So I heard from her yesterday. I never expected the call in a million years. I’ve kept her a very well kept secret for a very long time.
Well yeah so…. this is what I have been hiding. I have been leading a double life of sorts. Only just this winter though. I mean I have a habit of enjoying living a double life, moreso it’s like isolation, then secret playtime.
So I tried to be different….
I tried it out with a girl. You know, it. I know I could use a nicer term for “it” but it was really my thing and i puked during is a bit too long.
So yeah she was pretty. I had been practicing vocal lessons….. To make my voice deeper to take out the gay or at least take out enough gay to be metrosexual in new york. Apparantly I suceeded.
WHAT THE DILLY YO???????
So those of you who personally know me, you know my phone has been off for periods ranging from anywhere from 2 days to as long as 2 weeks at a time if I get too lazy to find the damn thing. Well I kinda have a errrrrrr other phone that y’all don’t know about.
Anyway so I go one time for a few days and am in New York City. I went up originally to go out with my sister and her husband but alas there is never a normal night out for me. The less I try for sparks to fly, sexually and otherwise, the more my big mouth gets me into trouble.
Sooooo….my sister and I get Chinese. Then I go out on my own to the closest bar. My sister thinks I’m a lush so she doesn’t like when I drink around her. I wanted green liquor. I wanted to be the Hulk and have pretty green eyes but preferrably not gangrene. I prefer yellow fever.
So yeah I picked the wrong fortune cookie. I never had bought a woman a drink in my life before. (sorry ladies…. :(………
So I thought why not buy a drink for this little China woman down the bar. I got her something girly with Malibu in it or an alien secretion (which is green of course 🙂 …. So not only does she take the drink, she comes over and starts talking to me. I must have been straight in my past life or something because my bullshit lines came very naturally to me. I told her, her name was Lisa (but really it was like Ming Wong or Xiana Zu or some shit….like I remember!!!), that she looked lonely and I wanted to take her out for the evening.
She actually agreed. I was like what the hell. I wasn’t expecting this. I could have just ran…. Well then she was like let’s drink something more manly. I’m not as innocent as I look.
So we do shots of jack.
And more jack.
And more.
Then I said lets do some southern comfort.
Everything proceeded to fade to black after that.
I woke up in a hotel. I had no clue where I was. I had to look outside to see okay I’m still in an urban area, which I assumed was New York. I went to go check the mail (best way to find out where you are) and there was no mail. I looked and looked. Oh wait a bible. I’m at a hotel.
So I was in the Bronx. How the fuck I got there I have no idea. I thought to call my sister but no I’ll just find a subway, take a subway, and get the hell home.
So I did.
TODAY IS THE GREATEST DAY I’VE EVER KNOWN?????
So today I did something I normally never do. I actually answered one of those private numbers on my phone. My friends from the land of Glass Dickia have no phone anymore so I was mildly curious. It was her. I didn’t even know she had my number!!! So after going through the whole Hi Do You Know Who This Is? bullshit she drops the bomb.
I’m pregnant.
I drop my bomb.
I’m gay.
She drops the next bomb.
I know it’s yours.
Having no more bombs, I say well maybe it was a thing like you know Mary had. Maybe God came by in the night and stuck you with a turkey baster???
She was not amused.
Anyway the awkward convo went on for 5 minutes. I got off the phone. And after that I got piss drunk. And here I am……
Anyway…..I’m not even sure if I should believe this girl. I don’t know. She just seems like drama. I think I might be drama too. She mentioned if I don’t believe her to go with her on Maury. I felt like saying bitch maybe it’s his. He got that yellow fever way more then me.
So yeah I don’t know if I have been wrongly accused or not. I used to brag about getting out of sticky situations. So ummmm I suppose this is my birthday “gift”. I don’t know if I should just forget about my other phone or what the hell i should do……
I mean ladies….have you ever been wrong before about your baby daddy???? If only I smoked pot like I used to and had seed that would rather float around in the wind. My seed isn’t supposed to plant itself!!!! I’m gay!!!!!
I don’t know anymore. Life used to be so simple. I used to know who I was and what I was and what I wanted. All I know is I do not want this. OMFG!!!! I’m speechless.
By
SpaceDog