I’ve lived out here in the Woods by the Lake for Ongoing 5 Years Now and I have seem some seriously Strange Shit Believe You Me. Now Living this Far Out in the Woods We don’t have certain things that Most People take for Granted such as Street Lights, Sidewalks, Fire Hydrants, City Water, and Trash Pick Up. The Last one is the Real Big Bitch of the Bunch since Not only do You have to Periodically haul Your Regular Household Garbage to the Dump, but Everything Else as Well Such as Old Furniture, Mattresses, Yard Debris and All Other Extraneous Shit.
You do have the Option of Paying for a Private Trash Removal Company to come Each Week and take Your Trash, But since They don’t work for the County You have to Pay Them Out of Pocket for the Service. And if You’re thinking that They might take advantage of the Situation and Exploit the hell out of People for Profit You’d be Absolutely Right. So Needless to say I know of Only one Household around My way that Pays for Trash Pick Up.
Since the Day We first Moved in I had Noticed one of Our Neighbors a few Blocks Down the Road from Us had a rather Odd ongoing Habit. Don’t get Me wrong these are Decent People They aren’tWhite Trash by Any Means They don’t have Cars Lying around Their Property Rusting into fucking Oblivion, There aren’t any Household Appliances on the Porch (like a Washing or Dryer Machine), The Yard is Mowed Regularly so it’s Not Overgrown or Plagued by Weeds, and the House is a Pleasant Looking One Story Brick Ranch with a Relatively New Roof. Thus for All Intents and Purposes it looks so Generic and Normal that on Any Given Day No One would give it a Second Thought. I would fall into this Category Myself if it weren’t for the Fact I noticed (and then became a bit obsessed over) the Chair Phenomenon.
These Particular Neighbors would Randomly without Rhyme or Reason Put a Living Room or Similar Type Chair Outside on Their Front Yard. This again isn’t a just Throw the fucker on the Front Lawn as there is Apparently a Method to this Madness. The Chairs are always placed in the EXACT same spot each and every time without Fail. If Your standing in the Street and Facing the House the Spot is the Lower Left Corner of the Front Yard as Far from the House as Humanly Possible. The Chairs sit just inches from the Actual Road, and in Front of a Natural Privacy Wall of Large Bushes that Separate the Property From the One Next Door.
The Chairs that have been Placed in that Designated Spot over the Years aren’t Junk by a Long Shot. All things Considered as Second Hand Chairs go These Chairs are in Decent to Good Condition they aren’t Beat to Hell, Torn or Ripped, Faded, or Missing Cushions or perhaps a Leg. In Fact they are in better condition than anything one might find at Goodwill or Habitat for Humanity’s Restores. Honestly there been a few Chairs that I actually in all Honesty thought to Myself “Damn if I needed a Chair or Knew someone who did I’d take this Fucker right here.”
There are Never a Sign like FREE, TRASH, or FOR TRASH PICKUP so I just came to assume that if Someone could use it They simply would take it. As time went on if the Chair continues to Sit out in the Sun, Wind, and Rain along with the Local Wildlife as well as Bugs/Insects collecting Dirt and Mildew I figured Someone in the Area would get fed up with Driving past and seeing the Particular Chair Rotting Away, and took it Upon themselves to Dispose of It (a sort of “Well if They aren’t going to do shit I don’t want to have to keep looking at this Eyesore.”).
Again the Different Chairs Sudden Appearance and Subsequent Disappearance Devoid of Any Reason that I can Tell of slowly began to Evolve from Mild Curiosity to Full Blown Full On Fascination. I couldn’t determine Why this Occurrence was Happening or Why it was Occurring. Who has so many Chairs to Discard in the First Place? Not to Mention Where the Hell where these Chairs Ending Up? And Most Important of all the Questions/Factors Who the Hell was Responsible for The Numerous Chairs Eventually Inevitable Disappearance?! So Many Questions and Not a Single Answer or Clue. Left to My Own Devices I slowly began Developing a Theory that Answered All the Questions I had or Possible could have, and here it is.
Generations Ago this Family was Faced with a Curse of Discomfort that was Placed Upon them by an Fellow Neighbor who was Pissed that They weren’t Invited to The Family’s Annual 4th of July Cookout. The Curse Stated that No Matter what a Cursed Family Member Sat Upon be it a Living Room Chair, Couch, Stool/Bar Stool, Loveseat, Bench, Recliner, Chaise Lounge, Hassock, Rocking Chair, Settee, Futon, Daybed, or Bean Bag Chair They Would Never be Able to Get Comfortable until They Day They Died. The Reality of Living Out Their lives with Their Asses in Constant Anguish was Utterly Unbearable to the Family so They started looking for a Way to Dispel the Curse once and for All.
