Tag: writer’s

I’m Being Held Hostage By A 6 Year Old

I live in a Tiny Town which means there far less fucking People I have to Tolerate or Deal with. Not only that but the Community that I live in is made up of 65% Vacation Homes meaning theres only a Handful of Full Time Residents living out here by The Lake. So theres PLENTY of fucking Elbow Room for Everyone which someone like Me Fully Appreciates.

As a Writer I have My own set of Practices and Rituals when it comes to Writing one of which is I prefer to Write Outside whenever possible. Since Our current Home Office has a rather Massive Front Porch, and the Weather being absolutely Perfect this time of Year makes it an Optimal Time to Write Outdoors. It’s Not to Hot and Not too cold You know all that Goldie Locks and the Three Bears bullshit.

Now unfortunately one of the Other Full Time Residents live just across the Street from of and have Kids three to be exact. While I have never seen Hide nor Hair of the Two Older Children the Youngest Montana (who is Six Years Old) is a MUCH Different fucking Story I assure You.

       

There several issues that contribute to My ongoing Problem which is Montana has made it a habit recently of coming over and Talking to Me while I’m on the Porch Writing or at any He sees Me as a Matter of Fact. Now Don’t get Me wrong I may be an Asshole, but I’m Not a fucking Monster. I don’t mind Waving or Saying Hello, and I don’t mind chatting  for a moment Here and There with Him time permitting.

Montana’s Parents turn Him loose Outside with No Limitations on where He can Roam, and with No Adult Supervision. They just put Him out like You would a Dog and by that I mean I don’t think an Adult is paying any Attention to what the fuck the Kid is up to They seem Oblivious. Out of Sight Out of Mind doesn’t Work for Raising a Child.

We live in such a Remote Area there aren’t a whole hell of a lot of Kids for Montana to play with. Outside of Montana and His two Siblings I can only think of One other Child living in the Neighborhood (and He’s 14 so He obviously has no fucking interest in hanging out with a little 6 year old Kid). So Montana has to Entertain Himself a majority of the Time which has to be Lonely as Children are Social Creatures, and Yes I don feel bad for the Kid in that respect. I grew up in a Neighborhood devoid of Other Kids for Years and it Seriously fucking Sucked. Imaginary Friends only go so Far.

       

Not to mention that I don’t know a damn thing about Kids Not a Single thing mind You. I don’t know what They like, what They don’t like, How they Develop, What They do at certain ages, Behavior shit, Their interests, Their Hobbies, Not a Single fucking Clue. This is due to the fact I’m a grown fucking Man who doesn’t have Kids (as of Yet), and while there plenty of Kids in My Family We live all over the fucking Place. I don’t have a lot of Exposure to Kids on any sort of consistent basis is My point. I don’t remember being Six Myself for fuck’s sake.

Since I’m a Grown fucking Man I have nothing in common with a 6 Year Old, and absolutely No Reason to be associating with one at Length. The last fucking thing I need is Especially in a Small fucking Town is to get Labeled the Creepy Old Guy that Parents Warn Their Kids about Avoiding. I don’t work with Kids in any capacity or in The Child Care Field as a Teacher for example, Montana is not a Related to Me nor Is he the Child of Dear Family Friends, and Again Montana is just 6 years Old. Theres NO reason on God’s Green Earth for Him to be associating with an Adult Virtual Stranger. Shit like that gets People Talking  out Their asses and Spreading Rumors like Wild Fire. I’m not going to be perceived by the Local Community as some sort of potential Child Molester or fucking piece of shit Pedophile thats for fucking Sure.

        

Now while My wonderful and Much Friendlier/Social Wife has already gone over and introduced Herself, got to Know Montana’s Parents, and Chat with them awhile I have Not. To Be utterly Honest I haven’t even so much as Waved Hello to Either of Them which makes Me look like a REAL Dick. The funny thing about it is when My Wife met Montana’s Parents and mentioned Him They had No Idea We knew of His Existence. My Point is They had No idea Their young Child had been across the Street hanging out and talking to a Adult Stranger on a Frequent Basis.

