot with the Acceptation of My Wife and I was Completely Empty there wasn’t a Single Person to be Seen.

Eventually a Small Handful of Campground Campers trickled in on Their Golf Carts. We Spoke with a Man familiar with the Campground and asked what the fuck was the Deal since We had Obviously made the wrong assumption with the whole Tail Gating thing. He informed Us that there wasn’t any Tail Gating and the Campground Owners would Toss You out and Ban You for Life if They Caught You. I’ll be fucking Damned if I get thrown out of a fucking Campground that’s for Sure. Then He informs Us that They do Sell Beer there accept its Cheap Shitty Beer in Clear Plastic BBQ Cups all White Trash and shit. I am a Beer Lover but after already Buying a Case of Good Beer sure as Hell didn’t want to have to Sell Out more Cash especially for Horse Piss Beer. Lastly the Man Mentioned there was a goddamn Cover Charge in Addition to the $10 Park Admittance Fee. This Seriously Chapped My Ass I mean I paid $10 already just to get into this Hellhole 3 Ring Shit Show of a Campground, and the Idea of having to Pay a Cover well Fuck and That.

                    

At 8:15 pm I decided it was time to Re-Evaluate the Situation. Since I tend to be Anti Social and Standoffish so I felt I had to Lawyer My Point. I pointed out that Perhaps making Plans Late at Night at the Bar while Drunk wasn’t the Optimal Scenario for making Plans. Also We didn’t have Dee Dee’s Phone Number or Campsite Number and We didn’t even have a Clue where the Laundry was (which if You remember was Our one and only Reference Point). I then Proceeded to Point Out the Fact it was a Lame Local Bar Band so it wasn’t Worth it Literally and Figuratively. I added to that its a really bad sign when You show up for a Concert Twenty Minutes before the Show Starts and there is No One There. I made sure to point out that the Few People who Finally Showed Were Campers Not Locals, and if We wanted to get to Know More People talking to Vacationing Campers was a Waste of fucking Time. My Wife being the Optimist suggested We wait a Little Longer before Leaving just to See if Things Picked Up and being the Pessimist I reluctantly Agreed. At 8:30 pm My Wife Agreed with Me that it was Time to Throw in the Towel and Call it Quits.

In the End We left the Campground and Drove over to Our Favorite Watering Whole Timeout Tavern and Proceeded to have a Ultimately Awesome Evening. I have yet to see Dee Dee again but I’m sure I will in Time, and When I do I can’t wait to ask Him What The Fuck the Whole Ordeal was About. Until then it was a Intensely Bizarre Adventure and at Least it makes for an Interesting fucking Story.

Thanks For Reading,

   By Les Sober  

Facebook is F*cked and Zuckerberg is a Racist Scumbag

Let’s get one fact straight right from the get go. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg  AND Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey  are BOTH Trump Supporter Scum of the Earth. They’re spineless greed driven GOP Social Media Propaganda Puppets. The only fucking reason NEITHER CEO asshole has (and Never would) discloser Their Personal Political Views because the greedy sons of bitches don’t want to loose Users, and lets fucking face it thats just a nice way of saying MONEY.

If either asshole came out Pro Trump they’d lose a shit ton of Users and subsequently a literal shit ton of Money, BUT if They came out Anti Trump the exact same thing would happen. Though in Todays Chaotic Environment it’s very easy to Tell Who Zuckerberg and Dorsey Support through Their Shady and Hypocritical Actions and Claims.

       

A little over Two Weeks ago Zuckerberg informed the American Public that He/Facebook WOULDN’T DO A GODDAMN THING to Stop Politicians on Facebook Who Spew and Promote Fake News, Disinformation, and All Out Lies. It’s painfully obvious this is to Aid Trump the Obese Orange Asshole to commit MORE FRAUD, CRIMES, AND TREASON just like in 2016.

The Democrats to Their Credit DIDN’T Run a Massive Smear Campaign, Employ Bots to do Their Bidding, Hire Russian Hackers, Collude with Russian Dictator Vladimiro Putin, Spread Fake News, Spew Propaganda and disproved/unfounded conspiracy theories, engage in Voter Suppression Tactics, Purposely spread Misinformation, Use Racism as a Promotional Tool, and They Didn’t COMIT FUCKING TREASON.

       

Meanwhile Facebook is BY FAR the Largest Social Media Platform for Racist Hate Groups. You want to find the Flu Klux Klan, White Nationalists, Neo Nazis, Proud Boys,  all You have to do is simply Log onto Facebook where there’s plenty of White Supremacy Hatred to go Around. Again Zuckerberg has DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to Stop or Shut Down these Racist Hate Groups Facebook Pages. He has been completely Ambivalent about it as if He could care fucking less because the Scumfuck is making a Fortune, and is a fucking Racist piece of Shit Too.

Racist Birds of a Feather Hate Together. So basically Facebook’s Rules of User Use, Conduct, and Rules Don’t Mean a fucking thing. Regular Users get Penalized for Minor infractions while the Racist Hate Groups are allowed to Continue promoting Fear and Hate on a Daily Basis Worldwide on Their Social Media Platform.

            

Then this Week Zuckerfucker was CAUGHT LYING IN HIS GOVERNMENT TESTIMONY pertaining to Facebook hiring The Daily Caller as Fact Checkers.For Those Who may Not know The Daily Caller is a Major Well Documented Racist Organization.  Zuckerberg played the “I Run a Huge Global Company so I’m too busy to know Everything that Goes On” Card. After His Testimony the TRUTH came out and the Facts were far fucking Different than Zuckerburg’s bullshit claim.