The Family went from Town to Town, City to City, State to State, and Every Lead They managed to Scrounge Up ended up Amounting to Jack Diddly Shit. Dismayed and Deeply Depresses the Family was on the Verge of Abandoning Their Curse Breaking Cause when They came across the Mother Load of Tips. This One Tip Blew all the Other Tips Combined completely out of the fucking Water, and The Family’s Hope was Once again Restored. It happened while the Family was in A. Hole’s Home Decor Depot in God Knows Where New Mexico. Just as the Family was about to Leave the Store Empty Handed, which They had become accustomed to, They were Approached by a Shady Looking Salesman Sporting a Sinister Smile Named Asmodeus. Asmodeus empathized with the Family’s Plight and because He did He was willing to Give the Family the Key Piece of Information that They so Desired.
Asmodeus tipped the Family off to the Whereabouts of a Last Boy Retail Outlet Hidden so Deep in a Dark Corner of an Appellation Mountain Vally that The Locals Denied its Very Existence. There at the Mysterious Lazy Boy Outlet The Family would find the Man They had been Seeking for Decades, and this Particular Man possessed the Cure to the Uncomfortable Curse. The Family set out Immediately in Search of the Illusive Lazy Boy Outlet Post Haste Their Hearts Filled with Hope. The Family Drove for what Seemed like Eternity until They Reached the Secret Access Point in the Application Mountains that would lead Them to the Mythical Lazy Boy Outlet the Menacing Salesman Spoke Of. It took the Better half of the Day to Navigate the Increasing Rough Terrain of the Appalachian Mountains, especially for the Family of Amateurs who were Unaccustomed to such Physical Toil.
At Last as the Sun was Setting far off in the Eastern Horizon the Family Exhausted and Caked in Dirt and Filth Stumbled Upon the Peculiar Ominous Lazy Boy Outlet. The Family Tentatively Entered the Dank and Shadow Filled Store being extremely Cautious in Their New Surroundings so Far from Home. The Store was Illuminated by 18th Century Oil Lamps that were Scattered Around the Store making the Dense Shadows Dance Upon the Walls and the Ceiling itself. A Thick Layer of Dust Lay upon Each and Every Surface within the confines of the Store, and Cob Webs swayed back and forth like a Body from the Gallows.
All of a Sudden a Decrepit Old Woman came Slinking forward from the Shadows to Greet The Family. The Family told the Old Hag Their Tale of Woe as She Nodded Knowingly as if She Somehow had Heard it All Before. Once the Family had Finished Their Story the Old Hag informed Them that They could in deed Break the Curse, But just like so many things in Life there were Strings Attached as Nothing is Free.
The Family was so Overcome with Excitement at Finally being rid of The Curse that when the Old Hag handed them a Clipboard with a Unknown Document Pinned to it They Signed it with Gusto not bothering to Read a single fucking word of it. Once the Old Hag had the Signed Document She informed Them that it was a Life Long Multigenerational Contract that Guaranteed the Family that the Curse was Now Broken. Not Only that but as Part of the Contract the Family would be Given the Most Decadent, Luxurious, and Decadent Lazy Boy Recliners that Man has Ever Known.
The Family Rejoiced at the Old Hag’s News as They Cheered, Laughed, Danced Around, and High Fives One Another Smiling Ear to Ear like a Bunch of Jackasses. The Old Hag waited patiently until the Family’s Fanfare had Died Down and then Informed Them of the Previously Mentioned Attached Strings that also came with the Contract. To Uphold Their End of the Contract the Family as Long as Their Bloodline continued to Walk the Earth would Periodically Sacrifice a Chair to the Lazy Boy Lucifer. And if They Failed They would be Dragged Kicking and Screaming Straight to The Household Hell which was Governed by The Lucifer of Lazy Boys. There the Family would spend Eternity as Satanic Salesmen Selling Shitty Chairs to Demons who could Never be Satisfied, and would Return to Torture the Shit Out of Them since Household Hell has a No Refund No Exchange Policy.
So Thats Obviously what is Going on with My Oddball Neighbors since its the Only Scenario that makes any sort of Sense. And Thats That Plain and Simple.
Thanks For Reading,
By Les Sober 