Thus Not knowing shit about Kids, Not wanting to get Labeled a Pervert, and Not wanting to Hurt the Kids feeling since I don’t know the appropriate way to tell or get an annoying Child to Fuck Off I have been avoiding Montana like the motherfucking plague. So every fucking Day for the last week or so before I set foot outside I wonder around My house peering and leering out of Windows to see if Montana is any where near by at any given moment. If I’m set up outside and working away I will stop what i’m doing, tell Montana I have work to do, and head inside for Who Knows how long since its all dependent on Montana going the fuck away or at least Staying in His own fucking Front Yard for once.

        

I have No idea how the Hell this Bizarre Situation with a 6 Year Old essentially and effectively holding Me hostage in My own fucking Home is going to End I just hope and Pray it isn’t an utter fucking Shit Show. What I need to do is get some credible advice on the subject Hopefully before I lose My Shit due to growing Frustration and All fucking Hell Breaks Loose. I’m getting too Tired to be The Old Me.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober (12:23 am)

Working Out With Words: An Exercise In Intelligent Absurdity

Its that time of Year Folks. Time for the Washington Post’s MENSA INVITATIONAL once again.

Members of the Public  are invited to take ANY WORD from the Dictionary. The the Public was asked to ALTER THE WORD They picked by Adding, Subtracting, OR by Change One Letter.

Once the Word is Altered the Person must PROVIDE A NEW DEFINITION for the Altered Word.

 

Obviously We love Words We’re Writers. Words are the preverbal Tools of The Trade as “They”say. Words can Build Kingdoms or Destroy Empires. Without Words Mankind would live in a Silent World of Primitive Charades accented by Grunts.

Absurdity is a Extremely Versatile Tool it can Be Used for Creativity or Mockery. It allows the Reader to See things from FAR DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES that were invisible to said reader Prior to Reading.

We fully believe the Cliche “The Pen is Mightier Than The Sword” because You Can’t Kill Written Ideas, Thoughts, or Concepts nearly as easily as a Singular Human Being.

So without a Further Edu Here are 17 THE WINNERS of The Washington Post’s MENSA INVITATIONAL 2019 in No Particular Order.

   

  • Cashtration (n): The act of Buying a House, which renders the Subject Finically Impotent for a Indefinite Period of Time.
  • Ignoranus: A Person who’s BOTH Stupid and an Asshole
  • Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a Tax Refund which lasts until You realize it was YOUR MONEY TO START WITH.
  • Reintarnation: Coming Back to Life as a Hillbilly.
  • Bozone (n): The Substance surrounding Stupid People that stops Bright Ideas from Penetrating. The Bozone Layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of Breaking Down in the Near Future.
  • Foreploy: Any Misrepresentation about Yourself for the Purpose of getting Laid.
  • Giraffitit: Vandalism Spray Painted VERY, VERY HIGH.
  • Sarchasm: The Gulf between the Author of Sarcastic Wit and the Person Who DOESN’T GET IT.
  • Inoculatte: To take Coffee Intravenously when You are Running Late.
  • Osteopornosis: A Degenerate Disease (This one got Extra Credit as it Should)
  • Karmageddon:Its ike when Everybody is sending off all these really Bad Vibes, right? And then. like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious Bummer.
  • Decafalon (n): The Grueling Event of getting through the Day consuming ONLY Things that are Good for You.
  • Glibido: All Talk and NO Action.
  • Doppeler Effect: The Tendancy of Stupid Ideas to seem Smarter when They come at You Rapidly.
  • Arachnoleptic Fit (n): The Frantic Dance preformed just after You’ve accidentally walked through a Spider’s Web.
  • Beelzebug (n): Satan in the Form of a Mosquito, that gets into Your Bedroom at 3 in the Morning and CONNOT be Cast Out.
  • Caterpallar (n): The color You turn after finding half a Worm in the Fruit You’re Eating.
  •    

This List is a SPLENDID EXAMPLE of What is Possible When One isn’t Possessed by Social Media or Flappy Dappy Doodle Crush. Thinking IS an Exercise NO ONE wants to do Now a Days. Its all Point Click Stare Blankly at for Hours. Its the reason I sign off EACH POST with “Thanks for Reading” because it not just about Reading MY POST, But just Reading in General as opposed to Asinine App.

 

Thanks for Reading,

   Brought to You By Les Sober