It turns out Zuckerberg knew EXACTLY What the Daily Caller Organization was, was IN FAVOR of Hiring Them, and was Directly involved in the ENTIRE PROCESS. To Recap Zuckerberg Knowingly hired a Long Time Racist Hate Group as supposedly legitimate Fact Checkers, Yet another move that Aides Trump since Trump Supporters are inherently Ignorant, Uneducated White Trash Racist Scumbags.

       

Then just a Couple of Days ago Zuckerburg Announced Facebooks New Upcoming and I quote “Quality News” Platform. This sounded like more Facebook bullshit that was until it came out that one of the Top “Quality News” Organizations that would be Promoted on Facebook’s New News Platform was None Other than BREIBART. The American Public was introduced to Breibart in 2016 Thanks to Trump Loving Alcoholic Wife Beating White Nationalist Steve Bannon (who in the end apparently not a shitty enough of a person and Breibart booted Him out the Door).

Breibart built itself on a Foundation of RACISM, XENOPHOBIA, ANTI-SEMITISM, AND PROMOTING RACIST CONSPIRACY THEORIES. Breibart is so utterly fucking Despicable They were DENIED SENATE PRESS CREDENTIALS. Thanks to Their Hate Filled White Nationalist Views/Content More than 4,000 Companies have BANNED BREIBART FROM RUNNING THEIR ADVERTISEMENTS. Breibart has also been KICKED OFF OF ALMOST EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM SO FAR FOR RACIST PROPAGANDA. SO Once Again Zuckerburg Hired a Well known RACIST HATE GROUP to work for/with Facebook providing so called “Quality News”.

Lastly as far as the Moronic MAGA Maggots once Trump the Traitor had been Impeached, Removed, Arrested, and Imprisoned I believe We should DEPORT THE SACKS OF SHIT. Now I wouldn’t wish MAGAs on My Worst Enemy so the Question is Where the fuck do You send Human Garbage?! My Suggestion is taking a Page out of England’s Historical Playbook. When England back in he Day wanted to Elevate Over Crowded Prisons and Prevent future Crime decided to Deport all The Criminals to Australia and effectively Strand Them There for Good.

I propose America does the Same Thing, BUT instead of Australia We Deport and Dump the motherfucking MAGAs in Antartica. They can’t fuck with or talk shit to anyone since the current Population of Antartica is ZERO. That and MAGAs are so fucking proud of Being White, The Color White, and All Thing White Antartica would be fucking Perfect as its Entirely White.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Racists are Revolting

Warning: The Following Post Contains a Great Deal of Foul Language, and Violent Imagery that Some People May find Offensive or Disturbing. There are Pictures of ACTUAL DEAD NAZI WAR CRIMINALS with The Noose Still Around Their Next From Being EXECUTED FOR SAID WAR CRIMES AND OTHER WAR TIME ATROCITIES. During the NUREMBERG TRIAL (1945-1948) Enjoy.

I’m Sick and fucking Tired of all this Racist fucking Bullshit going on Currently in America. These Hateful Pieces of Shit running around Beating People, Shooting People, and Generally being complete fucking Assholes to Anyone who ISN’T a Racist.

ITS TIME TO MAKE RACISTS AFRAID AGAIN. Its time to Drive these White Trash, Inbred, Uneducated, and Ignorant Assholes back under the fucking Rock They Slithered Out from Under. Theres No Room in America for fucking Racists.

We should Round Up all the Racist Fuckers and DEPORT THEM TO ANTARCTICA the fucking Whitest Place on Earth since Their such Fans of the Color.  Let Them take Their Own fucking Advice which They are TOO FUCKING STUPID to Understand.

If THEY Don’t Like It LEAVE YOU HYPOCRITICAL COCKSUCKERS.

All this Violent Racist shit is Being Propagated by The Obese Orange Rapist Traitor in The White House because Only Scumfuck Racist Ratfucks support His egotistical Crimes against AMERICA and AMERICANS.

So Here’s What I Think, Brace Yourself its Going to Get FUGLY AS FUCK.

White Nationalists: White Collar Political Elitists, The Wealthy Old White Man Racists from Way Back. White Nationalists are just as fucking Pathetically Fucked as every other Racist Hate Group, the only Different is They are far better dressed in Expensive Suits. They are the “Serial Killer Racist” named so for Their ability (just like a Sociopath) to hide in Plain Sight without Anyone Knowing Their Secret.

They like Lynching so Much than HANG YOUR FUCKING SELVES YOU SCUMFUCKERS Make America Great, KILL YOURSELVES. These are the Old School Racist Fucktards that have Paved the Way for Every Other Racist Son of a Bitch.

KKK: Klu Klux Kunis is more like it. These Historical Throwback Redneck Racist Backwood Sister Fuckers run around in Sheets like Assholes Burning Crosses which to ME makes No fucking Sense Whatsoever since the KKK only Allows Christian Racists to become Members.

The KKK is a fucking Joke even in Todays Racist Climate. These are the Dumbfucks that run around spouting Stupid Racist Shit like ‘The South with RISE AGAIN.” Umm No its fucking Won’t. GET THE FUCK OVER IT ASSHOLES YOU GOT YOUR RACIST SLAVERY LOVING ASS HANDED TO YOU BY THE NORTH, YOU LOST THE CIVIL FUCKING WAR NOW GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALREADY PUNK ASS BITCHES. They shouldn’t be Pro Racist They should be PRO DENTIST the Toothless Hillbilly Bastards.

