Everyone is happy. Happy awaiting the dawn of the new decade. And there I am half dead, half alive to the world. Mostly dead. The steady drum beat of hope has fallen by the wayside, taken somewhere by the wind or the incessant diner food calling my name when I just wanted to be left alone.
I slowly think of the joy and their faces, the new beginnings. Then i wake up on the train. I do not feel like I belong in this place, at this time, at this moment. Something feels off in the cosmic spectrum of things. Then flash forward……in the city. The city I love. The energy is more abundant then usual as the sleet ricochets off of my hoodie, down my face, into my core. I am right where I need to be.
As the streets become blurs and carbon copies of one another, I hear people talking but barely hear a sound. I see lights without cars and cars without drivers and people without souls. I feel all that is around me but then I…….nothing………nothing………..nothing
It’s just a long taxi ride. Blurring, dumbfounded, lax.
And off into the land of segmentation. Off into the great divide.
I find myself paying cover charges for drinks I will not have. Looking forth at the faces I will not be sucking. I wonder what exactly it is I am doing here. I am still wondering as I sit on this couch writing this blog. Everyone so horned up and me with my old yet new sense of decency.
It felt out of place. Like I should have been creating a stir or been getting escorted away or have been doing things in shower stalls. Shower stalls???? No mindflash backwards or is that forwards? Not sure. Nothing of want. Too drunk, too drunk, too drunk, too fat, too drunk, wow you’re a whore. All of these stretching for miles.
Time stood still. Exit stage right. Old grizzly bears. Exit stage left. Vast pools of dark chocolate surround me. Exit below ground, hoards of fake IDs. Exit stage me. Alone and cold and wondering where I was. Why am I here again???? Did I lose the memo?? Did they forget to carbon copy me on the last e-mail that was sent out????
I saw the ball drop on the TV. But when I saw you, the ball went up into my chest, up into the pits of my stomach. I would breathe and go back to normalcy. I wished I saw him, whoever it is that he might be.
And you stand off in your corner. You tell me to behave. You tell me to grow up. Then you breathe again and you tell me to stop being so old. To stop trying to race against time. I make a pit stop. You that tell me to change won’t even help me change my oil or wash my windows. I loathe. I mustn’t say too much. They are always watching.
I arrived home. If only I knew where I was at that time. If you only could have been sweeter, as sweet as the hottest apple pie that my grandmother would bake me on a warm spring day and heat even further on those cold spring nights.
It was all smiles. I wish they were real. But I captured their presence. I captured their meanings and their words and as if time stood still I was there again. With you. With the mercy that all can be well. And nothing is truly lost.
By SpaceDog