The Proud Boys: Proof You can take the Date Raping, Homophobic, Binge Drinking College Fuck Up  Out of the Frat House, But You can’t take it the Date Raping, Binge Drinking, Homophobic, College Fuck Up Out of the Frat Boy. These Stupid Cowards are such fucking PUSSIES that Like Nazis They travel in Groups to Avoid getting Their Teeth Kicked in. Thats  because 1 on 1 They’re SCARED LITTLE PUNK ASS SACKS OF SHIT. Their Leader whatever that Hispter fucks Name is is even a BIGGER PUSSY.

He got all Butt Hurt and called the fucking Local News because His Neighbor put up a Yard Sign Condemning his Racism and the little big talking bitch CRIED ABOUT IT LIKE A FUCKING BABY. The Ground Boys are Cowardly Pussies who can Talk Mad SHit, But Can’t take it without running to the Media to Whine and Bitch  like the Spineless, Sniviling, Scummy Bitch Boys.

Neo Nazis: How fucking Stupid are These Self Righteous Assholes? I mean They Stole Their groups Ideology and Token Symbol the Swastika from THE MOTHERFUCKING  RACIST GERMAN NAZIS OF WW2. So how the fuck can these Bald Headed Bitches talk about “America this, America That” when Their whole Schtick is GERMAN.

Again Nazis are True Cowards who fight in Gangs and Pick on the Most Helpless because They are afraid off getting seriously fucked Up on the Street by NAZI HATING AMERICAN PATRIOTS. If a Nazi wants to prove How tough He is (which is a fucking Joke to begin with since Nazis are SPINELESS Yellow Bellied COWARDS) then He or She should take Their Steel Toed Combat Boots, and KICK IN THEIR OWN SHIT FILLED SKULLS.

Steven Miller: Sleazy Fuck should be Lowered SLOWLY feet First into a fucking Wood Chipper that has Dull and Rusty Blades. This Should be Done LIVE ON TV and STREAMED ALL OVER THE INTERNET/SOCIAL MEDIA.

Steve Bannon: This Fat, Alcoholic, Wife Beating Racist should be Force Fed Rot Gut Fortified Wine until His Belly is Swollen at Max Capacity. Then He should be Thrown to the Fucking Floor like the Maggot He is, and Kicked Repeatedly until His Stomach Explodes. And this too should be done in FULL VIEW OF THE PUBLIC/ LIVE AUDIENCE.

Moscow Mitch “The Bitch” McConnell: This Deformed looking Turtle Motherfucker should be Skinned Alive, Rolled in Salt, and Then have the Salt washed Off with Pure Lemon Juice Extract, and Repeat until the Vile Racist Traitor is fucking DEAD. Then His Corpse should be Hung Upside Down from the White House Flag Pole for all to See until it ROTS AWAY.

ICE: ICE Agents are nothing more than Government Paid Racist Gustapo Thugs. These Brain Dead Douchebags run around doing whatever the fuck They want because They’re the GOP’s Racist Lap Dogs. ICE should be fucking Abolished, ICE Agents Arrested, and Executed in a NON STOP PUBLIC TRIAL and EXECUTION.

I could spend Days watching an Endless Line of ICE asshole racist Agents getting Convicted and Immediately Killed with some MEDIEVAL TORTURE DEVICES (so It’s SLOW AND AS PAINFUL AS POSSIBLE). Perhaps Hanging Them Upside Down Naked with Their Legs Spread, and Then SAWN IN HALF by HAND No Chainsaws Here just Antique Lumberjack Saws for These VILE RACIST FUCKS.

   

The Boarder Patrol: These Racist Fuckwits ae essentially ICE’s little Inbred Racist Brother. They are Moronic, Uneducated Racist Wannabe Prison Guards. These Low Level Racist fucks are more than Likely too fucking Ignorant to even Realize what Racist Shitfucks They actually are. They Like ICE should be Arrested, Tried, Convicted, and EXECUTED for Hate Crimes and Crimes Against Humanity.

Kirstjen Michele Nielsen: This Racist Fuck Bucket is the Filthy Fucker that Allowed Kids to be Caged like fucking Animals, and then DENIED BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS (Not to Mention MULTIPLE DEATHS AND SEVERAL DETENTION CAMPS.) She created CONCENTRATION CAMPS FOR FUCKING CHILDREN.  Now here’s the kicker This Sleazy Whorebag is a Top Their Racist Asshole, Not only did She orchestrate Brutal and Inhumane Immigration Concentration Camps (For Adults to Not Just Children) THEN THIS FUCKING SHITFUCKER GOES OUT TO EAT AT A MOTHERFUCKING MEXICAN RESTURANT! WHAT A CUNT.

THE GOP: All I have to say is these Hypocritical Racist Scumfuckers is They Love Demonizing Immigrants, BUT THEY SURE LOVE HIRING THEM JUST ASK THE KING COCKSUCKER, THE SUPREME ASSHOLE IN THE OVAL OFFICE. GOP MOTTO IS “DO AS WE SAY, NOT AS WE DO.” bunch of Vile Racist, Serial Rapist, Child Molesting,  Sex Trafficking Elitist ASSFUCKS. ELIMINATE THE ELITE. BANKRUPT THE RICH.

MAGA MAGGOTS: These Stupid Fuckfaced Racist are simply TOO FUCKING STUPID TO LIVE. They Regurgitate GOP PROPAGANDA about the Evils of Socialism while They HAPPILY take FOOD STAMPS, DISABILITY, WELFARE, and SOCIAL FUCKING SECURITY which by fucking DEFINITION OF THE FUCKING WORD MAKES THEM SOCIALISTS (Not to mention other reasons as Well Like PUBLIC SCHOOLS, PUBLIC PARKS Etc.).These BOTTOM  FEEDING, INBRED, TRAILER PARK DWELLING, IGNORANT, UNEDUCATED WHITE TRASH SCUM OF THE EARTH. Every Asshole with a Red Hat should be Rounded Up, Put on Space Shuttles, and SENT ON A ONE WAY TICKET INTO THE DEPTHS OF FUCKING SPACE.

Eliminate, Eradicate, and Erase Racism From America ONCE AND FOR FUCKING ALL. All White People are fucking IMMIGRANTS just ask the NATIVE AMERICANS.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

The Horrors in American History: Here Comes The White Guys

Lets face it people White People are Evil as fuck.

I can definitely say that being that I am White, so white in fact if I was any whiter I’d my skin would be translucent. I’m not kidding here I make an Irish man look like some sun bathed Life Guard from Baywatch or some shit.

Now here comes the reality behind that statement.

White Europeans spent Thousands of years Waring for Land and Power or torturing/murdering in the name of Their “God”.

Point being White Europeans were fucked, (then again if you lived through the fucking Black Plague of course your going to be fucked in the head as you watched Two Thirds of Europe die) before they started considering the possibility of Land beyond the boarders of the Oceans.

As for Mr. Christopher Columbus well to refresh our collective memory first of all WASN’T EUROPEAN (AKA WHITE) He was an immigrant from Italy which makes him Mediterranean.

Second he DIDN’T discover America because he was such a shitty explorer that he ended up in the fucking Caribbean haven grossly undershot his initial target.

Not to mention HE WAS LOOKING FOR THE COUNTRY OF INDA AT THE TIME THE FUCKING MORON.

Lastly Columbus DIDN’T DISCOVER ANY CARIBBEAN ISLANDS EITHER.

This is due to the simple fact YOU CAN’T DISCOVER A NEW LAND THATS BEEN POPULATED FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS ALREADY BY INDIGENOUS People(s).

Now fast forward to Between April 2nd to the 8th 1513 When THE SPANISH EXPLORER Juan Ponce de Leon first LANDED on the shores of Florida near St. Augustine and knew it wasn’t fucking India.

Alright now We head to November 11, 1620 when FINALLY WHITE EUROPEANS Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock after a 66 days Voyage to escape from Britain. 107 fucking years AFTER Ponce de Leon mind you.

The Pilgrims had Their reasons for making such a treacherous and undoubtedly dangerous as fuck journey across the Pond.

The Pilgrims primary issues were One the fucking Tyrannical and Corrupt as hell British Government who just loved taxing the shit out of Their citizens, and generally treating anyone other than Royalty like complete shit. Also the Pilgrims were being Persecuted like a motherfucker for Their Religious Beliefs.

So bottomline life in Britain sucked so goddamn bad the Pilgrims risked life, and limb to escape to the other side of the fucking Ocean for fuck’s sake.

As well all are well fucking aware the Indigenous Indians basically saved the Pilgrims lily White asses from certain death by starvation. And for the most part everyone got along pretty fucking well.

Basically as time ticked on the White Man started to require more and more land up and down the East Coast. Then once that was done They headed slowly but surly farther and fucking farther out West.

Now the ENTIRE fucking time in his pursuit of Land, Power, and Valuable Resources the White Man did everything thing he could think of to totally fuck over the Indigenous Indian Tribes every fucking day of the week and twice on fucking Sundays.

Lets fucking face it ANY, EVERY, AND ALL Deeds, Deals, Treaties or Contracts between the Indians and The White Man were egregiously disregarded, Violated, and Ignored by The White Man rendering them utterly Null and Void.

And when Corruption, Back Stabbing, Lying, Cheating, Stealing, and Two Faced Tactics didn’t work or took too damn long the White Man decided to commit NATION WIDE GENOCIDE. The White Man took to Murdering Indians without Remorse or Consequence with ongoing encouragement from THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT.

One way it made mass murdering the Indigenous People was by Demonizing them, and in this case the White Man used HIS FUCKING RELIGION to justify endless killing. The White Man stated that since these Indigenous People were NOT CHRISTIANS then they were nothing more than Violent Savages, and Uncivilized Heathens something so low it was no longer even to be considered a Person. Not very fucking Christian you ask Me.

Don’t get me wrong there were a number of Indigenous People who the fucking White Man didn’t Kill either through Murder or Disease (ex. Small Pox and other European Diseases that the Native Indians had no resistance to so They became sick and subsequently died. That had to fucking suck ass).

Since these Indigenous People were still alive but defeated as fuck The White Man was fucking kind enough to move The Survivors onto what is called a Reservation.

Reservations kind of sound alright until you fucking realize it just a shitty piece of Land with FEW to NO Resources, Sucks for Farming, Sucks for Hunting and Fishing, and the Weather is Brutal with Harrowing Heat in the Sweltering Summer, and The Crippling Cold of Winter.

So basically a Reservation was, and is unwanted undesirable scrap of shitty land that White Men didn’t/don’t want so They dumped the Indigenous Indians there like a Human Landfill of Flesh.

Not to fucking mention as a side note The White Man introduced ALCOHOL to Native Americans who have an unfortunate predisposition to Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. The SOLE REASON for the introduction by The White Man was to help cheat The Native Americans on fucking various Deals and Treaty’s. The saying was “Its easier to make Deals with Drunken Indians.”

My point is this ALL FUCKING WHITE PEOPLE ARE IMMIGRANTS Whose Ancestors came to America to be Free, were saved from a miserable fucking death by the Native Americans, then turned around and, Robbed, Raped, Cheated, Murdered, and EFFECTIVELY STOLE AMERICA PIECE BY PIECE FROM THE NATIVE AMERICANS THROUGH MURDER AND DOUBLE DEALINGS..

TO  all the Racist Assholes in America :

THIS ISN’T YOUR COUNTRY YOUR THE SON/DAUGHTER OF A IMMIGRANT. Columbus didn’t discover A FUCKING THING, and The Spanish got here over 100 fucking years before the first White fucking European from fucking Britain. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ENTITLED RACIST FUCKWITS.

Our PILGRIM ANCESTORS brought “the Plague of The White Man” to the Shores of America looking for shelter from a CORRUPT AND OPPRESSIVE FUCKING GOVERNMENT as well as RELIGIOUS GODDAMN PERSECUTION, BUT In The End They Became a Corrupt Government , and Religiously Persecuted the Indigenous People for being “Non Christians”.

Nazis, Klans Men, White Nationalists and other Racist Scumfucks are HYPOCRITICAL, IGNORANT, WHITE TRASH PIECES OF SHIT.

Fuck All Forms of Racism.

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober

You Only Get a 1 Chance To Make a 1st Impression and They F*cked Up

Quite a while ago I was at a near by local Mall (I fucking hate Malls their a Vulgar Display of Capitalism) and We saw an entry for a contest. The prize was a White Trash Ride on Lawnmower Wet Dream. The Mower was splattered with White Trash Decals for everything from the a popular Collage, State football team, The States Flag and the Token State  Symbol from tip to tail. It was such a gross case of overkill We knew we had to enter.  We filled out the general information card and plopped it into the entry slot on the entry box and promptly forgot all about it.

Tuesday We got a phone call from the apparent sponsor of the Ride on Mower Contest a Smaller Alarm Company called Super Sonic Security. The Woman on the phone identified herself as Phone Drone Debbie who got our contact information off our entry card, and wanted to talk to us about Home Security AKA Alarm Company. We were all in a good mood so We decided to hear her out. So We said sure and listened to her spiel about how their company was looking to expand using word as mouth as their key strategy. Since Super Sonic Security was looking to sign up new customers they were waving this and waving that fee left and fucking right. This turned into a case of if its to good to be real deal, and My Wife and I decided there was obviously a catch and We wanted to find out what it was. At first We thought it was blatantly going to be Expensive Monthly Monitoring Fees/ Shitty Long Term  Contracts. Alas We couldn’t find a hidden catch (it was fucking mind boggling really) but without any issue with costs We decided to go with the it (since We had been discussing Alarm Systems and were officially in the market for one) and scheduled a Tech to install the System the following day between 6 and 7 pm.

Well that WAS the Catch.

Wednesday 6pm came and went and by 7 I figured for whatever the reason may be the Tech wasn’t showing up for the scheduled installation. Now since I work from home and My Wife is a Nurse (who works 12 hour shifts and being an RN there is a STRICK NO PHONE POLICY the bottomline being NO CELLPHONES AT WORK.) Super Sonic Suckurity was instructed to call Me. Anyway My Wife gets home and I tell her that the fucking Tech pulled a No Show not to mention the asshole didn’t even have the professional curtesy of a fucking phone call. My Wife informed me that the Tech had called her at 6:55pm  (5 minutes before he was supposed to be at Our House at the fucking latest.), but My Wife was driving so she didn’t answer (Good for her). The Tech left a rather long and completely confusing message on her voicemail. She then put her phone on speaker and played his message for me. It was the most fucking absurd load of rambling ranting I have bared witness to and I didn’t know if I wanted to kill this fuck or admire him for his horrendous display of Bullshit. As far as I can decipher the message was about how their expanding business is taking off and the schedule filled up. This I assume was the part of the message explaining the bullshit No Show accept We booked the appointment the previous night at 8:50 pm less than 24 hours ago. So the reasoning that they couldn’t fit us in made no fucking sense what so ever. One We ALREADY had an appointment scheduled, but these assholes solicited Us yet they seemed to be trying to play it off as We called them (and their too fucking busy for new customers which obviously is counterintuitive to the basic business model, NO CUSTOMERS NO COMPANY). The Tech then launches into the second part of his ludicrous message and starts babbling about expanding network and network capabilities pertaining to Geography or some shit. He then finishes his message of madness by saying that Super Sonic Security will call us back at a later date to discuss Alarm Instillation.

Needless to say this chapped My ass ROYALLY and I snatched up my phone and called the number the Sales Woman from earlier only to get a busy signal. I called right back and then again in several minutes but got the same busy signal each time. I then dialed the main customer service phone number and a guy named Jerk Off  Jimmy D and I aggressively asked him what the fuck is this No Show bullshit about. Jerk Off Jimmie D tells me that I have reached an Answering Service so they can’t do a damn thing but pass on a message the following morning. I told Jerk Off Jimmie D I’d like to leave a message which was Don’t Ever Contact Me Again, You had a chance a blew it right out of your ass.

That should have been that, but I had a sneaking suspicion that I’d be getting a call from the Super Sonic Security Sales Department trying to salvage the deal. Well thats exactly what happened. A Sales Rep called apologizing and kissing My ass making a string of excuses and bullshit reasons for The No Show. I told the Rep that on a professional level if their Tech can’t make a simple appointment then I have lost any/all faith in their ability to protect a pile of shit. Second the unprofessional manner ( a pet peeve of mine is anyone I’m doing business with to act in an unprofessional) in which the situation was handled pissed me off to no end on a personal level. Finally I ended the conversation by informing said Rep that their word of mouth campaign is working the only issue is the word of mouth is that their a shitty company with shittier customer service.

We have since contracted a different and far, far superior  Alarm Company to help protect Our Home Offices so alls well that ends well, and FUCK SUPER SONIC SECURITY in Their UNPROFESSIONAL ASSES.

Thanks For The Read

Les Sober  

I Don’t Drink That: Beer Blues

I’m simply sick and tired of friends and family that know me best chronically forgetting what alcohol(s) I drink, they all should damn well know better by now. So I’m at the point where the only goddamn thing I can do (having exhausted all other options) is to actually put it in Black & White.

Wine: No, I don’t drink Wine. Now lets be clear I have drank a fair share of Wine before in my life and I enjoy the drunk, BUT Wine hates the hell out of me. The worst most hellacious hangovers I have ever had the misery of experiencing were all from drinking Wine. I drank only Red Wine, I detest the taste of White Wine, and I sure a hell never drank any god forsaken Pink Wine bullshit.

Shots: No Not Any More. I used to do shots of Vodka or Whiskey but gave them both up as shots seemed to excellerate bouts of drunken insanity or black outs.

Punches/Niche Drinks: Hell to the No. I don’t care about Ancient Alcohols, Medical Meads, Roman Receipts or BC Boozes. Save that shit for the fare fans of Renaissance Fairs.

Cocktails: No with the acceptation of a Captain & Coke once in a blue moon or perhaps a Mojito ever several blue moons. Especially now a days as cocktails are making a massive comeback, I have no need for artisan cocktails. In my opinion Bitters are Bullshit, Garnishes of pickled Jalapeño or Candied Bacon are drink drama, infusions (example wood smoke) are for Idiots and Muddling is for Morons. I don’t want to watch my Bartender  spend 15 minutes making a drink like he’s a member of Circus Du Soleil.

Malt Liqueurs and Fortified Wines: I don’t drink Mad Dog 20/20, Old English, King Cobra, Crazy Horse, Thunderbird, Ripple, Red Rose or Boone’s Farm because I’M NOT IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL. That combined with the fact I’m also not WHITE TRASH or HOMELESS.

Hard Ciders/Sodas/Lemonades: No Way, No How. The concepts are cool but they don’t translate from paper to reality. Hard Ciders taste like fermented/spoiled Apple Juice thats been sitting in your grandmothers garage for several years.

Moonshine: Never Again. If you drink Moonshine you won’t be back to your self for at least 48 hours.

Beer: YES, WE HAVE A WINNER. I primarily drink Domestic Beers but I do like a few Imports as well as Craft Beers.

I like a couple Micro Brews, but their accessibility is restricted to geographical location.

I Hate IPA’s and other similar beers like Black And Tans, Bitter Beer is Bitch Beer in my mind.

I primarily drink Lagers and Ales, I hate Wheat Beers because after you drink a couple you feel like you fucking drank a huge loaf of bread.

I also HATE shit like seasonal beers like Pumpkin brews I mean Pumpkin WTF is wrong with you?

So thats I Official Alcohol Intake Mission Statement,

Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober.

The Delinquent Detective Ep.1 : Screaming at a Deaf Dog

Heads Up For Readers: There is a good bit of obscene language and blasphemies contained within this piece.
Rock Hard woke with a startle one hand one his set of bulbous brass balls, and in the other empty bottle of Lithuanian Whisky.
The goddamn phone was ringing relentlessly BRING! BRING! like a goddamn banshee. Rock sat up and wearily rubbing his face trying to dispel the thick fog of yesterday.
Rock was no stranger to the endless trials and tribulations of life not by a long shot. Bullshit was his bread and butter.
Rock slowly made his way to the phone his feet shuffling across the thick scummy orange shag carpet barefoot.
Rock lit a cigarette irritated that some dumb son of a bitch had the fucking nerve to call him this early in the goddamn day. Rock reached the phone and unplugged it. Whoever it was fuck them thought Rock to himself.
Finally Rock thought to himself. Rock found people to be unbelievably irritating at best.
Rock proceeded to get ready for the dismal day that lay before him. Once Rock had shit, showered, and shaved Rock headed out to the office.
Locking the door behind him he started down the hall of The Royal Hotel lined with various delinquents. The monthly crew of cantankerous characters that inhabited The Royal Hotel, one of the BigCity’s finest flop house, was an unending revolving door of debauchery.
Rock tolerated these assholes because in a flea bag shithole no one sees shit, hears shit or says shit especially the police.
The residents of The Royal were the lowest of the low. There were junkies, hookers, pimps, cults, drunks, drug dealers, shut ins, welfare cases, white trash, Neo Nazi’s (that hangout at the lobby bar), traumatized Vietnam vets, thieves, bikers,and the mentally ill with no family.
It wasn’t always that way though. Back in its heyday The Royal played host to musicians, writers, artists, film makers running the entire gamete of the art world.
Business men booked suites for their corrupt conferences where they found ways to fuck over the working man. The staff was professional and proud to be part of The Royal.
Now Tina “Two Tits” Earner the local hooker was constantly prowling for pricks in the Hotels shitty dive-like bar. Homeless Hank the blocks beloved gutter dwelling bum was living in the lobby. The rest of The Royal was a fucking freak show a goddamn insane circus.
Ignoring the nasty noises of fighting and fucking that bled through the paper thin walls Rock made his way to the downstairs. Rock stopped briefly to shoot the shit with the front desk clerk.
The clerk was an anciently old man who worked the front desk and had for 52 years named Barnabas.
“Whats going on you nasty old bastard?” Rock asked casually with no real interest.
“I’m just a goddamn gargoyle perched on this goddamn stool watching the derelicts and dopers coming and going, it’s an endless parade of the broken and disheveled . Once the sun sets the city streets flood with sinners,” replied Barnabas weirdly staring off into space.
Rock stared at Barnabas wondering if he was senile or just being a mean old shit .
Rock walked briskly to the front door to escape the scum of the Earth confined within the rancid Royal.
Before exiting Rock checked to make sure he had his two faithful companions with him his flask and his revolver. Once he had established he was in possession of both Rock burst out on to the street.
Rock waded through the littered streets coated in filth and grim. The bums lurking in doorways like living corpses that had abandoned all hope in humanity.
The hookers were returning home after a long cold night on the street selling their souls as well as their snatches.
Junkies posted on the corners heckling change from the few regular folk who hadn’t fled the dying neighborhood bathed in decay.
Over laying graffiti adorned the street plastered across walls and any available space was now coated in spray paint.
Rock didn’t mind the dereliction in fact he welcomed it. People are parasites that don’t belong in palaces was his opinion.
At least when your deep in the shit surrounded by the dregs of society you know where you stand.
There is honesty in hooliganism. You can take everything at face fucking value, no bullshit required.
Rock chain smoked a whole pack of cigarettes on his wayward walk to work. So what if smoking led to fucking cancer Rock didn’t give a rats ass what the Surgeon General had to say on the subject.
Rock picked up a couple of new packs of smokes at newspaper stand around the corner from his office. Rock’s office was a located in the Burner building within walking distance from The Royal.
The Burner was a small building sandwiched between to sky scrappers. The Burner had always been a mega for unorthodox and unconventional professions such as psychics, weapons dealers, and in Rock’s case Private Detectives.
As he approached the front door of his office on the 3rd floor of the Burner he saw a person pacing in the dimly lit hallway.
Rock was already wondering what the stranger was all about when the stranger turned towards him and said……………

To Be Continued in
The Deviant Detective Ep.2 : Getting Directions from the Blind.

I Survived the Smutville Summer of Slaughter 1976

  It was a favorable fall evening in the midst of July as we slowly assembled our motley crew of usual small town misfits behind the Piggly Wiggly. I as always arrived first as patience is a virtue I was born without followed by Clitoria and her white trash future meth cooking boyfriend aptly named Tweaky. The three of us stood around loitering like a son of a bitch and chain smoking Cowboy Killers until finally Ziggy Zag (the one and only marijuana peddler in the entire county of Pornotovia) who operated on some bizarrely slow internal clock ,but you couldn’t get too pissed off at him as he was the only small town connection. The final stragglers Tool, Tits McGee, MC Satan and Ms. Muff wondered in 45 minutes later citing their lateness on a glitch in obtaining the evenings alcohol (as we were all underage high school seniors at the time.)

  There 2 elementary issues when your drinking underage first being how to obtain the alcohol and secondly a place to consume the said alcohol. We had already solved issue one by bribing Scumbag Billy the local small town  22 year old delinquent. Scumbag Billy graduated from the local high school (on the 6 year plan mind you) stayed in town taking a shit job as a mechanic down at Jiffy Lube of route 1171 ,and lived in a hellhole of a mobile home. Scumbag Billy “Inherited” the property when his parents vacated the premises 3 years back to avoid being arrested for bootlegging. We had this pre party at the Pig to devise a drinking place free from the prying eyes of neighbors and the ever bored ever present police. Some cliches are cliches because they’re real and just one such saying is “News travels quickly through a small town” which is absolutely and fundamentally correct. Just a few hours earlier Ziggy Zag had overheard a conversation at the local convenience store between 2 guys who worked in construction. What the 2 construction works were talking about was next weeks project that was due to start the following Monday ,but before they could build a damn thing the previous structure and to be demolished. Apparently this monopoly like cookie cutter mass produced single story business building (at the ass end of an industrial complex) had gone bankrupt, and as a result the office was cleared out and locked up a couple of days ago. It was a unanimous vote by all that tonight we’d party at the newly abandoned office building because 1. No Neighbors, 2. All the workers else where in the complex went home no later than 6 p.m. and 3. It was such a new spot that the cops hadn’t heard of it yet and added it to their nightly rounds about town.

With decision in hand we piled like circus clowns into MC Satan’s 1968 Ford station wagon which was an anomaly unto itself. MC Satan’s Station Wagon was beyond a beater and more towards rattling death trap as the speedometer was completely broken, the floor boards on the passengers side had rusted all the way through so one could see the road while driving, the gas gauge was shaky at best, the dashboard lights would flicker on then off ,and the radiator gauge was stuck in the over heating position permanently. Thankfully the drinking location was located approximately 8-10 minutes from the Pig.

When we arrived we were all delighted to find the bankrupt business building as perfect and promising as we had hoped in our heads. The parking lot behind the building was small enough to avoid having a shit ton of other people there calling attention to themselves. The lot was also dimly lit allowing us to see what was happening but also allowing us not to be seen if the cops showed up and we had to hide right quick. Lastly there were thick woods around the entire perimeter which was damn near perfect if hiding wasn’t enough and we had to make a run for it. It didn’t take long to set up camp and within mere minutes there was smoking,toking,drinking and fucking abounding under the star ridden sky. The hedonistic partying went on barreling into the late hours of the night until Tweaky heard something and the night evolved into a nightmare.

We all had reconvened for a toking circle that consisted of us standing in a circle each with a joint, blunt,bowl or bong and simultaneously lighting up. Then we just passed to the left until all of said marijuana had been smoked and then proceeded to plan where we would be acquiring late our night dining needs. Now a vote had to be taken as oddly for a small town there where several diners and a token Denny’s by the Mall competing for our munchie money. All of sudden as Ms.Muff and Tool were vehemently going at it over The Waterford diner versus The Greasy Spoon as to who had better what when Tweaky stood up quickly ,and started looking around like a cracked out Mearcat scanning around in a complete 360 degrees. The first thing we tried to figure out was if Tweaky was bugging out because he was too intoxicated, but so were we so we were unable to decide. There then was a moment of collective intense anxiety as we wondered then if in fact the cops had found us out which turned out not to be the case. Since we didn’t know if Tweaky’s behavior was do to drugs and drink as well as feeling relieved we didn’t have to haul ass through the woods to escape from the cops, then what the hell was going on?  Upon asking Tweaky as to what the origin of his behavior was we were answered with a question that being had we heard something out of the ordinary a moment ago. None of us recollected hearing shit but each other when Tweaky snapped to attention and again demanded to know if we had heard the mysterious noise that time to which the answer was again no. Tweaky now having gotten himself completely twisted over the alleged unknown noise that we decided to all quite down right quick and give it a listen. Well to the surprise of us all there in fact was a very strange noise coming from the woods off to our left. Immediately we went from disbelieving Tweaky to feverishly trying to define the origin of this curious unidentified noise. With out blinking MC Satan stated the noise was that of flesh eating deer. Instantly Tits McGee criticized the hypothesis as not being possible because deer are herbivores so meat was not on their specific dietary menu. MC Satan respond by saying there was a scientifically viable biological reason behind the newly discovered flesh eating deer phenomenon. As we were already aware there was a more than healthy local deer population, but what we didn’t know MC Satan informed us was that a mutated strain of the rabies virus had reached America from a North Western South East region of Africa. Now this mutant strand had also mutant side effects upon the late stage behavior of its victims. While the known original strain of rabies instills a irrational terror like fear of water in its victims, the mutant strain seemed to instill a homicidally high prey drive in normal herbivores turning pretty prey animals into putrid predators. Before anyone had a split second to call bullshit the woods erupted into a flurry of activity, the bushes started rustling, tree limbs shaking and sticks breaking accompanied by a deafening crescendo of the unknown noise. It was instantly obvious that whatever was happening in the woods was massive and more then likely something non of us wanted to fuck with. We franticly started gathering up our shit as fast as we possibly could desperate to get the fuck out of there, but we never stood a chance in hell of that. The deer exploded from the woods in force, there were so many of the damnable beasts that at first they looked like one single entity a giant blurry brown mass stampeding toward us like a living tsunami of slaughter. Our fight or flight instinct kicked in and the adrenaline flowed like the nile as we ran for our piddly little lives. Ms. Muff being a 2 beer queer light weight didn’t make it a fucking foot before the deer where raining down upon her like a pack of land based piranha. The piercing sound of Muff’s screaming bloody gore as the sick wet sounds of ripping flesh, mutilating muscles, tearing tendons filled our fleeing ears. Tool turned out to be the true pussy of the pack as he froze in utter fear watching Ms. Muff being turned into an human order of shredded beef until there was nothing left of her but bare bloody bones. A massive buck charges full force from the woods straight at Tool dead on. The deer plowed into Tool with a meaty smack its huge antlers impailing Tool tossing him high into the air with his intestines trailing behind him like the tail of a fucked up kite. Poor Tits McGee was only capable of sprinting short distances before her massive pendulous breasts swung so out of whack she became top heavy and off kilter causing her to fall flat on her funny face. Once Tits went down she just disappeared, absorbed into the murderous mass of the deers of death leaving nothing of Tits but a blood stain on the assault. Clitoria stumbled over her beloved bong and when she did a deadly doe rammed its entire head up Clitoria’s ass and ate her alive from the inside out making it look like she violently imploded. Now if you’ve ever heard someone say its damn near impossible to catch a crackhead well that ain’t shit compared to Tweaky fueled by cheap moonshine and decent quality biker crank. Tweaky needless to say was way the hell ahead of the group that was until  the combination of the intoxicants and sky high adrenaline level overloaded Tweaky’s system causing him to loudly and quite violently shit himself to death instantly on the spot. With Tweaky laying face down in a bloody pool of his own feces with a prolapsed asshole Ziggy Zag and I decided to run like hell for MC Satan’s crappy car, but Satan living up to his name had apparently already reached the car and drove off like a bat out of hell. Upon finding ourselves fucked over by Satan Ziggy and I decided running toward the water sewage plant at the end of the road was our best plan b. We gave it our all and managed to make it to the water sewage plant with the deer literally nipping at our asses, but Ziggy was so terrified at that point he didn’t stop running before accidentally falling head over heals into the sewage plants water re purification open air holding tank (a massive circular tank used in the reclaimed water process of turning sludge and shit into Agricultural grade reusable water)

Once I managed to climb over the sewage plants 15 foot chain link perimeter fence and clear the barbwire I promptly turned around to see where the fuck this horrible horde of mutant rabies infected deer was currently at and couldn’t believe my eyes. The deer of damnation had turned on each other and were devouring one another in a feeding frenzy of blood lust. Apparently I was spared a horrendously horrible demise due to the fact the herd of infected deer were in the final stages directly prior to death causing the cannibalistic carnage I witnessed that ultimately saved my life.